Chapter Eighteen

 

 

 

It was so quiet, Keri thought she could hear her own heart beating. The wind blew past the windows, causing a faint whistle, and the logs burning in the fireplace popped every now and then, but other than that, it was deathly still.

Ever since that drifter showed up and forced himself inside the house, Noah spent the majority of his day in the cabin. He rarely stayed in the barn more than half an hour now and Keri knew it was because of what had happened three weeks before.

Everything seemed to change once the shock of the attack wore off, Noah's behavior being the most noticeable. The kids were quieter and that old dog they'd brought home perked his long ears up at the slightest sound. Keri suspected Noah thought that dog would serve for more than just a distraction to Aaron and Sophie Ann. The dog, Duke, the name the kids picked out for him, let them know if something outside wasn't quite right.

The swelling and bruises she'd been wearing had faded and everyone settled into a routine. One that still left Keri a bit bewildered. She went with Noah every morning to take the kids to school and spent the rest of the day doing odd bits of things around the cabin, all while keeping a curious eye on him. Noah spent the majority of his day sketching in his journal, reading, or sitting by the fire, staring at the orange and red flames as they danced around the wood. Their gazes locked often and he didn't look away as he once did. She wasn't sure what had changed, but Noah seemed more at ease around them. She'd even caught him smiling on a few occasions.

She glanced up at him from her seat next to the fire. As always, he wore a pensive look on his face. She would have paid money to know what was on his mind most days. After asking why he'd moved to Montana and got very few answers, she didn't ask about his life. It didn't stop her curiosity, though. And really, how could one not be curious?

Noah was stoic at best. He'd shown very little emotion other than when he first found them in the line shack and the day she was attacked. He talked with the kids more, drawing pictures for Sophie Ann when she asked for them, and Aaron helped him in the barn every morning and evening, but other than catching him stealing glances at her, he said nothing more to her than he had to.

And it was driving her insane.

Inhaling a frustrated breath, she bit the string loose from the dress she was hemming and laid the garment aside. "Do you have anything that needs mending?"

Noah looked over at her, glanced at the needle and string still in her hand and said, "No."

When he looked back at the fire, Keri shook her head and stood, picking up Sophie Ann's dress. She hung it on one of the nails driven into the wall by the bed and crossed the room, tucking her needle and thread back into the small sewing box Abigail had given her, then looked at the clock. Two more hours until school was dismissed. Two more hours of silence.

"How often did Robert hit you?"

The question came out of nowhere. Noah was still staring into the flames, his hands clasped together in front of him, but the slight tilt of his head let her know he was waiting for an answer.

She retook her seat, settling into one of the chairs from the kitchen, and just sat there staring at him.

"Aaron told me he saw Robert strike you." He turned to look at her, the expression on his face unreadable. "If a man is low-down enough to hit a woman in anger once, he'll do it again."

Keri lowered her head, clenched the material of her dress in her hands and sighed. "I learned real quick what set Robert off and we went out of our way to accommodate him. To give him what he wanted so he wouldn't get angry." She glanced at him and looked away again. "He never went so far as to beat me, but he slapped me when the mood struck him."

"He moved in and took possession of your farm?" She nodded her head. "And then you?"

That last bit was spoken softly but the implications were loud. She glanced toward the fire, images she'd rather forget playing back through her mind. "I fought him the first time." Her stomach churned, those old feelings of helplessness returning. "The second time he came to my bed, he just stood there staring at me, the look on his face blank." She looked up. "He told me I'd never fight him again. That I'd do anything he asked of me and I'd live to regret it if I didn't. I was used to being slapped around by then so his threats didn't bother me much, but then he called Sophie Ann into the room. He picked her up and asked her if she wanted him to help her get ready for bed. Then he asked me where her nightgown was. Something in his eyes…. It didn't take me very long to figure out what he was actually threatening me with."

Noah looked as horrified as she'd felt, his eyes locked on hers so long she felt as if he were reading her mind. "Did he ever…"

He left the question unfinished. "No. I gave him anything he wanted, just like he said I would, but as the months wore on, I noticed him watching her. The look in his eyes when he did scared me so bad, I started saving every penny I found and stored as much food as I could. Once the weather turned warm…" She licked her lips and averted her gaze, memories of that night assaulting her faster than she could stop them. She'd put the entire night out of her mind and tried not to think on it but now every second of that night played in slow motion inside her head. Her stomach ached, her head spinning for brief moments before she pushed the thoughts away. "I waited for him to go to sleep," she said, nearly choking on the words, "then I gathered the kids and we ran."

Neither said anything for a while, both of them staring into the fire, the ticking of the clock on the mantel loud in the stillness. Keri didn't know why Noah was so interested in her life but after weeks of silence, she wasn't going to complain, even if the subject matter left her feeling uncomfortable. She had questions of her own and started to ask him one when he said, "What was your husband like?"

"John was… practical." His image filled her mind's eye. "He worked too hard and smiled too little. He was also stubborn, which is why he climbed onto that horse when everyone told him not to. He should have never tried to break a horse as wild as that one."

Noah turned his head to her, his gaze intent and curious. "Aaron said he was older than you."

Keri nodded. "He was, by fifteen years."

"Were you happy?" The question threw her a bit.

"I guess it depends on your definition of happy."

"Meaning?"

What exactly did being happy mean? Keri wasn't sure she knew anymore.

Noah spent his days repeating the same actions like clockwork. He fed the animals, took Aaron and Sophie Ann to school, always insisting she go along with them, then sat by the fire until time to head back into town to get the kids. He was quiet for the most part, but nothing about him said he was a man happy with the lot life had given him. But he didn't look miserable either. "Well," she said, "would you consider yourself happy?"

He took so long to answer, she wasn't sure he was going to. "I don't remember what happiness feels like."

The tone of his voice pierced her heart, the look in his eyes causing the ache in her chest to intensify. "I was satisfied," she said, answering his question. "I wasn't unhappy but…"

He leaned forward a bit, his head titling a fraction more when she stopped talking. "But what?"

Meeting his gaze, she held it. "There were days when life was so mundane, I would have given anything for a violent storm or some minor catastrophe just so something would be different. John said, 'hold lunch for me. I may be late getting back in,' every day before he headed out of the house and every night as we settled in to sleep, he'd huff out a huge breath and say, 'we made it through another one.'" She frowned, then shook her head. "I don't think John was very happy either."

"Was your marriage loveless?"

"Yes." Keri didn't hesitate to answer. There had been no love between her and John. Their marriage wasn't born of soft feelings and romantic notions. It was born of necessity. "My brother wanted to attend school but wouldn't make the commitment to do so because of me. We lost our parents the winter Peter turned eighteen and I didn't want to be the reason Peter gave up his dreams, so when I heard John was looking for a wife, I made it known I would marry him if he asked." She shrugged her shoulders. "It solved a lot of problems marrying him. He got a wife and I was no longer my brother's responsibility. Peter sold the farm and moved to California a month after John and I were married."

Noah continued to stare at her and his questions only fueled her own. Why his sudden interest? she wondered. She blurted, "Were you ever in love?" before she even had time to ask herself why she wanted to know.

He let out a long breath and to her surprise, answered. "I thought I was once." The old rocker he was sitting in groaned under his weight when he shifted, stretching his legs out in front of him. "I realized when I got home from the war that an emotion like love did very little for you when faced with something we'd rather not have to deal with." He turned his head and stared back into the fire. "The girl I thought to spend my life with couldn't look at me without turning away in disgust. Whatever I felt for her died when she broke our engagement." He laughed, but the sound was bitter and dull. "Apparently wealth and prominent standing in the community weren't enough when faced with the prospect of being married to a man no one had a desire to look at."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He locked eyes with her again. "Isabelle couldn't look me in the face without the horror of my injuries shining in her eyes. I'd rather be alone than spend a day with someone who pretended to love me while secretly cringing every time I touched her."

He held her gaze, unblinking for long minutes as if searching for some answer in her face. He must have found it. His shoulders dropped slightly, the tension in his body seeming to disappear as she looked at him. He shifted again, glanced away for a moment then stood and said, "It'll be time to get the kids soon. I'll go hitch the wagon." Keri stared after him wondering why he'd asked her those particular questions. And why he'd answered hers when he'd been so defensive last time she'd asked.

But the newfound knowledge he'd given her hinted at his former life. Wealth and standing in the community, he'd said. Had Noah been wealthy before coming here? She looked around the cabin. Nothing here screamed the trappings of someone used to the finer things in life. She dismissed the possibility. She must have misunderstood what he'd meant.

She remembered the name, Isabelle, though. She'd seen it under one of the drawings in his journal. She glanced up at the mantel, to the leather bound book Noah sketched in every evening. The desire to look through it, to find the ruined picture of Isabelle was strong, but going through his things was wrong, even if her desire to see the girl who obviously broke his heart urged her to stand and take a peek.

The pain in his voice when he'd mentioned his return from the war told her how much Isabelle's actions affected him. It also told her that Isabelle was the reason Noah had left Charleston. Why he kept to himself and had no one he could call a friend. Why he hid behind all that hair.

Standing, she banked the fire, grabbed her coat and hat, slipping them on before picking up the fur hand muff. A smile lit her face every time she saw it. She'd seen similar hand muffs carried by the more wealthy ladies back home but never thought to own one herself, but here she was, a single mother running from a life she no longer wanted while playing house with a man who couldn't decide from one day to the next if he wanted them around or not.

Today, he seemed to want her there.

Staring at the soft furred hand muff, Keri raised a puzzled brow. A pair of gloves like the ones Noah had bought for Aaron and Sophie Ann would have been more practical for her but he'd bought her something she knew was expensive. A luxury to most. His comments about wealth whispered inside her mind again. If he were wealthy, why would he live in such an out of the way place in a cabin barely big enough for him?

The questions would never be answered, so she put them out of her mind and opened the door. It was snowing again, a light dusting covering everything. She made her way across the yard, inhaling the fresh clean air as the cold wind chilled her face. As pretty as the snow was coating the surrounding trees, she hoped they weren't in for another blizzard.

She stopped when she reached the barn, watching Noah as he hitched the horse to the wagon. The falling snow caught in his hair and beard and she imagined Isabelle, and her reaction to seeing him when he returned home with that scar, was why he kept his hair so long and unkempt. Truth be told, she barely noticed the scar anymore. No one would, given enough time. So why did he stay hidden from the world? Surely he didn't think people would judge him for something like a scar?

As standoffish as he was at times, Noah Lloyd had every reason to walk with his head held high. He was kind even when he tried not to be. He took her and Aaron and Sophie Ann in even though Keri knew it galled him to do so. He gave them a home, provided for them, and protected her from strangers bent on doing her harm.

And he'd done it all without asking for a thing in return.

She'd given plenty of herself in the past few months to see them through a rough spot. Done things she was ashamed of but never regretted. She'd thought once that Noah had wanted the same thing. She'd been embarrassed when she realized she'd been wrong. And humiliated she'd offered herself to him when bedding her had been the furthest thing from his mind.

But she wasn't so sure he didn't think of it now. Over the last several weeks, she'd caught him gazing at her numerous times. The look in his eyes as he watched her was filled with heat and the desire she saw flickering there caused his eyes to shift from gray to silver. She could almost believe he was imagining her naked in those stolen glances. And if truth be known, her pulse raced every time she caught him looking at her like that.

But those lingering looks was all he ever gave her.

As quiet as Noah was at times, his eyes told a story of their own. The pain was still there, the loneliness he'd lived with for so many years, but every once in a while, she'd glimpse a bit of hope shining in his eyes. It was such a small thing to have—hope—and it would change his life if he just believed he was worth the trouble.

If he thought he was capable of being loved.

She blinked and realized she was staring at him. Noah noticed too. He stood by the side of the wagon, his gaze locked on her, and for a reason she didn't quite understand, her breath hitched when he held his hand out to her.

He'd been helping her in and out of that wagon ever since she'd fallen out of it in town, always steadying her as she climbed up, but today when she reached his side, he settled his hands on her waist, his touch light, and Keri could only stare up at him. That heated look she'd seen so many times over the past several weeks once again burned in his gray eyes as his gaze roamed her face, then settled on her lips.

Her pulse jumped when his fingers tightened against her waist. His pupils dilated, his chest expanding as his breaths quickened and if she didn't know any better, she would swear he was going to kiss her.