EIGHT YEARS LATER
Joanna’s heart thrummed as she searched for Andrew among the crowd of young people gathered in the Troyers’ basement. This had been their ritual for the past two months. They would arrive at a singing separately, seek each other out, then send a silent signal so they could meet in private. Her anticipation always grew as she tried not to reveal she was looking for him. She couldn’t help frowning when she didn’t see him right away.
Finally she spied him standing on the opposite side of the room. The warm smile he aimed at her created the usual tiny butterflies that tickled her stomach, easing the tension from listening to her sisters argue on the way here. Sadie was upset. She never went to singings but had reluctantly agreed to go this time, and her mood was foul by the time they had arrived. Abigail had given up trying to reason with her and had disappeared as soon as she exited the buggy. Now Sadie stood alone in the corner, a sour look on her face, which wouldn’t do much to attract the few eligible young men attending tonight.
Abigail had no problem mingling, though, especially with Joel Zook. Joanna saw her flirting with him, and from the full grin on his face, he was enjoying the attention.
Joanna put her sisters out of her mind and met Andrew’s gaze again. His blond eyebrow lifted above his left eye. Their signal. He tilted his head in a small gesture for her to come to him. She gave him a tiny nod, the butterflies now swirling in a frenzy.
“Hello,” he said as she drew near.
She stood close to him but not too close. He had to lean over to say his next words.
“Will you meet me behind the barn?”
He was always so polite with her. Never demanding and thoroughly respectful. She pulled back, her cheeks hot, savoring the thought that once again Andrew wanted her alone.
But part of her was growing impatient. Andrew’s respect also translated into keeping her at arm’s length, even when they were by themselves. After waiting eight years for him to finally show his romantic interest, she wanted more than conversation.
He left the room first. Several moments later she followed, dashing up the basement stairs and through the door that led to the backyard. In the dusky light she saw him disappear behind the Troyers’ white barn. She hurried, a little breathless by the time she caught up to him. She found him leaning casually against the barn wall.
“You look nervous,” he said.
“Not . . . nervous.” She rubbed her nose.
“Definitely nervous.” He removed her hand from her nose. “You don’t have to be skittish, Joanna. It’s just me.”
He would never be just Andrew to her. He was her protector, her savior . . . her love. She looked at his face, barely seeing the muted tangerine and lavender clouds streaking the sky behind him. He’d taken off his hat and left it inside the Troyers’ house. His thick, wavy blond hair was streaked with pale highlights from the sun. He always took her breath away.
Without a word he reached behind her ear, the soft brush of his finger on her earlobe making her breath hitch. He’d done his one and only magic trick several times before—pulling out quarters, acorns, even a stick of gum. But this time he withdrew a flower on a short stem, a lovely light blue blossom the size of a new dandelion. He handed it to her.
“How sweet.” She smiled at the romantic gesture. Maybe they were making progress after all. “I like this better than acorns.”
“I thought you would.”
She gently cupped the flower in her hand. She’d take it home and press it into a small book, then place it in her treasure box where she’d kept everything he’d given to her over the years.
A long moment passed, and then the awkwardness between them began, as it always did when they were alone. As friends they could talk about anything. Now that they were dating, they struggled to hold a normal conversation. She wished he would show her some affection. A kiss on the cheek. Or on the lips. Instead he glanced at the ground, kicking a tuft of grass with the toe of his shoe.
In every other aspect of his life, Andrew was confident. Everything about him was strong, from his large, barrel-like chest and hard biceps to his loyal character and devotion to his family and faith. But when they were together like this, she felt on shaky ground, even though he was the one who had started their courtship two months ago.
She drew in a deep breath. It was now or never. It had taken more than two weeks to gather her courage, ever since the idea had popped into her mind while she was asking God what to do about her relationship with Andrew. Tentatively she stepped forward and touched one of the black suspenders that ran over his thick chest. He wasn’t very tall, but neither was she. She liked that they could meet eye to eye.
“Joanna.” He whispered her name, sending a shiver down her spine. His blue eyes darkened a bit, and his voice, which had deepened to a rich bass over the years, grew even huskier. “What are you doing?”
She froze, her courage suddenly faltering despite seeing that her simple touch had an effect on him. All her life she’d been told to take a stand, to stop being such a mouse. To go after what she wanted. What she wanted was Andrew. She was rubbing her nose again, and she forced herself to stop. She wanted to be confident, to show Andrew how she truly felt about him. She moved closer, close enough that she could kiss him if she wanted to. I really want to.
“What if someone sees us?” he asked, sounding a little breathless.
“I don’t care.” Her own breathing quickened. She drew her fingertip down the length of his suspender.
His smoky gaze cleared, his mouth forming a frown. “Is something wrong, Joanna? This isn’t like you.”
“That’s the point.” Being herself wasn’t getting her anywhere with Andrew. She had to show him she wasn’t the insecure girl he’d always known. “Andrew,” she said, her voice sounding thicker than a wool sock, “will you marry me?”
His eyes widened as if he’d seen a cow doing a backflip in the pasture. He stepped back, forcing her to drop her hand from his chest. “What?”
Oh no. She opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out. Her courageous moment had passed, and now she was back to timid Joanna, afraid of her own shadow. Her face the temperature of a bonfire, she turned from him, prepared to flee.
He put his hand on her arm. “Wait. Let’s talk about this.”
She halted but didn’t face him. She had messed up everything. But hadn’t God led her to this point? Hadn’t he given her the courage she needed to propose to Andrew? Now she could see she’d been very, very wrong. “We should geh back to the singing,” she mumbled, desperate to stew alone in her embarrassment.
“Please.” His voice was soft and husky, a bone-melting tone she’d never heard him use before. “Don’t leave.”
Turning, she forced herself to look at him. At least he seemed less bewildered now. He ran his hand through his hair and stuffed his other hand in his pocket.
“I’m sorry,” she managed to squeak out.
He paused, a half-smile on his lips. “Don’t be.” He went to her but still kept a respectable distance. “I’m flattered.”
Flattered? That was the last thing she wanted to hear.
“But we’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks,” he added.
“Two months,” she said under her breath. She’d kept track of every day, practically every minute.
“And they’ve been a great two months.” His smile widened, yet he didn’t move closer. “I thought you didn’t mind us taking things slow. Then again, we never talked about it.” He sighed. “We don’t talk about much lately, do we? Guess that’s mei fault.”
“I don’t understand.”
Andrew met her eyes with an intense gaze. “I need to be sure about this, Joanna. About us. I don’t want to rush into anything.”
Eight years hardly seemed like rushing. Then again, he was still catching up.
“I care about you.” He removed his hand from his pocket and touched her cheek for a brief second, then pulled back as if her skin burned him. “And I’m saying that it’s possible, that maybe sometime in the future when the time is right, we could talk about, uh, being more serious.”
Joanna fought the urge to roll her eyes. She wasn’t embarrassed anymore. In fact, she was a little annoyed. Why wasn’t he willing to take a chance with her? Didn’t he know how deeply she loved him? She’d never gone home with any other boy after a singing. She’d never been out on a date. She had spent any free time she had with him over the years. She baked his favorite desserts and took them to his house to surprise him, although she made sure to make plenty for his mother, Naomi, and his sister, Irene, so they wouldn’t get suspicious. She’d listened to him talk about his farrier business until she was sure she could shoe a horse herself. What other ways could she show him how she felt? Why did she have to try so hard with him?
“I need to get back inside before mei schwesters notice I’m gone,” she said flatly. This time when she turned around, she wasn’t going to let him stop her. It ended up not mattering, because he didn’t even try.
Andrew watched Joanna walk away, still shocked by her proposal and still kicking himself for how he handled it. Ever since he’d made the decision to court her, he’d bungled their relationship. He’d known for years that she liked him. He had always cared for her too. She was sweet, pretty, and so devoted, not only to their friendship but to her family and faith. She was everything he wanted in a woman. Yet for years he’d put off asking her out for one reason—he was scared. He didn’t know how to date. He didn’t even know what a romantic relationship was supposed to be. It wasn’t as if his father had been a sterling example.
So he thought he needed to be respectful. To make sure he kept his own feelings and desires in control around Joanna. They were young, barely twenty. He wasn’t ready for marriage. But if he had been paying more attention, if he knew what he was doing in this relationship, he would have realized Joanna was.
He kicked at a clod of dirt. He’d go after her and offer to take her home tonight so they could talk more. Not that he had any idea what to say. But he had to fix this. He couldn’t let her believe he didn’t love her—because he did. He wasn’t ready to say the words yet. The time had to be right. The moment special. She needed to feel cherished, loved, and secure. He needed to be the loyal man his father had failed to be.
He went back to the basement and searched for Joanna. He found her talking to Abigail, who was still standing next to Joel. Maybe he should ask him for advice. He would have gone to his best friend, Asa Bontrager, but he and his family had moved to Indiana years ago. Andrew knew he needed to talk to someone before he permanently ruined his future with Joanna.
As he reached her, Sadie came rushing to them. “We have to leave,” she said, looking flustered and out of sorts.
“Now?” Abigail asked.
“Right now.”
Andrew looked at Joanna. She nodded to her sister, glanced at Andrew, then left without a word.
As he watched her walk away, he prayed their relationship wasn’t permanently broken.
The next morning Joanna sat in the backseat of her parents’ buggy as they headed for the apple orchard. They would pick the apples, then sell them at the family store, Schrock Grocery and Tools. This was the first trip to the apple orchard, and they would go a few more times before the apple-picking season ended in October. She and her sisters took turns helping with the picking, and this year it was her turn to go.
But she wasn’t thinking about apples right now. She rubbed her nose, still upset over what happened last night with Andrew. To his credit, when he’d returned to the Troyers’ basement he had seemed upset too. More upset than she’d ever seen him. He also looked like he wanted to talk. Then Sadie had shown up, and Joanna was glad for the excuse to leave. She had been embarrassed enough for one night.
Abigail wasn’t happy about leaving, however, and had peppered Sadie with questions on the way home.
Joanna had kept quiet, barely listening to their bickering as she replayed every moment of her botched proposal. How could she have been so stupid?
Her father’s horse moved along at a brisk clip, the fall air warm and pleasant, the rich smells of full gardens and grazing livestock surrounding them as they traveled to the apple farm. The peaceful beauty was a stark contrast to her sour mood. Maybe last night had been a sign that she should finally give up on Andrew, that she would grow old and gray before he made up his mind about her. Yet she couldn’t imagine herself with anyone else. She didn’t want to.
“Joanna, what’s wrong?”
She met her mother’s over-the shoulder gaze. “Nix.”
“You’re rubbing the skin off yer nose. Is there something you want to talk about?” She glanced at Daed, who was staring straight ahead, his attention on the horse and the surrounding traffic, which was light today on the back roads.
Joanna put her hands in her lap. The buggy lurched as one of the wheels dipped into a pothole. The bright sun warmed the interior of the buggy. Or maybe it was her irritation making her face heat. “What’s the point?” she muttered.
“What?”
Ugh. She hadn’t meant to say the words out loud.
“Does this have something to do with Andrew?”
Stunned, Joanna gripped her fingers together. “Andrew?” She let out an awkward chuckle. “Nothing’s going on with me and Andrew.”
“If you say so.” Mamm smirked.
Joanna sighed. Clearly she hadn’t done a good job of hiding her feelings, at least from her mother. “How did you know?”
“A mother figures these things out.” Her tone turned serious. “He hasn’t hurt you, has he?”
Not on purpose. “Nee, Mamm. He hasn’t. He’s just . . . slow.”
“Slow? I always thought he was pretty smart.”
“I mean cautious. Overly cautious.”
“Like I said, smart.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Mamm turned more fully around in her seat. “Joanna, I know you’ve been carrying a torch for that bu for years. Which is okay. But you’re both yung. There’s nee reason to get serious right now.”
Even her mother thought she was wrong to think about marrying Andrew? “What if I want to get serious?”
Her mother’s face paled. “He didn’t propose to you, did he?”
“Nee.” She crossed her arms, feeling more defiant than she had in her whole life. “I proposed to him.”
“Joanna!”
“I didn’t rob a bank, Mamm. I just asked him to marry me.”
“What did he say?”
She averted her gaze. “He said he wanted to talk about it.”
Her mother breathed out a long sigh. “I’m glad one of you has some sense. I’m surprised at you. You’re barely twenty years old. You have nee business getting married. How long have you and Andrew been dating, anyway?”
“A little over two months.” Saying the words out loud made her feel sheepish. Still, she lifted her chin.
“Two months? How could you be so foolish? Marriage is not something to take lightly. You will be with yer husband the rest of yer life.”
“I already know that,” she replied, unable to keep the bite out of her tone.
“You don’t want to rush into anything.”
“How can eight years be rushing?” she blurted.
“Eight years?” Mamm’s eyes grew wide. “I didn’t realize you’d had a crush on him for that long.”
“It wasn’t—it’s not—a crush. I love him, Mamm. I always have.”
Mamm looked at Daed, who still remained focused on driving. But Joanna could see the muscle in his right cheek twitching hard. He was just as upset as Mamm. Disgusted, Joanna flopped back against the seat. “You and Daed have been trying to get Sadie married off for years.”
“That’s totally different.”
“Why? Because Sadie’s smarter? She’s got more sense than I do?”
“In some ways . . . ya.”
Joanna slumped farther in her seat. Her parents didn’t trust her, despite her never giving them a single reason not to.
“Sadie’s older,” Daed added.
“You and Mamm were eighteen when you got married.”
“We knew what we were doing.” Mamm pressed her lips together.
“Why is it that you two knew what you were doing but I don’t? Or that Sadie and Abigail are ready to get married but I’m not?”
“We worry about you, lieb. You’ve always been too trusting. So sweet and—”
“Gullible.” She scowled.
“Ya. That too. Those aren’t bad qualities. They simply show how pure yer heart is.”
Joanna huffed. “That’s supposed to make me feel better?”
“If you and Andrew are meant to get married, it will happen. But not now.”
“Then when? When I’m forty?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Yer childish behavior right now is starting to prove our point.”
Joanna knew that was true, but she was so angry she couldn’t help it. “How old will I have to be before you trust me to make gut decisions?”
“We don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all.”
“Andrew would never hurt me.” But hadn’t he last night? Then again, she had opened herself up for getting hurt by proposing. He hadn’t even kissed her yet, and she was already pushing him for marriage. She put her fingertips to her temples. All she wanted was to be strong for once. To make something happen with Andrew instead of waiting eight more years before he would finally commit to her. She was ready to live her life. To be treated as a grown-up, not as a child.
But it didn’t matter what she did. Her parents would always see her as a naive little girl. “Maybe Andrew and I will elope,” she mumbled. The words sounded stupid to her own ears, and now she was really acting like a child. But she was furious, not only with them but with herself. She couldn’t stop herself from digging a deeper hole. “If Andrew and I want to get married, we will get married, whether you like it or not.”
Daed turned and looked at her, his eyes flashing with anger. “You will not speak to yer mudder that way—”
Suddenly everything became a blur. The buggy tilted violently. Joanna was in the air, then slammed to the ground. Her cheek stung and burned. “Mamm? Daed?” They didn’t respond. She tried to get up but couldn’t move. Pain shot through her hips and black spots danced in front of her eyes. She heard a weird noise. Tires squealing?
She collapsed and her world went black.