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I rarely let myself burst into tears, even when everything seems impossible.
But when I collapse on my expensive sectional couch in my living room, I let the tears come.
I have nearly everything I could want in life, including more money than I need. No, I can’t afford a private jet and have it take me around the world, but who the hell needs a private jet? I own a nice house in Cabbagetown—I’ve always loved the old Victorian houses here. It’s not as big as what I could have bought. I’m only one person; why do I need a mansion?
I have a nice house, and I take nice vacations, though I usually spend half of them on my laptop and phone.
But money can’t buy the love of the man I want.
I start crying harder as I realize the truth: I love Wes.
Most people think I’m smart, but I must be pretty stupid not to have seen what was right in front of my face. Wes is amazing and I’ve known him for years—how did it take me so long?
He doesn’t feel the same way about me, though.
Oh, sure, he claimed I was too good for him, but he was just trying to let me down gently. I didn’t realize it at first; I told him to stop being an idiot.
But then everything slipped into place. He likes me as a friend, and he’s happy for me to warm his bed, but he’s not interested in anything more.
That happens. I run a dating site; I know feelings and attraction can be one-sided.
I’ve gotten far in life by working hard, but hard work won’t get me Wes Cheng.
I need to move on.
Unfortunately, I doubt I’ll be interested in picking someone up at Eugene’s party next week. I won’t be ready to take my clothes off for a new guy by then. I’ll ring in the New Year without anyone to kiss, and I’ll spend the rest of Christmas alone.
I head upstairs to take a shower, and as the warm water sluices over my skin, I take deep breaths and tell myself it’ll all be okay.
I’m Caitlin Ng, and I can conquer the world.
* * *
After I get dressed, I call Eugene—who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, so he’s not busy today—to tell him I’m going to his party on New Year’s Eve.
“I know,” he says. “You texted me on Thursday.”
“Did I?” Man, I’m so out of it.
“Yeah, you sure did. What’s up?”
For some reason, it all just comes pouring out of me. The snowstorm, going to Wes’s apartment. Eugene laughs his head off at the “snuggling for warmth” part. It’s good to talk to someone who’s known both of us for twelve long years.
Then I get to this morning. I tell Eugene about how I took a risk and told Wes what I wanted.
“But he shot me down.” I sigh. “He was trying to be nice, saying I was too good for him, but I know he just doesn’t feel that way about me. Even though, dammit—”
“No, he’s in love with you,” Eugene says. “He’s always been in love with you.”
“That makes no sense.”
“I can’t believe you never noticed. He thinks he’s good at hiding it, but he’s not. Why do you think he’s never had a relationship that lasted more than a month? Because none of those women were you, and you’re the only one he wants.”
My head is spinning. Wes has always been in love with me?
No, that couldn’t be.
“This is all conjecture on your part,” I say.
“No, it’s not. After many years of watching this farce, I confronted him last year, and he told me the same thing he told you—that you were too good for him, and he could never say anything. He said you needed some guy who could buy you diamond necklaces and whisk you away to Paris for a weekend.”
“I don’t want any of that,” I protest. “I mean, I can afford those things myself. I don’t need a man for that. I need a guy to make me laugh and remind me not to work for twelve hours straight and get me to help him make a gingerbread house that teeters on the brink of collapse. I need a guy I can really talk to and be with just as a regular woman, not a CEO.”
I’m the woman who understands exactly what other women wanted in their love lives, yet could never sort out her own. I was never quite sure of what I wanted in a man.
Until now.
“Wes has never been weird around me because of my success,” I say. “That’s one of the things I like about him, but you’re saying he truly thinks I’m too good for him?”
“I’m pretty sure he always thought that. Not just in the past five years...when we were students, too. All the hotshots you dated in the past few years probably didn’t help, though to be honest, as successful as they were, most of them were pretty annoying.”
I want to pull out my hair. Wes is such an infuriating man.
Still, I love him, and I’m giddy with the thought that he might love me, too.
I rein in my feelings and try to think logically.
Okay. All is not lost. I just need to get him to stop being a bonehead. I’ve done many difficult things in life. This should be manageable.
“Thank you,” I tell Eugene, then end the phone call.
Hopefully, when I go to Eugene’s party next weekend, it will be with Wes by my side. But first, I need a really good plan...
I snap my fingers. Got it. The only problem is that it’s Christmas and nearly everything is closed. Where can I get a T-Rex costume at this late hour?
Ah. I know who might own one.