MORAL TO THE STORY: God often leads us down his path through the counsel of those who are wiser.
A CAUTION: Stubbornness can wreck your life. High-mindedness can leave you a high and dry old maid.
How will I know whom God wants me to marry?
This is one of the most asked questions of all time. Finding and marrying that one person God made for you is the most important decision in your life. Since it is so critical to the success of the remainder of our life, surely God has a formula for us to follow, a step-by-step plan that leaves no room for error.
Not so. (See Man’s Comment on page 35).
God’s ways are not our ways. The way of the heart—the way of romance—is a way of mystery and surprise, full of passion and illogical attraction. Everyone’s love story is an amazingly different journey…Here is Lydia’s story.
story two
MY NAME IS LYDIA. BY THE time I turned 23 years old I was beginning to wonder if I would ever marry. But I am not one for sitting around worrying. That summer I signed up to help at several youth camps. Between camps I came home for a short break, never suspecting my life was soon to be changed forever.
That first evening I noticed my dad seemed in a hurry to rush my younger siblings off to bed, but when he stopped in my room for a talk I knew something was up. As he sat on the end of my bed he quietly said, “Lydia, a young man has asked for permission to court you.”
My first reaction was excitement; then a dream-like disembodiment washed over me. I was going into what you might call a serious case of shock. I mean, I had hoped and waited for this moment, some wonderful fellow to love me and ask for my hand in marriage, but now it was happening and all I could feel was a strange disconnect. As if from a distance my dad asked if I could guess who it might be. I tried to guess and could have continued guessing all night, but I would never have guessed it to be Billy Hill. I had met him off and on over the years in different groups, but never really had a conversation with him. The last time I saw him was early summer and he never said a word to me. Really, he never talked to any of the girls. He seemed aloof and stiff, and I was a little scared of him. Besides, I had always assumed I would at least know the guy I would marry. Now, my mind hesitantly considered the idea of this stranger being my husband…as in MY husband. It took an hour of my dad’s gentle persuasion before I finally agreed to give it a chance by just getting to know the guy…then we would see. No promises.
We emailed a few days—mostly him answering my questions about who he was and why he had picked me and what did he want to do with his life (See “Billy’s Story” later this chapter).
Nervous? Are you kidding? I was a MESS. I mean, can you imagine it happening to you? A total stranger wants to marry you…how would you feel? Exactly!
Patience is an act of the will, or at least acting patient is, so I made up my mind that I would not initiate any form of contact. If he emailed me, then I would email him in return. I was scheduled to go to another camp in a few days, and for my sanity’s sake I didn’t want to leave it all hanging. I really wanted just to meet Billy before I left, but I decided that unless he mentioned us meeting I would not say a word. It was really hard waiting and wondering, but I had spent 23 years practicing patience for this moment in my life; now was not the time to goof up. I did let him know I would be going back to camp in a few days. Thankfully he was a “go-get-(h)er,” so I didn’t have to wait. That evening he arranged for our families to spend the next day together, which happened to be the Fourth of July.
My dad was totally wonderful. He did everything he could think of to make the meeting less strained, but I was still a ball of nerves. So there we were, the prospective husband and wife, meeting face-to-face. We stood like wooden statues awkwardly shaking hands. I struggled to no avail to overcome my sudden shyness. Then Billy asked to see the barn. That was familiar territory, so I began to relax as I showed him my animals and talked about the good times I had raising them. We swapped stories, but we were both distracted with wanting to get on to pertinent issues. Finally I couldn’t wait any longer so I asked him point-blank what he thought courtship was. Then he said it, bold as day: “I want to get to know you with the intention of marriage.”
The day ended and I knew that, at least, I could stand him.
Progress.
My mom and dad reassured me that I didn’t have to rush, but I knew I couldn’t sit around and agonize forever. I had to know. How can a girl know if she will fall in love and be wonderfully, happily wed to a total stranger? I called Billy and told him that I was going to spend the next day in fasting and prayer and asked that he not call or email me so I would not be distracted.
I prayed and talked with my dad, then went to visit an older woman who had wisely mentored me many times. After talking and praying with her, I went home to talk with my mom. I weighed each person’s advice. I knew they dearly loved me and wished for my happiness. Their advice was cautiously given, leaving me room to make my own decision. “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). “Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established” (Proverbs 15:22). By the end of the day I had peace. I sat down and wrote out my carefully thought through reply. I called Billy and read my letter over the phone. I told him, “I don’t love you, hardly even know you, but I feel God is in this, so I am willing to learn how to love you if you will teach me.”
The morning after I said yes to courtship I went for a jog. As I ran, I was crying and asking God to let me please fall in love with this man before we got married.
One month later we were engaged. I know it seems fast, but I had full confidence and assurance from God that this was his will for me. I found safety and rest in knowing that my parents liked and admired him. I could immediately honor him because I knew he walked honest and upright before God. It was deeply moving to see in a good man’s eyes profound thanksgiving, joy, and love for me. I felt precious to him because he had chosen me above all others. It was easy to open my heart toward Billy. And yes, God answered my prayer. I fell totally and completely in love with this wonderful man. Three months later, we married.
The rewards of trusting God have been greater than we could have imagined. I am thrilled for the opportunity to tell our love story. I hope it happens for you.
Q. What attracted you to Lydia?
A. When I first met Lydia I wasn’t what you would call really attracted, nor was I ready for marriage. Both Lydia and I happened to be working in a family center. Our initial meeting was relaxed. She knew my brother, so she stopped to talk to him about ministering to the youth. She was bright and interested in what she was doing. I shared her interest in ministry. I saw that she had a drive for life. Her face constantly reflected joy and active interest in life and ministry. This is very appealing in a female.
I agree with this. Guys look for girls with a cheerful countenance, responsiveness, and who find a quiet joy in whatever they’re doing or saying.
I unconsciously filed the info away for a coming day.
At a later time I took note that she had a really high regard for her dad.
From what I’ve observed this quality exists in most Christian girls. It is an attractive quality. If they have a good father they should appreciate him.
I liked that. I also knew she was happy to live at home, yet she was very active in serving in many different ministries, and was taking part in productive activities.
Yes, it is good for a young, unmarried girl who is out of school to be involved in ministry. She should be investing her time in worthy activities (long-term rewards) and not spending too much time just hanging out with friends (short-term rewards).
This was important to me because I knew I wanted a wife that would be satisfied with being a stay-at-home wife, yet I also wanted a woman that had a lot of drive to get things done. Even though I still hadn’t yet thought of her as a possible wife, this knowledge was what eventually produced a stirring of interest.
Also, I noted she wasn’t a flirt. I always disregarded any girl I ever saw flirting or hanging onto a guy’s arm. (Grabbers…beware!)
I agree; flirting cheapens a girl.
Q. How did you come to believe Lydia was God’s will for you?
A. I had come to the point in my life where I was ready for marriage. I had spent the year getting certifications and furthering my education, and I knew I was ready to take on the responsibility of a wife. My antennas were up. Over the years I had been attracted to different girls, but for one reason or another they moved off my radar.
Important for a man to know he’s ready for this responsibility.
Lydia and I were both working at the same camp that year. I watched her, noted her ready smile. In a way she reminded me of my mom. Unexpectedly I caught myself perking up every time I heard her name called over the loudspeaker. I decided that before I found myself getting too attracted I needed a reality check on my feelings. Was God leading me this direction? I didn’t really know this girl at all; was this for real?
One afternoon I was asked to drive one of the three buses for the girls’ ministry. It was a perfect time for me to put a fleece before God in order that I could have some physical evidence that God was directing my path toward Lydia. I asked God to confirm to me His direction by putting Lydia on my bus. Soon a stream of girls began filing on the bus, and then their leader stepped in. I actually breathed a sigh of relief…Lydia wasn’t among the group. Then the head leader came out and directed everyone off my bus. Now my bus sat empty. I sat spellbound, watching the door, waiting. The door swung open and there was Lydia’s smiling face. She led her group of young girls onto the bus.
As an entertaining and enlightening study read the account of Gideon and the fleeces (Judges 6) to understand a Biblical view of the term. You may be surprised to find that “putting a fleece” before God is not a good thing, that it is a blatant sign of doubt. Just count how many times Gideon contradicts and doubts the messages given to him.
Q. Were you ever apprehensive about the whole courtship approach of choosing someone you hardly knew?
A. Yeah, when Lydia came out and got on the bus, I felt total panic. It was such an in-your-face positive fleece. Now I had to take action in a matter that seemed vague and unreal. Finding a wife was uncharted territory. It was daunting.
Q. So how did you proceed?
A. I searched the internet to find anything she might have written to anyone. I found her blog and read all her posts. If I had read flirty nonsense, or noted anything that lacked chastity in her manner, or seen pictures that alerted me to anything off color, I would have dismissed her.
The nature of someone’s speech tells a lot about them and where their life is headed. There are distinct differences in the speech of a person who directs their life (proactive/wise) and someone who lets their life direct them (reactive/foolish). The reactive individual talks of wishes and hopes whereas a proactive individual talks of plans with definitive action. The reactive individual talks of people, things, gossip and “tabloid” news whereas a proactive individual talks about concepts, opportunities and meaningful current events. The fool’s speech consists of vain babbling, flattering, and slander whereas the wise speak of righteousness, praise and wisdom. The book of James equates the tongue to the helm and rudder of a great ship or a horse’s bit. The way it directs, the rest follows (James 3:1-12). You cannot direct your life with words of nonsense and back-biting and expect a life of blessing and meaningfulness. What subjects fill your conversations?
I emailed my sister, who was a friend to Lydia, and asked some questions: Was Lydia a hard worker? Did she have a good head on her shoulders? Was she flexible? Also, I needed to make sure she wasn’t legalistic. I asked about her stand on music, dress, and movies, which are things that I knew would affect my future children.
I spent some time thinking about all that I had read that she had written and what my sister said about her. It was all good. She was the kind of woman I had always wanted. Plus, I was highly attracted to her. I went home for the weekend and talked to my dad. My dad offered to call her dad, and so it went.
“My son [and daughter], forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: for length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: so shalt thou find favor and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths” (Proverbs 3:1-6).
God really blessed me with a jewel.
Let’s look at how Lydia approached knowing God’s will:
She was busy walking with God and praying for wisdom all through her youth.
She didn’t chase Billy down.
She didn’t say NO when her dad surprised her with an offer from someone that she barely knew.
She sought out her parents and another older counselor for support and prayer.
She prayed and fasted, asking God for wisdom and direction.
She was open to considering Billy because he had proved himself righteous.
What did Billy do that helped him understand God’s direction regarding a mate?
He spent his youth considering what he wanted in a woman.
He waited until he knew he was in a place in his life when he could support and care for a wife before he started seriously looking.
He kept his eyes open, noting the chaste girls which might one day be possibilities, setting aside those who showed themselves not the kind of girl he wanted for the mother of his children.
He followed his natural stirrings and interests to consider Lydia.
He sought God to give him a clear answer.
Once he had what he believed was an affirmative from God, Billy still used the mind God gave him to search out information that had a bearing on the suitability of Lydia as wife and mother of his children.
When he had all the information before him concerning Lydia, Billy sought his father’s counsel.
When everything was set, he pursued his chosen woman with diligence until he won her love.
Not every story is like this, though. It’s great that they’re happily married, but not every relationship needs to move this fast.
God Works Through Man and Woman, though Man has Final Say
You will remember from “The Kid’s Love Story” that several girls approached Michael telling him they believed God had told them he was to be their husband. He was not impressed or moved. He knew God would have to speak to him first and foremost concerning this important decision. He would start his marriage by being the spiritual leader God intended man to be. Although I felt God had spoken to me, I never said a word. But I made myself available to work, serve, and minister. Yet for seven years he never noticed.
How does a girl find direction regarding whom God would have her marry?
She honors God in her youth.
She is open to counsel. She seeks knowledge and understanding from others. She knows that stubbornness is foolishness.
She shows herself hard working and willing to be a good wife.
She prays for those in authority over her so that they will be watching for any young man who might be a good match.
She waits with patience and joy.
She watches for an opportunity to serve.
When a man of honor asks for her, and those who have watched over her feel he is a good man, then she genuinely seeks the Lord for his direction.
Courage and Loyalty
Two books of the Bible are named after the women the books are about—Esther and Ruth. Both women had marriages that were either arranged or planned by others.
Esther was a young Jewish orphan who lived with her uncle and had the misfortune of being exceedingly beautiful. One day government officials came and took her away from her home. She was taken to the castle and was told she was being considered, along with countless other girls, as a possible wife to the heathen king. He had discarded his first wife because she had not obeyed him. After a night with Ester, the king chose her to be his queen. Can you imagine how traumatic this must have been for this young virgin?
But her ordeal was just getting started. Through political intrigue, laws were changed that threatened the lives of all Jews. No one knew that Esther was a Jew. She could have stayed silent and been safe, but Esther knew that God had put her in this place for a reason. She had to find a way to break the bond of a strong, evil, political leader. It took courage, wisdom, and a great deal of shrewdness. In the end she won the king’s favor and saved the Israelite people. Because one young girl was wise and sober minded, and because she was willing to lay down her life, a whole nation was spared.
Search the Word and you will discover it never says God will tell you whom you are to marry, nor that He’ll confirm your decision. He’s outlined the character qualities of a godly man and promises wisdom to those who ask, but it is your life and your choice. Yes, many times God worked and directed very specifically in men’s lives even concerning marriage, but recognize that He did so to further His own goals and will, not for the individual’s sakes. He orchestrated various marriages in the Old Testament because He needed a specific lineage through the nation of Israel to Jesus-not because of the people themselves.
If you want to know what “God’s Will” is, read the Bible, because the Bible is the written record of God’s will to man. Therefore, if the person you are interested in fulfills the qualities God sets for a godly man, then the choice is in accordance with God’s will (barring no other entangling issues).
God esteems a man who uses prudence and foresight and plans ahead. Read James 4:13-15 and note it is not wrong to have plans, only to have them and not give place for the intervention of God. He has his own specific plans, and sometimes they cross our lives. When they do, be prepared to yield yours.
Think about her life. Her marriage was arranged. She had no choice. Her husband was a divorced heathen. Yet she never woke up at night and thought to herself, “God, why did you put me here?” Her story is one of courage.
The other book is about a woman named Ruth. She was a young widow caring for her old mother-in-law. Ruth was given an opportunity to leave the old woman, but chose to stay and help her. This would have greatly limited her chances of marrying again and having children. Every day Ruth worked in the fields of Naomi’s relatives in order to feed them both. A wealthy man named Boaz took note of this hardworking girl who labored in his fields, gathering the leftovers after his workers had already harvested the grains. Boaz was impressed by both her hard work and her faithfulness to her mother-in-law, yet the older Boaz still never considered Ruth for his wife. It was the old woman who took matters into her own hands, forcing Boaz to notice the young Ruth. When you read the story you will notice that Ruth trusted and obeyed Naomi concerning Boaz. The couple’s firstborn son is in the line of Christ. Ruth’s is a story of loyalty and faithfulness. Faithfulness is highly valued in Scripture.
It is interesting to me that, of all the women who ever lived, Ruth and Esther have books in the Bible bearing their names and telling their stories of courage and loyalty. Think about that: courage and loyalty. Nine times in Scripture this phrase appears: “Be strong and of good courage.”
Read the stories of these two young girls, Ruth and Esther. These stories were written for you. Come to know these girls. Think about their hardships, their pain, fear, worries, and victories. Put yourself into their shoes and ask yourself how you would respond to situations they went through.