*Vegan
Was it Jesus or MLK who said, “the only certainties in life are death and taxes”? I’d like to add one more: Your meal at a tiki bar and restaurants will certainly always suck. Those menus are based on some rum-soaked World War II vet’s notion of what Polynesian food should taste like. Over sixty years have gone by, but the food hasn’t improved. So I booked a ticket to Tiki Oasis, the biggest annual Tiki festival in the U.S., and made it my mission to fix “Tiki” food. Light your torches, throw on a Hawaiian shirt, invite your friends over for strong-ass drinks, and serve this. Everyone will be happy. Except for “cultural appropriation”-obsessed SJWs. They’re never happy unless they have something to be outraged about.
3 tablespoons sambal (You can sub in any chili sauce or paste here.)
1 tablespoon maple syrup
2 teaspoons liquid smoke
1 package extra-firm tofu, cut into strips (Make the effort to press the water out first.)
1 small red cabbage, shredded
1 pound carrots, peeled and shredded
1 shallot, shredded
1 mango, peeled, pitted, and shredded
1 cucumber, shredded
¼ cup olive oil
¼ cup passion fruit nectar (or use any tropical fruit you have handy)
Black sesame seeds
1. In a large bowl, combine the sambal, maple syrup, and liquid smoke and mix well. Add the tofu pieces and toss to coat. Set aside.
2. Combine all the shredded fruit and veggies in a bowl.
3. Preheat a grill pan and grill that tofu. Pour about half of the marinade over the tofu. Grill it until the outside is crispy on all sides. Set aside.
4. Combine the olive oil, the remaining marinade, and fruit nectar to make your dressing. If you’re feeling adventurous, deglaze the grill pan with a little juice and add all that spicy, smoky awesomeness to the dressing. Mix well and dress the salad. Serve the salad with tofu and black sesame seeds on top.
5. This makes a lot. If you want to save some, drain it in a fine-mesh sieve, cover, and stick it in the fridge. (It makes a killer sandwich filling.)