Question of the Day

SevenDegreesofFantastic2356 asks: “I’m not who my parents think I am. They think I’m their son. I’m not. I’m their daughter. I want to tell them. Ok, it’s more of a need than a want. I mean, I do want to, but the need to be honest with myself and them is overpowering everything right now. I feel like if I don’t tell them, or those around me, I may waste away. I’m scared of their reaction. I plan to transition fully in the years ahead and I’m worried they won’t understand. They aren’t bigots or anything—they were super understanding when I came out to them and as I continue to support, talk about, and rally for LGBTQIA+ rights and issues. But…this is more than that. This is me telling them I’ve been living a lie and my identity isn’t what they thought. What do I do?”

This is honestly one of the most touching and most intense questions I’ve received since starting this blog.

First, I want to tell you that you are not alone in this. That your feelings of “wasting away” are completely justified, but know that there are communities in place to help support you. And, though I may not be able to directly personally relate to your situation, I am here. That is why I started this blog, so people like you, like all of us with tough situations we feel alone in, can stand together and lean on each other for support.

Second, I’m totally proud and happy that your parents have supported you when you came out and when you rally behind LGBTQIA+ rights! That is a wonderful sign. It shows that they love you no matter what and are open-minded.

I’m also so beyond happy you mentioned your plans to transition over the years. It means you’ve done your research and know this isn’t a race to surgery, that there are a slew of steps you’ll need to go through before you get to the complete change at the end. I commend you on this! Because of the amount of time and effort and medical assistance that goes into transitioning, it’s more important than ever that you have the support of your loved ones. So I totally understand the desperate need to tell them. But I also understand the fear.

It’s never easy telling those we love something about our identity that they likely have no clue about. I’m sure if you were living on your own and not in financial need of their support, you might even torture yourself by avoiding telling them until you were close to the end of your transition. But I’m so glad you’re not willing to go down this road alone. You don’t deserve to. Their support will only help with your success in transitioning. And it will be good for them to start seeing you now as your true self, which I’m sure will help a ton with your overall health.

I know it’s scary, but everything you’ve told me indicates they’ll support you. They may have questions regarding the process (I know I did!). I couldn’t sit at my keyboard and presume to know your situation, so I took your question (anonymously) to a well-trusted psychologist and he helped me come up with what we feel is the best plan of action for you. You by no means have to follow this advice—honestly you have to listen to your heart and your instincts more than anything. But, since you came here, I’m going to give you everything I have.

First, if you haven’t already found the local transgender support groups in the area, I’ve complied a list of them HERE. It is so important to talk to people who have undergone this process or are going through it currently. They will understand you and your needs in a way no one else can.

Like I said, from what you’ve told me, I doubt any of this applies to your parents, but you need to think about the tough questions and rule them out. Do you think they’ll respond violently? If so, you need to have a plan in place to protect yourself against such measures (a public venue and a trusted friend’s place to stay at until the situation calms down). Do you think they’ll deny all financial support? If that’s the case, you’ll want to construct a plan to pay for the medical (both mental and physical) care that will go into your transition.

Now, if you’ve ruled out the above, then most likely your supportive parents will have questions. Before you tell them, I suggest you create a list of questions you may think they’ll ask and write down the best possible answers. That way you’ll have a concrete list to go to, something that will guide you through the important process of gaining their full support and attention on the matter.

I’m betting—and hoping—that they will respect the truth about your body, mind, and soul, and support you as you go through this incredibly difficult process.

The road is hard, but nothing worth it is ever easy.

Sending you all the good vibes!

Please keep me posted.

In the meantime,

Stay Sexy. Stay Healthy.

…

I hit publish and raked my fingers through my hair. I was both exhausted and totally satisfied. The question had proven my toughest yet. I’d spent hours online, scouring through tons of articles and blogs and forums from the transgender community for advice. And after that, I’d gone to Dad. More often than not, the people who commented on my blog were questions I’d go to Mom with, but I knew I couldn’t possibly ignore my dad’s profession when it came to this one. He’d been more than eager to talk about things in a hypothetical sort of way and helped me feel much more apt to respond to the person’s question.

Because when I’d first read it?

I’d felt completely and totally unworthy.

The commenter was trusting me with such a serious and life-altering question…who was I to respond?

But my dad was a successful teen psychologist, and his advice paired with the countless research I’d done in the online transgender community had made me come alive with excitement. With knowledge. With a newfound respect and admiration for all those struggling with similar situations and having no way to know how to proceed.

And now, as I closed my eyes on a long day and finally settled myself into bed, I felt…content. Hopeful. Strong. Drawing that strength from the bravery of the person who wrote in. Who was honest with who they wanted to be in life—true to their heart. Whoever had asked the question, I hoped that perhaps they’d read the response and not feel so alone.