Leaving Home, Phoning Home, and the First Trip Back to the Mother Ship
Home is one of the toughest parts of college. Many students discover that maintaining healthy relationships and connections with the old home while getting established in the new home stretches—and sometimes stresses—them in surprising ways. Some miss home too much and stagger around campus like a weepy Hallmark commercial. Others don’t miss home enough, or at least feel guilty that they don’t, and strain against the proverbial cord as if it were a noose. Still others find that home is changing almost as fast as they are and don’t know what to make of it. The truth of the matter is, whether you’re enrolled in state or studying three thousand miles away, relationships back home will affect how well you transition into this new phase of independence.
Things have changed. Your room has possibly been turned into a craft center for Mom. Your high-school friends may seem immature. Your kid sister no longer believes you are All That. And though you have only been gone a short time, upon returning you find your parents remarkably smarter than when you left them.
Leaving the nest can be a bit rattling for everyone involved, and well-meaning parents can have as hard a time as any (mistakenly keeping the cord a bit too tight or cutting it a bit too completely). Even the most self-sufficient of students can find themselves daydreaming of home when they should be studying. If any of this is starting to sound familiar, don’t worry—you’re not an alien, and you’re not alone.
Most likely you grew up hearing stories about the good ol’ days when Mom and Dad were in college livin’ the high life. Their tales of meeting each other in the cafeteria line or skipping class on a Monday just because it was a nice day at the beach or visiting Chinatown with a Chinese roommate and experimenting with herbs at the apothecary have probably been romanticized a tad. Okay, bump that up to a lot.
Just because they are nostalgic and oh so old doesn’t necessarily mean their suggestions will be irrelevant. Human nature has not changed dramatically since they were in college; though your major may not have existed back then, a lot of their wisdom may be sound.
That said, the college campus has changed dramatically in the last twenty years, so some of their advice may no longer fit the situation. For instance, they might not be aware of the depth of support staff available to students, but they are probably more aware than their own parents were that you will need such support.
What we are trying to say (delicately, if possible—who knows who may be reading over your shoulder) is this: the natural undergrad reaction that Parents Don’t Know a Thing is only a smidgen true.
Here’s the kicker: you are changing in ways that neither you nor your parents fully appreciate—possibly in all senses of that term. Before you file your folks under “antiquated,” keep in mind that of all the people in your life, your parents have thought about your future longer than anyone else. Picture them standing over your crib two days after your birth, musing over who you will become. Then, out of love for you and wanting you to become your very best, they sacrificed the upgrade on the car, a vacation here or there, and even the wardrobe they would have liked just to make sure you had braces, tutors, soccer uniforms, and a whole host of other gifts. That long-range perspective is what drives their interests and actions. And, while that may at times feel like they are trying to control your decisions or prevent you from steering your own future, being aware of this dynamic will help put your conversations in perspective. Most likely, they have your best interests at heart.
We doubt you will be surprised to hear that there may be moments of conflict as you differ with your parents about how to make a success of your future. On the whole, parents don’t typically care what their child does at college, but they do care that what he does might have lingering negative effects on his future. As one wag put it: they don’t worry that you will make mistakes, they worry that you will make the wrong mistakes.
“The day I drove off to college was the most emotionally charged moment of my life—even more than my wedding day a few years later,” said Kyla. “It was almost like attending my own funeral the way my mother kept avoiding eye contact so I wouldn’t see her puffy eyes, or how my brother was angry because he’d just realized that I was going to miss every one of his band performances. I was excited and then felt guilty that I was excited. I was frightened and then giddy with the possibilities ahead of me. It was exhausting. And I almost wish I could do it again.”
Kyla’s experience of leaving home may have been more of an emotional roller coaster than yours will be, since she was the first child to leave the nest and the only girl. This heightened response tends to be true if you are the first, last, or only child leaving home. Parents are usually very proud of their children for taking on new challenges and bettering themselves (as in going to college), and as a result they may experience some mixed emotions—panic, resentment, pride, and maybe even envy—all at the same time. Parents who did not go to college may experience even more heightened emotions and their pride may be tinged with embarrassment that they did not have the same academic achievement. The best advice we can offer up front is:
• Be aware that this will be an emotional time for everyone involved.
• Try not to take your family’s reactions personally.
• Don’t feel like you must make them understand everything you are going through.
There will be time for decompressing and debriefing after the emotional flurry has settled. For the time being, focus on the journey that is ahead of you and know that, in the end, your family wants the best for you.
What all graduating high-school seniors need to realize is that their grand entrance into college life is (typically) much more bitter than sweet for their parents. Certainly both students and parents will miss each other to some extent. But if the relationship was a healthy one to begin with, parents will experience the “empty nest” as a major loss of closeness and a dreaded change—things will never be the same again.
During freshman orientation, my mom was going through some pretty serious premature empty-nesting, since she was seeing her youngest child off to college. The result was a kind of hyperactive, nervous doting that left my eighteen-year-old self feeling smothered and annoyed. Looking back, I feel terrible that I wasn’t able to rise above my own momentary concerns and recognize what she was going through emotionally. By preparing yourself for this mentally ahead of time, you’ll acquit yourself better than I did.
Hans—recent grad, Duke U
Your parents will be doing their best to negotiate their own transition into this new condition of life. In some respects, they are losing a child (although gaining a friend). It will take time for your relationship with your folks to adjust to all this … maybe even years.
None of this is to make you feel guilty. By all means, go to college. It is not only a privilege, it’s also a rite of passage into adulthood that is good and necessary for jump-starting your life. We only mention all this about your parents’ emotions so that you can manage the transition well by being that friend they hope you will become.
Your parents’ view of your college experience will be a combination of what they hear from you, what they read in the media, and any newsletters your college sends home—all filtered through their own experiences from years ago. It’s a bit of a jambalaya. In almost every case, they will be wiser than you, but increasingly you will find yourself more knowledgeable than they are—and not just in areas of pop culture.
In college, the knowledge gap (note, we emphasize “knowledge gap” not “wisdom gap”) starts to approximate where you thought it was when you first crossed into puberty: you actually do start to know important stuff that your parents don’t know or can’t remember. Though they might surprise you by how well they can hold their own in a conversation on transcendentalism, most likely you will be sharper on the subject since you just completed two hundred pages of reading on it last week.
What all graduating high-school seniors need to realize is that their grand entrance into college life is (typically) much more bitter than sweet for their parents.
So far we’ve mentioned the emotional isolation and physical distance your parents are braving. Let’s tack onto that the financial pressure of footing the bill for this adventure. Ah, so here you may chime in that you will be helping chip away at the debt by pursuing a work-study job. That may be true, but in most cases parents are shouldering a big part of the load. Even if your parents can somewhat afford writing the tuition checks, each signature still represents luxuries they are sacrificing to send their baby far, far away so she can be happy. The joy of seeing her happy is tinged by that loss—losses some parents may never communicate but you can bet your minifridge they are feeling. This, combined with that long-term perspective we mentioned earlier, will set the stage for a lot of their conversations with you.
For most parents, their child’s college opportunity represents the largest investment they have ever made besides the family home. For you, the investment may seem secondary to the rite of passage that college represents (and perhaps you feel you deserve). When the two perspectives collide, expect your parents to weigh in heavily on getting the biggest return on their investment.
To sum all this up, anticipate one of two reactions from your parents as you prepare to leave: neediness or dismissal. You may feel smothered by their fear of the empty nest and worries about your capability to get the best out of college, or you may feel disconnected if they emotionally distance themselves from you to help buffer their feelings. (This may have even been going on since you started your senior year and “the end” was in sight.) Sometimes it is a combination of the two. And sometimes parents are able to disguise these emotions and put on their best face so that you will head off to school none the wiser about how much duct tape they are using to keep themselves together. A good thing of which to remind yourself in all of this is that they have been extraordinarily patient (or at least tried to be, anyway) with your insane pubescent emotional roller coaster for the last eight years, so cut them a little slack. Be loving, be gracious, but go.
The three pieces of news from home that tend to be the most difficult are parents separating, a newly diagnosed illness of a family member, and some tragedy befalling the family pet. Students often assume—either consciously or not—that while they are in college, life will remain the same at home. It seems a reasonable expectation after all, since life at home hasn’t changed that much over the years. Home will always be home. Mom will have the same haircut. The house will be the same color and the furniture will be in the same place. The expectation provides a sense of stability.
Sadly, however, this expectation is unrealistic since your family dynamic changed from the moment you left. If the change influences you directly (such as redecorating your room), it will hopefully have been communicated in advance. But there is no guarantee. In some ways, the safest bet is to expect that your family will have changed as much as you have since you’ve been away at college; that way you won’t be surprised by any makeovers and may be comforted to find that a few things stayed the same.
During my sophomore year, my parents decided to move without telling me. I felt a mixture of hurt, anger, and nostalgia because of the fact that I would never really be able to go “home.” However, when I asked my parents about it, they seemed really excited about the prospect of moving and I felt ashamed that I had put my needs over theirs, considering that I was in college and at home for only one month a year. When I went to visit them over Christmas break, I loved the new house. Granted, I will miss my childhood home, but all that matters is that we are happy and together.
Onome—junior, Stanford U
A new car is easy, but some bombshells are not. The most heartbreaking change is death or divorce. We aren’t suggesting that your parents are about to die or file—in fact we hope they don’t. But both do happen and, sadly, it’s likely that someone you know on campus will be going through this misfortune. In fact, divorce is often more likely because the kids have gone to college. Many parents in troubled marriages hold on until their child has left high school. Other folks don’t even realize they are in a troubled marriage until the one thing they still have in common—their child—is gone. The sad truth is that the psychological consequences of divorce on a child are not lessened just because that child is living away from home.
To improve your chances of a positive weekend should your parents decide to visit, here are a few do’s and don’ts we’ve gleaned from years of observation and experience:
• Introduce your parents to your friends and their parents—other than coming to see you, it’s why they’re attending the functions.
• Prep a tour so they can see just how far your chem lab is from your writing course, or where you grab your morning bagel. These will make for a nice mental gallery as they picture you in your new life after they have returned home.
• Clean your room. Even if your parents aren’t coming, your roommate’s parents might be and they will want the full tour; it is always a good idea to put your best foot forward.
• If you have formed a close working relationship with a couple faculty members, arrange well in advance to introduce your folks to them.
• Even if you don’t have a lot of work, let your folks know in advance that you won’t be able to spend the full weekend with them. It’s okay to meet up after breakfast.
• Most campuses offer special shows or programs during parents’ weekend, but the tickets can only be purchased by students. If this is something you think they’d enjoy, you’ll want to buy tickets a few weeks in advance.
• Make the good-bye easier on Mom and Dad by sending them a care package or putting a nice note in their car. It will remind them how much you love them and will help them see you as an adult.
• Take a few photos of your time together and forward them to your folks as a thoughtful souvenir.
Hopefully, if the parents are adamant that a divorce is necessary, they will wait to tell their student until they can do so face-to-face. This word is for parents—if bad news of any kind must be given, please engage the help of the residence life staff or the dean’s staff before delivering the news. If you are willing, the staff can be there when the news is shared. If a student is going to encounter any sort of family tragedy, it’s best to work with the counseling services on campus, where they can be ready and available at a moment’s notice.
To the student, we recommend you use the counseling services on campus to help you evaluate how this news is affecting your course work. From there, talk with your academic advisor and your profs as soon as possible. Profs may not make good counselors, but they do need to know why your performance is impaired so they can be more supportive. Oftentimes there are extensions available when the situation warrants, so it’s worth asking.
Family illness is another big blow. Again, we hope that all of your loved ones remain healthy and that this will never apply to you. Our biggest suggestion on this front is to take some time off from school if it is a family member you are particularly close to. Since your head won’t be in the game anyway, it’s the healthiest thing you can do to give yourself a break and go home to support your family, saving your tuition for when you are better able to focus. Most schools recognize the benefit of taking a leave and will work with you to make certain that your scholarship or other financial aid will not be adversely affected.
Why not get a job stocking shelves to pass the time and earn some extra money for books or espressos while you are home? Most schools are very accommodating and willing to work with students so they don’t lose academic ground in these situations. There may even be a way to finish one or two classes from home and withdraw from the rest. This is where it is important for the student to communicate with the appropriate people on campus immediately, if only so you know where to find the eject button. (The best way to figure out who those “appropriate people” are is to start with your RA and academic advisor so they can steer you in the right direction.)
Your parents shouldn’t feel that they need to arrange all this for you—it should be something you take care of so that every decision is your most comfortable decision. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consult your parents, but that ultimately the decision is up to you.
Often in the case of divorce, some students want to stay as far from the tension as possible and remain on campus. That’s totally understandable; do what works best for you. Ultimately we suggest that you not go the distance alone and that you seek help early.
Sadly, most deans and professors find out about a troubled family situation or illness too late in the process, when the student has already dug himself a hole so deep that no one can help. Most faculty and staff take the stance your future employers will: it is up to you to make sure your home life does not undermine your work. The responsible thing to do if home is consistently affecting work is to tell the folks in charge. They don’t need to know all of the details, but if it affects your work, it’s your responsibility to let them know so everyone can adjust their expectations accordingly.
As for the last heartbreak of losing a beloved family pet, there is probably little comfort we can give. While the situation does not typically warrant taking time off from school, the initial news may make it feel that way. During his junior year, one student of ours—Philip—lost Max, “the most wonderful dog in the world,” the dog that had stayed with him through twelve moves before Philip graduated from high school. He admits that the news hit him hard for a couple weeks but that he recovered eventually. He didn’t feel like going home, but he did visit some friends who had a dog that appreciated a good belly scratch. For some, the loss of a pet is no big thing, while for others it is a symbol of the home life disintegrating. Whatever your pet means to you, reach out to friends (whether furry or not) so they can help.
This is one of those sorts of sections we recommend both you and your parents read and talk about one night over pizza. There are three significant seasons as a parent where said parent may have unspoken expectations about said child: leaving for college, getting married, and bearing the first grandchild. These seasons of change tend to flow much easier when all of you are on the same page and talking about it ahead of time.
Oh, how we wish there were. In prepping for this section, we realized we would be talking out of both sides of our mouths. On the one hand, homesickness is normal and definitely nothing to be ashamed of. On the other hand, it’s not something to indulge.
Even if you want to, and even if home is only a short drive away, our biggest push on this point is that you shouldn’t go home every weekend—certainly have some planned trips home but also plan some diversions for those other weekends. Try not to be pulled home by that overwhelming urge to be in the familiar again, because it actually makes it harder for both you and your parents to adjust to the notion of you being a self-sufficient adult.
Another bonus to staying on campus is that you will be able to focus your attentions not only on your studies but also on your second family that you will develop by getting to know hall mates and peers. Even hanging around on a weekend with no plans creates an opportunity to engage in campus life and make unexpected connections, and that will never happen if you keep going home. Sorry, Mom.
If you’re looking for ideas of what to do (especially on the cheap), check out your campus visitor center. Many college websites also list cultural and sporting events in the area so students can get involved in life where they live. Don’t feel like you have to discover every cool book nook, market, theater, and museum on your own—at the very least, the visitor center will help you weed out places that would be a waste of time.
But what about going home to see your friends? That’s a tricky one, and it varies from student to student. Some neglect their high school classmates entirely and dive into new friendships on campus. Some stay connected with former classmates and do it in a healthy way that still enables them to make new friends on campus. Some try desperately to maintain their high school friendships in exactly the same form and priority that they were before graduation, which rarely turns out well. While there is nothing wrong with the first two scenarios, the last one clearly hinders personal growth. Friendships should enable you to become the best person you can possibly be. What you will likely find over your undergrad years is that you will naturally prune your high school friendships. Some will fall away to be revived in unexpected ways at future reunions, while others will have you desperately trying to remember the names of people who were the sun and moon and stars for you in high school. Some old friendships may deepen in ways you did not expect and could not have planned.
Speaking of planning, “Don’t plan on the hometown honey lasting all the way through college.” That is what one prof we know tells her advisees at the beginning of each year, and most of the time she’s right. But there are exceptions. One student in particular—we’ll call him Tom—was a smart football player with a bit of a sarcastic wit. Upon hearing his advisor’s pronouncement, he challenged her and said not only would he graduate a math major (she had just finished the spiel about changing your interest in majors a couple times prior to graduation day), he would also keep his high school girlfriend. The complication in this budding romance was that his girlfriend attended school forty miles away, which is an unmanageable distance when you don’t have a car. The happy ending is that four years later, Tom graduated a computer science major and a math minor (close enough!) and his advisor flew to Texas to attend their wedding and eat crow. A few years back, she was invited to the baptism of their infant daughter and she is thrilled to admit they are happily married.
It’s a sweet story (and not an altogether impossible hope, for those of you with high school sweethearts out there), but we would be remiss if we didn’t tell you that it is exceptional. The futures market on high school romances is bearish. (Take an econ class if that analogy makes no sense to you.) Over the next four years, the two of you will grow and change a ton—even if you attend the same institution. In some cases, being on the same campus puts the success of the relationship at even greater risk since your interactions can become smothering and not allow for the independent growth you need.
Of course, don’t feel like you need to break up with your boyfriend upon finishing this chapter. (And if you do, please do not tell him that it was because of what we wrote.) We are not trying to be Dr. Kevorkian–meets–Dr. Phil. These relationships tend to follow a natural life cycle of drifting apart, and as a result they don’t require drastic steps toward euthanasia. If it dies, let it die naturally.
It isn’t healthy to cut off all home ties and immediately expect college to be your entire life. This is true across all fronts—family, friends, interests, and significant others. A healthy perspective is to blend your former and current lives, beautifully marbling the best relationships in each so they can survive and become a foundational part of who you are.
I attend a university that is in a different state than my hometown, but my roommate’s family lives just a short car ride away from our dorm. At first I was a bit envious of her proximity to home, but after a month or two, the fact that she was spending every weekend with her family meant that she was missing out on some great parts of college life. Most of the Nerf gun ambushes, wax-paper-in-the-oven experiments, and living room interpretive dance parties are spontaneous, and since she wasn’t around, she was often left out of the fun that we spent the next week talking about.
Rebecca—recent grad, Point Loma Nazarene U
What may be one of the hardest adjustments of all is that while your parents will be deeply involved in your college experience (in most cases, emotionally if not financially), they can no longer be intimately involved in your day-to-day life as they were in high school. At least, they shouldn’t be.
Thanks to modern technology, it’s far easier to stay in contact with your parents than it was for previous generations of freshmen, and the nature of contemporary middle-class society sees a lot more instant communication than we dare describe without dating ourselves. The technological arm seems to stretch farther and faster every day.
As a result, this is one area where you must be exceptionally wise and sensitive to your family. If you find that your parents need more contact with you than you need with them, it shows your maturity to compromise in your parents’ direction. Part of being an adult is respecting someone else’s needs rather than merely assuring that your own are met. You may think that being an adult means being independent—and it does, to a certain extent—but all the more, it means transitioning from “taker” to “giver.” It doesn’t mean you are letting your parents control your life, it just means you are checking in to see that they are doing well for their sake. At the same time, your parents need to understand that there are some limits on how often they should expect to hear from you. For instance, multiple times a day is probably unrealistic and unhealthy.
On the other side of the equation, if you are the needier one, our advice is to resist the temptation to check in as often as you would like—especially if you find you are speed-dialing home multiple times a day. This area cries out for moderation, so lean against your natural inclinations and you will likely get the balance right.
Students who phone home too much will find they have restricted their own growth by involving their parents in the minutiae more than they should. If you are calling home with hourly updates, you’re asking for it! By stringing your parents along on your yo-yo days of ups and downs, don’t be surprised when they call your advisor or dean or roommate’s parents to iron out snafus and be supportive.
Unlike most students, I was not ready to go off to college, not because I didn’t feel ready to be on my own or because I didn’t think I could handle college life, but simply because I liked living at home. I quickly adjusted to college life and found that I liked it much more than I had thought I would. There was, of course, one problem: communication with the folks back home. I found that I would go weeks at a time where I wouldn’t even talk to them. Aside from visiting my siblings’ Facebook pages, communication was lacking. After going back home from college for the first time, I realized that it was okay to call them more often because I had officially adjusted to my new life. I was not calling them because I was homesick but because I liked talking to them and missed them.
Billy—sophomore, High Point U
There are multiple ways to interact with folks back home, and it’s best to think through the advantages and disadvantages of each before communicating absentmindedly. The cell phone is convenient and it’s oh so easy to dial your mom after class to let her know how your test went—but are you missing an opportunity to talk to your professor or teaching assistant (TA) as you both meander the same direction to lunch? Okay, so you opt for the text message. That is certainly expedient, but then neither of you gets the warm fuzzies of hearing a live voice. Maybe there is a better time you can catch up so that your interactions are more meaningful. Or maybe by scheduling only a few conversations a week you will have more to tell her than what you just ate for lunch. As you set a communication pattern for calling home, try to make it flexible to accommodate the various schedule changes you will encounter in your college life, as well as sustainable for the long haul.
To close off this topic, here’s a little FYI that might save your neck someday. In our techno-centered age, it is not uncommon to see people multitasking with email while on their cell phone and ordering lunch at a diner simultaneously. In fact, it’s almost encouraged. Be forewarned, however, that there are varying receptions to this sort of behavior depending on the generation you are communicating with at that moment.
The student generation probably expects this to be the case and may not think it’s rude to hear you typing in the background during a phone conversation (though, some would disagree and say they are still offended). However, step back one generation (such as your parent’s age group): while they may suspect you are multitasking, there is still the hope that you will attempt to mask it so that it doesn’t look like you find the conversation dull. Step back two generations (between your parents’ and grandparents’—think CEO and future boss): multitasking is seen as the height of rudeness.
This can create intergenerational tensions not only at home but in the workplace, so keep your social radar tuned to make sure you aren’t sending the wrong signal. After all, you don’t want your sixty-year-old hostess to spit in your burger because you were curt with her while emailing your parents about your urgent change in flight plans while on hold with the airline.
Homesickness is not something to be ashamed of. Even though you may feel the pull to go home or spend hours on Skype, try to avoid it. If anything, remember you are not alone in what you are feeling; I was able to become much closer to people in my dorm as a result of our mutual homesickness. It also helped because we were able to reminisce and share stories about our homes and the people we missed, which brought us closer.
Helen—sophomore, U of Chicago
Indulge us as we take a brief detour into the quicksand of gender stereotypes. Taken from personal experience over the last thirty years, it is the parents of males who tend to complain the most about their child’s lack of communication. It doesn’t seem to matter which parent is speaking. Both seem to find their son less talkative than they’d like. Parents are generally more surprised by news from sons than they are daughters, since their daughters are more likely to have kept them informed of little progresses along the way. For good or ill, the parents of males say they are the last to know when their sons have a new girlfriend, but they seem to know immediately if their daughters have a new boyfriend on the scene.
Certainly the old adage of “boys will be boys” is clanging somewhere in the background and, if you are the aforementioned male, you may not want to change. If nothing else, be advised that you may be erring on the side of nontalkative and your folks may need a little more tele-time. If you aren’t willing to communicate for their sakes, do it for your own; emotional intelligence (that is, reading and responding appropriately to the needs of others) is just as important as mental intelligence, and it’s a critical skill to master as early as possible.
(Word to the wise: We think parents should read this section. However, if you plan on sharing it with them, it would be best if you restrained your enthusiastic highlighter. You might also want to preview the WOE Award on this page before they pointedly hand it back to you.)
Loving your child is not and should never be a crime. However, the ways parents go about expressing that love can be complicated at times. The Worst-Parent-Ever Award could easily go to parents who respond to their children’s departure by becoming Too Distant, but in our experience most finalists are in the Too-Involved camp.
The typical worst parent is the one who feels that the only thing his son or daughter should be doing is studying. Period. Therefore, this parent does everything the student needs up to the point of taking her tests and writing her papers for her. This parent calls to handle his son’s bounced check or his daughter’s speeding ticket, or calls his daughter’s professor to find out how she can improve in class. Though parents’ motives are admirable, as a result of Mom becoming her sophomore’s Girl Friday, that sophomore doesn’t learn how to manage the day-to-day distractions of life while accomplishing a greater goal.
There was one parent of a recent freshman who was practically awarded a WPE plaque as a result of her behavior the summer before her student ever stepped foot on campus. Between two administrators, they tallied fifty emails they had received from this mother covering every worry she could imagine about her child leaving home. Her son was away from home for the summer and the whole time he was gone, she fretted about his course deadlines, whether or not he had registered for the right classes, if she could get the syllabi in advance, and so on. While administrators are typically prepared to receive one or two emails of this sort from parents (especially parents sending their first or only child off to college), they were overwhelmed by the quantity of emails from this one woman. Generally her son’s courses looked fine and they tried to reassure her that he would have a two-week window like all the other students to make sure they were a good fit. Sadly their reassurances did little to assuage her. The message most colleges send home to the folks is that, while they are available should parents ever have a concern, the parents should consciously try to develop new outlets for their time now that their children have left home.
In keeping with the idea of helping their student focus on studies, parents will often come running when their child calls home sick. Too many parents have a propensity to come to campus and shepherd their child through the medical system at the first sign of minor illness. (For major illness or surgery, this sort of help may be warranted and sometimes the university will ask a parent to come to campus—but not for bugs that can be knocked out with a quick prescription or a weekend in bed.) This is another example of an opportunity to develop a new life skill—one that is sadly lost when Mom or Dad show up with the best intentions. In order to help your parents keep illnesses in perspective, the onus is on you to communicate it in a way that doesn’t send them into a tailspin of panic.
At this point, it may be helpful to note that, historically, colleges have had an implicit understanding termed in loco parentis (L., “in the place of a parent”). The idea is that undergrads are not children but are also not yet adults and so still require some sort of parental guidance; since the parents are not there to provide it, the responsibility falls to the school. In ancient days, the faculty acted in loco parentis on behalf of their students by chaperoning parties, monitoring curfews, and the like.
Students and professors both happily celebrate that this is no longer the case now that campuses have developed a huge complex of student life administrators who are able to provide advice, support, and a measure of accountability. Sure, the bureaucracy may require a few extra steps beyond the quick call home, but it’s a fairly apt halfway point between on-call parents and flying solo as an adult—like a climbing harness as opposed to a safety net. The staff will not mother students but are certainly available to provide more hands-on care than students would receive if left on their own.
Like any new venture, there is a possibility of little failures along the way—both you and your parents should expect them. We know of one phone call that exemplified the need to reset this expectation all too well. Julie asked her professor if she could call over break to discuss her final grade with him, and he agreed. The conversation went something like this:
Julie: Now that semester grades are out, can you tell me what grade I got on the final?
Prof: You got an 85.
Julie: [Whispering in the background.] Well, what was the grade for class participation?
Prof: An 87. It works out to an overall final grade of 85 when combined with your other papers and tests.
Julie: [More whispering.] What is the weight given to quizzes?
Prof: 10 percent.
Julie: [More whispering.]
Prof: Would you like me to talk with your mom directly?
Julie: Yes! [Hands the phone over.]
Mom: Now, I was a sociology major in college—why did my daughter get this grade in your class? You don’t understand, my daughter is not like the other students. She is studying in the library on Saturday nights, she reads all the material, she …
We didn’t make that conversation up—Scout’s honor. It really happened just like that. While the mother may have a greater understanding of her daughter’s performance as a result of that call, she undermined her daughter’s sense of independence and confidence by returning her to the days of high school. The mom did less damage to the professor’s perception of the student than one might think—in fact, the professor had some sympathy for her and her relationship with her overly involved mom as a result. Which reminds us to remind you once more: as strange as your professor may seem, we can state with utter certainty that your professor has been a student before and has dealt with parents before (and may even be a parent himself), so whatever you are going through, chances are the professor can relate at least a smidge.
On the other hand, in situations where parental control is too great on subjects of future importance—like choosing a major, career, or grad school—it may be beneficial to have your professor talk to your parents. We can’t promise that your professor will be willing, but don’t be so embarrassed that you forsake asking altogether. Have your parents call him during office hours (on their tab). Because the prof is an adult (and may even be a parent—certainly he had parents of his own), he will most likely be aware of the challenges you face, and sometimes a conversation like this can go a long way in helping you and your parents reach an amicable compromise.
Be forewarned in all this that there are various federal laws that restrict communication between the school and the parent. A student’s educational record can generally not be shared with anyone—including, at times, the parent—without the student’s authorization, so parents should not be surprised if college officials or faculty will not share details about the student’s performance. On the other hand, the law does allow info to be shared regarding alcohol and drug violations, so it is in the student’s best interest to call home before the dean does if such violations have … ahem … occurred. Most profs don’t keep abreast of privacy law and so they may be willing to talk with your parents without your knowledge, but that may be the exception to the general privacy rule. Understandably parents are frustrated when they are barred from the conversation—one father told us, “It’s like I just bought a new car that I will never be allowed to drive.”
So far, these bits of wisdom have been aimed toward the most prevalent scenario: the too-involved parent. But what about the other possibility—the one where Mom and Dad seem to have lost all interest or concern for their child now that he has left home?
Liam was a student raised by well-educated parents who were supportive of him as a youngster in his many academic endeavors. But once his treads hit the quad and they had unloaded their minivan, they went home to clean out his room (without telling him) and to return to life as it was before he was born. In their desire to send him off into adulthood, they didn’t write letters, didn’t call, and didn’t send care packages. They waited for all communication to be initiated by him. And, while this fostered a spirit of independence in the lad, it also left an unsettling feeling of abandonment. Partway through his education they made it known to him that, though they had the means to continue to financially support his basic needs, they were pulling all funds and tuition checks so he could learn to make it on his own. Liam had very little time or warning to transition into life as an adult and as a result it placed an undue amount of emotional and financial stress on him. The stress was so great that he dropped out of college.
So parents can fall off the horse on either side. Just when they think the constant fretting about whether or not they are raising Junior properly is over, they find themselves maneuvering the most delicate tightrope of all. We tip our hats to any and all attempting this feat and we wish them the best.
It wouldn’t be fair to hand out such a dubious award to parents without making one available to their children as well, now would it?
Just as your parents want the best for you (even if you think they have an odd way of showing it at times), we suspect you are grateful that they birthed, clothed, fed, housed, and raised you. Chances are, however, that you may have odd ways of showing your gratitude at times.
The best place to start is to look for opportunities to be extra sensitive to your parents’ feelings. The WOE Award goes to the student whose self-centeredness is so inflated that it chokes off all sympathy or empathy. No matter how hard you try, it will be obvious to all when you come home for the first holiday (often Thanksgiving) that your first priority is seeing old high-school friends and your second priority is expressing how much you miss being with your new college friends.
We ask you to consider a third priority: reconnecting with Mom and Dad. When your mom apologizes that her wardrobe is outdated, or if your dad tries to ask your advice on a topic that may or may not be of interest to you, try to hear their underlying message: they miss you, they are proud of you, and now that you are on your way to adulthood they want you to be proud of them too. Prove how much of an adult you are by being mutually encouraging.
Ultimately, be teachable. Just because you’ve reached college doesn’t mean you should no longer ask for (or take!) advice. Folks will be dishing it out for the rest of your life (heck, we do it for a living), so whether it comes from parents or faculty or the custodian or a book, hear what they have to say and then sift. Just because you may think you know it all doesn’t mean you should act like it.
But what if you do have a better idea of how to spend your future than your parents? Delana came to us complaining that her parents wanted her to take a high-paying job, whereas she wanted to travel and study abroad. They argued that they paid her bills and she insisted that it was her life—and both were right. Whose argument wins? First off, this should be a conversation and not a fight (slamming the door or ending the call midsentence are clear winners for the WOE Award). But it is a conversation that will at some point require a compromise and a conclusion. At the end of the day, certainly, it is your life and you have to take ownership of it—that’s appropriate. But part of taking ownership and being an adult is living with the consequences of your decision. If Delana chooses to give up an opportunity to take a well-paying job so she can teach English in Asia, she can’t very well expect her parents to wire her a couple grand if she gets stranded in Vietnam.
Be sure to talk with your folks about what they expect their financial role will be as you work through school. Some stop doling out the dough in high school, some go through grad school, some pay for up to a year after college. It’s much better to have that conversation early on in your career. That way you can adjust your expectations and set your course from there.
We’ve talked a lot about talking in this chapter. It’s something you will live and die by. We’ve also made a lot of generalizations about parents in this chapter, some stemming from the types of parents we’ve had and others from the types of parents we’ve seen. We tried to hit the extremes. Yours likely fall somewhere in the middle, and that’s great. Maybe none of this chapter applied to you because you have already struck the perfect balance. In that case, just remember that a college education involves learning lots of stuff that, so far as you can tell, has no direct application to you right now. That might also apply to sections of certain books about college.