2
how is anxiety getting in your way?
Peter pauses on the landing to catch his breath after climbing five flights of stairs. Taking the elevator up to his office would be a lot easier, but he just can’t torture himself that way. Most mornings the elevator is packed with his coworkers, chatting among themselves about sports, the weather, shows they watched on TV, and plans for the weekend. Everyone seems to join in so easily, but Peter dreads the thought of trying to make small talk.
Monday mornings are the worst. For a while Peter tried riding the elevator. Standing in the corner, pressed up against the wall, he kept his eyes on the floor, hoping to blend in with the crowd. But about 3 weeks ago Joe, a large, friendly guy from the sales department, attempted to include Peter in the conversation. With a booming voice Joe asked, “What about you, Pete? What did you do this weekend?” Peter was completely thrown by the attention. He felt everyone stare, scrutinizing him like he was a specimen under a microscope. Peter’s mind went blank, and his mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton. The seconds passed like hours until Joe finally let him off the hook with a pat on the back and a laugh, “That’s all right, sport, my weekend was pretty boring too.” The crowd burst into laughter as Peter hurried off the elevator and darted into the bathroom, where he remained until he heard the hallway clear. Now he just sticks to the back stairwell, hoping to avoid scrutiny.
“What was I supposed to say?” Peter wonders, now replaying the embarrassing moment in his mind. “I spent the weekend holed up in my apartment alone, watching TV, like I always do. Who is going to hang out with a freak like me who can’t even carry on a 2-minute conversation without turning red and stuttering? I am 25, never had a girlfriend, and never will. Worked my ass off to earn my MBA, and I am stuck in this dead-end job because I am too afraid to venture out of my cubicle. What a total and complete failure.”
Selena glances at the clock, surprised that only 5 minutes have elapsed since she last checked. A full 4 hours before her shift is up, and she is not sure she can make it through the next 30 minutes. She feels a sticky hand on her shoulder as Jacob, clutching a toy truck in his hand, steadies himself from the rocky journey across the room and then plops down beside her on the carpet. “You make a bridge so I can crash,” he insists, and she stacks the blocks for what seems like the hundredth time that day. Jacob beams with pride as the blocks tumble down from the force of the truck and joyfully demands, “Again.” Selena halfheartedly cooperates, preoccupied with self-critical thoughts. “I can’t believe I turned down the opportunity to teach middle school science for this job. What a loser I am. I am ruining my life. Everyone else I graduated with is starting out their careers, and I am just stuck.”
Just a few months earlier Selena had thought the preschool position would be perfect for her. It seemed like a low-pressure way to stay in the field of education while she worked on trying to manage her fear of public speaking. Selena hadn’t realized how much she would miss designing creative lab activities aimed at capturing the curious minds of eighth-grade students. When she first accepted the position, she vowed she would use her free time wisely. Free from the pressures and academic challenges of running her own classroom, Selena believed she would have ample time to devote to self-improvement. She would spend her evenings reading scientific journals, developing lesson plans, and working on her fears of public speaking. But this job seemed to be sucking the life out of her. She had no energy or motivation to do anything after work except eat her dinner on the couch, aimlessly surfing the channels for some show that could hold her attention.
Jacob destroys his last bridge, toddles over, and collapses onto Selena’s lap, exhausted from his efforts. She shifts her weight to accommodate him and steals another glance at the clock as she resigns herself to the fact that her life, just like the clock, seems to be stalled.
Often when we think about our struggle with fear and anxiety we focus on our emotional responses. We vigilantly watch for signs that we might become anxious and search for ways to control our feelings. Struggling with anxiety is time-consuming, stressful, and exhausting. It can easily become the focus of our daily lives and can take a toll in many different ways.
Sometimes the choices we make to avoid emotions are clear, and the impact on our lives is obvious. But anxiety can also more subtly nudge us away from the things that matter most, gradually eroding our sense of connection and fulfillment. Bringing a new awareness—mindfulness—to all the concessions and compromises we make is a critical first step toward reclaiming our lives.
THE COST OF CHOOSING TO AVOID ANXIETY
Behavioral avoidance—acting in ways that remove us from anxiety-provoking situations—is a key component of fear and anxiety. When we imagine that a situation or activity will bring potential threat, we may choose to avoid the situation. If we find ourselves afraid or anxious, we may try a number of strategies to escape. Or, when faced with overpowering emotions, we may freeze and remain immobilized or stuck in hopes that the threat or stressor will pass.
Clearly, these moves are consistent with our evolutionary instinct toward self-protection. But they also may reflect beliefs we hold about improving the quality of our lives. It is common sense to assume that avoiding people, places, and activities that could elicit fear (or even sadness or anger) will keep us safe and calm. And isn’t achieving a calm and peaceful state the best way to succeed in life?
One of the trickiest things about escaping the struggle with anxiety and reclaiming one’s life is reexamining that assumption. The belief that overcoming fear and doubt is the key to successful living seems logical. But following that logic may be the very thing keeping us trapped. One significant step out of that trap is to carefully and objectively observe the costs and benefits of trying to design an anxiety-free life.
Both Peter and Selena recognize that they have given up valuable opportunities in an attempt to keep anxiety at bay. Selena made a conscious decision to accept a much less appealing job in the hopes of minimizing the stress and anxiety in her life. Peter’s prime directive is to avoid social interactions. He knows from experience that uncomfortable physical sensations, thoughts about his shortcomings and failures, and difficult emotions arise whenever he is around others.What are the real costs
and benefits of trying to
craft an anxiety-free life? And so Peter’s moment-to-moment choices about how to engage in his life are based on whether an action is likely to elicit fear. He leaves his building 10 minutes earlier than necessary to avoid bumping into his neighbor. He avoids eye contact, preventing anyone from trying to strike up a conversation. Peter takes his lunch to work every day so he has an excuse available if his coworkers invite him out. He volunteers for the most mundane and undesirable tasks when working on a group project to ensure he can work alone. He screens all of his phone calls to avoid invitations.
Both Selena and Peter believe that avoiding anxiety-provoking situations should make their lives easier, more stress free, and ultimately richer and fuller. But to move forward, both will need to acknowledge two critically important points. Their pain and suffering does not seem to be eased by avoidance. Indeed, avoidance comes with some significant costs.
Peter is sexually attracted to women, yet he doesn’t talk to women; in fact, he has never been on a date. He avoids women because he doesn’t want to put himself through the torture of feeling uncomfortable or being evaluated. Unfortunately, avoiding women has not protected Peter from discomfort and distress. He constantly berates himself for the choices he makes. He feels anxious and depressed much of the time. He evaluates himself relentlessly and concludes he is worthless. On top of all this, Peter is lonely. He wants to feel connected with someone, to develop an intimate relationship. His choice to avoid social situations in the name of self-protection has clearly backfired. But rather than questioning the assumption that avoiding fear will enhance his life, or considering pursuing a relationship despite his fears and doubts, Peter remains committed to his course of action. Rather than recognizing that avoidance isn’t working and exploring other strategies to enhance his quality of life, Peter simply blames himself for failing.
Similarly, Selena believed taking a less stressful job would allow her to prepare for the future. She wanted to resolve her struggle with anxiety before pursuing a position that was more consistent with her values. On the surface this decision seems reasonable. People often think they need to work through their fears, increase their self-confidence, and gain control over their emotions before accepting a challenging job or moving forward with a new relationship. The idea is that making time to address problems with anxiety in the present will pave the way for a better life in the future. Unfortunately, Selena is starting to notice that putting her life on hold while she focuses on self-improvement is not working as well as she thought it would. The day-to-day, moment-to-moment experience of spending her time on tasks she finds unsatisfying is draining and painful. She is depressed by the limited opportunities she has to engage in challenging and personally meaningful activities. And since she assumed the choice to delay teaching middle school science was the best strategy for directly addressing her fears, Selena is beginning to worry she might never be able to overcome her anxiety and land the job she wants. Selena feels like a helpless bystander in her own life.
EXERCISE A first look at how anxiety limits our choices
Can you identify choices you have made at work, in your relationships (family, friendships, partners), and in community or leisure activities that likely were driven by the desire to avoid fear or anxiety? Are there opportunities you would not pursue in any of these domains because of your fears? Consider jotting down in a notebook any thoughts that come to your mind about the ways in which you may be avoiding people, places, or activities because of fear or anxiety. We continue to explore this question in the remaining chapters; often it is very challenging to notice how avoidance has become part of our lives. Keep adding to this list as you notice evidence of avoidance in your life.
AVOIDING ONE THING OR JUST CHOOSING SOMETHING ELSE?
Vivian hasn’t set foot in a shopping mall in at least 10 years. When her daughter Margaret was a baby, Vivian and her friends would meet at the food court every Wednesday for some window-shopping and a chance to catch up while the babies napped in their strollers. Then one Saturday afternoon Vivian ran out alone for a quick shopping trip. She needed to pick up a wedding gift, and the bride was registered at a home-goods store located in the center of the mall. Vivian was trying to hurry back home before the baby woke up from her nap because she was using a brand-new babysitter. She stood at the register impatiently checking her watch while the salesperson put the finishing touches on the gift-wrapped package. All of a sudden, Vivian felt blindsided by a rush of intense fear and dread. Her heart pounded in her chest, she felt her throat tighten, and she began to hyperventilate. Lightheaded and dizzy, Vivian bolted from the store, trying to escape the mall. She desperately needed fresh air, but as she searched for an exit Vivian became disoriented and confused. As she blindly rushed through the maze of a large department store, Vivian felt her legs buckle underneath her and she fell to the floor. A store employee hurried to her aid and called the paramedics. At the emergency room, after a battery of tests, Vivian was told she had experienced a panic attack.
Vivian tried to go back to the mall a few times, always accompanied by a trusted friend or family member. But each time she saw the sprawl of buildings looming in the distance, she turned around and headed home. That first Christmas Vivian did all her shopping online. She was painfully aware of missing out on many holiday traditions. Vivian’s husband took Margaret to the mall to sit on Santa’s lap. Vivian’s friends went window-shopping without her.
Over the past 10 years Vivian has become quite a savvy Internet shopper. She receives notifications whenever an item on her wish list goes on sale, and she has bookmarked more than 25 sites that offer online coupons to her favorite stores. Vivian scorns friends and family members who still shop at malls. Why would anyone fight the crowds and pay top price for an off-the-rack outfit that everyone else will be wearing? Vivian can find one-of-a-kind items, in the comfort of her own home, at her convenience.
Vivian has been a Web shopper for so long that she considers it a preference rather than an avoidance behavior. She no longer associates her strong negative feelings about the mall with her fear of having a panic attack. Certainly, there are plenty of people who don’t like going to the mall, and avoiding it doesn’t seem to have any obvious negative consequences. But recently Vivian reluctantly turned down an invitation from her neighbor Rita to join a group of friends for a Sunday morning power walk through the mall. Rita was new to the neighborhood, but she and Vivian had recently swapped parenting stories and shared some laughs over coffee about how that last 10 pounds of baby weight can hang around long after the baby reaches adolescence. Vivian could see the disappointment and confusion in Rita’s face when she turned down the invitation without explanation.
By all measures, it seems as though Sloane lives life to the fullest. She is somewhat quiet and reserved, preferring to keep her history private from most of her coworkers or acquaintances. But even if they knew about the struggle she faced with anxiety after being date-raped in college, most would agree she seems fully recovered.
Extremely successful in her career as a research scientist for a major pharmaceutical company, Sloane travels extensively, is a regular patron of the arts, and enjoys exploring new restaurants with her best friend and sister, Margie. Sloane finds her work extremely fulfilling and satisfying. She enjoys presenting her research at conferences and networking with scientists in her field. She also finds consulting with physicians about their most complex cases extremely satisfying.
Although Sloane lives alone in a tastefully decorated brownstone in the city, she spends many weekends and most holidays with her sister, Margie, brother-in-law, Steve, and their children. Sloane is a fabulous aunt who always makes time for stuffed-animal tea parties, fort building, and bedtime stories with her nieces and nephew. But Sloane has no desire to become a parent herself. Nor is she interested in pursuing an intimate relationship. Although her family and colleagues have tried on occasion to set her up on a date, Sloane insists she is perfectly content and complete without a partner. She scoffs at those who think a woman needs a partner to feel complete. Her practiced response is so convincing that even Sloane herself has come to believe it. But on the rare occasion that she is alone in her apartment for more than a few days, her thoughts freed from the endless challenges of work, Sloane becomes aware of a profound sense of loneliness that is always with her, usually residing just outside of her attention.
Sloane avoids any situation in which she feels vulnerable or is reminded of the rape in an attempt to keep her anxiety at bay. When she was younger she tried dating, but she found that a gentle caress on her back or even the smell of cologne was enough to bring memories of the rape flooding back. Sloane chose to surround herself with a fortress of family members she knew she could trust, to immerse herself in her career, and to avoid taking any chances with new relationships. This choice has cost her the opportunity to develop new friends and deeply connect with a life partner.
Many of us are acutely aware of the sacrifices we make to avoid anxiety. But over time anxiety responses, including behavioral avoidance, can become so habitual that they happen outside of our awareness. Just like we might mindlessly polish off a bag of popcorn while engrossed in a movie, without much thought or consideration, we might turn down an invitation for lunch, pass up an opportunity at work, or go out of our way to avoid a neighbor to avoid possible discomfort. And the more frequently we choose to act on avoidance, the less aware we become of that pattern.
A common reaction to hearing about Vivian, Sloane, and others with similar stories is to wonder about the difference between behavioral avoidance and preference. After all, many of us detest shopping at the mall, and certainly there is nothing wrong with choosing to remain single. Making this distinction is tricky, and it requires a heightened sense of personal awareness, the kind of mindful awareness we hope to help you cultivate through this book.
The “Turning toward Your Emotions” exercise introduced at the end of Chapter 1 can help you increase your awareness of when you’re acting on a true preference and when you’re trying to avoid an anxiety-raising situation. Although most of us can pretty easily list situations or activities that make us nervous, our emotional responses are extremely complex and, unless we are really paying attention, we can miss more subtle cues of anxiety. We present new exercises throughout this book to help you develop awareness of these subtleties and determine when your actions are based on avoidance rather than preference.
For example, one behavioral response to fear-eliciting threat cues is “fight.” Sloane gets extremely angry and irritated when a family member asks her about whether she is dating. Often she launches into a speech about female stereotypes, accusing the speaker of believing that women cannot be fulfilled without the experience of motherhood. Sloane also feels anxious when this topic comes up, but she is not usually tuned in to this emotion. Anger and anxiety share so many signs—increased heart rate, a flushed sensation, muscle tension—that it can be difficult to tease them apart. Also, anger and anxiety have a reciprocal relationship. As anger increases, anxiety tends to decrease. A slight threat, a flutter of vulnerability, a hint of anxiety can automatically cue feelings of anger that leave Sloane feeling powerful and strong rather than weak and frightened. And because this response occurs so automatically, she is unaware of the process. If Sloane begins to turn toward her emotions and watches them unfold, she may recognize anxiety along with anger and become more conscious of her avoidance.
GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS: SUBTLE AVOIDANCE OF PAINFUL INTERNAL STATES
“Daddy, it’s your turn,” Hannah shouts impatiently as she sweeps her pile of checkers onto the floor and abruptly pushes her chair back from the table. “I quit. I don’t like playing with you—it’s no fun.” The outburst startles Eric, who was engrossed in thoughts about how to manage an upcoming meeting with his boss. His attention shifts back to the present moment just in time for him to watch Hannah stumble up the stairs to her bedroom, her eyes brimming with tears of frustration. Eric lets out a heavy sigh and gingerly massages his temple to defend against the tension headache that is building in intensity. If he doesn’t work this conflict out with his 8-year-old daughter, all hell will break loose when his wife, Lori, gets home.
Last weekend he and Lori had a big blowout about Eric’s job and the toll it was taking on the family. Eric had tried to defend himself, arguing that he was the first to leave the office every day despite enormous pressures to stay and work late into the evening. “What’s the point?” Lori responded, her voice dripping with contempt. “From the moment you set foot in the house until you pass out on the couch, you are glued to your BlackBerry. Your idea of spending quality time with Hannah is sitting next to her while she watches ‘SpongeBob’ and you check your e-mail. And I can’t remember the last time you actually made it upstairs to sleep in your own bed. Just 5 more minutes, you promise every night, but in the morning, chances are I will find you asleep on the couch, the laptop screen glowing with whatever document you were working on when you finally passed out.”
Deep down, Eric recognized that Lori was right, but he felt trapped between a rock and a hard place. The expectations and pressure on him at work were significant, but lately he spent much of his time in the office ruminating about his shortcomings as a husband and father and worrying about whether Lori would leave him. During these episodes he would become paralyzed with fear, which was making him fall further and further behind at work. Yet when he was home, his mind would become overwhelmed with worries about losing his job, and he felt compelled to tie up the loose ends of the day. After the fight Eric had resolved to try harder at work and at home, but he felt hopeless, like he was a spectator in his own life, watching himself just going through the motions.
Filled with guilt and remorse, Eric trudges up the stairs toward his daughter’s bedroom in an attempt to restore peace. “Anyone want to join me for some ice cream and a movie?” he asks with false cheer. Hannah nods excitedly and springs from her bed, her mood lifted at the thought of receiving two treats usually limited to special occasions. “Don’t tell Mommy; it will be our secret,” Eric nearly pleads. A temporary relief washes over him as they snuggle together on the couch in front of the television, a container of ice cream between them. But the relief vanishes as the buzz of his BlackBerry prompts a flood of new worries.
Most of us can easily identify people, places, or activities that we have avoided at one time or another because of fear or anxiety. But we might be less aware of how avoidance can influence the quality of our participation in meaningful life events. On the surface it may seem like we are diligent in managing several important life domains. We might devote significant time and energy to our jobs, regularly socialize with family and friends, tirelessly volunteer with a number of different groups in the community. But careful observation sometimes reveals that we are not fully engaged in or attentive to the activities that make up our daily lives.
Clearly, Eric’s worries about work and his family are interfering with his effectiveness as an employee, spouse, and father. They are also eroding his overall quality of life, his sense of enjoyment, satisfaction, and purpose. Eric is frustrated because the efforts he is making to improve his performance at work and to connect with his family have not been effective. His boss is growing concerned because Eric continues to leave the office at 5:00 P.M. each day even as he falls further and further behind on his work. Lori is exasperated by the fact that Eric seems to be prioritizing his work over his family. A much closer examination of Eric’s anxiety and avoidance are needed to better understand his struggle.
Eric sprints from the bus stop toward his office, hoping to slip behind his desk before his boss notices that Eric is late again. Of course the reason he is late is that he didn’t fall asleep until almost 2:00 A.M. because he was up worrying about the fourth-quarter report that is due by the end of the day. Eric fell asleep on the couch, and Lori was in the shower when his alarm went off. By the time she finished up in the bathroom and realized that Eric was still asleep on the couch, he had already missed his usual bus.
The receptionist glances meaningfully at the clock as Eric hurries to his cubicle. He signs in to his e-mail and is immediately bombarded with messages, one from his boss marked as high priority. Eric can feel himself break out in a sweat, and his heart begins to pound. He knows that he should read the message immediately, but he feels lightheaded and dizzy. Instead, Eric stands up and heads to the men’s room, fighting an urge to run out of the building. As he splashes cold water onto his face, Eric’s thoughts return to his family. He feels guilty about letting Hannah watch a movie because Lori is always preaching about the negative effects of television on children. Eric returns to his desk, minimizes his inbox, and begins to search the Internet for articles on the link between television viewing habits and academic achievement. Eric quickly becomes absorbed by the debate and spends an hour researching the topic. As he reads he begins to worry about whether he is saving enough for Hannah’s college education. Eric signs in to his 401K account to check his balance and read about loan options.
Right around noon Eric is startled by the ringing of his phone. He checks his caller ID and lets the call roll over to voice mail. Lori is calling to remind him that he promised to be home early and to join her at Hannah’s school play, without his BlackBerry. Eric silently resolves to work on his report so he can leave at the strike of 5:00. He spends the remaining hours of the afternoon pulling together a draft, but his efforts are halfhearted. Eric knows that it will be impossible to produce quality work in the time he has. He hopes his boss will understand that Eric had to attend Hannah’s school event.
Eric meets Lori outside of the auditorium, and together they quickly weave through the crowd to get a seat in the front. Eric is filled with overwhelming pride as he watches Hannah perform. Lori reaches for his hand and squeezes it, a simple gesture that conveys both love and forgiveness. For a moment Eric feels at peace as he considers how lucky he is to have such a wonderful family. But these warm, positive feelings quickly fade as he considers how close he is to losing them both. Eric feels an intense surge of fear as he realizes that Lori will likely leave him unless he is able to set firm boundaries between his work and home life. With a jolt he remembers that he never read the e-mail from his boss. For the remainder of the performance, Eric is distracted by thinking about all of the possible issues that his boss could have raised in the e-mail message.
At first glance, it is hard to see any avoidance in Eric’s behavior. He deeply values both his work and his family, and he is consumed by thoughts and worries about both life domains. But closer observation suggests a different, more subtle form of avoidance may be present. Specifically, Eric often worries about possible, but not imminent, negative outcomes as a way to avoid the immediate experience of intense fear. For example, when Eric is confronted with a task at work that cues fear, he worries about his family as a way to distract himself and manage his emotions. Although worrying is still associated with a negative mood state, it dampens the intense panic that was building in response to the more immediate work-related threat. Similarly, general worry about work distracts Eric from the intense fear and sadness of contemplating the loss of his family. Engaging in worry about a possible future event rather than experiencing intense emotion in response to a current situation is sort of a “lesser of two evils” form of avoidance. Noticing it when it happens requires letting go of preconceived notions and assumptions about the nature of anxiety and worry and carefully observing responses as a situation unfolds.
If Eric were to bring mindfulness to his current struggles, several changes would be possible. First, he would recognize when his attention was being pulled away from the present moment, and he would have the skills needed to refocus on the present moment. Mindfulness can reveal
avoidance . . . and do
a lot more to help you
manage anxiety. Eric would also be able to see how worrying about his family while at work and about work while with his family is driven by his desire to live in accordance with his values in both of these domains. On the other hand, mindfulness would give Eric the clarity to recognize that worrying is actually a fairly ineffective way of demonstrating his commitment to these life areas. Instead, Eric would use mindfulness skills to bring compassion to the difficulty of balancing work and home and create a space in which he could devote his full energy and attention to his family when he is with them and to his work when he is at work. Finally, mindfulness would allow Eric to feel effective and derive satisfaction from his actions in both domains, rather than feeling confused and helpless.
Annie leans forward in her seat, fingers poised above the keyboard of her laptop, eyes fixed on the board. Although her body is situated in a classroom, her mind is replaying an earlier conversation with her long-term boyfriend, David. What had started as a discussion about their weekend plans had devolved into a bitter argument. “It was completely irresponsible of David to invite people over for dinner,” Annie fumed to herself. “Finals are coming up, and we have to ace these exams if we want to get into graduate school. Plus, we haven’t cleaned the apartment or done laundry at all in the last week. It would be so embarrassing if anyone saw what a wreck the place is. We just don’t have the time this weekend to socialize with anyone,” Annie concluded. But David was so irrational and irresponsible. He couldn’t see that canceling the plans was the most rational course of action. When Annie tried to explain her logic, David just shook his head and muttered, “What happened to you? It’s like you don’t even know how to have fun anymore.”
Back in the classroom, the professor interrupts the lecture to hand back a graded assignment. As he shuffles up and down the aisle, Annie studies the photo background on her desktop—a picture of her and David during their last vacation. She can’t help noticing how young they both look, the silly grin plastered on her face as she watches David mug for the camera. Annie replays the morning’s argument over and over in her mind. She has always been responsible and hard-working. But lately it does seem like she is just going through the motions, completing chore after chore, trying to keep everything perfect. Annie is startled by the realization that, in her quest to remain focused and on track, she may be jeopardizing the very things that matter most to her.
As a high school student things had come easily for Annie. She did well in school, had a close-knit circle of friends, and had a boyfriend on whom she could rely. Things changed when she went to college. No longer a big fish in a small pond, Annie felt intimidated by her classmates and had difficulty developing new friendships. She began to fear that David would realize that Annie was not particularly special or unique and break up with her to pursue a different relationship.
For the first time in her life, Annie felt extremely vulnerable and unsure about her place in the world and began to worry about her future. The sadness, fear, and doubt she was suddenly confronted with frightened her, and she did not allow herself to fully experience these responses to her new situation. As a way to keep her fears about the future somewhat contained, Annie began to worry incessantly about minor matters. Annie’s apartment needed to be kept neat and clean at all times. She could not tolerate being late for classes or appointments. Every homework assignment, quiz, test, or paper had to be completed perfectly. Annie even began to approach her social life and leisure activities with the same perspective. In an attempt to remain popular, Annie tried to schedule lunch with a classmate at least once a week. She and David went to the movies or dinner with another couple at least once a month. Although Annie enjoyed outdoor activities such as hiking and skiing, she allowed herself only one excursion a month.
Focusing on these small, achievable goals felt manageable to Annie and gave her a sense of control. Unfortunately, Avoidance comes at a cost
that we may not notice
without mindfulness. it also distracted her from the simple pleasures of living from moment to moment, enjoying the challenges inherent in college, and appreciating her relationships. Annie was thriving academically. She remained a serious, responsible student, was active in a variety of campus organizations, and generously volunteered her time at a local hospital. She had a long-term relationship with someone who cared deeply about her. But avoiding the pain of feeling vulnerable and frightened was subtly leaching the enjoyment out of what seemed on the surface to be a full, busy, meaningful life. Avoidance often comes at a cost.
HABITUAL AVOIDANCE:
RESTRICTIVE INSTEAD OF PROTECTIVE
Fear is a natural response to an immediate perceived threat. Avoidance is a behavioral tendency aimed at reducing fear, dodging threat, and maximizing our chances of survival. Unfortunately, without much thought or effort on our part, efforts to avoid fear and pain can develop into habits and preferences that have an impact on every aspect of our lives. When we struggle with anxiety, choices about how we spend our time, where we invest our energy, and whom we open up to can be driven more by our attempts to avoid fear and vulnerability than by our desire to engage in meaningful and valued activities.
It is sometimes easier to notice how avoidance affects the big decisions in life: which career we pursue (a position in accounting rather than sales, for example); whether we commit to or terminate a relationship; how we spend our free time (taking up a solitary activity like long-distance running vs. volunteering at a church). We often pay less attention to the subtle ways avoidance nudges us to respond moment by moment to the choices that arise. Should I have a glass of water or a soda? Do I sleep in today or get up early and go for a run? Should I call a friend tonight or watch TV? Should I stay at work and finish this project or visit my grandfather in the nursing home? Do I confront my partner or let the issue go? Although we pay them less attention, these moment-by-moment choices considerably affect our quality of life.
Tianna thinks about the importance of exercising almost every day. Several mornings a week as she lies in bed she thinks about ways she might incorporate more physical activity into her day. Several of her friends have regular exercise routines; maybe she could call one of them and ask if she could tag along at the next cycling class. She has also discussed taking a class at the Y with her partner, Roy. She thinks about how that would both bring them closer and help them engage in a healthier lifestyle. Her kids have a Wii, and she has tried playing Wii Fit and Dance, Dance Revolution a few times. Maybe scheduling a regularly occurring family Wii night would be an easy way to fit exercise into her busy life.
But when Tianna sees some of her friends at the corner dropping their kids off at the bus stop, her fear of intruding on them holds her back from asking about the cycling class. Plus, they have been exercising for a while and she could never catch up. As usual, Tianna’s day at the office is busy and stressful. In an attempt to avoid any conflict with her boss, she stays at work until she finishes the last of a pile of expense reports and misses her usual train home. As she runs to the station so as not to miss the next train, Tianna calls Roy to ask if he will pick up some fast food on the way home. There is no time tonight for a healthy, home-cooked meal. Tianna is met by a jumble of activity when she steps into her house. Apparently, her eldest daughter is responsible for bringing baked goods to her club meeting the next day, and her son put off studying for his test because he really needs Tianna’s help. Swiftly and efficiently, Tianna begins whipping up a batch of brownies while quizzing her son on the different empires of Mesopotamia. Although she licks the pan along the way, she is still starving when Roy hits the door, and she digs into one of the warm bags he drops on the counter and fishes out a handful of salty fries. After the kids are taken care of, the cats fed, and the laundry pushed along, Tianna collapses on the couch for a little restorative “me” time. She feels too exhausted to even consider working out and instead flips on the television to help her wind down. The next morning as she contemplates how to lead a healthier lifestyle she concludes that the situation is hopeless and out of her control.
Tianna is unaware of the multitude of small choices she made that culminated in her choice not to exercise. The decision not to bring up cycling at the bus stop on one particular day seemed insignificant in the moment. She didn’t consider leaving work at the regular time because she automatically defers to her boss’s requests to avoid his disapproval. Tianna does not recognize that she places the preferences of her children before her own needs without thought or hesitation. She did not consider how food choices would affect her physical and psychological motivation. Tianna made several small in-the-moment choices aimed at avoiding anxiety and reducing stress. But at the time she didn’t see most of them as choices, nor did she connect them with her desire to live healthily.
In addition to severely limiting our choices and activities, avoidance can prevent us from acting effectively in a situation. Making lots of little choices
without being aware of trying to
avoid anxiety can add up to big
choices we never thought we made.Eric’s unwillingness to directly experience the fear he would feel if he fully engaged in his work is threatening both his job security and his marriage. Annie’s rigid attempts to be perfect, which she hopes will keep her safe and loved, are also backfiring, creating conflict and distance in the very relationship she hopes to keep. When we are focused on threat, and all of our efforts are aimed at avoiding fear and pain, we are less tuned in to the consequences of our behavior. We can miss the essential clues that remind us that a new or different response is needed. Avoidance can keep us stuck, using ineffective strategies in an attempt to improve our lives.
EXERCISE A closer look at avoidance and the ways it may be holding you back
This exercise involves freely expressing your deepest thoughts and emotions about the ways in which anxiety and avoidance may be preventing you from having the life you desire.
We would like you to explore four different topics (described below) in a writing exercise. You should limit your writing to one topic per day so that you have time to really focus on each exercise.
Each day, choose a time when you can devote an uninterrupted 20 minutes to the exercise (we recommend setting a timer). Choose a location that is private and where you feel comfortable and safe exploring your deepest and most honest emotions.
Each day, keep in mind a few important topics we have discussed:
• Mindfully approaching this exercise involves:
—Turning toward something that we would usually avoid.
—Taking a fresh look at a familiar response (approaching it with curiosity).
—Bringing gentle self-compassion to your responses, rather than harsh criticism (this takes practice and we will work on it together; for now just try to respond to yourself with kindness as best you can).
• Avoidance includes:
— Making obvious choices to avoid people, places, and activities that elicit fear.
—Subtle changes in behavior that are sometimes disguised as preferences.
—Going through the motions and not truly engaging in important activities.
—Making little choices and compromises to reduce distress without being fully aware of your actions and their consequences.
As you write, try to allow yourself to experience your thoughts and feelings as completely as you can. If you can’t think of what to write next, repeat the same thing until something new comes to you. Be sure to write for the entire 20 minutes. Don’t be concerned with spelling, punctuation, or grammar; just express whatever comes to mind.
DAY 1
Please write about how you think your anxiety and worry might be interfering with your relationships (family, friends, partner, etc.). Here are some questions to consider to get you started:
• What are some things that you do when you are anxious that affect your relationships?
• How do your anxiety and worry hold you back in relationships?
• What do you need from others in your life? What do you want to give to others? What gets in the way of asking for what you need and giving what you want to give?
• Do you make choices in your relationships that are driven by avoidance?
• Are you present and engaged when you are with others?
DAY 2
Please write about how you think your anxiety and worry might be interfering with your work, education or training, or your family/ household management if you are a stay-at-home parent. You might think about these questions:
• What are some things that you do when anxious that affect your job/studies?
• How do anxiety and worry hold you back in your work/schooling?
• Are there changes that you would like to make in this area of your life?
• Do you make choices in your work/studies/household management that are driven by avoidance?
• Are you present and engaged when working, studying, or managing your household?
DAY 3
Please write about how you think your anxiety and worry interfere with your ability to take care of yourself, have fun, and/or get involved with your community. For example:
• What are some activities in these areas that you would like to spend more time doing?
• How do your anxiety and worry hold you back?
• Do you make choices about your leisure or community-based activities that are driven by avoidance?
• Are you present and engaged when participating in leisure or community-based activities?
DAY 4
This is your last day of writing, so take some time to reflect on what came up for you over the last few days as you allowed yourself to focus on the issues raised in the first three writing assignments. Have you noticed any important areas that need more attention? Have you noticed activities or situations that you avoid because of your anxiety in any areas of your life? Feel free to write about whatever comes up for you about these three areas of living.