A ‘salon’ aboard the Italian Castle … this would be a moderately splendid public room available for private hire. There are entrances upstage Right and Left on a raised section, and the body of the room is approached down a short Central staircase, perhaps only a few steps. The space has been fairly cleared.

One table, however, is preserved to accommodate a fairly elaborate buffet.

The salon contains a telephone.

There is also a baby grand piano. Adam is at the piano. Gal is at the buffet.

We are in mid rehearsal. Natasha and Ivor are singing a duet. They are not ‘in costume’. After the first verse they go straight into the dialogue of the rehearsal.

Turai, who is nominally in charge, divides his time between watching placidly from one side and reading a newspaper.

‘This Could Be The One’

Natasha and Ivor

This could be the one,

Never knew the sky so blue

Till you kissed me and I kissed you.

When all’s said and done,

This could be the one.

Natasha Justin, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Ivor Have you?

Natasha Oh, Justin! I need your help. Actually it’s mother.

Ivor Have you thought of asking Reggie Robinsod?

Natasha Reggie Robinsod? Why do you say that?

Ivor (lapsing) It’s the way it’s typed. (Pause.) Oh, right. (resuming) Have you thought of asking Reggie Robinsod?

Natasha It’s Reggie who’s the cause of the trouble. He has telegraphed the Italian police to arrest Mother as soon as the Dodo reaches Naples!

Ivor I’m sorry to say this, Ilona, but your mother’s arrest is long overdue. I don’t know why she is still at large.

Natasha Justin!

Ivor Your mother gives a chap pause, Ilona. As a matter of fact, your mother would give anybody pause, even two or three chaps working as a team. Pause, if we’re going to be open about this, is what your mother would give Mussolini … so don’t worry your pretty little head about the Italian police, and tell your mother not to worry her pretty enormous one either.

Natasha Justin!

Ivor It was the sight of your mother, Ilona, which made me hesitate to propose to you until fully three hours after I saw you standing here at this rail when I came aboard at Monte Carlo. I noticed her on deck when I was halfway up the gangplank. ‘That’s jolly nice!’ I said to myself, taking her to be a small bandstand, and then I heard you say ‘Good morning, Mother’ and the words, ‘Will you marry me whoever you are’ froze upon my lips.

Natasha Justin! (to Turai) Look, is that all I get to say? He’s walking all over my mother with his smart remarks and all I do is bleat ‘Justin’.

Turai Well we can stop to criticize my work or we can get on to more important matters.

Natasha (getting the point immediately) Justin!

Ivor I feel I can speak freely about your mother now, now that you have evidently broken off our secret engagement.

Natasha Justin! (to Turai) Good.

Ivor I must have been blind! Last night when you kissed me on the stern (lapsing) … Do you think that might be misunderstood? I’ll make it the poop, shall I? (resuming) Last night when you kissed me on the poop … (lapsing) well, how about the sundeck!

Gal In the moonlight.

Ivor Last night when you kissed me on the sundeck in the moonlight –

Gal Forget the sundeck.

Ivor Last night when you kissed me in the moonlight it was Reggie Robinsod who was in your thoughts.

Natasha Justin!

Gal Reggie.

Natasha Reggie! How could you think –?

Ivor How could I not? Ilona, last night when you kissed me I gave you a pledge of my love, a single emerald earring which had once been worn by the Empress Josephine and has been in my mother’s family since the day the Little Corporal tossed it from his carriage window to my maternal ancestor Brigadier Jean-Francois Perigord de St Emilion who had escorted him into exile. That jewel was our secret, but it has betrayed you. Here it is.

Natasha Where did you find that?

Ivor Where you left it – in Reggie’s cabin!

Natasha Reggie!

Gal Justin.

Natasha Justin!

Ivor Yes. I looked in on him before breakfast to tell him I had booked the ping-pong table. He had already left. As I was closing the door something by his bed caught my eye. It was Empress Josephine’s ear-ring. Say nothing, Ilona. There is nothing to be said. I know that Reggie Robinsod has money while I have nothing but the proud name of Deverell.

Natasha Not even that, Justin. Your name isn’t Deverell and never has been.

Ivor Ilona!

Natasha It is Tomkins!

Ivor Ilona!

Natasha I wanted to give you the chance to tell me yourself. I would have forgiven you. Now it’s too late.

Ivor But how –?

Natasha I thought I knew you the moment I caught sight of you coming up the gangplank. When I saw your forehand topspin it came back to me – Bobby Tomkins who won the ping-pong tournament at the Hotel des Bains on the Venice-Lido in ’26. I confess I was a little in love with you even then.

Ivor Well! So neither of us is quite what we seem, Ilona. Perhaps we belong together after all.

Natasha There’s one more thing I haven’t told you.

Ivor What is that?

Natasha This! (She sweeps back her lovely hair from one ear, dramatically.)

Ivor (gasps) Josephine’s other ear-ring!

Natasha Ear-rings come in pairs, after all, Justin.

Gal Bobby.

Natasha Bobby. Reggie Robinsod is the rightful owner of the emerald ear-rings. One of them disappeared years ago and ended up, God knows how, in the innocent possession of my mother, unregarded and unrecognized until last night when Reggie noticed it among her trinkets. He called my mother a thief and left to telegraph the Naples police, taking the emerald back to his cabin, where you found it! As for this one which you gave me, it was stolen recently from his suite in the Grand Hotel in Monte Carlo – wasn’t it, Tomkins?

Ivor I cannot deny it.

Natasha (passionately) Oh, tell me it was just a moment of madness! You’re not really a jewel thief.

Ivor I am. I have always been. I was the village jewel thief and I went on from there – regional – national – international! I’ve been stealing ear-rings, necklaces, bracelets and the occasional tiara all my adult life.

Natasha But why?

Ivor Who knows? Perhaps I was starved of affectation as a child, (lapsing) That’s a typing error, is it? (a hostile silence) Oh I see. While we’ve stopped, how would some corporal get hold of the Empress Josephine’s ear-rings? Does that seem odd to any body? (Pause.) Right. (resuming) I didn’t go to Reggie’s cabin to ask about ping-pong – I waited until he left and then went to steal whatever I could find. I might as well be frank.

Natasha Frank!

Gal Bobby.

Natasha Bobby! Oh what a fool you’ve been! You must have known something was up when you found the ear-ring in the cabin of the very man you stole it from!

Ivor The name Reggie Robinsod meant nothing to me. The hotel room which I burgled belonged to the shipping magnate Sir Reginald Sackville-Stew.

Natasha You mean Reggie Robinsod is Sir Reginald Sackville-Stew of the Sackville-Stew Line, owner of the Dodo?

Ivor (lapsing) They’ll never follow this, you know. And we haven’t even got to the complicated bit when it turns out that, after the child was stolen in Harrods while the Sackville-Stew nanny was buying sensible shoes, the first ear-ring was found in Ilona’s potty.

Natasha What potty? The ear-ring was clutched in my little fist.

Ivor It was in your potty.

Natasha It’s obscene, my script says fist.

Ivor All the others say potty.

Natasha (leaving) Right.

Gal Fist.

Natasha (returning) Thank you.

Ivor Well what are you going to do, Ilona?

Natasha I have no choice. My mother has been branded a common thief. I must clear her name and tell the Italian police everything I know, including, come to think of it, my suspicions concerning the several robberies at the Hotel des Bains in Venice the year Bobby Tomkins won the ping-pong singles under his real name.

Ivor It wasn’t actually. I’ve used many names.

Natasha Well, what is your name?

Ivor Gerald something. They’ll have it at Haileybury if you really want to know. I still have the cups for cross-country and boxing somewhere. The police were called but they never suspected me. In fact I’ve never been caught for anything. I was always too careful … until I fell in love!

Adam, at the piano, picks up the tune again.

Natasha I wish I knew what to do, Justin!

Gal Gerald.

Natasha Gerald.

Ivor and Natasha go back into the song.

Ivor

Natasha

Both

Ivor

Natasha

Turai Now you kiss her! …

They kiss demurely. Somewhere round here, Dvornichek enters with a cognac on a tray, heading for Turai.

Turai You call that a kiss? Again!

They kiss again, a little less demurely.

No, no, as if you meant it!

Ivor and Natasha kiss more convincingly, and Adam bangs all the piano keys and leaps up … just as Dvornichek is carrying the cognac past him. Adam sweeps the cognac off the tray and downs it in one. Dvornichek, his attention distracted, innocently offers the empty tray to Turai.

Turai Don’t worry, Adam, I quite understand – it must be agony for you. (to Dvornichek) Cognac.

Dvornichek (leaving) No problem.

Natasha (nervously) Sandor … darling, what can you mean?

Turai It’s perfectly obvious what I mean. It is agony for an artist to discover that the fruits of his genius have been delivered into the hands of a couple of wholesale greengrocers. You are supposed to be in love with Justin Deverell, the international jewel thief who came on board at Monte Carlo. He kindled a little flame in your heart the moment you caught sight of him coming up the gangplank. The boat has now travelled south to warmer parts and so has the little flame, and you’re kissing him as though he were about to turn into a frog.

Ivor Did you call me a greengrocer?

Turai I did. Why do you ask?

Gal I’ve known some very decent greengrocers. Of course I haven’t heard them sing. Anybody care for a little chicken, ham, duck …?

Turai Are you still eating?

Gal Barely. My system rejects food, as you know. I have to employ subterfuge to get anything past my lips.

Turai You seem to be employing a firm of caterers. What is the meaning of this picnic? Are you expecting guests?

Natasha Darling Alex … I feel like a little duck …

Turai You sing like a little duck and (to Ivor) you act like an enormous ham.

Ivor I have never met anyone so rude.

Turai You have evidently never met an international jewel thief either. I see him as the sort of chap who travels and steals jewels. A bit of a Raffles if you like, and if you can manage it. Not, shall we say, the sort of chap who cuts a swathe through the lock-up garages of Canning Town.

Ivor Who the hell do you think you are to talk to me like that?

Turai (surprised and cold) I think I am your author, a simple teller of tales and setter of scenes … on whom your future hangs like a dead fish from a telegraph wire.

Natasha (warningly) Ivor …

Turai (smiling at Ivor) Shall we get on?

Ivor Yes … yes … let’s get on, for heaven’s sake. I mean we’re not getting into the part which … which needs the work, (to Natasha) Are we?

Natasha He’s quite right Sandor we really ought to work on the Casablanca bit.

Turai Where would you like to go from?

Natasha and Ivor Mother is coming up for sale this afternoon.

Turai Excellent choice. The cruise ship Dodo has arrived at Casablanca –

Gal Dido for God’s sake? You’re not going to name a boat after a typist’s error.

Turai I certainly am. That woman was inspired.

Gal She wasn’t inspired. She was Polish.

Turai The Dodo has reached –

Natasha You don’t have to tell us the plot – we’re in it, aren’t we, Ivor?

Ivor Absolutely.

Gal I can’t follow it at all.

Ivor But you wrote it.

Gal That’s what worries me.

Turai It’s perfectly simple. Sir Reginald Sackville-Stew who has joined the cruise under the name of Reggie Robinsod –

Gal Are you going to call him Robinsod?

Turai Look, is there anything else which doesn’t meet with your approval?

Gal The mayonnaise isn’t really up to snuff.

Turai I’m sorry about that.

Gal Worst things happen at sea.

Turai I’m trying to fix our bearings with a résumé of the plot.

Gal Do, do. I wish I could help.

Turai (resuming) Sir Reginald Sackville-Stew, for all his wealth and his famous jewel collection, has been denied happiness since his baby daughter was kidnapped from her pram some … (He glances speculatively at Natasha.) twenty-nine years ago.

Natasha Who is fighting me in this show? The police? Turai There won’t be any show if you don’t keep quiet.

Natasha And where’s my real mother, Lady Sackville-Stew?

Turai (losing patience) She died giving you a very wide birth! Leaving behind not only you and Sir Reginald but also the famous Sackville-Stew emerald ear-rings, the world’s largest pair of matching emeralds, which Sir Reginald has made up into ear-clips as a parturition gift for his lovely wife.

Natasha Parturition gift. (emotionally) All my mother wanted was a decent obstetrician and you despatch her with a couple of clips on the ear!

Ivor I see! So in fact the old dragon who’s got the other ear-ring isn’t Ilona’s mother at all … because Ilona is, of course, Sir Reginald’s missing daughter!

Gal So that’s it!

Ivor It’s the way we keep calling mother mother. It’s confusing.

Gal Turai – I think I see it. It will be like the Chorus in Henry V.

Natasha (stunned) There’s a chorus in Henry V?

Gal (ignoring her) The curtain rises. The Dodo at sea. Sunny day, gentle swell. Passengers disport themselves on deck. Beach ball here, cocktails there. Half-a-dozen débutantes. A girl – shy, an unspoilt beauty, simply dressed, smiling at an elegant grey-haired man, immaculate white suit. Close by, her amusingly garish mother has paused to speak to a debonair young man in a rakish yachting cap with something mocking about his eyes … an Irish policeman appears on the poop …

Dvornichek appears at the top of the steps with another cognac.

Gal With one speech he puts us in the picture! It’s Murphy.

Dvornichek Me?

Gal No, not you –

Dvornichek No problem. It’s like this. Ilona has won the big prize in the raffle at the charity ball, i.e. two tickets for a round-the-world cruise, donated by the Sackville-Stew Line which owns the sister ships Dodo and Aeneas.

Gal (to Turai) Excuse me.

Turai There’ll be a small change there, Murphy – the sister ships Dodo and Emu.

Dvornichek Much better. Well, then. Sir Reginald Sackville-Stew, spotting the lucky winner across the crowded ballroom, is immediately smitten with Ilona who reminds him a little of his late wife, for very good reason though he doesn’t know that yet because Ilona already has a mother as far as she’s aware, and being unmarried and a bit of a wallflower until Justin Deverell takes the pins out of her hair but that’s getting ahead of the story, she naturally brings mother along on the second ticket, and Sir Reginald decides to join the cruise incognito … calling himself Reggie Robinsod, because he wants to be sure that if Ilona returns his feelings on some moonlit deck it won’t be because he owns the deck, all clear so far? Of course, it’s all going to come out with the ear-rings which Sir Reginald gave his wife – one of which went missing soon afterwards, about the same time as the Sackville-Stew baby was kidnapped, say no more for the moment, and the other of which was stolen quite recently by guess who, and given to Ilona during a duet on the poop deck; because when Reggie Robinsod recognizes the ear-ring, Justin realizes that Reggie must be Sackville-Stew, since that’s who he’s stolen it from, though in fact Reggie has recognized the matching one which has been in Mother’s possession for all those years – which is why Mother realizes suddenly whose baby she’d stolen, everybody happy? Mind you, all this is just the sauce for the meat of the matter, which is that owing to the slump, Reg has leased out one of the sister ships to what he doesn’t realize is a gang of white slave traders supplying girls to the North African market. Unfortunately, there has been a mix up in the paper work and the Emu is at this moment full of French tarts on a round-the-world cruise while the Dodo is tied up in Casablanca.

Gal Murphy … have a cognac.

Dvornichek Thank you sir. (He drinks the cognac.)

Turai Would it be all right if I had one too?

Dvornichek Certainly, sir.

Ivor (stopping Dvornichek) How did you know all that?

Dvornichek It’s in the script.

Dvornichek leaves. Rather suddenly, the Italian Castle appears to have hit rough water. Dvornichek, who has been braced against the non-apparent swell, starts to find his feet as the others begin to lose theirs … this happens between the end of his long speech and his exit. The onset of the storm may be indicated by whatever means possible including the movement of furniture, and of the visible horizon if there is one.

Ivor It is?

Gal Of course it is … scattered about … most of it …

Natasha Adam, I know how you feel darling but don’t lose heart, it will be all right on the night or even sooner. (to Turai) That’s what rehearsals are for, aren’t they, if we can just get on.

Turai Very well let’s get on.

Gal Isn’t it a little rough?

Turai Rough? It’s simply under-rehearsed. Where were we?

Natasha Was it something about Mother being for sale?

Turai I believe it was. Naples has fallen below the horizon. Mother has eluded the Italian police only to come to grief in Casablanca where she is in the hands of the white slavers. Ilona finds Justin on deck.

Natasha Justin.

Ivor Oh Ilona.

Natasha Mother is coming up for sale.

But almost at once loud electric bells ring out. The rehearsal falters and simultaneously Dvornichek appears upstage and addresses everybody through a megaphone.

Dvornichek Everybody on deck! Go to your panic stations! No lifeboats! Sorry! – Go to your lifeboat stations – no panic!

Turai Stay where you are!

Dvornichek A to K, the starboard davits! – L to Z port beam amidships! – and don’t crowd the fences!

Ivor Are we sinking?

Dvornichek I knew there was something! – get your life jackets! (He rushes out.)

Turai Did I tell you to dismiss! (to Ivor) Where do you think you’re going?

Ivor I can’t swim! (He runs up the stairs and disappears.)

Turai The utter selfishness of it! – The ingratitude! –

Natasha (who has remained calm) But Sandor, for all you know we are sinking.

Turai What if we are? – A boat this big can take hours to go down! Are you afraid of getting your feet wet?

Turai encounters Gal, who has gathered up a few necessary provisions from the buffet and is taking his leave.

Turai Et tu, Brute?

Gal Excuse me Turai, the life rafts may be overcrowded. I thought I’d book a table.

Adam has not moved from the piano.

Turai Like rats leaving a sinking ship. I shall complain to the captain. Where do I find him?

Gal Try the lifeboat.

This takes Turai and Gal out of sight.

Natasha Adam …? If you’re staying I’m going to stay with you. You can’t get along without me.

Adam plays his reply, ‘I Get Along Without You Very Well’.

No, you don’t.

Adam plays, ‘I Want To Be Happy’.

And I can’t be happy either till I’ve made you happy.

Adam plays, ‘Goodbye’.

All right, I’ll go.

Adam plays, ‘Abide With Me’.

All right, I’ll stay. I’ll go down singing accompanied by Adam on the piano.

Natasha (sings)

Adam

Natasha

Adam

Natasha

Adam

Natasha

Adam

Natasha

Both

Dvornichek enters, makes immediately for the telephone.

Dvornichek He’s coming. He’s furious. He wants to talk to the captain.

Natasha Why’s that, Dvornie?

Dvornichek We’re not sinking, (into the telephone) Connect me with the captain – he’s in the wardrobe.

Natasha Sandor is furious because we’re not sinking?

Dvornichek (to telephone) Have it your own way, wardroom, (to Natasha) It was just a practice. Like a fire drill when it’s not a boat. (to telephone) Well, on the Mauretania we always called the wardroom the wardrobe. I don’t know why – just get on with it – Mr Turai wants him. (to Natasha) Good thing it was, too – turned out my job was to make sure there was no one left on board.

Natasha Why you?

Dvornichek It’s one of their traditions, apparently. Last on, last off.

Turai enters and is fuming.

Turai Damn cheek!

Dvornichek (correcting him mildly) Dvornichek.

Turai Have you got him?

Dvornichek Nearly.

Turai Where’s Gal? Where’s Fish?

Natasha Sandor, stop pouting. The sea is too rough for rehearsal anyway.

Turai I am about to do something about that.

Natasha (alarmed) Sandor, don’t you think you ought to lie down?

Dvornichek (into phone) Ah! Is that you, Skip?

Turai snatches the receiver out of his hand.

Turai Turai! – Now look here, I haven’t got time to rehearse your disasters as well as my own! Turai, Sandor Turai! Oh really, how kind of you to say so. My secret is uninterrupted rehearsal, since you ask. Oh, have you …? Yes, I’d adore to read it. Set on an ocean liner, eh? – What a good idea. I’ll send the steward to pick it up. Actually, there is something you can do for me. As we are having such a rough crossing – Really? How interesting. Nevertheless, it is a bit rough by the standards of crossing Piccadilly, and it occurred to me that the boat may not be pointing in the best direction – we seem to be banging against the storm … Against the swell, yes … so if you could possibly give us an hour or two of pointing the other way … What? – Oh, I think you’d enjoy it – I think it’s very much your sort of thing … It would be my pleasure, they’ll be at the box office in your name … Absolutely – and about the other matter … That’s very decent of you. Yes, I’ll hold on –

Ivor has entered in a bright yellow jacket which hides most of him.

Natasha You look ridiculous.

Ivor I’m not taking it off.

Natasha (to Ivor) I am not singing ‘This Could Be The One’ to a man in a life jacket.

Ivor I thought we should just read one or two scenes – (a meaningful glance towards Adam) The sea is too rough for anything else.

Natasha Sandor is doing something about that.

Turai (into phone) Fine, fine – I’m most grateful, go ahead …

Ivor (labouredly amused) Oh yes? – Who’s he talking to? God?

And indeed the dangerously swaying room now rapidly calms down.

Turai (into phone) Better … bit more … that’s about it … that’ll do nicely … thank you, I look forward to meeting you too – but not just yet if you don’t mind!

Turai replaces the telephone, Ivor approaches it with amazement.

He can only give us an hour. Murphy, get me a cognac.

Dvornichek Aye, aye, sir.

Turai And you’d better pick up the Captain’s manuscript.

Dvornichek Aye aye.

Turai By the way, when do you sleep?

Dvornichek In the winter, sir. (He leaves.)

Turai I’m not leaving this boat without that man in my retinue.

Ivor (examining the telephone) It’s a trick, is it?

No one takes any notice of him.

Turai Where’s Gal?

Gal enters with a tiny snack, removing a lifejacket.

Gal (feelingly) The women and children on this boat don’t give an inch.

Turai (to Ivor) Take off that absurd article. If we hit an iceberg, I will arrange for you to be informed.

Ivor with ill grace removes himself from the lifejacket. Meanwhile Natasha has carried a tray of delicate sandwiches to Adam.

Natasha Adam, darling, why don’t you eat something – you mustn’t be so minor key.

Turai Leave him alone. I want to save his voice, (to Adam) Me fortissimo, you piano.

Natasha (losing her temper) Shut up! I’ve had quite enough of you!

Ivor So have I. And if we hit an iceberg I would consider it an improvement on the present situation, especially if you go down with the ship.

Turai (calmly) So. It seems that my legendary good nature towards petulant children, rabid dogs and actors as a class, coupled with my detestation of sarcasm and mockery in all its forms, especially when directed at the mentally disabled, has lulled you into impudence and given you a misplaced air of indispensibility, what I like to call a sine-qua-nonchalance. I am to blame for this. I have mollycoddled you. I have made obeisance to your exiguous talent. I have forborne to point out the distance that separates your performance from an adequate realization of the character I have created for you. That there is such a distance you may have no doubt. I myself have just sent out for a pair of bifocals, and I’m thinking of borrowing the captain’s telescope.

Natasha (with dignity) I’m sorry if I do not seem to suit your little play. It requires a large adjustment for someone connected, as I am, with the Shakespearean theatre.

Turai If you are referring to your Juliet, you might as well claim a connection with the Orient Express by virtue of having once been derailed at East Finchley.

Natasha (leaving) Rrright. If you require to speak to me you will find me in my cabin.

Turai (pointedly) If I require to speak to you I can make myself heard quite easily from my own.

Ivor (hurriedly) No, no – let’s not quarrel, eh, – I’m sorry, Turai – Natasha is sorry too – We really would like to get on (to Natasha) Wouldn’t we?

Natasha (collecting herself) Yes, let’s get on.

Turai (cheerfully) That’s the spirit. Darling. Dearest Natasha. Let me see a smile. No, a smile. That’s better. Now I forgive you. Are we friends?

Natasha (grimly) Darling, Sandor … dearest … we are in your hands.

Turai (gallantly) It’s a privilege. And for me too. My angel. Forgive me also. I spoke in anger. I didn’t mean it about your Juliet. It was right up there with your Pauline. Now where were we?

Ivor Mother is coming up for sale this afternoon.

Dvornichek enters smartly with Captain’s manuscript and cognac on a tray.

Dvornichek Here we are, sir. One cognac and one copy of All In The Same Boat with the captain’s compliments.

Turai About time! Over here and take that rubbish away. I’d like your opinion of it.

Dvornichek Right. (He hands Turai the manuscript and drinks the cognac.) I’ve had better. Will there be any thing else sir?

Turai A cognac.

Dvornichek Certainly sir.

Natasha (shouts) Mother is coming up for sale this afternoon.

Ivor (in character) I know all about it. Reggie is with the radio officer trying to contact the Emu.

Natasha The Emir?

Ivor No, no, there’s been a mix up with the sister ships. The Emu has reached Athens and the girls who were supposed to be delivered to the Casbah cash in advance are running around taking pictures of the Acropolis.

Natasha Oh Justin.

Ivor I can’t see any problem. Your mother is for sale. I will buy her. There’s only one thing I need from you, Ilona.

Natasha Of course! (She mimes removing an ear-ring and giving it to Ivor.)

Ivor So it’s farewell to the Sackville-Stew emeralds.

This, of course, for Adam’s benefit … but, unfortunately, Adam has now eaten his way towards a revelation of the engraving upon the silver tray, underneath the sandwiches. The engraving, naturally, is familiar to him. He starts to catch on … and begins to investigate the other silver salvers, emptying them of their contents one by one, until he has a collection of perhaps half a dozen trays identical to the one Turai had presented to him. He has approached Turai with these trays and now reproachfully hands them to him – after which Adam leaves the stage. Gal has noticed all this, and with an anxious glance at Turai, Gal hurriedly follows Adam off the stage. Natasha and Ivor have remained unaware of their departure.

Turai All right, there’s no point in going on with that.

Ivor (seizing his opportunity) I’m afraid you’re right, Turai – but don’t worry. While you were in Deauville I thought I’d pen to paper, don’t you know, and – erm – Natasha and I have something to show you.

Turai (gravely) I am inexpressively touched.

Ivor Thank you. It’s probably no good.

Turai Come, come, I’d be privileged to be given a glimpse.

Ivor Well, it’s the bit which starts off with mother coming up for sale – we’ve rehearsed and rehearsed …

Meanwhile Natasha, after a couple of sidelong glances, has missed Adam …

Natasha Ivor …

Ivor (heedlessly) You know, getting it right for you, almost to the last minute – I think you will find it quite moving –

Turai Indeed. What a shame Adam isn’t here to see it.

Ivor Yes, isn’t it – What? (He looks around.) Damn and blast it!

Gal hurries back into the room.

Gal He’s not in his room. He seemed upset about something. (drily) I see you have recovered some of the family silver. These shipping lines are completely unscrupulous.

Dvornichek enters with a cognac on the usual silver tray.

Dvornichek Here we are sir! One cognac.

Turai, who is already carrying several silver trays, furiously grabs Dvornichek’s while Dvornichek deftly saves the glass of cognac.

Turai Will you stop filling this room with these damned trays!

Dvornichek What am I supposed to do with the drink?

Turai Surely you can manage a glass of cognac?!

Dvornichek downs the cognac, remarking …

Dvornichek Oh – thank you very much. Good health. Will there be anything else?

Turai (with great self-control) Have you seen Mr Adam?

Dvornichek Yes, sir – don’t worry, it’s all taken care of, no problem.

Turai What isn’t?

Dvornichek I gave him the telegram.

Turai What are you talking about?

Dvornichek The telegram from his mother.

Turai I know you did. I was there.

Dvornichek I mean the second telegram.

Turai Second telegram?

Dvornichek Now you’re getting it.

Turai What did it say?

Dvornichek She just missed him in Cherbourg and is taking the next boat to New York.

Turai I’m going to faint.

Dvornichek I’ll get some brandy.

Turai Don’t bother, I’ll throw myself overboard.

Turai hands the Captain’s manuscript back to Dvornichek. Turai and Dvornichek leave in opposite directions.

Gal Well, shall we get on?

Ivor What for?

Gal What for? I thought we were rehearsing.

Ivor Oh yes.

Gal Where were we? … Mother is coming up for …

Ivor and Natasha No – no.

Gal What’s the matter?

Ivor and Natasha Nothing, nothing.

Gal Perhaps we’d better go from the beginning, I’ll set the scene, the curtain rises, the Dodo at sea.

Natasha Oh my God.

Gal Sunny day gentle swell passengers disport themselves on deck. A girl, shy, unspoilt beauty simply dressed … A debonair young man in a rakish yachting cap … An Irish policeman appears on the poop.

Turai staggers back on, half carrying Adam who is wrapped in a blanket.

Ivor (baffled) Is this right?

Natasha My God!

Gal Stand back … put him in the chair.

Natasha What happened?

Gal Get some soup!

Turai He’s all right – he jumped into the sea.

Natasha Adam darling, you’re all wet – I’m sorry – I can explain it to you.

Gal He must know why he’s wet.

Turai Stop making such a fuss. He’s come to no harm at all.

Natasha But who saved him?

Dvornichek enters wearing a bathing suit. His hair is wet, he carries a cognac on a tray, and Adam’s dripping hat, a boater.

Dvornichek Here we are sir! One cognac.

Turai At last.

Natasha Dvornie!

Dvornichek No problem.

Turai reaches for the cognac but Natasha intercepts it and starts feeding it to Adam.

Natasha Darling …

Gal Shouldn’t we take him to his cabin?

Turai We can’t rehearse in his cabin, we’d never get the piano in there for a start.

Natasha For God’s sake, Sandor –

Turai For his and for mine and not least for yours, stop pouting and pick up your cue.

Gal Are you serious?

Turai It has been a day of constant and frivolous interruptions. I am not prepared to indulge any of you any more. It’s the January sale at the slave market and Mother is lot one. Ilona tells Justin the bad news but Justin has a plan, carry on …

Natasha He’s right! (to Ivor, shouts) Mother is coming up for sale this afternoon, and you can’t see any problem!

Ivor (taking the hint) I can’t see any problem! Your mother is for sale! I will buy her.

Natasha Justin! …

Dvornichek Gerald.

Natasha Gerald.

Ivor There’s only one thing I need from you, Ilona.

Natasha Of course!

Ivor So it’s farewell to the Sackville-Stew emeralds. It’s funny how little they mean to me now. It is I who have been robbed, for you have stolen my heart … (sings) ‘You stole my heart and made an honest man of me.’

Turai I can’t bear it. Murphy, get me a cognac.

Dvornichek Yes, sir.

Turai Bring the bottle, have one yourself.

Dvornichek (leaving) Thank you, sir. Two bottles of cognac.

Turai Stock characters, stock situations, stock economy of expression. What seemed to be delightful and ingenious like a chiming pocket watch, turns out to be a clanking medieval town hall clock where nothing happens for fifteen minutes and then a couple of stiff figures trundle into view and hit a cracked bell with a hammer – bonk! – Justin is a jewel thief! Bonk! Reggie is Sir Reginald! Bonk! Predictable from top to bottom.

Ivor I think it’s just the last part, really.

Turai Bonk! Jewel thief reformed by love of good woman! Bonk! They win the mixed doubles at ping-pong!

This is Ivor’s big moment.

Ivor Excuse me, Turai. I think I might be able to help you on this one.

Turai Oh really?

Ivor Yes. The fact is that while you three were in Deauville, Natasha and I were talking about the ending and we thought it was a bit bonk bonk, don’t you know?

Turai (coldly) I beg your pardon?

Ivor Well, we did. A bit predictable, we thought. (to Natasha) Didn’t we?

Natasha Yes. Sort of bonk … bonk.

Turai Bonk bonk?

Ivor Yes. Well, as you know, I have a certain gift for, well, words, really.

Turai How would I know that since you have always gone to such trouble to conceal it?

Natasha Not so much words as construction.

Ivor That’s it – I tell wonderful stories.

Turai (incredulously) To whom?

Natasha (snaps) Let him finish, Sandor!

Ivor Well, the long and the short of it is that I thought I’d put pen to paper and Natasha and I have worked up a little scene if you’d like us to do it for you. All right?

Turai In all my born days I have never encountered such brass. I have had actors who won’t take their trousers off, I have had actors who won’t work with cats or in the provinces, in short I have had from actors every kind of interference with the artistic process but I have never had an actor with the effrontery to write.

Ivor I say, look here Turai –

Turai The nerve of it!

Natasha (finally) Sandor!

Turai What, pray, is the burden of your little scene?

Ivor I suppose you could say it was less bonk bonk … and more hiccup.

Turai Hiccup?

Ivor Yes. One more boy-loses-girl before boy-gets-girl.

Gal (interested) How do you achieve that?

Natasha Ilona agrees to marry Reggie, then when they announce their engagement, Mother has hysterics because she can’t marry her own father and the truth comes out so Ilona is free to marry Justin after all. I thought it was rather clever, actually. Well done, Ivor.

Turai Gal, have you ever heard anything like it?

Gal Yes, but let’s not dismiss it on that account. (to Natasha) Where do we go from?

Ivor and Natasha ‘Mother is coming up for sale this afternoon.’

Natasha and Ivor resume their characters.

Ivor I know, it’s rotten luck. At least no one is likely to buy her.

Natasha That’s just where you’re wrong. Reggie is going to buy her.

Ivor Reggie! That’s disgusting! To think that an Englishman –

Natasha No, no he’s buying her for me!

Ivor Oh I see.

Natasha You know what this means, Justin?

Ivor We’ll have your mother around again.

Natasha Apart from that. I have told Reggie that I will marry him.

Ivor What?

Natasha I must. It’s a matter of honour.

Ivor I will outbid him!

Natasha With what?

Ivor You’re right, Ilona. I have never put anything aside for the future, not a single cufflink. Wait! – It’s not too late! I have stolen the ear-ring twice, I can steal it again!

Natasha It is too late. Look – (She sweeps back her lovely hair, both sides.) – my engagement present from Reggie!

Ivor The Sackville-Stew pearls!

Gal Emeralds.

Ivor I’ve made it pearls.

Gal Why?

Ivor Well –

Natasha A pearl is much better – babies are always swallowing them.

Gal But it was in your little fist.

Natasha No, it was in my little potty.

Gal You said it was obscene.

Natasha An emerald would be obscene. A pearl is perfectly sweet. (resuming) Goodbye, Justin.

Ivor Let me kiss you one last time, my darling.

Adam has been slowly coming to life and taking an interest. But, having done so, he has lost interest. He has decided to leave. He begins to depart in an exhausted kind of way, and it seems that he might go out of earshot before the critical part of the scene arrives … but noticing him going, Ivor and Natasha forge ahead resolutely, and as Adam begins to recognize the words he halts.

Natasha Just this once. Don’t get carried away.

Ivor My angel!

Natasha Now, you promised not to get carried away.

Ivor I can’t help it!

Natasha You’re not going to begin again!

Ivor Yes, again! And again! I love you, I adore you, I worship you! I worship you as the moth worships the candle flame! I love you as the Eiffel Tower loves the little fleecy cloud that dances around it in the summer breeze …

Gal and Adam have turned to look at each other in amazement.

Natasha You’ll soon forget me!

Gal Excuse me … What was that he said?

Natasha Please don’t interrupt. (resuming) You’ll soon forget me.

Ivor No, no I’m mad about you! But you’ve plucked out my heart like the olive out of a dry martini and dashed me from your lips!

Natasha Don’t spoil everything we’ve had together.

Gal (to Turai) Excuse me, Turai.

Turai What is it?

Natasha Come, give me your hands.

Gal We’ve heard this before.

Natasha I will remember your hands –

Turai I thought it seemed familiar.

Natasha Such clever wicked hands too when I think of what they have done.

Turai Who’s he got it from? Sardou?

Gal No, we heard it last night!

Turai Of course!

Ivor What’s going on? This isn’t fair to my work.

Natasha Please be a good boy. Remember this afternoon. Here, let me kiss you.

Ivor That’s not a kiss, that’s a tip. Let the whole world know I’m a dashed martini!

Natasha That’s not true. You will always be the first. If I had ten husbands, no one can take your place, but I’m engaged to be married so please be kind and leave me now.

Ivor All right, I will. Only let me see you as I want to remember you. Lift your hair. Let me move your collar just a little –

Natasha Oh, you’re impossible – what are you doing?

Ivor One last look – one touch – I beg you! Oh that pink round perfection! Let me put my lips to its rose smoothness.

Gal Her ear-ring!

Ivor And the other one!

Gal Her other ear-ring.

Ivor How beautiful they hang there!

Turai Enough.

Adam Natasha!

Turai This is revolting.

Ivor What did you think in general?

Turai It won’t do.

Adam (without pause) Yes, it will. It will do wonderfully!

Turai You thought it good?

Adam (without pause) I thought it the best play I’ve ever seen.

Natasha (realizing) Adam –

Adam (to Natasha) You were wonderful. I’ve never liked you better or loved you more.

Gal (realizing) I say, Adam, my boy –

Adam (gaily) Don’t Adam-my-boy me – in my opinion Ivor knocks Gal and Turai and Shakespeare into a cocked heap.

Turai (realizing) How extraordinary!

Adam Ivor, let me shake you by the hand.

Ivor How do you do? We’ve never really said hello.

Adam Hello, hello, hello.

Natasha Adam! You’re speaking!

Adam Of course I am!

Natasha You’re cured!

Adam hesitates, realizing.

Adam Good heavens. (Pause.) So I am.

Natasha Don’t stop! I love you. (Pause.) Adam?

Adam pauses but he is teasing.

Adam (rapidly) I love you, I love you, I love you. Ask me a question – quick – any question.

Natasha Will you marry me?

Adam (instantly) Without hesitation, because I love you, I love you, I love you.

Dvornichek with a cognac glass and a bottle on a tray has walked in on this. He approaches Turai.

Dvornichek Here we are, sir – one cognac.

Adam snatches the bottle and glass.

Adam Thank you, Dvornichek. I love you too! I love everybody!

He fills the glass and unexpectedly hands it to Turai. Turai takes it gravely.

Your cognac.

Turai At last.

And drinks it. The telephone rings – Adam picks it up.

Adam (into telephone) Yes? Adam here, the conversationalist … Hello, captain! Art thou sleeping there below? … Hang on, I’ll ask him. (to Turai) Have you had a chance to look through All In The Same Boat?

Turai I will have to ask my literary consultant.

Dvornichek Hopeless.

Turai Hopeless.

Adam (into the telephone) Hopeless. (He hangs up.) He seemed upset.

The ship’s hooter sounds. A moment later the boat shudders and everything starts to sway again as the boat moves back into the wrong direction.

Turai Some people can’t take constructive criticism.

Dvornichek Early praise isn’t good for them. Let them struggle, otherwise they’ll never strive for perfection – writing, rewriting, up to the last minute.

Turai Quite – get me a cognac.

Dvornichek You’ve got one in your hand. Burning the midnight oil.

Turai I want two cognacs.

Dvornichek The bottle’s there. Writing through the night.

Adam (to Dvornichek) What was that?

Dvornichek What was what?

Adam Mr Turai was up writing through the night?

Dvornichek (pause) Problem!

Adam What a fool I’ve been. (to Ivor) Ivor, did you write that scene while we were in Deauville? I asked you a question. Did you write that scene?

Natasha Of course he did! Answer him, Ivor!

Gal He can’t speak. He’s got Adam’s disease. (He has.)

Adam (to Turai) I owe you everything, you and Mr Gal. You are my benefactors, my friends. I know that you won’t lie to me.

Turai And you are quite right. I am incapable of lying to you. You are like a son to me. You are more. You are youth, idealism. You are the future. To lie to you would be a crime.

Adam Did Ivor write that scene?

Turai Every word.

Gal Thank God.

Natasha You see!

Adam (not celebrating yet) Then I have one more question.

Turai You wish to know, in that case, what was I working on last night?

Adam Yes.

Turai I will tell you exactly. Last night I realized we were on the wrong boat.

Gal To New York?

Turai To Casablanca. You are right about the ending, you are right about the beginning, and the middle is unspeakable. I have spent the day in an agony of indecision but now my mind is made up. The Dodo is a dud and we have to scuttle her here and now.

Gal But we’re contracted to arrive in New York with –

Turai A much better story is staring us in the face.

Gal What’s that?

Turai The Cruise of the Emu.

Dvornichek Much better.

Adam Oh, thank God!

Turai I thought you’d like it.

Adam No, no I mean – oh, forgive me!

Dvornichek Adam, what is all this about?

Adam Nothing, a storm in a teapot! I love you all over again! He was writing the cruise of the other thing!

Gal Well, we’ve got four days. Where do we start?

Turai Well …

Gal I know – with Murphy!

Dvornichek Me, sir?

Gal No, actually, I meant …

Dvornichek No problem. It’s like this. The Emu under the command of a handsome young captain, who is unaware that on board there is a beautiful stowaway who, unbeknownst to him and to her, is a missing heiress, is circumnavigating the globe with a full complement of French tarts, who are ignorant of the fact that the white slavers, little knowing that there has been a mix up with the sister ships, intend to take over the boat with Pepe the Silent.

Turai Who the hell is Pepe the Silent?

Dvornichek (indicating Ivor) The white slavers’ ugly henchman who’s had his tongue cut out and is silently in love with the missing heiress, so saves her life and remains silent while she goes off with the man she loves; very moving, usually.

Turai Fish, you’re a lucky man. How did you know all that?

Dvornichek It’s the captain’s manuscript, sir.

Turai It is?

Dvornichek He can’t write but he has a certain gift for construction and absolutely no original ideas of any kind.

Turai He sounds like a natural. Adam, you’ve got the part.

Adam Who’ll play the piano?

Turai Murphy?

Dvornichek I’m a bit rusty.

Turai Serves you right for getting wet. Can you read music?

Dvornichek No problem. 

Turai Murphy, have a cognac.

Dvornichek Thank you, sir, and may I say what a pleasure it is to serve you, sir – you are, if I may say so, sir, quite a swell.

Dvornichek takes command of the piano. Natasha and Adam go into the song.

Natasha

Adam

Both

Turai Now you kiss her.

They kiss.
   Which is the end … but, perhaps by way of a curtain call, Dvornichek at the piano leads the Company into …