Chapter Eighteen

Justin tapped his fingers against his thigh as he waited for Marley in the carline at school. He called Brandon and asked him to clear out of the farmhouse for the afternoon. He had a feeling he and his sister would not need an audience for the conversation they needed to have. One look from her as she got in the car told him that conversation wasn’t going to come easy.

“How was your day?”

Marley didn’t respond. She turned in her seat and looked out the window as he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the street. Nearly every house he drove past was decorated for Christmas. Some were clearly displayed for the enjoyment of children, with colorful lights and cartoon characters. Others were understated and elegant. Justin had never considered himself a Grinch, but he had not shown much Christmas spirit in the past. He was single and alone except for his small circle of family, and Christmas was about tending to others, people you loved. Now that he had Marley and was making slow but incredibly sweet progress with Tara, he wanted it all: the decorations, the food, the music, and, most of all, the magic that came from believing in something bigger than yourself. First, he had to make things right with his sister. He drove a few miles before he tried again.

“Marley, you have to talk to me. I’m sorry I took your phone. I didn’t realize until I looked at it why it was so important to you.”

She turned to him. “You looked at it?”

“I did. I had to see what was taking your attention from everything else. Marley, I don’t think I every told you how sorry I am about your mom. I’m sorry she died, and I’m sorry I never really knew her and didn’t know you until this year.”

She didn’t answer and Justin sighed. “Marley—”

“Just stop, okay. Just stop being so nice to me. Stop trying to take care of me. You don’t have to. I know you think you do, but you don’t.”

They reached the farmhouse, and Justin waited until he parked to respond. “I do have to take care of you. You are my sister.”

“Just stop!”

Marley got out of the car and ran through the yard. Surprised by the outburst, it took Justin a moment to follow. He found her at the broken fence between the yard and the pasture, standing still as she looked toward the mountain.

He stepped forward cautiously, fearing she would bolt again if he got too close.

“Marley.”

“Shh. Look.”

Justin followed her gaze to the edge of the mountain, where a small herd of elk stood grazing. The size of them was magnificent, but their elegance was breathtaking. He stood there with his sister, at least two arm’s length between them, and watched as the beasts lowered their heads to the ground. They did not seem frightened but confident that the land belonged to them before anybody else. Before long, a smaller, but no less extraordinary, one broke free from the rest and wandered slightly away from the trees. Soon, he was joined by another, who gently attempted to guide him back to the herd.

Justin heard Marley’s sharp inhale and turned to her. Her short breaths turned to puffs around her in the late afternoon air, and her shoulders shook. In that moment, all the walls were down. She was suddenly just a little girl surrounded by grief and wonder as she watched the giant animal gently nudge her young. She breathed in sharply, and he could see the last vestiges of her anger give way to tears—fat, silent drops that fell onto the gloved fingers that she clasped tightly on the fence. He stepped toward her, and she dropped her head.

“I’m sorry about your mother.”

“Thanks. It was a long time ago, but—”

“No, I’m sorry that she—about how she died. That it was because of me and my mom.”

Justin blinked. He shook his head, closed the distance between them, and put his hand on her shoulders, leaning down until she had no choice but to look at him.

“Where did you get that idea?”

More short puffs came from her as she spoke. “When you were traveling looking for houses and I was staying with Ann, Aunt Linda came by one night. I was doing my homework, but the walls are thin, and I could hear them talking. She told Ann that she hoped I realized how hard keeping me was for you, that your mother probably wouldn’t have killed herself if she hadn’t found out about us.”

Simultaneous feelings of sadness and rage tore through him. His aunt wasn’t cruel, but her ignorance certainly made her seem so at times.

“And how did Ann respond?”

“If I repeated it, you probably wouldn’t give me back my phone.”

Justin nodded. “I wish you would have listened to her and not Aunt Linda.” He kneeled down until he could look directly in her eyes. “Marley, listen to me. What happened to my mother was not your fault. It was not your mother’s fault, or my fault, or even our father’s, though God knows I blamed him and myself enough. She was sick and had been for a very long time, probably her whole life. She had access to doctors and medication, but in the end, it was too much. Her death was as biological as cancer, and no one is responsible for it.”

It was the truth, and for the first time, Justin accepted it. He rose and gently pulled Marley to him. She didn’t resist, and he could feel her sobs as he rocked her. He felt like he’d been kicked in the chest. The idea that this had been weighing on her for months, along with everything else, killed him.

“Marley, you have to trust me enough to talk to me. I can’t take away your grief over losing your mom. That has to run its course. But I could have taken this off you. Guilt puts such a strain on your heart, even when there’s no need for it.”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by bringing it up. You’re wound so tight sometimes, and I didn’t want to make it worse.”

What was he saying about guilt? “I’m sorry, Marley. I think I’ll be less wound now. And I’m sorry for freaking out about counseling. You were trying to talk to me, finally, and I completely shut you down. I’ll try not to do that again. But after what happened to my mom, it scares me when people get sad.”

“Maggie says it’s natural to be sad sometimes, even when you’re happy.”

“Yeah, I get that now. Listen. If Maggie thinks it’s okay to stop counseling, then I’m okay with it, too. I would like us to have a couple of sessions together, though, just to work some things out.”

She pulled away from him and nodded. “Okay.” She looked by toward the mountain. “The elk are gone. They were pretty cool, huh?”

They turned and walked slowly toward the house. “Yeah, it’s like we have our own reindeer. Pretty fitting for the season.”

“You know I don’t believe in Santa, right?”

“Yeah, I figured.” He was a little disappointed. He would like to have experienced that part of her life.

“I could be persuaded, though, if it got me more presents.”

Justin laughed. The girl wouldn’t have to believe in Santa for him to load the house with gifts on Christmas morning. Marley deserved every good thing he could provide.