Andrea
That feeling was back. That feeling I had in the cemetery the day Benjamin and Roy showed up. Someone was watching me. Careful to have my keys in hand, I hurried to my car, scanning Dillard’s parking lot left and right.
“Hey girl, thought that was you. What’s up? What’s this I’m hearing about you and Benjamin Dunn?”
“Ouch!” I banged my head on the open trunk when I jumped. I was on edge, and Gloria had scared me.
As I finished loading my purchases, I braced myself for what I was in for. We hadn’t even exchanged hugs yet, and she was already knee-deep in my business. Gloria had an opinion about everything, and she had loved Carolyn. That’s why she had taken it upon herself to let Michael, her brother who was a police officer, know that Benjamin was back. I couldn’t be mad at her about that, it’s just with my feelings developing more and more everyday for Benjamin, I didn’t want to hear Gloria’s rundown of why I was out of my mind for even considering it.
“Look at you, you’re looking good,” I told her. It was the truth, and a viable stall tactic. Her red-orange hair was styled in a short, relaxed cut that worked on her. Gloria wore at least three earrings in each ear, and these days, a ring on just about every one of her weekly manicured fingers. This week she was sporting a color that had to be Rambunctious Red. Plus, no matter how much pizza she ate, and she could put it away with the best of them, she remained a size eight. Fourteens had always fit me comfortably, but I’d be twice her size in a minute. I blamed the added weight on the stress of the past two-and-a-half years. Right now, the zipper on my jeans resisted all kinds of pressure to just give up the fight and come undone.
She popped her gum as we embraced. “You know I got to know about you and Benjamin,” she explained, smelling like Juicy Fruit. “Mama even asked me what I knew, and I had to tell her nothing because my sister friend, Andi, has been too preoccupied to pick up a phone. Start talking.”
I closed the trunk. “Well, he’s been back in town almost three weeks now. He brought Roy home, and they are living with his mother.”
“I know that much. After all this time, he just waltzes back as if nothing happened? Like everybody and his uncle wasn’t out looking for his sorry ass? How’s the baby. How’s Roy?”
“Oh Gloria, Roy’s fantastic.” I couldn’t stop my voice from oozing praise. “Benjamin has done a terrific job with him. You have to see him.”
“Personally, I hope he’s the spitting image of Carolyn. That would serve his ass right. I hear there’s some Chiquita chick in the picture? A little tit-for-tat is what I’ve been hearing.”
“There is a friend that has been helping. Her name is Marissa Torres.”
Gloria adjusted her designer purse strap on her shoulder and folded her arms across her chest. “They’re playing house, or what?”
“Or what,” I said.” You want to get a cup of—”
“That’s what he told you?”
“Yep.”
“And you believe him?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I do.”
“So, suddenly you’re feelin’ him? I don’t get it.”
“Gloria, are you still working for the phone company?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because I feel like I’m being interviewed for an article in the Post, that’s why.”
Face creased, her arms fell. “Oh, it’s like that.” She closed the space between us. “I’d rather hear about this now and not when you come crying to me when this asshole pulls some more crap. Just trying to be a friend, but hey, forget it.” Gloria threw up her hands as if willing to let go of the matter. “I got plenty of shopping to do.”
She walked off and left me there, twisting my mouth, debating if I wanted to apologize to her or not. Gloria definitely had a flair for the dramatic, but I knew she wouldn’t stay mad at me long, because we were close. I had cried myself to sleep many a night on her couch after Carolyn’s death.
As I put on my sunglasses, I noticed a black SUV pulling out at the end of my row, and a dark blue Lincoln Towncar with tinted windows slowly pull up beside Gloria. I could hear the greeting sounds long-lost friends made. Now it was my turn to be nosy. I stretched my neck as far as it would go in their direction.
“Andi!” Gloria called to me. “Girl, come and see who this is. You’re not going to believe it.”
Good, because I couldn’t imagine who it was. As I approached, the window on the passenger side silently lowered. Barry Jordan sat behind the wheel. I hadn’t seen BJ since Carolyn’s funeral. The sight of him, mixed with the smell of all that luxurious leather made me grin.
“BJ!”
“Andi, good Lord! You look rejuvenated. Get in here, girl. Come on Gloria and tell me where you’re getting this awesome jewelry.” I clicked my remote to lock my Cougar and got in his front seat. Gloria sat behind him.
His voice nearly clapped with glee as he raised the windows. “I’m just so happy to see you both!”
I took off my sunglasses to get a good look at him. BJ was still as fine as the day is long: tall, thin, clean-shaven with tan-colored skin. His hair was cut as low as it could be cut, and he had dimples for days when he smiled. Just puppy-dog cute, always was.
“I go to Jeff City for a few months, come back to find out that you have moved Andi, and I can’t get in touch with anybody! What’s up with that?” He slapped a playful hand on my thigh. “Don’t worry, I didn’t take it personally. But, speaking of moving, I’m gonna show you my new place. It’s much nicer than Ghetto Heights, ladies. Wait until you see.”
When we were growing up, BJ lived between Gloria and me on a street called Garden Haven, or Ghetto Heights as we affectionately referred to it.
“BJ, this car is something else,” Gloria said. “This backseat is just about as big as my whole kitchen.”
“It’s sweet, isn’t it? I’ve eaten back there a time or two myself.”
“Ewww! Why spoil it for a sister, BJ? Did I need to know that?” Gloria asked.
“Ha! My bad. I remember you used to like me to share all the details. That must have changed.”
“No, it hasn’t, trust me.” I hoped my look told him Gloria still preferred to be fully informed. “What else have you been up to? This is a step up from that used Saturn with the dented fender.”
He laughed. “Well, you are looking at a kept man. I met Mr. Works-for-the-Governor’s-Office, and since then I’m on voluntary lockdown—for the price of this car, my condo, and a healthy monthly allowance, I should mention.”
“That’s what I need,” said Gloria, “a sponsor. They can come get this true love crap as far as I’m concerned and stop lying to the masses.”
“That’s right. It’s all about bargaining and trade-offs,” BJ agreed.
“Um hmm. Tit-for-tat, there’s a lot of that going around these days,” Gloria added, for my benefit I was sure.
BJ’s condo was located in the renovated heart of downtown. It was early evening, and inside the garage was brighter than it was outside, a great security feature.
The living room window featured a postcard view of the Gateway Arch on the riverfront. The 630-foot monument glistened in the sun.
“Okay, now see, this is living,” Gloria said, giving herself a quick tour. “And all you have to do is see him—what, twice a week? I want your job BJ, I swear I do.”
“Everybody wants my job, but everybody can’t do it like I do, okay sugar? What can I say?”
“How about you just pour the wine,” Gloria suggested.
BJ put three glasses and a chilled bottle of wine on a tray. We settled comfortably on his blue-green leather sectional. Even though it was the middle of August, he clicked on the gas fireplace. We wanted to be consumers of every perk available, and the air conditioner was running full blast. Content to be in each other’s company, we sipped wine.
“What about you, Andi? You want my job, too?”
“No thanks, I’ve got a job.”
“She’s got a man, too, BJ. A younger one at that. Ask her about Ben Dunn.”
“Wait, is he working with the street crews?” BJ sat his wine down in his excitement. “I saw this fine brother—totally chiseled—paving that street two blocks over. I said to myself, that looks like Benjamin Dunn, with his Hershey-chocolate self, bald head shining in the sun, but I thought I was delirious. Seeing all those hot, sweaty men at the same time can have that effect.”
Gloria and I laughed at BJ’s enthusiastic assessment.
“That’s him,” I said. “His uncle got him the job.”
“What’s up? Last time we talked, you were vowing to hand him his manhood. Are you telling me you found a better place to put it?” BJ asked.
I didn’t miss BJ’s humor, but I took a long swallow of wine, thinking it might help me articulate my thoughts. “I like Benjamin. I have always respected him, even when I hated him. True, he’s three years younger than me, but he is a strong man, and a strong, involved father. Remember? We were glad about that because we knew Carolyn sometimes … We knew that she didn’t have a lot of inner strength and sometimes she’d get …”
“Fucked up?” BJ supplied the words he thought I wanted.
“I was going to say lost.”
“Yeah,” Gloria said, “but everybody knew that as far as Carolyn was concerned, Roy was the reason she was put on this earth. She surprised everybody by nursing Roy well into the fall, and we all know how much Carolyn loved how she looked in those halter tops. Remember when my girl whipped out that breast at Mimi’s wedding reception and Miss Prim and Proper at the next table launched into her eyebrow exercise program?”
I did recall. Carolyn had adjusted the blanket so nothing was revealed. Looking directly at the woman, she had loudly explained that she fed Roy with such style, grace and discretion that only the prudes noticed and only the backwards protested.
Reminiscing about Carolyn’s devotion to Roy made us all smile for a few seconds, and then the atmosphere became serious again.
“Ben had to know it would kill Carolyn to not know where her baby was,” Gloria pointed out. “And I will go to my grave believing that Carolyn was not sucking the pipe again. She was my girl; she was your sister. How is it she could be doing crack again and both of us not have a clue? Smoking a little pot—yes, but was that a reason to take her child from her the way he did?”
“I’m not defending the way Benjamin left, but if he really did find the bag with the drug stuff in it, there’s no defense for Carolyn either. In that case, he was justified. That would mean she was a stone crack addict, and no child deserves that.”
Gloria shook her head like she was sorry for me. “Here you are, prepared to forgive Benjamin for causing your twenty-five-year-old sister’s death. Why? Because he’s managed to raise her son well with the help of Chiquita, the Latin Lover?”
Rolling my eyes at her, I said, “Nothing is black and white, Gloria. If everything in life was that simple, the world would be a happier place.”
“Hmph. Don’t look at me like I just slapped you either, Andi. Not that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind. I want you to make sure you know what you are doing if you are considering getting involved with this man.”
“This is some heavy shit,” BJ commented, as he reached for the small wooden box on his coffee table. “I got hold of some excellent smoke the other day.” He began twisting the weed inside rice paper without missing a beat. “Was Ben shackin’ up with somebody the whole time he was gone?”
“From what Ben told me, Marissa was scared and about to become homeless. She was fifteen and her aunt died. She moved in—which is different from shackin’ up.”
Gloria accepted the joint and inhaled deeply, held it, and then let the words flow out on her exhale in a trail of smoke, “And, of course, he’s never touched her.”
“Well, nowadays, you just can’t get with anything off the street like you could in the old days, no matter how many Trojans you plan on using,” BJ said with unmistakable longing in his voice.
“Living in the same house going on three years, with a teenage Jennifer Lopez wannabe, and all he wants is a nanny? Somebody give me a break,” Gloria said.
“Gloria, how do you know what she looks like? Have you seen her?” BJ asked.
“I’ve seen her. She’s is a J Lo wanna-be, maybe even cuter,” I admitted.
“Girl, he probably found a real woman to handle his needs, that’s all,” BJ said. “Although, waking up to J Lo every morning might even make me want to broaden my horizons.” BJ shifted in his seat and crossed his legs. “But, back to Mr. Dunn. He looks like he can handle his business; can he?”
I feigned a shocked look. “BJ!”
“Oh, now you’re going to pretend to be all shy. She’s going to be all shy now, Gloria. We used to talk about Allen and what was his name with the size thirteen shoe? Eugene? You weren’t shy then! And, as I recall, Eugene thought you hung the moon, so I know you haven’t forgotten about him.”
“Oh, shush.” I stopped him by showing him the hand. BJ, you’re not going to make me blush, so stop trying. “I’ve thought about Benjamin a lot since he’s been back, and I want to move forward in our relationship, but I need to think clearly. Gloria is right about that.”
“It’s all that time unaccounted for, that’s the problem. You have no way of knowing what he has been doing,” BJ said. “Ben is buff. You have to workout an hour a day minimum to stay in that good of a shape. You sure he wasn’t working on some chain gang somewhere? I hear those are still going strong in places like Mississippi.”
“No, I don’t think so. I can tell by watching him with Roy that they have been together. Are you trying to live out some of your prison fantasies at my expense?” I teased. “Besides, he has an alibi.”
“That’s right, but you’re talking about the actual murder, and I’m talking about the murder of her spirit, her zest, her joy for life,” Gloria said. “I don’t believe he was justified in doing what he did and never will. But, go ahead. Throw common sense and intuition right out the window,” Gloria said. “If loyalty to your sister’s memory is not an issue, and I don’t know why in the world it wouldn’t be, then just tell me this. How will you be able to trust him? If it’s in his nature to just get up and go, how do you know he won’t do it again? I mean, what if you decide to become a Mormon or something and he decides that Roy cannot be exposed to that. Is he gonna up and leave? You get involved with Ben, and he might just put you down like a bad novel and keep on steppin’ whenever the whim hits him. He’s already proved he can be a cold-hearted bastard.”
“You’re right, Gloria. I don’t want to invest all my emotion in Benjamin only for him to decide one day that he can live with or without me. I refuse to do that. Not that a drug addiction and a choice of religion can be compared, but I’d rather stay celibate than get into an ill-conceived relationship with him.”
“Ohhh, that’s right!” Gloria smacked the coffee table with her hand and laughed. “Why am I worried? You’ve decided to be celibate. When Benjamin finds out he ain’t getting none, he’s not going to stick around. Just you wait and see.”
I passed on my chance to take a hit of the herb making the rounds. One person in the family with a penchant for getting high was more than enough. I never used it.
Gloria’s comments, including that last remark about Benjamin being unlikely to live without sex, made my stomach churn.
“You’re right. He might not stick around. But Gloria, let me say this. You will never understand the depth of my bond with Carolyn, because if you did, you would never suggest that I could disrespect her in anyway. Carolyn was your friend, but she was my sister. I was in the room when Roy was born. When Benjamin took him, I lived through every single day of that horror with her. I identified her body. I visit her grave every month.”
I could see Gloria’s tough-love persona melt; she’d finally heard me.
“I have forgiven Benjamin.” That surprised me. I didn’t know that was true until I had said it. “I needed to release that negativity and accept that Benjamin played a part in causing the most painful days of my life. Carolyn caused a lot of that pain herself, and I have forgiven her. I can move past that. The question is, move past to where?”
Gloria stood with a heavy sigh. “I give up. Do whatcha gotta do. I’m going to the bathroom. Is it down the hall, BJ?”
“Yeah, straight back.”
Mumbling to herself, Gloria left us alone.
When the bathroom door closed, BJ spoke in a softened voice, “She’s right you know. Do what you gotta do. Don’t worry about what other people think. And don’t be afraid either. Sounds like you’re looking for some kind of guarantee. When does that ever happen when it comes to love?”
“Love? You think that’s what I’m talking about?”
BJ arched his brows and waited for me to answer my own question.
Pushing my hair back, I shook my head. “Love is something worth fighting for. There are no guarantees, but I want an honest relationship. Benjamin and I would need to want the same things out of life; something beyond a physical relationship. If we had that, it’s not the same thing as love, but it would be a start.”
“Okay, but listen to what your heart is telling you. People want to pretend it’s all shocking you could be interested in Ben. In the Bible, didn’t men marry their brother’s wife if something happened and they needed to care for her? Ain’t nothing new under the sun. People need to get over themselves and their judgments.”
Gloria opened the door and BJ’s voice returned to normal. He announced, “Dinner’s on me. What sounds good? And no, we are not eating pizza, Gloria. Forget about it.”
“Hey,” I said, taking the wine glasses into the kitchen. “Maybe dinner can wait.”
“Why?” BJ asked.
“Let’s check out the folks on Vernon Avenue.”
“It’s where Carolyn died, BJ,” Gloria explained, seeing his puzzled expression. “We’ve been there a couple of times trying to see what we could find out.”
“Yeah, cops do what they can, but with the murder rate what it is in this city, they stay on the move,” BJ said.
“Even Michael has been no help, and he’s been keeping tabs for us from the beginning,” Gloria added.
BJ turned off the fire in the fireplace. “So you all tried to conduct business without the third Angel? You know Charlie likes it when the trio works together. Let’s roll.”