part0018

‘Well?’ she demands as I try to tear my eyes away from her fixed stare and realise that I can’t. A vision of my holiday form being ripped into a million pieces swims into view and I hear the distant cackle of the Beccabird laughing hysterically.

‘Um, I just heard a rumour, I can’t remember where,’ I stutter. ‘Knowing me I probably got it all wrong.’ I wave my hands around and give a half-hearted attempt at a laugh.

‘No.’ Em shakes her head. ‘Someone must have told you and I want to know who it was.’

‘So it’s true?’ I say in a pathetic attempt to delay the inevitable.

She sighs heavily. ‘It’s very sensitive information and there are very few people who know about it at this vital stage. The few people that do know definitely shouldn’t be repeating it because if word should leak into the media and the share price is affected…’ She gives a shudder before carrying on. ‘And although there will be an announcement very soon there’s no way that you should have found out about it.’ She glares at me expectantly .

‘I really can’t remember where it was I heard it, it was ages ago.’ I do some more hand flapping as if to prove it was years ago and therefore totally irrelevant.

Em raises an eyebrow.

‘Ages ago? Then it’s even worse than I feared.’

Oh God. As usual I’ve managed to make it even worse, what do I do? I can’t drop Jonathan in it, he could get into serious trouble. I also don’t want Em to know that I know Jonathan, or have to tell her about our history. I can see it all unravelling in front of me and yet again I curse my motor mouth.

‘Look,’ Em says, ‘I’m not blaming you but I do need to know who it was, I also need to know who else you’ve repeated it to.’

‘Oh, I haven’t told anyone,’ I say, almost truthfully.

‘That surprises me, because if you thought it was harmless gossip why wouldn’t you repeat it?’

‘Well,’ I gabble, ‘When I heard it at first I didn’t think it was true because it was just an off the cuff remark that someone made, I didn’t have any details or anything. Then when I thought about it and thought that it might be true I did think that maybe it wasn’t for public consumption so I didn’t repeat it.’

I’m about to add that there are rumours galore flying around the office but think better of it; no point in adding fuel to the flames. See, I can keep my mouth shut.

‘Rebecca…’ Em drums her fingers on my holiday form. ‘…I can understand that you don’t want to get anyone into trouble but I really need a name because it’s not fair that you should have to take the blame for someone else’s indiscretion.’

Is she tapping my form to let me know that my six weeks holiday is hanging in the balance or am I imagining things? It sounds as if I’m definitely going to get blamed if I don’t tell her.

But I’m not a snitch.

‘It was Jonathan Sayers,’ I hear myself say.

Her eyes open a bit wider as she processes the information.

‘I wasn’t aware that you knew Jonathan,’ she states flatly but I know it’s a question and I’m going to have to explain.

Are they an item? Jonathan’s always popping into her office – is it work or something more? If I say I hardly know him he’ll look like a complete blabbermouth.

Why do you even care? questions the Beccabird, wings on hips, beak pursed.

I don’t know; I should use this opportunity to get my own back on him, really stir it up and exaggerate and land him in the shit. But I’m not that sort of person, I can’t help the way I am.

But I don’t care about him anymore I suddenly realise. The hold that he’s had over me for the last seven years has vanished; the fear that I’ll go running back to him and which stopped me from coming back to Frogham is no longer there. It’s totally disappeared and until this moment I hadn’t even noticed. A bubble of happiness fills me and I have a sudden urge to burst out laughing until Em clears her throat to remind me that I haven’t answered her. I’ll have to think about the not caring anymore thing later; for now, I need to get this over with and get out of this office with my six weeks holiday intact.

‘Jonathan and I lived together, a long time ago.’

This time she can’t hide the surprise – or is it shock – from her face.

‘But we hadn’t seen each other for years, seven years actually,’ I go on, ‘And when we bumped into each other he insisted we went out for dinner and that’s when he said about the merger. I think he was just showing off and trying to impress me. And it was two weeks ago, so not that long ago really.’

I can’t tell whether I’ve just made things worse or better. If they are an item he clearly hasn’t told her about me and I’ve just made him look like a cheat but if I tell her Flynn was also there he’ll look like even more of a blabbermouth. Whatever , I decide, I can’t be considering and second-guessing people forever. It’s not my secret to keep and the secret is out now.

I open my mouth and speak before I can change my mind.

‘Well, actually, he didn’t tell me, he told my partner, Flynn, who was also there. It’s him he was aiming to impress, not me.’

Her expression doesn’t change and I decide that Em would be excellent at playing poker.

‘Okay,’ she says eventually, ‘Thank you for telling me. It goes without saying that our conversation goes no further.’

It seems our meeting is over. Now doesn’t seem the right time to ask her if I can still have my holidays, although I’m desperate to know. I un-wedge my backside from the tiny chair and stand up. Somehow I manage to exit the office with a modicum of dignity although I really want to shuffle out backwards, curtseying and scraping the ground and saying how sorry I am.

I power walk back to my desk because if I walk slowly I think my legs might give way. Once safely seated behind the desk I put my head down and work steadily for the rest of the morning, interspersed with a bit of surfing, too scared to even look at or talk to Trina. She keeps looking over trying to catch my eye and just before lunch I resort to firing her an email:

She replies in nanoseconds:

I daren’t risk it, I quickly tap a reply:

Trina: Ooh, intrigued . Mine, wine? Seven o’clock?

Oh, yes please , I reply, and lots of it.

Because I have lots to talk about; not least that my world is now Jonathan free after seven long years.

The rest of the day crawls by in milliseconds – I don’t even go up to the restaurant for lunch because I know that I wouldn’t be able resist telling Trina and I also know that I’d have the bad luck of someone overhearing me blabbing about it – and the someone being the managing director – and I’d end up getting the sack.

I’m also afraid of bumping into Jonathan. Will he know that I’m the one who’s dropped him in it or has he bragged to so many people that he won’t realise it’s me? If I see him the guilt will be written all over my face and no doubt I’ll start gabbling and confessing so I need to avoid him at all costs. I keep a watch on Em’s office door but Jonathan never appears and I wonder what, if anything, will happen to him. Maybe Em will pass it onto Ed to deal with because he’s the same level as Jonathan.

Or if they are an item maybe she’ll keep quiet about it – she knows I’m not going to be telling anyone.

At last, when home time is finally within sight, at four forty-five, just as I thought I’d got away with nothing else going wrong, an email from Em pops into my inbox. I stare at it. I could leave it until tomorrow, put it off – but really, what would be the point? I’d only fret about it all night, wondering what it says. I click on it quickly before I can change my mind.

Well, whatever I was expecting, it wasn’t that.

We’re on our second glass of wine and it’s only seven thirty, although in all fairness I arrived at Trina’s early. Flynn was working late and as he’d pre-warned me that he wouldn’t be home I dispensed with any pretence of cooking a meal and made myself a cheese and pickle sandwich for dinner followed by six chocolate digestives. I wish I hadn’t eaten the biscuits now because Trina has produced some very tasty looking nuts and crispy type things and vegetable rolls which are my absolute favourite but I’m can’t do them justice because I’m full.

Pig, shouts the Beccabird, right on cue, but I ignore her.

‘Six weeks!’ Trina shrieks. ‘She gave you six weeks holiday – in one go?’

‘She did, I couldn’t believe it, I thought she’d make sure Ed refused it after I blabbed my mouth off but she didn’t. I’ve got to be honest, Trina, she’s gone right up in my estimation, I think I might have misjudged her.’

‘Me too,’ agrees Trina. ‘Though to be honest, I can’t really complain about her ‘cos I’ve never had that much to do with her. And the few occasions that I have she’s been okay, not particularly friendly, but nice enough.’ Trina takes a gulp of her wine. ‘More importantly, how am I going to manage with my bestest chum being away for six whole weeks? I’ll go mad with just the youngsters for company!’

I laugh and realise that although I’ve only known Trina for a short time I feel as if we’ve been friends for years and I feel so happy that she thinks the same.

‘I’ll miss you too Trina but you know you have millions of friends, not to mention all the admirers that are queuing up to take you out. Those six weeks will fly by.’

‘I know, but they’re not like you – we get on so well, which is funny considering we’ve not known each other for long. It feels like we’ve been friends for years.’

‘It does.’ I raise my wine glass in a toast, ‘To friendship!’

‘Forever friends.’ Trina raises her glass and we glug back the wine and I realise how lucky I’ve been to find such a good friend – and not just Trina, but Flynn too.

‘What did your mum and dad say when you told them? I bet they were over the moon.’

‘They were, I don’t think they could quite believe it either. I spoke to Mum first and she was shouting to Dad to come to the phone. I could hear him bellowing what’s wrong with you woman in the background but he was thrilled too, although he tried to act all cool. Mum kept saying are you sure? I think she’s frightened I’ve got it all wrong. I said just book the flights Mum and stop worrying. They’re going into the travel agents tomorrow to book them.’

‘When are you going?’

‘Beginning of September, it’s their springtime so should be nice and warm.’

‘I’m so jealous. You’ll have a fab time, especially catching up with your brother after all these years – a trip of a lifetime, you lucky mare!’

‘It is.’ It’s like a dream come true – can it really be that my life is on the right track at long last? I mentally hold the Beccabird’s beak closed before she has a chance to put her two pennorth in and spoil it.

‘You might meet a nice Aussie while you’re there; all hunky and tanned.’

‘You never know.’

‘You don’t – the world is your oyster!’

We chink glasses again; it seems to be a night for toasts.

‘Now…’ Trina puts her glass down on the table. ‘…re the Jonathan situation. Spill. I want all of the details of how you’ve come to your senses and decided that you’re no longer in love with him.’

I shrug. ‘It wasn’t a conscious decision so I can’t take the credit for that and anyway I wasn’t in love with him, I just couldn’t trust myself around him, he can be very persuasive and I’m so weak willed.’

‘Okay, I’ll believe you, thousands wouldn’t. And you’re not weak, you’re just too nice and you see the best in everyone. Although I can see the attraction with Jonathan, he’s very handsome in a seedy sort of way.’

‘Seedy?’ I laugh.

‘Yes, definitely seedy, and trust me, I’m a connoisseur on seediness, can smell a rotter a mile away. Sharp suits and shark-like smiles, circling their next victim to sink all of those razor-like teeth into.’

This is very true; once Jonathan has his teeth into you it’s very difficult to get away. Trina isn’t like me; she doesn’t want a live in, permanent relationship. As she’s said herself, she’s happy to see someone on a regular basis but she doesn’t want to give up her home or independence. She’s just started dating a self-made millionaire builder who’s already head over heels in love with her but she has no intention of moving in with him .

I do want to live with someone; I want to be part of a twosome. I want to share my life with someone and maybe that’s the trouble; I’ve been so desperate that I’d have settled for all of Jonathan’s faults because I knew he’d take me back and treat me like dirt but at least I wouldn’t be on my own. Not anymore though; I’d rather be on my own than settle for Jonathan or a carbon copy of him.

Trina is looking at me and waiting for a reply. I’m doing it again, disappearing down rabbit holes of random thoughts.

‘It was weird,’ I say, ‘There I was, being grilled by Em after having put my size fives in it as usual and I suddenly realised that I didn’t have any feelings for Jonathan at all; no love, no hatred, nothing, complete indifference. I have no more feelings for him than a stranger I’d walk past in the street. I’ve always known exactly what he was like and for some reason I couldn’t get enough of him but now I wonder if I went a bit mental when we broke up. It’s almost as if I had a voice in my head telling me that I couldn’t be trusted around him; that I’d be drawn back to him if I saw him again so I believed it and ran away.’

I did, and still do, have a voice telling me that I couldn’t be trusted around him; the Beccabird, and I can hear her now, ruffling her feathers and harrumping. I know that I’m the Beccabird really but somehow it seems she’s forged a life of her own, I’ve allowed her to live and feed me negative feelings about myself.

Trina is a good friend but I don’t think I can tell her about the Beccabird because I surely would sound completely round the bend; there are limits to any friendship.

‘So in a way you have to thank Em for bringing you to your senses? ’

‘Maybe I do,’ I say thoughtfully. ‘Now I think back I’ve felt like it for a while but until I was put on the spot about landing Jonathan in trouble I didn’t realise.’

Trina picks up her glass again. ‘To new beginnings, and good riddance to seedy rotters!’

‘New beginnings!’

We drain our glasses and Trina pours another glass, emptying the bottle. It’s still early and I foresee a hangover tomorrow but who cares, I have some celebrating to do – no more living in the past, no more Jonathan, plus I have six weeks in Australia with my family to look forward to.

‘Hey, listen to that!’ Trina cocks her head on one side. ‘If that’s not a sign I don’t know what is.’

‘What?’ I look at her in puzzlement.

‘The music,’ she says waving her hand at the CD player. ‘Listen to the words, it’s definitely a sign. I’ll turn it up.’

She presses the remote control and I listen as the volume increases and the music which has been playing quietly in the background since I arrived gets louder. The soulful voice of David Gray, one of Trina’s favourites, fills the room.

Trina is looking at me expectantly and I listen to the words and begin to smile. Oh my God, she’s so right, maybe it is a sign because this is so how I feel about Jonathan now. I look at Trina and she waves her hands as if conducting an orchestra and as the chorus begins, we join voices and belt out the words together.