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I dipped in and out of sleep for the next fourteen hours, the ride absolute hell. I was exhausted from the fight, the lack of sleep, the running, everything. I wanted to read the journal or write in my own, but every time I pulled one of them out and focused on it, I became sick to my stomach. The worst car sickness ever. It was like the journals didn’t want me to look at them. I finally gave up and shoved them deep into my backpack.
Joshua and Rob took turns driving and several of my conversations with my brother were useful in reminding me that I wasn't alone and didn't have to make any sudden decisions where Joshua or anyone else was concerned.
Somehow it didn't seem like Rob was entirely correct in his thinking, but I let it die between us, unable to fight the matter either way. Plus, we hadn’t known each other that long. He’d grown up with Grollics. I, on the other hand, still knew next to nothing. I still thought of them as the enemy, not my family.
"We're almost there," Joshua grumbled, sitting up and stretching in the passenger side seat.
"How can you tell? It’s pitch black out here." I glanced up as a sign read twenty miles to Colorado Springs. "Ah... the sign." I grinned. I’d say blonde moment, but my hair was a dark red, mahogany color and had a feeling the joke would be lost tonight.
"The signs help you guys, but I've memorized this land. Growing up running all over it, it's hard not to. The air is fresher up here and it's chilly. Did you feel the temperature drop?"
"My damn ears keep popping. I feel that," Rob growled softly and reached to turn the heater on. "How is it cold in the middle of spring?"
"We're quite a ways up in the sky. The altitude’s going to mess with you a bit at first, but you'll get used to it." Joshua pointed ahead. "Take the next exit and veer to your right. My folks had a cabin just up the road a while back. They've passed since then, but I bet the place is still there."
"Have you not been back here since living with them?" I glanced over at him and yawned loudly.
"No. My pack likes to be on the move. Ever since your father started to use any and every Grollic he could get his hands on, we've been running. I hate the thought of being a puppet on someone's string, so we simply work hard to never slow down enough to cross paths with him." Joshua shrugged and leaned forward, talking to Rob again. "It's the second road on the left. Take the winding road as far as you can and you'll dead-end into the lake. The house is across the water."
I took in all of the information he shared and realized I needed to give his leadership back to him. He hadn’t asked for it again since the first time and I’d forgotten all about it. Realistically, I didn't want to lead a pack and honestly had no intention of staying too terribly long here. I hadn’t told Rob yet, and definitely not Joshua. The mission I set myself and Rob on was to find the truth. The truth never rested in one place, but moved around very much like a transient wolf pack. Sort of like Joshua.
"I love to fish. Is the lake iced over this time of year?" Rob flipped on the truck’s high beams and slowed down just a little as we took sharp turn after sharp turn.
"No, but it’s cold. Extremely cold. More dangerous than ice. Be careful about getting into it. Freeze your ass off within minutes." Joshua pointed again. "Pull into that empty spot right there by the trees."
The darkness was punctured by the bright light of the large yellow moon which sat high above us. I let my eyes wander around the area in front of us, the trees budding again with life and the water of the lake picking up the rays of the moon. It was serene and beautiful.
"No worries about me getting in the water. I barely can force myself to take a shower. Something about water just gives me the willies." Rob shivered and put the truck in park. "All right kids, are we ready for a long night of sleep?"
I glanced at the clock and yawned again. It was three in the morning and our trip had taken more than twenty-four hours. Being someone that couldn't sleep in the car, I was far more concerned with getting to bed than freezing to death in the shower... or something like that.
The guys got out of the truck and I started to move out on Rob's side, but Joshua called my name.
"Jamie. Come here and let me help you." He reached inside the cab and I was stuck looking like a complete jerk if I didn't take it.
I crawled out and didn’t have the energy to correct him on my name. He pulled me into a tight hug, leaning down and brushing his nose by mine. "I'm sorry for all you've lost, but I promise I'm going to work to replace everything."
"I just need some time. I can't force myself to rush into anything." I pulled from him, hating how miserable I was being seeing that he was being everything any girl in her right mind might want.
"It's okay. Just don't take too long. I've been looking for you for a while." He laughed and slid his hand into mine.
How would I feel if Michael cuddled up to someone? Snuggled against them and held their hand?
Sickness washed over me and I pressed my free hand to my stomach, groaning softly.
"What's up?" Rob walked over and glanced down at my stomach, his amber eyes brighter than they should have been.
"My stomach’s just jacked up." I stopped, tugging my hand from Joshua's as I worked to discern whether or not I needed to throw up. It felt like poison inside of me. A strange thought crossed my mind; could it be because I’d left Michael and given him back his Sioghra? The separation was acting like a poison inside of me. I shook my head. That was impossible. I was a Grollic, not a Hunter.
"Take some deep breaths. It was a long time in the truck and you didn't eat very much." Joshua moved in front of me as my stomach flipped over itself again. “The altitude might be messing with you too.”
"I'm going to be sick." I moved from both of them and jogged toward the lake, the trees opening only wide enough for a small path to run through them.
I made it to the edge of the water before hitting my knees and losing everything inside of my stomach. Tears burned my eyes as my chest contracted tightly. I needed Michael or even Grace. They had both seen me go through things and cared about me no matter what.
Or did.
A sob left me as I brushed my hand across my lips and tried to stand, my legs shaky.
"Hey," Rob whispered, reaching out and helping me up. "You okay?"
"I think so." I wiped at my tears, not ready to appear as weak as I was in front of my brother.
"Just take it slow. You've been through a lot of shit."
"Did you sleep with Grace?" I didn't know where my question came from, but it was out before I could pull it back.
"No. I wanted to, but... "
"But what?" I glanced around, wondering where Joshua was.
"He's getting the boat into the water. We have to take a damn canoe over to the cabin! Don't you know I'm going to fall in and drown? That's just the way my luck works."
"Rob, why didn't you sleep with Grace?" I wanted to hit him for trying but wanted to know the answer.
"Did you want me to?" He laughed and glanced over his shoulder as I growled.
"Answer the question. I need to know."
I half expected him to ask why, but he didn't. "She's not a Grollic."
My jaw dropped as my stomach turned violently again. My brother didn't at all seem the type of guy to care at all what race someone might be. He was rowdy and a rule breaker by all intents and purposes. Her not being a Grollic couldn't be all there was to it.
"What?" I tugged at his sleeve, trying to bring him back to me.
"It's not natural, Jamie. I am what I am and where sex is great, I want a mate."
"And you don't think she could have been that?"
"I know she couldn't. Do you not know anything of our kind?"
"No... I really don't." I crossed my arms over my chest as my legs wobbled beneath me.
Rob reached out and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "This is a conversation for another time when you're not puking your guts out and I'm not facing my greatest fear ever."
"Water?"
"Hell yes, water."
"Can you swim?" I glanced over at him as we walked to the edge of the water. I glanced up as Joshua finished untying the boat, his frame large and muscular. He would be beyond perfect if I hadn't tucked my heart in Michael's Sioghra and left it on the bed for him to find.
"No, but don't say anything. I don't want to look like a wuss." Rob released me and moved to help Joshua as they started to converse about the weather again.
I turned and looked up at the moon, the dark divets in it only adding character to the mystery. Was Michael okay? Was he looking at the moon in Florida?
"I love you," I whispered before swallowing back the hot ball of regret that pushed against my vocal cords.
"Hey, you ready?" Joshua called out. "Come here and I'll help you in."
I walked toward the water and took the hand I was offered. Rob was already sitting on the far end of the canoe that bobbed in the water, the whites of his eyes showing from his own struggle.
Getting in, I sat down and worked hard not to shake the boat as I did.
"You okay?" Joshua grunted as he pushed the boat hard before propelling himself into it.
"Damn... be careful, dude." Rob reached out and grabbed the sides as he looked up with angst on his face.
"Yeah, I'm okay." I glanced back at Joshua and forced a tight smile.
The water was smooth like glass, and beautiful. Where Rob was afraid of the water, something inside of me beckoned me to sink beneath it and just rest. How easy would it be to lean to one side and go under? They would pull me up and I could have a moment of weightlessness. A moment to not feel the pressure or burdens of becoming the greatest monster alive.
Why would going to Bentos leave me anything but that? I was racing toward destiny as if I had no say in it, but I didn't... right?
Staying with Michael was the only other future I could envision and that wasn't going to happen without substantial sacrifice on his behalf. He would lose everything only to gain me. It really didn't seem like too much of a bargain.
"See the house up there? The lights are on, which probably means the pack, or at least some of them have arrived." Joshua worked the rows through the water again, the boat gliding along slowly.
"Are they staying in the house with us?" I looked back again, realizing that I didn't want him staying in the house with me either. He had plans to connect us physically so that our mating would seal the deal. I would be his forever and the chemical composition of my desire for anyone else would melt into nothingness. Could there really be a future where I wasn't madly in love with Michael?
No.
"They'll stay in the other cabins. There are several on the property."
"Where am I staying?" I turned back toward Rob, my voice shaking slightly.
"With me and Rob. There are two rooms in the cabin directly ahead of us. We'll figure it out when we get there." Joshua sounded like an Alpha, his tone strong and commanding.
Good. He doesn't assume that I'm staying in a room with him, because I'm not.
"I'll sleep anywhere. Just hurry this death trap up and get me off of it." Rob turned toward the front of the boat as we reached the other side, his arms trembling subtly as he gripped the railing.
Joshua laughed and moved past me, walking with skill and ease as the boat lulled back and forth. My stomach tightened painfully again and I knew I only had a few minutes before I was going to get sick.
Turning, I pressed my hands to the seat beside me and took in slow, shallow breaths. I could do this. Everything was good. Too much traveling and not enough sleep and I was toast.
I was a moment too late in pulling back as Joshua leapt onto the dock. The boat tilted and due to my positioning, I lost my balance and went head first into the ice water. The cold slammed into me like a brick wall, my breath lost to the pinprick of needles rushing down my exposed skin. The need to vomit resided as the desire to live roared violently to life.
I pressed my foot on the bottom of the lake and kicked hard to propel to the top before I lost all feeling, but my boot got caught in something. Panic spread through me and I kicked again, harder. The sound of someone hitting the water above me caused me to look up. Joshua.
The darkness made it hard to see, but there was no way it was Rob. My poor brother was most likely freaking out on the shore. I pushed my hands against the freezing cold liquid, forcing myself to the bottom so I could work through getting my shoe off. Untangling it wasn't happening.
Strong hands wrapped around my arms and pulled as dizziness washed over me. I needed air. Now. I tugged from him and sunk back down, finally releasing my foot and pushing past him. I burst through the surface of the lake and took a long breath as my lungs burned.
"Rouge! Swim to me. Swim this way, Sis." Rob knelt down at the edge of the dock and reached for me, but I couldn't force my legs to move.
"I can't," I mumbled as numbness swept across me and I began to sink again. Rob screamed something, but I couldn't hear him.
The water covered the top of my head just before I was yanked up by two strong arms and pulled toward the dock. I could hear mumbled voices, but a sense of peace settled over me and I sunk down into it. The shock of the icy water had subsided and a warmth spread through me, though I knew somewhere deep inside of me that it wasn't possible.
"Stay with me, Jamie. Stay with me, baby." Joshua leaned over me as I blinked a few times.
"Come on, Sis." Rob moved in and pulled my hair back as Joshua disappeared. "You got this. Just a little cold water. We'll get you out of these clothes and into something warm. Just a minute okay."
"Start taking her clothes off. She's going to freeze to death in them," Joshua yelled from behind Rob.
"Dude. She's my sister." Rob turned to me and let out a long breath as I tried to move my fingers and got nothing. Fear rushed through me and I let out a soft cry.
"Move." Joshua moved up beside me, shoving Rob away. "Start a lukewarm bath and call me when it's ready. Get everyone out of the bloody house and leave us."
I wanted to tell him not to leave me, to stay with me and help me, but I couldn't formulate words. Tears dripped down my face as Joshua started to tug my t-shirt off of me.
"Don't cry, baby. It's okay. I'll get you warm and then we'll get some rest. It was an accident. Nothing you did wrong. Trust me, okay?" His amber eyes were warm and kind.
I nodded as best I could and let another sob leave me as he stripped me from my shirt and shorts. I tried not to imagine how much he might be enjoying seeing me naked, but each time he looked at me, his eyes remained on mine and his expression kind and loving. Nothing else.
Had I misjudged him altogether? Was he my mate?
He most certainly acted like it.
