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I forced myself to concentrate on breathing and nothing else as my brother rubbed my back over and over. He hadn't spoken to me since we stood in the backyard, but moved to help me inside as soon as I was able. There was no telling how long I had been on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and rocking back and forth, lost to my thoughts.
I knew we needed to leave but I couldn’t drag myself off the couch.
I wanted to spend time thinking through the truth in Bentos’ words about being pregnant. It seemed impossible, but it was something I would have to revisit later. For now the image of Joshua dying in front of me would be the only thing I could see.
Rob walked back outside a moment later and I turned, watching through window as he lifted Joshua's naked body over his shoulder and moved toward the woods. I lay frozen in numbness, knowing that I should go out and help him or say something. I just couldn't force myself to even move.
Bentos had proved his point with such power and force that it was ingrained in me completely. I did belong to him. It was only a matter of time until he found me again or I found him and then all hell would break loose. The power of three was a myth that didn't exist as far as I was concerned. It had been a farce at the fight on the beach and it hadn't presented itself to me since then.
I needed something on my side, a greater power, a stronger entity.
"No, you just need to be more than you are." I closed my eyes and sunk down further into the couch, not caring what my next steps looked like. I had begun somewhere in my mind to plan a life with Joshua, a comfortable one where I could learn who I was and maybe start to fall in love him over time. That was gone and his blood was all over my hands. I had done this. Me.
The memory of the nightmare rolled across my vision; Joshua having shown up and taken care of my wounds without making me feel crazy or asking a million questions. He had been kind and loving, everything I needed from a man in my life. I could almost feel his arms around me, carrying me back to bed and holding me all night in case I became frightened again.
I refused to cry another tear as the wetness rushed to the front of my vision and burned my tired eyes. The only thing that would have been more horrific would have been to catch up to Caleb when I found Michael.
Or maybe that's exactly what I needed.
Caleb would have to kill me and end all of this grief.
I brushed my hand over my stomach as butterflies danced in the pit of it, a rumble reminding me I had to eat, even though nothing sounded good. Having to move from the couch was more than I could force myself to do, but when Rob returned a minute later he didn't leave me an option.
"Have you had anything to eat since getting shoved down in that hole?" He reached down and brushed his fingers over my shoulder.
"No. I don't want anything." I looked at my nails and started to dig the dirt out from underneath them. I wanted a shower, to wash away everything. Just not here. Not in this place.
"I don't care what you want." He pulled me up and grunted softly.
"I'm sorry," I whispered and shuffled as I followed him to the kitchen. There was no need to make his life more difficult by acting like an unruly child with him.
"For what?"
"For everything. For dragging you into this. For killing Joshua in front of you. For being me."
"We can talk about all of that later, Jamie. We need to get out of here before Bentos comes back. There is no way he's done with you."
"What happened when I left?" I opened the fridge, surprised to see it full of food. I worked on putting something together for both of us, the normalcy of simply working on the food helped to calm my nerves.
"Joshua was upset about you leaving so we changed and ran through the forest for a few minutes, but we didn't get very far. Bentos showed up and said very little. He simply forced his power on both of us and we turned around and headed back. I pushed against him one too many times and the last thing I remember was him throwing me against the house. I guess it knocked me out cold."
"He made me kill Joshua," I mumbled and carried the plates to the table. "He forced me to murder someone I cared about in cold blood."
"He took control of you?" Rob took the sandwich, the pity in his eyes leaving me wanting to turn away from him.
"No. He pitted us against each other and said that one of us would live." I picked up my sandwich, adverting my eyes to the table. Shame sat on me like a heavy coat. My love for Michael had destroyed so much in each of our lives and it seemed it would continue to do so.
"I would have fought for my own life too, Rouge. You can't blame yourself for fighting to stay alive. That's ridiculous."
"I guess." There was no way I was telling Rob or anyone about the baby until I was completely sure of the situation. The very notion that a child lay inside of me forced me to save its life in the backyard, not my own.
"I know it's going to take time, but you’ll heal over what happened today."
"What if I don't want to? Wouldn't healing over it make me a monster too? I took his life, Rob. He was supposed to be my mate." I felt the temperature in the room rising and wasn't sure if it was just me. It had to be. Rob looked perfectly calm.
"He believed himself to be your mate, but what did you believe?"
"I don't know." I put the sandwich down and pushed it away, nothing more than a bite taken out of it. "Where did you take his body?"
Rob pushed the sandwich back toward me. "The forest where we all want to go when we die. Eat. Now."
I forced myself to take another bite, my foot brushing against something. I reached down and picked the wolf journal up off the floor. It lay forgotten by both Bentos and I. Staring at it, I wanted to scream. I set it on the table. "I need to get my mind off of what happened today."
"I'll help."
I glanced up at him, the sincerity on his face begging me to let go of the anger inside. "Tell me what you see when you look at this picture."
He took the book from me and yelped, jerking back. Why the book burnt him and not Joshua still left me clueless. I sighed and opened the page, turning it to him.
"Stupid book. I swear it has a curse on it." He leaned over and studied the page. "I guess it's a black butterfly or a heart maybe?"
"Do you see wings?" The image of Bentos moving toward the forest as the dark shadow seemed to welcome him brushed across my memory.
"Yeah. You don't?" He leaned back and picked up the rest of his sandwich, shoving it into his mouth and getting up. "We're getting out of here. I don't care if we stay in a motel or wherever. Anywhere but here. We need to find our mom."
"Your mom," I grunted and stood up.
"Whatever. We're not staying here. We're like sitting ducks waiting for our greatest enemy to come back and throw both of us in the hole out back." He picked up my bag and laid it on the table. "Let's take anything of value with us."
"Are you out of your mind? I'm not taking anything that belongs to him. It's probably cursed like the book."
"You think?" Rob walked to the nearest shelf and took a small ornamental frame in his hand. "Nope. Not burning my flesh off."
"We're not taking anything." I put my stuff in the bag and pulled it over my shoulder. "What car are we supposed to be driving?"
"I have Joshua's truck." Rob pulled the keys out of his pocket and smiled sadly.
I nodded, not able to do much more as I was reminded of snuffing out Joshua’s life. "There are angry Grollics all over this area and I'm not going to be able to fight them off again today. I've already caused a serious uproar just getting this far." What about Joshua’s pack? Their Alpha was now dead. Would they hunt me down too?
"So, what do you propose?" He moved to the door, opening it and waiting for me.
I walked out into the darkness and glanced toward the forest, wishing there was some way I could unwind all that had happened. If I could just give Joshua his life back, everything else could be figured out. His death would haunt the best parts of me forever.
"We drive to another state. Or anywhere. We can check things out here. Supposedly Colorado has more history of our people than any other state." I walked down the stairs at the back of the porch as lights filled up the front yard.
"Someone's coming." Rob pulled at me, forcing me to stop.
I paused and closed my eyes as my finger tightened on the strap of my backpack. The wind picked up around me as the sound of two female voices filled my ears.
Rob and I came to the same conclusion at the same moment. "Grace and Rebekah."
I reached out for my brother, my knees going weak.
He moved in and wrapped an arm around my back, holding me up and glancing down at me with concern. "You okay? What's going on?"
"Just too much. I need to sleep soon." I let out a soft sigh.
"Grace... we're back here." Rob helped me to the side of the house as Grace and Rebekah jogged up to us.
"What happened?" Rebekah reached for me and I jerked back.
"Why the hell did you run off again? I swear you're getting as bad as the goblins. Running away the minute we finally find you again." Grace reached out and touched my shoulder, her expression stern, but words almost too soft.
"Are there really goblins?" Rob asked and moved past them. "If there are, I'm sure they'll be after us next. We can't seem to catch a break."
"Where are you two going?"
Rebekah's voice grated on my nerves. I sighed and followed Rob. I needed to get over myself. She had saved all of us in Miami and I had done nothing but ignore her and respond with hate. Life was too fleeting for my response to the only mother I had.
"We're going to get a hotel. There is no way we're staying here. You guys have met our father... he's not exactly the welcoming kind." Rob snorted and helped me into the SUV Grace and Rebekah had driven up in. "Let's just take your car.”
“Something wrong with the truck?” Grace asked.
Rob gave her a single shake of his head as if telling her to leave it alone. “I'll drive."
Rebekah tossed him the keys and climbed in the back beside me. Grace seemed surprised by her actions, but got in the front and turned to face me.
"Michael's worried about you. We all are." She lifted her eyebrow at me.
"Yeah, he seemed worried." I dropped my head against the seat and let out a shaky breath.
"What happened back there? You're sheet white and shaking," Rebekah asked.
I started to respond, but Rob saved me from having to.
"When you guys left, Bentos showed up and knocked me out. He forced Joshua to attack Jamie and she had no choice but to kill him."
I turned my face toward the window as devastation tore up my insides, the sound of his explanation so simple. It wasn't simple at all. I had been forced to do the unthinkable and some part of me harbored the guilt of knowing it was a choice. If there was no child inside me and Joshua's death was for not, I would unleash hell on earth, not caring who was in my path. The darkness bubbled inside of me at the thought.
Closer.
"Shut up," I whispered harshly, realizing that I had spoken my words aloud. I turned and lifted my hands. "Sorry. I didn't say that to you guys."
"Who were you talking to then?" Rebekah turned to me, her voice soft and motherly.
I was too far past tired to sling anything constructively hateful toward her. "The voice in my head." I shrugged and leaned back.
"The one in your head or the one in your book?" She nodded toward the backpack tucked between my legs.
"How do you know about the book?" I stiffened, concern forcing me to wonder if she had plans of taking it from me. I would imagine it to be relatively useless to her as it was to Caleb. The language of the wolves would turn anyone away, having them believe the words to be nothing more than a child's doodles.
"I know quite a bit from my time studying Bentos and his people." She leaned back and brushed her hands over her arms before hugging herself tightly. "After I got free from him, Rob and I lived undisturbed for a while, but he found me again. He always did."
The desire to reach over and offer her comfort sat heavy on me, but I forced myself not to. I didn't need to have anyone else in my life that I cared for. It just caused more danger for them and more concern for me. Everyone was a sitting duck for Bentos' twisted desires to force me into his master plan.
"And then he murdered her." Rob spoke from the front seat.
Rebekah leaned forward and rubbed his shoulder. "I woke shortly thereafter, shocked that I was a Hunter. I never knew. I found Caleb and he trained me... I never met Sarah.” She pressed her lips tight.
"Why didn't you come find Rob again?" I wanted to ask about myself, but it was too much of an emotionally charged conversation for the mood I was in.
"Because the threat of having your father use Rob against me was too great. If he could bend my will and have me join his side simply by threatening to take you or your brother from me... I would be his in a split second."
"So you forced everyone you loved out of your life so that he wouldn't have any leverage against you?" I asked, turning to study her a little more. She was stunning, far prettier than I would ever be.
"I did. It was the hardest ten years of my life. The second hardest thing I ever did." She reached up and brushed a tear from her cheek.
I turned away. I didn't want to feel anything for her, couldn't.
"What was the first hardest, mom?" Rob asked and pulled off into a large parking lot.
I knew the answer before she gave it, the words forcing me to soften in ways I knew would damn me later.
"The day I let your sister go."
