Leah turned her back so Kyle couldn’t see her face scrunch up as the hot stabbing inside her sent needles radiating through her. If only she’d taken that supplement earlier, it would have reduced some of the aching. That needed to be taken after a meal, though, and she hadn’t eaten since lunchtime. One of the herbal blends she made for the shop helped to lessen her discomfort. She’d drink some of that, but what could she offer Kyle?
She forced herself not to wince as she pushed out words. “I have a mixture of calming herbs for tea, if you’d like that?”
“That would be fine.”
He sounded less than enthusiastic, but she didn’t offer any other options. She had to have her own tea as soon as possible. She also needed to get away from him and into the kitchen.
Biting back groans, she limped down the aisle as quickly as she could, lifted the lid of one of the jars, measured out a precise amount of the herbal blend, and staggered into the kitchen. She turned on the gas lamp, then leaned over and pressed her stomach hard against the sink edge as she filled the kettle. After she put the kettle on the burner of the propane stove, she went into the living room to curl up around some pillows. A hot water bottle usually helped, but she’d wait until Kyle left to huddle up with its soothing warmth.
When the water was ready, she made herself a cup and took a few sips before turning out the lamp and carrying the two mugs out to the store, where Kyle was prowling the aisles. She hoped the sips of tea would give her enough relief to carry on a conversation.
Kyle settled on a stack of boxes and studied her intently while he sipped his tea. His eyebrows rose, and he took another drink. “Hey, this is pretty good.”
Leah pushed her lips into a semblance of a smile. “Thanks. I’m hoping to sell that calming blend in the store.”
“It tastes good, but I’ll let you know if it works.”
“My friend Ada said it did, but I’d be glad for other opinions.” Especially his. If he liked it, after how critical he’d been of her other herbal remedies, she’d know it was good enough to sell in the store.
“I promise to be honest.”
No doubt he would be. He certainly hadn’t shied away from expressing his opinion on any of her other herbal concoctions.
“I can’t believe how cold it is outside,” Kyle said. “I really appreciate the tea and the chance to thaw out. Why don’t you sit down too?”
Leah started toward the stack of boxes he’d indicated near him. Partway there, her insides felt as if they were being attacked by a pickax. All she wanted to do was hunch into a ball and moan. Her eyes welled with tears, and she turned to hide them from Kyle. Leaning against the counter, she pretended to look for a pen.
To defend herself against his intense stare, Leah forced out an explanation between the attacks inside her body. “I need to…write down…the amount I took…from the jar. We deduct personal use…from inventory.” The jabbing decreased slightly, but her eyes filmed over again as she jotted down the amount on the tablet near the register.
“Look at me,” Kyle commanded.
When she ignored him, he stood and stepped around the edge of the counter until he could see her face. Leah ducked her head and concentrated on forming numbers despite the pain shooting through her.
Putting a gentle finger under her chin, Kyle tilted her face up until he looked directly into her eyes. “Are those tears? You’re hurting. I can see it in your face.”
Leah tried to turn away, but he cupped her face in his hands and continued to examine her. “Where does it hurt? Did you pull something when you lifted those heavy boxes?”
“No, no.” She couldn’t explain to a man, an Englischer, no less, about her severe cramps. The very thought made her cheeks burn.
“You’re flushed too,” Kyle said. “Do you have a fever?” He laid his hand against her forehead.
“No, please,” Leah begged, unsure whether she wanted him to remove his hand or continue touching her. Ben had never touched her like this. Their hands had brushed from time to time, and once he’d helped her down from the wagon so she’d avoid a large muddy spot, but Kyle’s gentle fingers created strange sensations that zinged through her, making her pulse gallop. Could he hear her thumping heartbeat? She had to get away before she did something foolish.
With a quick jerk, Leah untangled herself from his fingers, but the warmth and tingling he’d started continued even after she stepped back. “Do you…um, want another cup of tea?” Making one would allow her to flee to the kitchen.
“I haven’t finished the one I have.”
Leah moved even farther away, though part of her longed to step closer. “I want another cup.” She picked up her partly filled teacup and lurched toward the kitchen, hoping he wouldn’t notice her unsteady gait.
Feeling her way around in the dark, she added some warm water from the kettle to her cup and walked back out to the store, where Kyle stood by the shelves of glass jars. If he figured out which one she’d used, he’d realize why she was in pain.
* * *
Kyle started. He hadn’t heard Leah come into the shop. Tearing his gaze from the glass jars on the lower shelf, he pretended to study the array of vitamins at eye level. That reminded him. He still had Esther’s list stuffed in his pocket.
“Would it be all right for me to get the things Esther needs?” He hoped the question would distract her from what he’d been doing.
“I’ve already closed out the cash register for today, but if they’re putting it on their bill, I can record it as a sale for tomorrow.”
“Yes, Esther said it’s to go on their personal account.”
Leah headed to the aisle where he was standing, her gait steadier than it had been when she’d walked away. Maybe the tea did help. He planned to look up the effects of some of the ingredients when he had a chance. Mentally, he went over the long list. Black cohosh, raspberry leaf, burdock root, slippery elm…
“Maybe I can help you find things more quickly.” Leah almost brushed his elbow as she reached for the list.
With her standing so near, the rest of the ingredients disappeared from his mind. He forced himself to repeat the name of the tea to control his racing pulse. Female Disorders. The name had confirmed his suspicions. Now he had to find a way to talk to her about her problems without making her uncomfortable.
She stretched past him to take a vitamin bottle from the shelf, and her sleeve whispered past his face, setting off a cascade of emotions—a longing for closeness, for caring, for a loving relationship. Why did this woman who made him so irritated raise those desires? Perhaps his subconscious mind was confusing her with Emma. Kyle shook his head. No, every cell in his body recognized this was Leah.
“Are you sure?” Leah asked. “This is the kind the Hesses usually buy.”
“What?” Confused, Kyle looked at her. A big mistake. He drowned in those blue eyes. The smoky shadows between the shelves made the space feel intimate.
She broke their intense gaze but appeared flustered. “You shook your head, so I thought you disagreed with my choice.”
Shook my head? Oh, I was trying to clear thoughts of you. He tried to put together a coherent response. “No, give her whatever kind you think is best.”
Leah gave him a questioning look, and he schooled his face into a neutral expression, but he couldn’t control his reactions to her nearness. He relaxed a little when she moved to a different aisle. He longed to follow her, but that would be a mistake.
Using the large metal reflector at the front of the store, he followed her progress down the next aisle. As soon as she turned the corner and thought she was out of his sight, she winced. Several times she squeezed her eyes shut and leaned her forehead against the shelf. She must have incredible stamina, if she was suffering from what he believed she had.
Clenching her fists, she resumed hunting for products. Several times she disappeared from view when she moved down aisles the light didn’t illuminate. How did she manage to find things when she could barely see?
After she emerged from the last aisle, she headed for the counter. “I’ll ring this up tomorrow, but let me calculate a total for Esther.” She jotted prices beside the items on Esther’s list, then she punched numbers into the small battery-powered adding machine.
She sucked in her lower lip and clamped her teeth down on it. As much as he’d like to stay, he needed to let her rest.
Leah scribbled the product names next to the prices on the adding machine tape. Then she recorded the total on Esther’s list and handed it to Kyle along with the bag.
“Thank you,” he said. Now that he had the package, what excuse could he make to stay? To talk to her about her health?
Leah turned her back to reach for the lantern she’d hung overhead. Her signal it was time for him to exit?
A tiny whimper alerted him. Because she’d hunched over, the light was now out of her reach.
He set his bag on one of the stacks of boxes. “Let me help.” He hurried over and lifted the hook of the light to remove it from the ceiling. Instead of handing it to her, he set it on the counter and took her hands. “You don’t have to pretend with me. I’ve been studying medicine for years.”
Leah dipped her head, trying to hide her face. He longed to lift her chin again but restrained himself. If he did, he worried he might do something he’d regret. Instead he ran his fingers lightly over the back of her hands, intending to soothe her, but the softness of her skin combined with the darkness of the store made it hard to concentrate.
“I’m concerned about you. You’re in a lot of pain, although you’ve done a good job of pretending otherwise. Do you have this much pain every month?”
She hung her head even lower and mumbled, “Usually.”
“You don’t need to be embarrassed around me. Pretend I’m your doctor. Do you ever faint?”
Keeping her head down, she answered in a barely audible voice, “Only once or twice.”
“Do you get tired or nauseous?”
Her startled gaze flew to his face, then immediately she ducked her head. “Sometimes, but how did you know?”
As he ran down the list of symptoms, his certainty increased. “Leah, please look at me.” When she didn’t respond, he said, “Please?”
She lifted pain-glazed eyes, and when they stared at each other, Kyle realized he’d made a mistake. She appeared as mesmerized as he felt. Maybe it was the intimacy of being alone in the shadows with only the small circle of light surrounding them, spotlighting them. Maybe it was holding her small, soft hands trembling in his. Maybe it was his foolish heart longing for connection. But he never wanted to let go.
Outside, a horse’s hooves clattered into the parking lot. Leah jumped, but Kyle didn’t let go of her hands. He needed to tell her something. Something important.
Act professional. He steeled himself against the urge to pull her into his arms. “This is only a preliminary diagnosis, but I think you should be checked for endometriosis.”
“What?” Leah jerked her hands from his as heavy boots clomped along the sidewalk outside.
“From your symptoms, I’m concerned you may have endometriosis. Your pain may be a symptom of that.”
She stared at him. “Are you sure?”
“As sure as I can be without an extensive checkup. Will you please make an appointment?”
The door banged open, sending the bells into a jangled frenzy that matched Kyle’s nerves.
“Promise me,” he said.
But she’d turned toward the door, and her face blanched.
* * *
“Ben! What are you doing here this time of night?” The shock in her voice made her sound less than welcoming. Leah corrected her mistake. “I’m glad to see you.”
Kyle backed away from her as Ben approached, fire in his eyes. “I’ll just get Dr. Hess’s bag and go,” Kyle said. “Thank you for getting these items for them.”
Ben’s narrowed gaze followed Kyle’s rapid stride to the stack of boxes holding the bag. Ben blew out a breath when the door closed behind the Englischer.
Dizziness overtook Leah. Between the severe cramps, Ben’s sudden arrival and clenched jaw, Kyle’s diagnosis and his departure…
She plopped down on the nearest pile of boxes and put her head in her hands until the nausea and swirling grayness subsided. Then, clutching the edges of the box until her fingers hurt, she eased her eyes open. The world still whirled around her. All she wanted to do was curl up in bed with a hot water bottle. She’d expended so much energy trying to act normal around Kyle that she had little left. And his suggested diagnosis had been a bombshell. But she couldn’t exactly ask Ben to leave, considering the way they left things.
Ben stood with his back to her, clutching his suspenders the way he did when he was agitated, watching Kyle pull out of the parking lot. He didn’t turn around until the car turned onto the highway and the growl of the engine faded into the distance.
Her nausea increased when he whirled around, his face set in angry lines.
“Do you often open the store for customers during the evening?” In contrast to his irate expression, Ben’s tone remained deadly calm.
Leah shook her head, sending colored dots dancing before her eyes. “Not usually. Once or twice during emergencies.”
“You considered this an emergency?” Ben’s gaze drilled into her as he waited for an answer.
“No, of course not. Under the circumstances, though…”
“What circumstances were those?”
Leah rubbed her temples. Could she plead a headache and escape up to bed? She didn’t want to explain about the missed delivery. Heat rushed into her face as she recalled accusing Kyle of stealing the boxes. After that, he’d not only helped her unload all of them, but he’d cared enough to notice her symptoms and offer a diagnosis. He’d placed his hand on her forehead so gently…
Ben cleared his throat.
Leah jumped. She’d forgotten Ben. Again. This time when he was right in the room with her. What had he asked? Something about circumstances? “I’m exhausted tonight. It’s been a long day. Could we talk about it later?”
“You didn’t look tired when he was here.”
“I had to take care of a customer.”
Ben’s face fell. “You’re not too tired to take care of a customer, but you’re too tired to spend time with me. With everything that’s happened recently, I’m beginning to wonder if you want to spend time with me at all.”
“Oh, Ben, that’s not true.”
“I don’t know about that. Two missed dates were bad enough, but then I saw how you looked at him.” He gestured toward the door, indicating he meant Kyle.
“How?” Nervous? Shell-shocked?
Ben’s steady stare indicated he’d interpreted the look quite differently.
Leah crossed her arms. “What are you implying?” Her sharp tone didn’t quite cover the guilty note in her voice.
“I’m not blind, Leah. And he seemed as reluctant to let go of you as you were to disentangle yourself from his arms.”
“That isn’t true.” Was it? They’d both been startled and…
Ben only gazed at her with sad eyes. “I understand he’s here because he’s going to be replacing Dr. Hess.”
News traveled fast in the Amish community. “Yes, he is.”
“I also heard he’s only here for three days. In those three days you missed two dates with me. Now I come here at night to find you alone with him in the shop, close together. Touching even.” Ben closed his eyes and rubbed his fingers over them as if trying to erase the image.
“You’re misinterpreting something completely innocent.” Leah hoped she didn’t sound as defensive as she felt. “Besides, Kyle is an Englischer. I’d never fall for someone who isn’t Amish.”
A muscle in Ben’s jaw quivered. “I should hope not.”
Leah had never been attracted to Englischers. Ever.
Until now? her conscience whispered.
She shook her head. Of course not. This was ridiculous. By dating Ben, she’d committed to possibly marrying him someday, a commitment she took seriously. Perhaps she should reassure him of her loyalty.
Before she could say anything, Ben hung his head. “I’m sorry, Leah. I’ve been struggling with jealousy, and seeing you with the Englischer, seeing him hold you…” He shook his head. “It added to my worries that I’m not a priority in your life. Tending the store, being a midwife, and studying take up so much of your time it seems there’s none left for me.”
“Oh, Ben, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you weren’t an important part of my life. It’s just that I have so many responsibilities right now.”
“I understand.” But the stiffness of his posture, that muscle still working in his jaw revealed a different story. “What I don’t understand, though, is why you weren’t here yesterday when I arrived.”
“I got a call from the Fishers. They needed me because Sharon wasn’t answering her phone.” She wanted to add she’d already explained that in her note today but didn’t want to sound defensive.
“And you couldn’t have left me a note explaining where you went? How long you expected to be gone?” The hurt underlying Ben’s words only increased her shame.
“I’m so sorry, Ben. It’s no excuse, but when I thought a baby might die, I rushed off.” Leah clenched her hands in her lap to prevent herself from reaching out and running a soothing hand over his white-knuckled fists. As a healer and a midwife, she had a tendency to touch people. A tendency that had shocked Ben during their first months of dating. He’d discussed her forwardness once, and Leah had worked to keep her natural touchiness hidden when they were together. Kyle seemed to have similar tendencies. He’d reached out several times tonight. She shouldn’t misread his touches. He’d meant to be reassuring, but the warmth of his fingers remained imprinted on her skin. She forced herself to tune back in to what Ben was saying.
“I understand you had an emergency then.” His words didn’t sound quite convincing. “But what about earlier today? You knew I was coming back this afternoon to talk.”
Leah bit her lip and averted her eyes. Silence stretched between them as Ben waited for an answer. She couldn’t tell him, in her excitement to learn more about breech deliveries, that meeting him had taken second place. “I left you a note.”
“But I drove all the way over here, only to be disappointed again.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t have any way to let you know. Can I do something to make it up to you?” Her gaze strayed to all the boxes piled up beside the counter. She wished he’d propose a date later in the week so she could go to bed. The stabbing inside had dulled to a continuous ache, as if a hand were squeezing her insides.
She bit back a sigh when Ben suggested they spend the rest of the evening together. “Would it be all right if I unpack—” She broke off at the hurt in Ben’s eyes. He needed and wanted her undivided attention. She’d have to come down to the store at four or five tomorrow morning to get everything counted and shelved. She hoped Ben wouldn’t stay too late. She still needed to catch up on her sleep.
After Ben had stayed an hour, Leah couldn’t stop yawning. She tried to swallow her yawns, then hide them behind her hand, but he noticed.
“I guess all my talk about cows and milking is boring you.”
“Not at all. I’m only a bit overtired.”
“I know. I worry about you. You shouldn’t be doing the midwifing and trying to care for the shop.”
They’d had this discussion before, and Ben’s solution to her dilemma was for her to give up her dream of being a midwife. Leah was much too tired to argue tonight, so she clamped her mouth shut as Ben pointed out the various reasons why becoming a midwife wasn’t practical.
“The main reason, though, is that it’s rather foolish to train for a career.”
Why? Leah longed to retort, but Ben had made it clear his wife would not work outside the home. Not even before they had children.
Ben stopped speaking and stared at her. “I’d like to think we’re finally seeing eye-to-eye on this topic, but I suspect you really are tired. You haven’t argued with anything I’ve said.”
“It’s been a long week. Maybe we could spend some time together over the weekend.”
“Shall I pick you up for the hymn sing on Sunday evening?”
“That sounds wunderbar.” Even if Sharon called about a delivery, she’d turn it down. And Kyle would be gone by then, although that was no guarantee he wouldn’t be taking over her thoughts.
With a grateful heart, Leah locked the shop door and turned out the lantern after Ben left. Spending time with him had driven the crippling cramps from her mind, or maybe the tea had taken effect. The pain had been almost manageable for the past hour or so. As soon as he walked out the door, though, the spasms returned with a vengeance. With a moan, she closed the kitchen door behind her before she heated the kettle to fill a hot water bottle.
Too late she realized she’d left the lantern in the shop. Used to finding her way in the dark, she climbed the stairs to bed without a light. Hugging the hot water bottle to her, she fell into a restless sleep, dreaming about a man who wasn’t Ben.