SCENE 3

Wheeler and Paul get dressed in a locker room after squash.

WHEELER: “I am making a promise and you need to listen to me. I promise I’ll hurt you.”

PAUL: She said that? What is that? It’s like the Curse of the Pharaohs.

WHEELER: Paul, she’s so fantastic, she’s dark and funny and smart, and she sees through all the phony bullshit, she completely ruined Barry Lyndon for me. And the sex— We don’t talk about sex, right? You and me.

PAUL: Are we going to talk about sex? Let me put some pants on.

WHEELER: I won’t be graphic.

PAUL: I’ve been married twenty-six years, I’m begging for graphic.

WHEELER: I felt changed. I was changed by the sex.

PAUL: Your success with women baffles me. You made them watch Barry Lyndon and you still got laid, how do you get away with that? And how are you still beating me at squash, you need a hip replacement. It’s humiliating.

WHEELER: I feel pretty sick about Jules.

PAUL: Sure. Not sick enough to not fuck the twenty-year-old Vietnamese rockabilly girl, but what’re you gonna do?

WHEELER: What am I gonna do?

PAUL: What. Are you asking for my advice?

WHEELER: Yeah. You’re my friend.

PAUL: You’ve never asked my advice before.

WHEELER: I never needed it before.

PAUL: Debatable. What are you asking about, specifically?

WHEELER: I know what a great lady Jules is, I’m not a fool.

But Minnie provokes something protective in me. I have thoughts. About the future.

PAUL: A potential future with the twenty-year-old rockabilly girl.

WHEELER: Pregnant rockabilly girl. The baby is a factor.

PAUL: It is? You want to have a baby?

WHEELER: I might. Paul, I may be in love.

(Paul thinks.)

PAUL: My advice is: You’re going to do what you’re going to do.

WHEELER (Pause): Wait, that’s your advice? That’s not advice.

PAUL: It is. That’s my advice. “You’re going to do what you’re going to do.”

WHEELER: That’s a prediction. That’s not even a prediction, of course I’m going to do what I’m going to do.

PAUL: Exactly.

WHEELER: I can’t do anything other than what I’m going to do.

PAUL: Right.

WHEELER: So how is that advice?

PAUL: It’s the best advice. It’s the truth.

WHEELER: It can’t be anything but the truth. But what it doesn’t tell me is what I should do.

PAUL: What difference does that make?

WHEELER: Huh?

PAUL: What you should do has nothing to do with what you will do.

WHEELER: Shouldn’t it?

PAUL: Probably.

WHEELER: Walk me through it.

PAUL: Let’s say what you should do is find some way to help Minnie with her problems and move her out of your apartment. Ask Jules to marry you and live happily ever after.

WHEELER: This is a hypothetical.

PAUL: Yeah, I’m not saying that’s what you should do. I’m saying let’s say I say that’s what you should do. Does that mean that’s what you’re going to do? No. Because you’re going to do what you’re going to do. That’s what I’m saying.

WHEELER: But what should I do?

PAUL: It doesn’t matter.

WHEELER: How can you say it doesn’t matter?! That’s all that matters!

PAUL: No, it isn’t. No, it isn’t. In fact, the only thing that matters is what you’re going to do. Because that’s what you’re going to do. (Beat) Helpful?

WHEELER: No, it’s not helpful. At all. It’s really unhelpful. It’s like saying . . . it’s like not saying anything! You didn’t say anything!

PAUL: I said the truth.

WHEELER: You think I should marry Jules.

PAUL: I didn’t say that.

WHEELER: But that’s what you think.

PAUL: I do not think that.

WHEELER: You don’t think I should marry Jules.

PAUL: I don’t think that either. I think that if you marry Jules, then that’s the thing you will have done.

(Wheeler is speechless.)

Margaret and I went out with some friends the other night.

WHEELER: Are you changing the subject?

PAUL: Not really, just a different approach. Maybe I am. I don’t know. Just listen: So Margaret and I went out with friends the other night, married couple, about our age.

WHEELER: Do I know these people?

PAUL: No, no, these are . . . legitimate people. And the subject turned to marriage and . . . marriage. How hard it is, marriage, what a rotten deal, it’s for suckers, right, all that jazz. Then the guy reached over and took his wife’s hand and said, “Y’know, even though marriage is so hard and has its ups and downs,” blah-blah, “all in all, on the balance, on the whole, I can’t imagine my life without her and it’s been great . . .” I don’t remember it all but, “It was worth it.” He said that, “It’s been worth it.” And I looked at Margaret. And it was a poignant moment really, because I looked at Margaret and I couldn’t say it. And Margaret couldn’t say it either. Cause—and this is unspoken and will always remain unspoken—all in all, on the balance, on the whole, it’s maybe not worth it. Maybe it’s just really not worth it.

(Pause. Wheeler stares at him.)

You’ve been married. Do you disagree?

WHEELER: My marriage is past tense. My marriage wasn’t worth it.

PAUL: I’m happily married, present tense, and I’m telling you it’s not worth it. And I really am happily married. I love my wife. I love her and respect her and I don’t want to give the impression that I live in regret because I don’t. I did what I was going to do. But I can’t say what I should have done. Because I don’t know.

WHEELER: Okay. I follow you.

PAUL: Gun to her head, Margaret would say the same thing.

WHEELER: Yeah. Y’know, when people are actually holding a gun to your head, I don’t think they ask questions like that, like, “Was it worth it, marrying Paul?”

PAUL: No, right, usually it’s more like, “Where’s the safe?”

WHEELER: “Get your fucking ass back in that walk-in freezer.”

(They resume getting dressed.)

But now. As we advance into our dotage . . . ?

PAUL: Is it a comfort to have someone with me? For illness and the death of parents and the inevitable tightening of our social circle? Is it a comfort? Of course. But you’re a smart guy, Wheeler, you know there’s a price to pay for living your life the way you do. There’s also a price to pay for living life the way I do. Nobody gets out of this for free.

WHEELER: But when you’re on your deathbed, you’ll have Margaret to—

PAUL: I have had it with the deathbed. We burn a lot of fuel thinking about the deathbed. How long do you plan to spend on your deathbed? A day, a week? Maybe a couple months, at most. You got a whole lifetime before you get to the deathbed. Maybe live your life the way you want and just accept that the deathbed is not going to be the high point. You’re all alone on your deathbed? Cheer up, you’re about to die.

(Pause.)

WHEELER: So you’re saying don’t marry Jules.

PAUL: I’m saying . . .

WHEELER: I’m going to do what I’m going to do.

PAUL: Grab whatever happiness you can. Whether it’s a day or a week. You don’t know what’s gonna happen. You’ll fuck it up, whatever you do. Maybe Minnie promised she’d hurt you because she’s smart enough to know it’s all gonna get fucked up regardless. Cause no matter what you do, we’ll all be on the deathbed eventually, whether we have company or not.

Don’t tell my wife about this conversation.