Chapter Ten

Hannah

Today is amazing. It’s gotten cold, but not too bad yet. The sun is shining, there’s no snow, and my brisk walk across campus to Prometheus keeps me warm enough. I feel great. Better than great. Fantastic. Because I’ve finally decided today is the day I quit crushing on Ben and actually do something about it.

I had a test this week, so I haven’t talked to him much since he cut out of my room last Friday night. We’ve texted a little about A Confederacy of Dunces, but nothing big.

Jasmine and I have been talking it over all week, and she’s convinced I need to make the first move. As she puts it, “Bookstore Boy has probably been turned down by girls all his life. He’s never going to man up.”

So I’m manning up. I’m going to get a new book, and then I’m going to ask him to hang out with me tonight, and before the night is out, I’m going to kiss him. It feels so sublimely right that I’m not even nervous. Once we’re in the moment, he’ll want me as much as I want him— After all, he already did, right? We were halfway there last week. I just need to nudge him the other half.

I turn onto Clark Street just in time to see Ben cross it and disappear into Coffee Oasis. I call out his name, but he doesn’t hear me. It’s fine. I’ll catch him there and then go back to work with him when his break is over. We can talk then.

As I approach Coffee Oasis, I can see him through the plate glass window handing a present—a small, square, present—across the counter to Alex. It looks suspiciously like a jewelry box. Then Alex peels off the paper, and my heart sinks— That’s exactly what it is.

Ben gave her jewelry, and judging from the way Alex’s eyes go wide when she opens the box, it’s really nice, expensive jewelry. Not the kind of present you’d give to a friend. Now that I’m paying attention, he looks different talking to Alex— It hits me like a hammer. This is what Ben looks like when he’s flirting, when he’s into a girl. And he’s never looked at me like that.

My stomach twists. I’ve been so stupid. There was a reason he didn’t kiss me last week, and it wasn’t because he’s too shy to make the first move. He just wanted to be kissing Alex.

I don’t know how I missed it, the way he smiles at her and how his gaze follows every move she makes. Heat flushes my face, and my eyes sting. How could he string me along like that? Maybe he didn’t make a move, but we have something. Had something. Sean said he wouldn’t have ended up there with me if he didn’t want to be there. It wasn’t all in my head— There was a moment when we almost kissed.

So what the fuck?

On the other side of the glass, it gets worse. Alex digs through her bag and produces a flyer before passing it across to Ben. He’s smiling and nodding. It doesn’t matter what I was planning tonight, because now he has plans with her.

I’m too numb to even notice he’s leaving the shop until he emerges onto the sidewalk, blinking at me. “Hey, Hannah. What’s up?”

“What’s up?” I echo.

His eyes widen, and he takes half a step back, like he’s been caught at something. “Is everything okay?”

I step forward, throwing my arms wide. “You tell me. What’s been going on here? Because I thought I knew, but it looks like I’m really wrong.”

“What do you mean?”

“You and me.”

“We’re friends,” he says, his voice turning defensive. I was hanging on by a thread, but his words—that word—pushes me over the edge. I don’t want to cry in front of him, but tears roll down my cheeks, and I can’t hold them back.

“Friends,” I scoff. “What almost happened last week in my room was not something friends do.”

His eyes cut away. He shifts uncomfortably and rubs the back of his neck. “Look, Hannah, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but I’m really into Alex. I have been since before I met you.”

Every word lands like a punch to the gut. How am I still standing upright? “Since before you met me? That was months ago. You’ve had this thing for her, but you’ve been spending all your time with me?”

“It’s complicated,” he protests.

“Oh, it’s complicated? It didn’t seem very complicated to me, but I guess that’s because you didn’t tell me everything.”

His face flames. “I’m sorry if you’ve developed feelings for me. Maybe it’s just because I’m older than you and—”

“Oh, don’t pull that bullshit on me! I’m a freshman, not some little kid.”

“You’re on a different planet,” he says. “Let’s face it. We’re in really different places in our lives. What do we even have in common besides a few books we read together?”

What do we have in common? I thought we had everything in common. All those nights we spent talking—and not just about the books—meant so much to me. But maybe Ben was just humoring the poor girl who doesn’t read. What was this to him? Some fun distraction while he mustered up the courage to go after the girl he really wanted? Every time he picked out a book for me, it felt special, personal. Maybe he was just doing his job.

In science, boys have always written me off because I look so young. I really thought Ben was different, but I guess not. I thought we’d been building something great together, but apparently, I’ve just been an annoying little girl tagging along after him. Well, that’s done.

“Whatever. Think of me as a kid if it makes you feel like less of a coward.”

His eyes light up with anger. “A coward? Where do you get that?”

“Hiding behind this friendship with me when the whole time you really wanted someone else.”

“And you’re so brave, huh?” he snaps. “Have you told your dad about chemistry yet?”

I reel back. I shared all my insecurities about school with him because I thought we were friends, because I thought we might be more—not so he could throw it back in my face. But I was as wrong about that as I have been about everything else. “Have you told your dad about grad school?” I snap back.

His jaw works as he grinds his teeth together.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so. You know what? Forget it. I was obviously wrong about everything.”

He raises a hand half-heartedly. “Hannah—”

“Good luck, Ben.” I gesture to Alex making a latte inside, oblivious to all this drama. “With everything.”

Then I turn and run. He calls my name, but I don’t stop. Not until I’m out of downtown, back across the bridge, across campus, and in my dorm room. Then I fall across my bed and cry until there’s nothing left.