Chapter Twenty-Two

Hannah

Now that Ben and I have taken this major step, all I want to do is stay in bed with him. Everything was so perfect—not just the sex, although that part was great—but the touching and words and I love yous felt amazing. Leaving his side even for a minute is hard, but we promised we’d do this. You jump; I jump.

So I take the bus back to Cleveland first thing Saturday morning. It’s two hours by car but four by bus with all the stops, so it’s noon before I get home. Dad’s not there. I’m not surprised. When he’s deep into the critical stages of a project, he often works on the weekends to obsess over data.

I’ll go crazy sitting around the house, waiting for him to get home— Mom’s face looks at me from a dozen pictures, compounding my guilt. So I take the city bus out to the Park Pharmaceuticals facility to see him, like I’ve done since I was old enough to ride the bus alone.

The Park building is quiet on a Saturday. There are a handful of people working because they’re on a deadline, or the experiment is too critical to be left for the weekend, or they’re obsessed workaholics like my dad. The empty labs I pass are familiar and weirdly comforting. Other girls went to Girl Scouts; I hung out at Park and mixed simple compounds while my dad worked. I practically grew up in this place.

I find him alone in his lab, of course. He’s got three computer displays across his desk, all lit up with rows and rows of complex data. Next to that is an array of glass beakers in metal holders and several trays of samples. The sight is so familiar, so comforting, that my throat closes up. I wish I could undo whatever’s happened inside of me. I wish I could love it as much as he does. Our whole relationship has developed in labs like this. If I walk away, what will come next?

The door thumps closed behind me, and Dad glances up. His eyes light up behind his glasses.

“Surprise,” I say, with a weak wave.

“Hannah! What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I just thought I’d come home for the weekend and surprise you. Is that okay?”

He hesitates for just a second, his eyes flicking over me, like he can sense my distress. But he smiles and says, “Of course it is. You know you can come home whenever you want.”

“Can you leave long enough to get lunch?” I gesture at whatever he’s working on.

He sighs and glares at the glass beakers. “Yes, it’s fine. I was about to call it quits on this round anyway. I’ll start fresh this afternoon. Just give me a minute to shut down, and we’ll go to Finnegan’s. Sound good?”

“Chili cheese fries always sound good.”

He goes to work breaking down the experiment while I wander around, looking at the other tables in the lab.

“You know, that was your mother’s station,” he says, when I pause at one. He’s told me that almost every time I come. It was like she was here with us, watching us work together. Watching me work toward a noble future I don’t want anymore. My neck goes hot, and my stomach twists. God, I’m so selfish, and the longer I stay here, the harder it is to keep it in. The truth is just behind my lips— I can’t wait until Finnegan’s. I have to get it out now or I never will.

“Dad, I failed my first chemistry test.” It comes out in a rush, a panicked exhale.

Dad faces me. “What?”

My voice cracks when I speak— Am I crying? “I failed my first chem test. I thought I knew everything on it, but I just blanked. Dad, I flunked chemistry. Chemistry! And now I’m out of the Honors Program, and there’s no way I can salvage it.” I gasp for air, but I can’t stop this stream of words. They’re fighting their way up my throat, pushed out by Liesel Meminger, Owen Meany, and Sam Clay.

“Hannah,” Dad says softly as he skirts a table to get to me. “What is it, sweetheart? What’s going on?”

I knew he wouldn’t be mad— I could have handled anger. It’s the disappointment that breaks me.

A wave of sobs breaks free and I double over, wrapping my arms around myself, trying to hold together even though I seem determined to fall apart. “I’m so sorry, Dad. I don’t know what happened. As soon as I was away at college doing it on my own, I realized…” Can I say it? I don’t want to— He’s going to be so disappointed. I’m throwing it away, everything we built together, all those years of preparation. The dreams we shared and the nights right here in this lab— I’m walking away.

“Realized what, Hannah?” He holds my shoulders. “Come on, sweetie. You’re scaring me.”

I take huge, gasping gulps of air until I can calm the sobs enough to speak. “All these years, me doing chemistry…”

“Yeah?”

“I think it was really about us doing chemistry. I loved it because it was our thing, not because I loved it for myself. You love it for Mom’s sake, and I wanted to do it for her, too.”

Dad exhales slowly. I close my eyes so I don’t have to see the disappointment there. “I’m so sorry, Dad.”

“Hannah,” he says, his voice shaky. “Sweetie, look at me.”

I open my burning, teary eyes and meet his. They’re teary, too— God, how could I do this to him?

“Honey, if I’ve pushed you too hard—”

“No! I wanted it, too. I wanted to be just like you and work in a lab and develop drugs and save lives. I’m just… I’m not sure I do anymore.” I barely get out the last word before I dissolve into sobs again. Dad pulls me into his chest and shushes me, stroking my hair and making nonsense noises the way he did when I had nightmares as a little girl.

“Hannah, listen to me. I never wanted you to follow in my footsteps— I want you to be happy. Your mother would have wanted you to be happy. If there’s something else you want to do—”

“That’s just it. I have no idea what I want to do. I just know this doesn’t feel right anymore. And I’m reading all these books, and there’s so much stuff I don’t know anything about, and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Hey.” He takes half a step back so he can look me in the eye again. “You’re eighteen, Hannah. You don’t have to know. You seemed so set on chemistry, and I was happy to guide you, if that’s what you wanted. But it’s okay to want something different.”

I sniff a big, wet, ungraceful snort. “Really?”

“Really. Want to know a secret?”

“What?”

“Your mother changed majors three times before she declared for chem.”

My mouth drops open. “But you said you guys met in class.”

“We did, when she finally decided this was what she wanted. We got to know each other because I was tutoring her to get her up to speed after her late start. It’s okay to not know what you want right now, and it’s okay to change your mind, and change it again. You’re smart and you’ve got so much heart. You’ll know it when the right thing finds you.”

His words feel like oxygen after staying underwater too long. I cling to every one like a lifeline. “I was so afraid of telling you. I was supposed to do it for Mom’s sake, just like you. I thought you’d be disappointed.”

He winces. “I’m so, so sorry if I made you feel that way. You never owed your mother or me anything, Hannah. This is your life.”

“You didn’t.” I start blubbering again, but it’s okay because so is Dad. He hugs me and I cry on his shoulder like I’ve wanted to all year. And he says everything’s going to be okay, just like he’s always done. I don’t know why I believed for a second he wouldn’t.