Chapter Twenty-Four
Hannah
I lose track of time for the rest of the day. I went home with Dad, and we had a long talk about what my first semester at college was really like. I told him everything—bombing the first test, the anxiety and fear, discovering Prometheus and the books that Ben gave me, all the things those books made me think and feel…
It’s a long day, ultimately good, but really draining. By the time I climb the stairs to my room, I’m exhausted, but I need to call Ben. He was facing something just as daunting today, and I’m sure it was worse for him because I’d bet his dad wasn’t nearly as supportive as mine.
I call him after climbing into bed, but it goes straight to voicemail. That gives me a flicker of unease, but I’m being ridiculous. There are a million perfectly harmless reasons Ben might not be able to pick up his phone. I really wanted to talk to him tonight, but it can wait until morning.
I fire off a quick text before I go to sleep.
He hasn’t texted back by morning, which is more worrying. But based on everything he’s told me, it’s possible his dad is still trying to force his hand.
I text him again to say Dad’s driving me back to Arlington, and I’ll be there by early afternoon. I can’t imagine Ben will stay in Columbus any longer than absolutely necessary, so I’ll just head over to his apartment as soon as I get back. I’m desperate to hear how it went and tell him about my talk with Dad, but it’s probably better to have that conversation face-to-face anyway.
Weirdly, as hard as yesterday was, I feel great. The fear and dread I’ve been dragging around with me for months is gone, and I’m free. I’m still completely directionless, but my future will sort itself out, and Dad will be there for me no matter what.
Now my only concern is Ben. By mid-afternoon, I still haven’t received a single phone call or text, so I head over to his place. It’s Sunday, so he’s got to be back— He has classes and work tomorrow.
Ben and his friend, John, live in this ramshackle Victorian house in the student ghetto. It was a nice house once, but it was split up into quirky little apartments decades ago and has had generations of Arlington students living there ever since. Putting it kindly, it’s a mess of sloping floors, drafty windows, and sticking doors.
I ring the bell and bounce on my toes on the sagging front porch, trying to stay warm. A second later, the door opens, but it’s not Ben.
“Oh.” John smiles. “Sorry, I must have been already coming downstairs when you buzzed.”
“Is Ben back?”
“Yeah, he just got in a little while ago. I think he’s in the shower.”
“Oh, should I come back?”
John grins and waves me in. “Just go up. He won’t care.”
John heads out, and I climb the two flights of stairs to their tiny apartment. It’s kind of cute because it’s up in the old attic, so it has angled ceilings and weird little poky corners. The shower is still running as I pass the bathroom, and the thought of Ben in there, under the water, makes me pause.
What would he do if I joined him there? My pulse races, but yeah… I’m not brave enough to go for that just yet. But maybe someday soon.
Ben’s room, as usual, looks like a closet and a bookshelf got in a fight and nobody won. His backpack has practically exploded across his unmade bed, and I’m kinda hoping we’ll need that bed later.
When I toss his clothes from the bed into a pile and straighten the books and papers into a tidy stack, a letter printed on creamy, heavy paper with an embossed school logo at the top of the stack catches my eye. It’s the logo for the Chicago College of Law.
I shouldn’t read it, but the first word jumps off the paper at me: Congratulations.
I can’t help it— I keep reading. “Congratulations on your acceptance to the Chicago College of Law.”
The middle stuff I don’t care about, but it closes with, “Please sign and return this letter as soon as possible to secure your place in the incoming class.”
And below that, unmistakably, is Ben’s signature.
Ben walks into the room in sweats and a T-shirt, rubbing a towel over his wet hair, but he drops the towel when he sees me. “Hey, what are you doing here?”
I clear my throat. “I came to see how you were because I was worried. Seems I didn’t need to be. You’ve got everything all figured out.”
His gaze drops to the paper in my shaking hand, and his expression goes flat. Not shocked or nervous, just resigned.
“What the hell is this, Ben?”
He sighs, loud and frustrated. I move toward him, letter in hand.
“I was going to talk to you when you got back—”
“You’ve been telling me over and over that you won’t go, but you’ve been planning it this whole time.”
“No—”
“Yes, you were! When did you apply?”
He looks away, his jaw working as he grinds his teeth together. “Christmas day. I just did it to shut my dad up.”
I wave the letter. “Did you just accept the spot to shut him up, too? Are you going to spend three years getting a degree just to shut him up?”
Ben sighs. “It’s complicated.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that, but it seems pretty straightforward to me. Your dad is telling you what to do, and you’re doing it.”
“You don’t understand.” He’s not meeting my eyes, and those words are so dismissive. The room goes hot— I clench my fists. After everything we’ve been through, we’re right back here, with Ben discounting me, underestimating me.
“Then explain it to me! You know what you want, and Ben, this isn’t it.”
“I don’t have a choice!”
“You always have a choice.”
Ben barks a humorless laugh and spins away, hooking his hands behind his neck. “I don’t. If I don’t do this, I lose everything. This is bigger than a major, Hannah— I’m talking about the rest of my life, here. You don’t get it.”
I reel back. “I don’t get it? Seriously? I’ve been working toward my major since I was four. I was supposed to major in chem and become a drug researcher and cure the fucking disease that killed my mom. I was working for a lot more than just some major, and I walked away from that. And you think I don’t get it— What, because I’m some dumb freshman? I just went home and told my dad everything. You went home and caved. Tell me who the grown up is here.”
His eyes glint behind his glasses, and his eyebrows furrow into an angry line. “It’s not the same thing at all,” he snaps. “We’re in entirely different situations. Yeah, you quit the Honors Program, but you still have your dad. Whatever you fucking deal with, he loves you, and he’ll always support you. I don’t have someone on my side like that. I’ve never had that.”
My heart sinks and my eyes sting. How could he say that, after everything? “You had me. I supported you, no matter what.”
Ben’s eyes soften, and he steps toward me. But if I let him touch me right now, I’ll just give in to him, and that wouldn’t solve anything. He has a big problem he’s been hiding from me for weeks, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. This one’s all on him.
I hold up my hands. “No, forget I said that. It clearly doesn’t matter.”
I shove past him and head for the door. He grabs my arm, but I yank it out of his grasp.
“Hannah, what are you doing?”
“Leaving.”
“Seriously? Can we just talk about this?”
I shake my head. “Talk about what? You’ve already made up your mind without telling me. You’re moving to Chicago to go to law school. That’s all there is to say.”
I pause at the door with my hand on the knob. I don’t look at him because I won’t be able to leave if I do, and I really need to leave because tears are welling up in my eyes. “Good luck, Ben. You’re going to need it.”
The afternoon fades into evening as I sit on my bed in my dorm room, staring at my hands in my lap. Every now and then my phone buzzes at my side, but I ignore it. I didn’t exactly plan to break up with Ben, but when his first call came in, I hesitated. If I answered, he’d apologize it away, I’d pretend I didn’t care, and we’d go back to being us. But he’s moving away in a few short months, and he’s been hiding that from me.
Maybe, all along, I was the one who assumed he was going to grad school here in Arlington, but he was never so sure. I’m so in love with him that I could easily take him back and ignore the truth, grateful to have him however I can. But he keeps going after what’s “right” instead of what he loves. How long until that includes me? Am I just like the master’s degree for him? The thing he knows he loves but can’t commit to?
Ben’s on some collision course with his future, and I don’t want to be on board for the ride, even if it’s with him. So I let his call go to voicemail. And the next one, and the next. All afternoon, it gets harder to deny him, but I do. I have to.
I miss my mom in a way I don’t too often anymore. If she were here, would we talk about Ben? Would she have given me advice or comforted me as I cried? Would she have made me feel certain that I’m doing the right thing, or would she have told me I’m making a mistake?
The door slams open, light floods in, and Jasmine blows into our room. “Jesus,” she gasps, slapping her hand to her chest. “You scared the shit out of me. Why are you hiding here in the dark?”
I open my mouth to respond, but I can’t talk. I’m crying. I’ve been crying all afternoon, and my face is wet and my eyes are puffy.
“Hannah?” Jasmine rushes to my side. “What’s wrong?”
“Ben,” I choke out. “We…kind of had a fight.”
She strokes my hair. “About what?”
“Law school.”
“Is his dad still giving him grief about that?”
“He doesn’t have to give him grief anymore. Ben’s going.”
Jasmine leans back. “Hold on. He’s actually doing it? I thought he wanted to go to grad school here for lit.”
“He did. He does. But he’s accepted an offer to go to law school instead, even though he knows he’ll hate it. God, we’ve talked about it so many times, but he never said he was actually going to go.”
She sighs and slips her arm around my shoulders. “Maybe he just needs to work this out for himself. You can tell him a million times it’s a mistake, but until he tries it himself, he won’t be convinced. This fall, when he’s actually in the thick of it, he’ll figure it out and—”
“He’s moving to Chicago.”
Jasmine grimaces.
“He applied to law school in Chicago, and he didn’t say a word to me about it. So even if he finally figures it out in the fall, he won’t be here.”
“You know,” she says gently. “People do manage to survive the long distance thing. Sean and I did it for a year. It’s not the end of the world.”
I shake my head. “The problem isn’t Chicago. He’s choosing this thing he hates because he thinks he should. How long do you think it’ll take him to find a girlfriend who’s a better choice than me?” As soon as the words come out, my stomach sinks, and I cover my face. “You know, Alex is going to law school, too. He always wanted her first anyway.”
“Hey, you don’t know it’s going to go that way.”
“No, but I don’t want to be around to see it if it does.”
I start crying again, the sobs swelling up and drowning me. Jasmine wraps her arms around me and rocks me as I cry. My phone buzzes again, and Jasmine hesitates. “Is that him?”
I nod.
“You sure you don’t want to talk to him?”
“And say what? Good luck in Chicago next year? Have fun without me? It’s just…” I sit up and wipe my face. “He was the first person I talked to about the whole chem thing. And he’s been there, cheering me on the whole way, even when we were just friends. But now the tables are turned, and he kept it a huge secret. Even when I asked him, he didn’t tell me the truth. I don’t matter enough to him to even be a part of this decision.”
“Oh, Hannah… I’m so sorry.”
Jasmine’s pity is worse than anything. I almost wish she’d snark at me or tell me to put on more eyeliner and get over it. But who am I kidding? Right now, anything she could say would make me cry because Ben might as well already be gone.