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Carmen’s phone jittered across her palm like an insect; she flinched and stared down at the screen. Every time it rang or buzzed since she had been reunited with it, she expected to see Billy’s name appear on the screen. She should block him, but somehow it seemed like giving him anonymity, something to hide behind. Her heart was beating so loud she did not notice Sawyer come out of the house.
“What’s wrong?” He stepped up beside her, his shoulder so close to Carmen’s the spice of unfamiliar cologne left from the hugs he had received floated to her nostrils.
“My dad called.” Tears that had hung around with tenacity since the overheard conversation with Alice and her friend returned to brim on Carmen’s lids. She frowned, trying to force them away.
“Answer,” Sawyer said. “I’ll wait.”
She wanted to talk to her father. Her failure to pick up had nothing to do with Sawyer, however. “I can’t,” she said in a shaky voice.
“Why? I thought you were close?”
“We are.” She took a breath. The air jerked into her lungs with a shudder. “And that’s why. I’m not ready for him to find out what a mess I am. He’ll think he needs to help.”
“Carmen.” Sawyer moved to pull her closer but then froze. A look of unease crossed his face, and he settled back, his hand falling against his thigh. “You’re not a mess, and parents understand these things happen. They’ve all been through shit they never tell their kids about.”
“My dad has a lot going on. I don’t want him to worry about me.”
Sawyer exhaled a humourless laugh. “Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but won’t he worry if you don’t answer your phone?”
Carmen gave a wet, unladylike sniffle. “I’ll send him a text saying I’m all right.”
“Comforting, and I’m sure that will put his mind completely at ease,” Sawyer said, dryly.
They stood facing each other, unmoving; two people turned to coal by the weight of their uncertainty. Carmen’s hand itched to reach out to him. An inch was all that separated them, yet that inch yawned like a chasm. The frigging Grand Canyon. Their acquaintance was still so fresh; the territory of such emotions was daunting and unexplored.
Sawyer broke the tension first. With a disgruntled sigh that deflated his entire frame, he took her hand, pulling her over to a swinging bench at the side of the house. The sun had completed its descent and the sky’s evening glow cast long shadows of elusive seclusion over the lawn. Sawyer waved his hand in a gesture for Carmen to sit and then did the same. A third person would have fit in the space between them, but at least he kept hold of her hand. They were quiet for a few moments, and then Sawyer spoke.
“When my marriage ended, I was scared shitless to tell my folks.” His voice held the resigned heaviness of reluctant confession.
“My mom and Celine’s were best friends. Mom and Dad thought of her as a daughter, and Celine was Sasha’s best friend. The whole thing was messy and complicated. I still feel ill when I think about all the lives we screwed up.” He scrubbed his free hand over his face, studied the frayed patch on the knee of his blue jeans. “The kicker was, they didn’t want us to get married as young as we did. Despite how much everyone loved her. They told us to wait to make sure it was what was right for us.”
“And you guys didn’t listen.”
“Of course not. We were twenty-one; we were always right.” One side of his mouth quirked.
“You didn’t want to tell them because you hated they were right?”
He shrugged. “I suppose so, but it wasn’t really the issue. So many things happened, and I spent a long time being angry at Celine, at everyone, when it was just as much my fault.” His lips twisted. “The point is, when it got right down to it, my family were the only ones I wanted to talk to.” He glanced sideways at Carmen with a sad smile. “When I finally told them, everything poured out of me. Like, every grisly detail I’d been holding back. I broke down. I don’t remember the last time I cried in front of Dad before that.”
Carmen’s heart gave a twist at the flash of pain on his face. The memories stirring in his lovely eyes. There was a lot more to the story he wasn’t telling her. Somehow Carmen could sense that.
“I’m sorry it was so hard for you,” she said, squeezing the hand still entwined with hers.
“Thank you. It’s done now, and we are both happier. But it was a long rocky road.” He shrugged with a sigh. “I’m telling you all this because I want you to see parents are more pliant than we give them credit for. They have been through more than we will ever know. I think, part of their job is shielding us from the shit storms of life, until we are old enough to weather them on our own. We never know what went on behind those curtains.”
“Poetic,” Carmen mumbled.
Carmen wondered if her dad would understand. He had made enough mistakes in his life; his children knew that well enough. The man was stubborn to a fault and as protective as they come. His family had always been the axis on which his world rotated. There was no question he must never hear the full story of the break-up. A shudder worked through Carmen at the thought of what would happen if he ever discovered Billy had laid a hand on her. He would never rest until Billy had paid for it. Her dad was no longer a young man, and the thought of what could happen made a cold sweat break out on her brow.
“If I can hold off until I go to Jake’s, things will be better. I can say I am there to visit him and figure stuff out. He will worry less that way.”
“Carmen, I understand you want to see your brother, but why are you so adamant it will help the situation?”
She laughed, bitter and dry. “So he can vouch for my mental state. We can stew in our mutual aloneness until I figure out what to do. I can hand the phone to him, and he can say, ‘Yeah, Dad, she’s fine. She’s sitting right here.’”
Sawyer considered this for a moment. “And if your brother sees right through you? If he doesn’t play along with your little deception?”
“He won’t,” Carmen said. “Jake doesn’t do ‘feelings.’ He runs from them.” Carmen heard the irony there but ignored it.
“Are you sure it isn’t because he’s a man and you believe he can protect you?” Sawyer posed the question lightly, but there was a thread of something in his tone that Carmen could not quite place.
“Well, that’s quite the sexist thing to say.” She glared at him; her anger heightened by the fact he might have a point. Had she been running to Jake so he could protect her? “I just know he’ll leave me in peace to plan until I figure everything out. I can take care of myself.”
Sawyer sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “I didn’t mean to imply you couldn’t. But a breakup like yours, with these complications, isn’t something you just get over. This isn’t an illness. I don’t think you’re safe with Billy around. I want you to understand Jake isn’t the only one who can protect you.” He held a hand up when Carmen opened her mouth. “I know, you don’t think he would hurt you, but he scares me, Carmen.” Lines formed in the space between his brows.
Carmen shook her head. “He’s an idiot, not a psycho.” The look on his face told Carmen that Sawyer thought otherwise. She looked to the graze still dark on his cheekbone. Maybe she was the idiot. Had she spent the last years in complete denial? The man followed her two hundred kilometres, for heaven’s sake. A bitter taste flooded her mouth, and she swallowed against the intrusion.
“I’m only saying, I don’t think hiding out longer at your brother’s is going to help,” Sawyer said in a gentle voice.
“I haven’t been hiding from anything.”
“You refuse to speak to your dad for reasons I barely understand; you’ve hardly spoken to your sister.” He waved a hand into space. “You say you are close to your family, but then you run away and won’t let them contact you. Sorry, but it seems a little like hiding to me.”
A flare of anger kindled in Carmen’s chest. “You think I want to be trapped here with no car?”
Sawyer stiffened and pulled his hand out of hers. “So, I suppose as soon as the lazy ass mechanic fixes the thing, you’ll be on your merry way. Not a care in the world?”
Carmen jerked so hard the swing moved in an erroneously peaceful sway. “That isn’t what I meant. Do not put words in my mouth.” She clenched her fists, pounding them against her thighs. “I’m so sick of men putting words in my mouth. Billy always did that.”
His eyes went dark. “I’ve got news for you, Carmen. I’m not Billy.” The ice blue nearly eclipsed by the ink-black of his pupils. The corners void of their decorative laugh lines. “I’m sorry I wasted so much of your time. I’m sure you’ll be relieved to hit the road.”
“Sawyer . . .” Carmen took a deep breath. Struggled to calm her nerves. Her upsets and uncertainties of earlier threatened to boil forth and taint the issues at hand. “Of course, I have to go. That doesn’t mean leaving isn’t going to be hard. But I wasted enough time already.”
It was all wrong. Not what she meant to say or how she wanted the words to sound. She opened her mouth to fumble the right ones into place, but the flare of pain on Sawyer’s face stopped her breath. The swing groaned as he pushed himself to his feet.
“Sawyer, please, that didn’t come out right.” Carmen’s voice broke. The thought of leaving him in a couple days tore her apart, and the inevitable seemed to approach sooner than either of them had expected.
“I know what you meant.” He stood stiff, his hands tight at his sides, and refused to meet her gaze.
“No, you don’t, because it came out all wrong. I don’t regret . . .” The tears threatened again. Carmen swallowed a couple times, forcing them away. “I didn’t mean for—”
“What did you mean, Carmen? Huh?” He spun on her, his face mottled with anger and hurt. “You thought it wouldn’t matter? What did people tell you? Sawyer Stevenson sleeps with everyone so he’s fair game? Nice little rebound until you can be on your way?”
Carmen’s jaw dropped. She jumped to her feet and made a grab for Sawyer, unsure if she wanted to hug him until the pain left his eyes or beat him until more joined it. “How can you say something like that?” Her voice was high and shaky. Her hands quivered at her side.
He jerked away from her touch, his chest heaving with the intensity of his breathing. “I get it. This isn’t some romance novel. We had our fun. We will be done with your car Monday, as promised. No more wasting time.” Sawyer turned and stomped up the stairs to the porch. A second later, a door slammed so loud someone inside cried out in surprise.
Carmen sank back down on the swing seat and buried her face inside her hands, giving in to the tears. Frustration ran through her in tremors and sobs. She had to escape. Suddenly terrified someone would find her like this, she stood and started down the path.