The doorbell rang. I put the dishcloth on the counter, walked towards the hallway and opened the door.
“Hello Mum,” I said with a smile and stepped aside to make room.
My mother entered the hallway, rubbing her hands. “Hello darling,” she said, gave me a peck on the cheek and slid her arms out of her grey woollen coat. Just when everyone thought we wouldn’t have a proper winter this year, a cold front had suddenly crossed the country. Her eyes widened. “You look absolutely beautiful.”
My father, who followed in her wake, mumbled something similar.
I smoothed the black silk dress that I’d immediately ordered after the phone call with Dan yesterday. “Thank you,” I responded and closed the door.
We entered the warm living room, where Tim sat, eyes fixed on the television screen.
“How wonderful you’re going on a date,” my mother said and squeezed my arm.
I smiled and walked around the kitchen island to the sink where I’d just cleaned up the remains of the diner I’d prepared for Tim. My mother followed me and sat down on a kitchen chair.
“So tell me. How long have you known this man for?”
I wiped down the luxuriously thick granite countertop with a dishcloth. I’d have liked a more industrial look using concrete, but Oliver preferred the classic look and I’d acquiesced. I popped a tablet in the dispenser of the dishwasher and turned it on. “I only just met him,” I said casually, but as I uttered the words, I realised what the implications were. Was I making a huge mistake meeting up with this Dan, because, in all fairness – what did I really know about the guy?
“We recently met in the playground,” I continued and omitted on purpose where he worked.
My father had taken a seat next to Tim on the couch and seemed to have developed a sudden interest in children’s programmes.
“Lovely,” my mother responded, oblivious to my sudden disquietude about the whole thing. “Who would have thought you could meet someone there. I suppose he also has a child then?”
“Yes. He’s divorced and has a daughter.” I held up the kettle, trying to steer the exchange onto an easier subject. “Tea?”
“No, thank you darling. We won’t be staying long, otherwise it will become too late for Timmy,” she said and I smiled at her concern.
My father had apparently overheard more of the conversation than I was aware of, given the alarmed look he shot at me from the other side of the room. “Will you be careful, love? There are so many crazy people nowadays. Just look out for yourself and stay alert.”
Under normal circumstances I’d have given an inaudible sigh, smiled and uttered, ‘Yes, dad,’ but the threatening events of the past few weeks suddenly made me nervous.
I bit my lip. “Will you keep an eagle eye on Tim while he’s at your place?”
My mother looked up completely nonplussed. “Yes of course. We always do, you know that, right darling?”
I nodded, but still wasn’t feeling reassured. “Just please don’t let him out of your sight, okay?”
My mother opened her mouth to respond, but at the same moment, Tim roared as my father turned off the television, which distracted her. I got up and corrected Tim, telling him to say hello to his grandparents.
Tim’s face lit up as he threw himself into my mother’s arms. “Nana,” he yelled.
My father watched the scene, visibly moved. “Are you coming to stay with us again tonight, you big boy?”
His proposal went down well with Tim, as he scampered like an overgrown puppy.
I headed to the hallway and handed Tim’s suitcase, which I’d already packed, to my mother. I gave Tim a warm hug and then passed him onto to my father, who carried Tim out on his arm.
After they’d left, I walked up to the mirror in the bathroom and stared at my reflection. I squared my shoulders and felt a rush of strength and confidence run through me. If they thought they could intimidate me, they had another think coming.
I touched up my makeup, checked my outfit and set off.
A little while later I parked my bike by a tree flanking the canal. I felt a slight tickle in my stomach as I tottered over the cobblestones towards the entrance of the restaurant where I was meeting Dan.
As fate would have it, seconds before arriving at the entrance, one of my stiletto heels got caught between the little stones. I slammed forward and smacked my upper body against the glass door. I managed to regain my balance and straightened my back, rubbing my sore shoulder, and swiftly opened the door, feverishly hoping no one had noticed my undignified arrival.
At the counter I asked for Daniel Bernstein and a blonde waitress told me to follow her.
As we were heading towards the back of the restaurant, I saw Dan seated at one of the tables, wearing a green shirt with a well-ironed collar, his hair styled with the intent to look dishevelled. A mixture of nerves and excitement ran through me as Dan’s gaze locked onto me as I approached. How could I not have noticed when we first met that he was so incredibly attractive?
As I arrived at the table, Dan stood up and I saw that despite my high heels, he was quite a bit taller. “Hello Jennifer,” he said and kissed me on the cheek. His freshly shaven, pronounced jaw ever so lightly brushed against my face, a waft of Hugo Boss drifting into my nostrils, and a warm feeling passed through my belly.
Dan stealthily ran his eyes over me. “You look amazing.”
I fluttered my eyelashes and smiled, taking a seat opposite him, while the waitress asked what we’d like to drink.
I cast an inquiring glance at Dan, who apparently hadn’t ordered yet.
“How about we start the evening with a glass of champagne?” he suggested.
Although it probably wasn’t wise considering my empty stomach, I couldn’t resist. “Sounds great,” I replied.
Dan turned his attention to the waitress. “Two glasses please. And some bread with garlic butter.”
The blonde girl noted our order and left.
Dan casually ran a hand through his shiny wavy hair, his almond-shaped brown eyes locking onto mine, and straightened his shirt with a smile on his face. I thought about the suggestion that he was sent by Mason & McGant to follow me to determine how much I knew. Was he assigned with the task of assessing whether I could be a potential threat to the office? Now that Dan was sitting before me, his face open and friendly, it seemed like a preposterous idea.
“How was your day?” I started the conversation lightly.
He puffed his cheeks. “Bu-sy. The firm just keeps on stacking files onto my desk,” he said, rolling his eyes and then giving me a wink.
I thought of Oliver and raised my eyebrows. “I know all about that.”
He didn’t respond to my comment and waved his hand. “Anyway. All of that doesn’t matter now that I’m here with you.” He laid his forearms on the table and leaned forward with a huge grin on his face. “Tell me something about yourself, Jennifer. I’m curious to learn more. What kind of work do you do?”
The waitress returned with our order, together with two menus, and then retreated.
We clinked our glasses. “To a wonderful evening,” Dan said, gazing into my eyes.
I recalled my mission and smiled sensually before sipping my champagne with a delicate motion, letting it flow smoothly. “Mmm, delicious,” I said. I resolved not to drink too hastily and put the glass down in front of me.
“I’m a doctor,” I answered his earlier question. “I’ve had my own practice in Amsterdam-West for a number of years now, together with a colleague.” I made a funny face. “The bad part of town.” Being a doctor in a poorer, disadvantaged neighbourhood usually intrigued people when I mentioned it, and I made a guess that he’d fall for it too.
He raised his chin and squinted. “General practitioner. I can see you in that kind of role. You seem like a socially-engaged type.”
“Oh really? Is that so?” I purred. I took a sip of champagne and licked my lips while I continued to look intently at him. “Perhaps I am.”
I repressed the urge to keep touching my hair to make sure it was still in proper shape and went on. “While everyone around me was doubting what they wanted to do with their lives, I actually knew from the age of fourteen I was going to study medicine. It gets into your blood after a while.”
He seemed fascinated. “Is this part of a long family tradition?”
I thought of my parents and laughed. “No, not at all,” I replied and decided to leave it at that for now. “A few years ago I was given the opportunity to become co-owner of the practice and I absolutely love it. You can really make a difference, particularly in a deprived neighbourhood,” I added, although that term was actually no longer fully applicable to the now up-and-coming area where my practice was located.
He nodded. “That makes sense. I’m sure your profession must be very rewarding.”
“Absolutely,” I said truthfully. I talked more about how I’d had a hard time at work in recent months, but that I’d found a renewed sense of motivation – all the while the champagne was going down rather quickly. I’d had a firm intention not to drink too hastily, but the tension over the date caused me to fail miserably.
The waitress came to take our order. While Dan requested a tournedos and a glass of Merlot, I glanced at the menu and decided to opt for the salmon with a glass of the same wine.
“How about we share a bottle?” Dan proposed.
A bottle was really too much for me, but I didn’t want to be a bad sport and so I replied it was fine.
The waitress scrawled everything onto the paper and left us again.
Dan began to talk about the fact that he’d recently attended a wine tasting course and how he’d learned to appreciate all the differences in flavours there were. As he kept chatting, I noticed how I was gracefully slanting my head, supporting it with one hand, while every now and then daintily flipping my hair over my shoulder, keeping my eyes fixated on his. I smiled at myself – it had been years since I’d been flirting like this, going to great lengths to charm him. It was as if these rusty gestures had been stowed away safely all this time, to be finally taken down from the attic and polished up again.
“Don’t you think?” I suddenly heard Dan ask, his index finger slowly circling the rim of his wine glass.
I snapped to attention. “Er …” I stammered and considered the option of answering in the affirmative. “I’m sorry, I got distracted for a moment,” I confessed, my cheeks flushing.
He laughed. “Am I that boring?”
“Quite the opposite,” I assured him. I laid my hand on his bare arm, where the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up. It was an intimate gesture that evoked both a sense of guilt towards Oliver and a sensual desire deep down, leaving me feeling confused.
“I was just dreaming away,” I said, with an expression on my face that was supposed to reflect both charm and shyness. His hair tickled my fingertips, which seemed more sensitive than usual, sending a rush of heat through me.
He laughed again, louder this time. “It’s okay. It’s probably not that fascinating, this obsession of mine with wine.” The corner of his mouth rose mischievously. “You’re quite the dreamy type, aren’t you? Considering your arrival here tonight.”
I stared at him in horror. Did he perhaps …?
He grinned. “I saw you stumble your way in here earlier,” he explained. “And smack against the window,” he added, giving the final blow.
I almost spat out my wine. “Oh my goodness, you saw that?” I lowered my head into my hands, feeling a wave of red creep up my neck until my cheeks flamed. Then I looked at him warily. “How utterly mortifying.”
“Don’t worry about it.” He peeled my hands off my face and held them in his, which felt soft. “You’re very cute when you’re embarrassed, do you know that?”
The soft brush of his hands on my skin made me feel floaty and warm and alive. Only now did I realise how much I’d missed being touched by someone.
I came to my senses. “Okay stop now,” I insisted, shaking my head and smiling. “Different topic,” I persevered in an attempt to steer the conversation towards safer ground. “Tell me how a tease like you ended up in the legal profession?”
He released my hands and I pulled them back, smoothing my dress. “My father was a construction worker, something he always enjoyed,” he said, now serious again, and I noticed a sense of pride in his attitude. “At the age of forty-two he was involved in an industrial accident, which left him permanently incapacitated and unable to work.”
“How awful.”
Dan nodded. “The company he worked for tried to put the blame on him so that they wouldn’t have to cough up the compensation money. He was lucky to meet a good pro bono lawyer who felt a real passion for his work – he helped get justice for my dad and a respectable pay-out. Without that man things would have turned out very differently.”
The waitress brought the bottle of Merlot to our table. Dan peered at me questioningly, but I rejected his offer to test the wine, knowing that he’d probably be a better judge of it.
He seemed satisfied with the bottle and after our glasses were filled, we toasted to a wonderful evening. Dan glanced at me with an intense look as he took a sip, smacking his lips.
He continued his story. “I witnessed that lawyer making his argument in court. He went the whole nine yards to get the most out of it for my father – that’s when I knew I wanted to be able to do what he did.”
“Wow, that’s an impressive and inspiring story,” I said and took a sip of my wine. “So how did you go from wanting to be a world-enhancing pro bono lawyer to ending up at a pocket-filling firm like Mason & McGant?” I teased.
Dan laughed. “Touché.” He lifted his shoulder in a half shrug. “Well, somewhere over the last twenty years, that memory has faded, I guess. I’ve been seduced by the real money,” he admitted, and gave a wink before changing the topic. “Do you have a babysitter at home watching Tim tonight?”
The glass of champagne on my empty stomach had loosened my tongue. “He’s staying with my parents tonight,” I replied, gauging his reaction, until I was hit by a hint of shame. Surely I couldn’t be flirting with someone this soon after Oliver’s death, let alone with one of his erstwhile colleagues?
He raised his eyebrows and I noticed a little scar running across one of them. “I see.”
I couldn’t put a stop to another wave of desire moving through my body – this man was unbelievably irresistible.
“What about Bella?”
“Bella?” His sultry mood instantly seemed to vanish. “Er … No, she’s with her mother.”
I nodded and quickly chatted on to dispel the uncomfortable feeling that lurked among us, wondering if I’d said something to upset him. “My parents have been an enormous support ever since Oliver died. I don’t know what I’d do without them, and without my upstairs neighbour,” I added laughing. “Tim frequently visits her for an hour or so.”
“It must be wonderful to be surrounded by people like that. You’re very fortunate.” The friendly tone from before had returned.
He slowly leaned forward and my breath quickened. “And I’m fortunate to have a date with a beautiful woman like you.” He was quite the smooth operator. “I’m glad you called me. It’s been wonderful so far getting to know you better.”
I looked at him with a grin on my face as I finished my glass of Merlot. “Same here.”
We fell quiet for a moment. The wine seemed to be clouding my thought process and the man opposite me was making my head spin, distracting me from my goal, but suddenly I remembered why I was here.
My palms were feeling sweaty and my heart started to pound. I had to bring it up.
I cleared my throat. “You seem like a really great guy, Dan. But that’s not the sole reason I reached out to you.”
A wrinkle formed between his large, black brows.
“I was wondering …” It felt so ridiculous to bring this up that I didn’t dare. I waved my hand. “Ah, never mind.”
“No, go on,” he insisted. His uncertain smile was veiled by a friendly tone in his voice. “What did you want to ask me?”
I scratched my forehead and then decided to jump right in. “Dan, have you been sent to me by Mason & McGant?”
He tilted his head, a look of bafflement spreading across his face. “Are you asking if I came here straight from the firm? No, I went home first to freshen up.”
I shook my head. “No, that’s not what I meant.” I folded my arms and rested them on the table, looking him straight in the eyes. “Did the firm send you after me to find out how much I know?” I tried to read every emotion in his face, while the question was sinking in.
He now laughed, but seemed on guard. “Why would they have sent me after you? I don’t think anyone there even knows about our date.” His expression suddenly changed. “Oh wait. Now I know what you’re getting at. You mean because you were Oliver’s wife?”
He took the bottle of wine from the caddy and held it up questioningly.
I shook my head and he only refilled his own glass. I decided to remain quiet to see where this was going.
Dan leaned back, holding his glass of Merlot loosely in his hand and looked up in the air as he spoke again. “I actually hadn’t thought about it like that.” He turned his gaze towards me. “Do you reckon they’d find it inappropriate for me to date the wife of a deceased colleague?” He seemed to ponder it for a moment and then shook his head. “Anyway,” he said lightly. “Ultimately, it seems a matter for you and me to decide on. Nobody else has any say in it, don’t you think?”
I closely examined the man opposite of me – he didn’t seem to understand at all what I was getting at. Or was he just bluffing, pretending not to know what I was insinuating?
Dan seemed to have left the subject behind and declared in a matter-of-fact tone that he was hungry.
I was driving myself crazy, I concluded. This man knew nothing about any treacherous actions – it was a closed case. Dan seemed to be genuinely interested in me. It was obvious I had become paranoid as a result of all the snooping around at Mason & McGant.
I rested my hand back on his forearm, gently patted it, while I leaned over and smiled. “You’re right. It’s nobody’s business whether we’re dating or not,” I said in a whisper. I floundered in a sea of shame and guilt towards Oliver, yet at the same time it felt fantastic to be admired again by someone after months of being only a mother and a widow. I decided I was going to enjoy it while it lasted.
He looked ardently at me for some seconds longer, slowly bringing his face closer to mine, releasing a handful of happy butterflies fluttering through my stomach. I could feel the warmth of his breath as his mouth came closer and closer, his lips almost brushing mine, when I bowed my head. However much I revelled in Dan’s company, he was moving too fast.
Suddenly I heard a little cough behind me and I looked up.
“Your order.” The blonde waitress stood at the table carrying two plates in her hands.
Over the following hours we enjoyed delicious food and wine and talked endlessly, discovering we had so many things in common. Dan paid the bill, after a somewhat feeble and fruitless objection on my part.
Once outside, I noticed it had cooled down considerably and I shivered, rueing my decision to wear a summer coat.
Dan leaned in towards to me. He gently rubbed my upper arms with his hands. His brown eyes seemed to sparkle as he spoke. “Would you like to have a drink at my place?”
I heard my father’s words echo in my head.
‘Will you be careful, love? There are so many crazy people nowadays.’
I gazed into Dan’s eyes and found myself inching towards him – somehow I felt he could be trusted. “All right.” I raised my index finger. “One drink.”
I walked towards my bike and fished the key out of my handbag. The canal was awfully close and I wasn’t sure whether it was the anticipation of going home with Dan or the alcohol that made my fingers tremble. I planted my feet on the cobblestones as firmly as possible considering my high heels and ignored the little voice in the back of my mind that said ‘this is all going too fast’.
We cycled together towards his neighbourhood and after arriving, we ascended the nearly hundred-year-old stone stairs to his flat, with beautiful double-hung sash windows in the typical Amsterdam Art Deco style. After stepping inside, Dan took my coat and we entered the living room.
Three walls were painted in a light grey shade, the wall opposite was decorated with mirrored tiles, creating the illusion of more space than there actually was. I noticed the flat contained many authentic details, forming a pleasant contrast to the sleek, light-coloured Scandinavian furniture. There was a white three-seater sofa, two upholstered seats and an ultramodern plastic armchair in the shape of a sphere. “Fancy a glass of port?” I heard behind me.
I swivelled. “Make it a small one.”
While Dan popped into the kitchen, I ambled through the room, letting my eyes wander. The walls were bare, with the exception of a neoclassical painting that adorned the restored, original mantelpiece. The house was different to what I’d imagined – something seemed to be missing, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
Dan returned with two glasses of port and handed me the smaller one.
We clinked our glasses and took a sip.
“Nice flat,” I said, and then I suddenly realised what it was. “Where are Bella’s pictures?”
He looked at me with a blank expression for a brief moment. “Pictures? Oh, right. I haven’t hung them up yet. I only moved in a couple of months ago, you know. After the divorce I rented something temporarily before looking to buy something.”
I raised an eyebrow. It didn’t look like Dan had just taken up residence in this place. Even the finest details such as candles on the dresser were attended to. “It’s actually looking absolutely perfect.”
He looked at me mysteriously. “Shall I tell you a secret?”
A sickening feeling crept into my stomach and the hairs on the back of my neck bristled with tingly trepidation – I had uncovered enough secrets lately.
“I didn’t do this myself,” he said smilingly and let his eyes wander through the living room. “I hired an interior designer to decorate the place, an old friend of mine. The first thing I did when I got the keys to this house was ring her up.” A laugh broke from his chest – he was completely oblivious to the apprehension I’d felt to his words. “I’m a complete mess when it comes to home decoration. I couldn’t even match a sofa with curtains. My ex-wife did all of that.”
I gave a nervous titter with relief.
He raised his shoulders. “Ah well. I’m not ashamed of hiring someone else to furnish the place for me. You have to acknowledge your weaknesses, right?” he said, showing that gorgeous smile of his. “Besides, I think she’s done a brilliant job.”
I nodded.
He drew closer to me and gave me a mischievous grin. “Since we’re talking about the flat – would you like to see upstairs?”
I felt the smile stiffen on my face and turned away, panic welling up inside me. How on earth was I supposed to handle this?
He flinched away, presumably having noticed my hesitations. “I’m sorry. Am I going too fast?”
I coughed, feeling flustered.
He regained his composure and laughed charmingly. “I sometimes misread the signs when I like someone.”
“No … No! It’s not you,” I hurried to say.
He leaned against the cupboard, crossed his legs at the ankle, hands in his pockets, and waited for me to resume speaking.
I scratched my neck, desperately searching for the right words to describe how I felt. “Oliver died just six months ago …” My voice trailed off, I’d lost my thread.
He filled in the blanks. “You shouldn’t be afraid of what other people think. Nobody can tell you when it’s the right moment for you to er …” he said. “Do you find it too fast yourself?”
“No, I guess not,” I replied.
But perhaps I did. I let out a sigh. If I wanted to give this relationship a real chance to work, I should be honest with Dan. “I don’t know. It’s hard.” The many glasses of alcohol I’d consumed over the evening caused a fog in my brain. I shook my head and then looked at him. It had been a long time since I’d put myself out there. I felt terrified and ever so vulnerable, but I decided to not beat around the bush any longer. “I like you, Dan. I really do.”
He stepped forward, gently wrapped his arms around my waist and tenderly pulled me closer towards him. “You’re not so bad yourself, Jennifer,” he said with a flirtatious smile and brushed a strand of hair back from my face.
I felt warm and fuzzy. There was still a bit of uneasiness as to whether I was doing the right thing, but it felt absolutely wonderful to be cherished by someone again.
“I understand you’re in a delicate position. We’re both single, but your situation is so different from mine. My ex and I, we were no longer an option – I was relieved when we separated. Of course, I still love her as the mother of my child, but there’s nothing more than that. But your marriage was suddenly ripped apart, without you wanting it to be.”
I considered telling him about the little blips during the last few months of Oliver’s life, and the doubts about our marriage that were fuelled by everything I’d discovered recently. But it was too much for now and so I just nodded.
“It’s all quite overwhelming. This,” I added, pointing my index finger at him and back at me a few times. “I really enjoyed our diner tonight, and yet all kinds of feelings of guilt are overwhelming me. I’m not sure I feel ready yet to become a laid-back, happy single. I’m sorry.”
Dan let his hands slide off my waist, retreated and turned away from me. He seemed lost in thought and ran a hand through his hair, leaving it to stick up in peaks and making me laugh.
He looked at me in surprise. “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. Sorry,” I said and quickly dropped my smile to look serious again.
“If you want it to end here, I completely understand. The whole situation is making it all very complicated. I’m making it all very complicated,” I corrected myself. I scooped up my handbag from the couch where I left it. “Do you want me to leave?”
He shook his head. “No … No. Give me a minute. I have to take it in,” he said, stepping back a little. He absent-mindedly took a sip of port, walked over to the couch and flopped down, knocking a few cushions to the floor.
I started tugging a loose piece of skin on my finger as Dan kept staring into the distance. Outside I heard a noisy group of people clearly having a good time, making quite a racket. Inside there was absolute stillness.
I took a few steps in his direction. “Dan?” I whispered.
Only now did he seem to become aware of my presence again. “What?” he said blankly, but then the stern expression on his face softened. “Oh. I’m sorry.” He stood up from the white leather couch, leaving a small indent, and advanced towards me and looked deep into my eyes. “I get that it must be very hard for you. It is all a bit complicated and, admittedly, after my turbulent time with the divorce and everything, I was feeling more like a simple, carefree date.”
I swallowed and looked away. I could empathise with him, but his remark had struck a nerve. “I understand,” I whispered.
Dan took my hands, which I left hanging lifelessly in his, and gave them a gentle tug to make me look at him. “But then again – who am I kidding?” he asked rhetorically. “We both have a child and have been married before – things will never be uncomplicated anyway.” He let go of one hand, lifted his and let it gently move down my cheek, sending bolts of electricity through me.
I couldn’t speak and merely nodded.
He whispered, his lips just a breath away from mine. “You’re a fascinating woman, Jennifer, and I’d love to get to know you better. Let’s just take the time to see where this leads. I have an extra room with a spare bed in it,” he said and smiled. “We’re in no rush.”
I felt my shoulders relax. Dan was right – we could just take our time and see what would happen.
Dan’s fingers stroked my cheek, sliding down to cup my chin as he shifted towards me. I shivered briefly at his touch, hearing his breathing suspend as he brushed his mouth against mine in a gentle, lingering kiss. I closed my eyes while his wonderful, strong hands were caressing my back like feathers, forgot about everything and relished his warm lips on mine.