chapter 12
The Pressure to Succeed—High School Introverts Speak Out
I started running focus groups when I was researching my two self-help books for kids, 101 Success Secrets for Gifted Kids and The Girl Guide. I met with hundreds of kids, asking them specific questions about everything from giftedness, to school, to peer pressure and more.
One of the focus groups with high schoolers covered the ideas of temperament and the pressure to perform in honors-level classes. I’ve taken some of the content from that group and included it here. It speaks to the pressures many bright introverted teens feel when it comes to meeting the expectations of a world that celebrates extroversion, sometimes at the expense of introversion.
Before I jump into the actual interview, let me give you a few demographics for the group. The participation group for these questions consisted of 11 high school juniors and seniors (five boys and six girls). Ethnicity was diverse, consisting of Asian, Pacific Islander, African American, Hispanic, and White. Socioeconomic levels were unknown. Each of the participants had been identified at their school as being gifted. They self-identified themselves as being introverted based on their preference for solitude when they needed to renew. Nine participants were involved in their honors programs (five girls and four boys), while the other two took at least one honors-level class during their high school career. All 11 participants were involved in at least one extracurricular activity, with nine participants being involved in three or more activities during the school year. All participants stated that they planned to apply for a 4-year college. Group participants were not obligated to provide their names. For that reason, I have identified them as Students 1 through 11.
I want to thank you all, again, for participating in this evening’s group. The following questions involve what it means to be introverted in today’s academically challenging world. Let’s start with a basic question—Do you think school is harder for an introvert?
Student 1: I do, totally.
Student 8: I think our teachers always expect that we have time to do the projects and papers. And that’s on top of the extracurricular things we are expected to participate in.
Student 11: There is just a lot of pressure to get “out there,” get known. For me, it’s really uncomfortable.
Student 1: Yeah, I would prefer to stay behind the scenes, you know? But that doesn’t get you noticed by colleges.
Student 3: Some of our teachers just expect us to have no problem with speaking in front of class and actively participating in the interactive circles [Socratic seminars]. It’s hard for me.
Student 11: At least we have each other, though.
Student 3: That’s what gets me through it all, knowing my friends “get” me and are going through the same thing.
What about the pressure to excel? Is there a difference in how that pressure is felt based on temperament?
Student 2: That’s a hard question to answer. I am an introvert. I’ve got no idea how my extroverted friends feel. It isn’t something we ever talk about.
Student 6: I will say that most of my extroverted friends are more vocal about the pressure, that’s for sure.
(Laughter and nods from the group.)
Student 6: Seriously, I have friends that seem more outgoing than I am. They talk about feeling a lot of pressure at school. In fact, they talk about it frequently.
Student 3: But not us. I think the only time I ever talk about the pressures I’m feeling is if someone else brings it up. And even then, I am hesitant to admit what I am feeling. I won’t even tell my mom about how I feel most of the time. It’s just too hard.
Is that true for most of you? Are you hesitant to ever talk about your stress and pressure?
(More nodding.)
Student 10: I think that all of us in honors programs feel a lot of pressure to excel. It kind of goes along with the territory. We need to get good grades, participate in leadership activities, be in sports or artistic groups, volunteer places. It is a lot to handle. But I don’t think that is unique to introverts. Everyone in these types of programs is going to feel some level of pressure. I just think introverted kids talk about it less.
Are any of you involved in competitive sports? Is it hard, given your temperament?
Student 5: We aren’t all involved in sports, I think. But we are in competitive activities.
Student 6: Mock trial, debate, sports. Something that will look good on the college application.
Student 5: Yeah. And we all try to have leadership roles in those groups. That is the hardest part for me. If one of my more outgoing friends wants the same position, I will seldom go for it. Instead, I’ll create some new position that I can have. It’s just easier than trying to “sell” myself to the other people in the group.
Student 3: I’m a competitive swimmer. It’s not hard for me to be in the group at all. I just swim, listen to music in between events at a meet, and chill. No big deal.
Student 11: I’m in swim too. And yeah, it isn’t really hard in terms of my temperament or anything. Though, I have to admit, my coaches don’t get the whole introvert thing. They don’t get that yelling at me in front of everyone is rough on me.
Student 7: Yeah, coaches never seem to care about how being corrected loudly on the field feels.
What about other extracurricular activities? Are you more drawn to certain types? What are they?
Student 2: I think our interests are diverse, just like everything else. Sure, many of us are involved in similar things. But I think that is more related to our college goals. We are all drawn to the activities that look the best on college applications.
Student 5: Some of us like mock trial or debate. Some of us are more drawn to service or religious-based groups. And others are into the arts.
Student 2: We just all try to be involved in a lot of different things. For college.
Student 9: Not just for college. I like being involved in speech. It has helped me overcome some of my fear of public speaking.
Do you think it is harder for an introvert to get into college? Why or why not?
Student 1: I don’t think temperament has anything to do with getting into college.
Student 3: Except for the interview part. I know I’m scared of that piece.
Student 1: Yeah, but everyone is afraid of that part! And besides, we have classes we can take to prepare for that.
Student 3: Yeah, classes that make us role-play. That’s almost as bad as the interview itself.
Student 9: I’m not worried about getting into college. And I don’t think temperament has anything to do with entrance. But I think I’m more drawn to small colleges related to my temperament. The idea of 50 or 100 in a class sounds horrible to me. My short-list for colleges have ratios more like 10-1.
What is the biggest challenge in high school for an introvert?
Students 4 and 5: The social drama.
Student 5: I just hate having to deal with the social aspects of high school. I do feel lucky to have found a bunch of people that understand my moods, my need to be alone, and my unwillingness to talk about some things. But it is really hard with some of my other classmates.
Student 9: I just feel like I am misunderstood a lot. Even by my friends. They think that I am being, I don’t know, a snob I guess. They just don’t get my need to be alone, or my hesitancy in groups.
Student 5: We get you!
Student 9: I know you do, but there are a lot of people who don’t. They assume I’m being conceited when I pull away. Or that there is something “wrong” with me. I think that’s the hardest part of high school.
Student 10: I get that. And I have to say that I agree—the social part just sucks most of the time. It’s taken me 3 years to find friends that are like me. This year has been a lot better because of it. Next year, since we are all going to different schools and such, I’m a little nervous. I don’t want to go back to feeling like I’m totally alone again.
For you seniors, will some of you try to stay in touch?
Student 10: I know I will—on Facebook or by texting.
Student 5: Yeah, I definitely plan on staying in touch with everyone.
This glimpse into the minds of a group of gifted introverts provided me with a lot of insight into some of the things they find more difficult as an introvert trying to make it in an extroverted culture. Their responses shaped some of the strategies developed for the book. I hope you find their insights helpful as you deepen you understanding and develop your own strategies for working with your introverted children.