chapter 14
Navigating Through the Mine Fields
“Yes, I’ve been teased because I am so quiet. I hated it. But most people just don’t get me.”—Daniel, Age 8
Social venues can be difficult for any child, especially those who are reserved and cautious like introverts. This chapter takes some of the information from the previous chapter, delving deeper into the more difficult aspects of social dynamics, including conflict resolution, bullying (physical and relational), and anger management.
Introverts are drained by intense emotional reactions, even their own. Faced with the sensory overload that can come from social interactions, many introverts become overwhelmed. As I’ve discussed previously, this can lead to increased agitation as the introvert struggles to regain a sense of equilibrium. Add to this scenario the intensity of emotions that often accompany social conflicts and similar situations and introverted children are pushed over the edge, resulting too frequently in behavioral explosions of one form or another. Helping the introvert develop the social skills necessary to navigate difficult social situations, as well as understanding the differences between how introverts react to conflict versus their extroverted counterparts, is key to reducing the chances of explosive behavior.
Introverts are predisposed to seek calm. Rooted in their hard wiring, this need for understanding and peace causes most introverts to pull away from conflict. As their stress levels and the demands for social attention increase, introverts will often withdraw emotionally from social turmoil.
Extroverts, on the other hand, engage. Their natural fight or flight reaction kicks in, pushing them toward an almost aggressive response to stress and conflict. The opposing forces of the need of the extrovert to engage and that of the introvert to withdraw can often result in unbalanced social exchanges that can escalate into explosive pouts. Even when introverts are in conflict with other introverts, the intensity of their emotions can create disharmony that increases both stress and frustration, resulting in negative behavioral exchanges.
How can parents help redirect this behavior and teach introverts the skills needed to better navigate the normal social difficulties that can occur in any relationship? I think it begins with helping introverted children understand the nature of their emotions, recognizing which types of intense emotions impact them and how. Understanding the impact other people’s emotions have on your introverts can help them, and you, develop strategies to process that emotion without reacting to it.
Consider this example: An introverted mother of two extroverted girls is continually drained by her job at an up-and-coming technology firm. She comes home, already exhausted, and is confronted by her daughters who are engaged in a heated verbal argument. Unable to process through the intense emotions, the mother yells at both children, adding fuel to the existing fire. Before long the incident has deteriorated into a smaller version of WWIII.
Sound familiar? Most parents I talk to can relate to this in some way. The truth is that most of the drama could have been avoided with a few small interventions: time to regroup prior to the mother coming home, emotional detachment during the argument, and a little time away for everyone.
Problem Solving 101
❖ Remain calm.
❖ State the problem using “I” statements (“I am feeling …”).
❖ Allow the other person to state the problem from his perspective.
❖ Stay away from blame and shame.
❖ Brainstorm a solution to the problem.
❖ Decide on the solution and make a plan.
❖ Thank the person for helping to solve the problem.
Once your introverted children understand their emotional hooks, help them practice the stress-busting strategies presented in Chapter 7. Learning to regain a sense of calm is a great way to avoid most conflicts in the first place.
There are times, however, when conflicts occur despite your children’s best efforts to avoid them. When this happens, it is important for children to understand how to navigate through the conflict without becoming more drained. Teach them how to listen to others, engage in creative problem-solving techniques, and compromise. These basics of problem solving and conflict management can resolve many of the difficult social situations. The tip sheet on this page reviews the basics of problem solving, skills every introvert needs to learn.
Sometimes sticky situations escalate faster than your introverted child can try to solve the problem. At these times, anger and other negative emotions may spin out of control. It is important for your child to have some strategies to calm himself and diffuse the anger. Teaching your child the strategies listed on page 156, and practicing them frequently, can help your introverted child prevent some of the angry conflicts that can arise between friends.
Empowering your children with specific ways in which to deal with anger, as well as an understanding that intense emotions do happen within social situations, is a great way to help them understand social dynamics more clearly.
Diffusing Anger
❖ Know what triggers your emotions.
❖ Take a deep breath and still your thoughts.
❖ Count to 10.
❖ Walk away.
❖ Find a safe person you can always vent to when you are angry.
Anger and aggression often go hand in hand. Anger is the emotion, and aggression is often the action. Aggression is typically defined as a forceful action designed to dominate another. It is one of the most typical components of bullying, one of the hardest social problems facing our schools.
Bullies can be extroverts or introverts. They engage in behavior that is aggressive in nature, designed to overpower a victim, and pervasive. Most bullying is either verbal, like taunting and gossiping both at school and online. Other forms of bullying include relational, when the aggression attacks social connections through ignoring and seclusion, and physical, including property damage and physical aggression. Bullies victimize indiscriminately, meaning anyone is a potential victim. And all of the forms of bullying have the power to inflict significant harm, undermining self-esteem and feelings of safety for the victims.
Teaching your introverted children how to handle a bully can be a challenge. As mentioned previously, most introverts withdraw in the face of aggression and conflict. They have a hard time believing that people can be so unkind. Teaching them that there are people who will not always act fairly or in a kind manner is important, as is teaching specific skills for working with bullies.
Just as important as understanding what a bully is, introverted children need to understand what a bully isn’t. Law enforcement typically defines bullying as acts of dominance, in which the perpetrator is trying to exert control over the victim and the victim feels powerless. This is beyond the typical social difficulties kids may experience, beyond taunting that can happen on schoolyards across the nation, and beyond a simple conflict between peers. Bullying involves intent, aggression, and dominance.
How to Deal With Bullies
❖ First, clarify what a bully is and is not with your child.
❖ Determine if the school has an anonymous way to report bullying. If it does, allow the child to use that format. If it does not:
○ Determine a “safe” time to talk with the administration of the school.
○ Encourage your child to always report incidents of bullying.
❖ If your child is the victim of bullying, be sure to spend time teaching the child how to work past the negative impact of the bully.
Take a look at the tip sheet above. Use the strategies to help your child learn what to do when faced with a bully.
It’s important that introverted children understand why they need to report acts of bullying. Teach them how and when to intervene. Only in silence does bullying continue. Regaining a sense of safety and empowerment happens when we take action and let go of any shame we are feeling either as victims or witnesses to acts of bullying.
In addition to reporting acts of bullying, it is important for your children to know how to recover. Throughout this book, I have given you tips for teaching introverted children how to deal with stress, improve overall coping strategies, and develop emotional strength and resiliency. These same strategies can help children recover if they are victims to acts of aggression and/or bullying. Remind your children that they can rise above the negative feelings of hurt and shame, that it will get better. You and your children have the ability to regain the feelings of safety that may have been lost. You just need to work together to do it. Learn what it means to bully. Make sure your children don’t engage in bullying behavior. Teach them who to talk to if they are bullied or if they witness acts of bullying. By taking action, you and your child can stop the bully’s negative impact.
This chapter has been all about difficult social interactions and ways introverted children can smooth out the hard times. Focusing on coping skills, problem solving, and dealing with intense emotions are the best ways you can assist your child in handling the more difficult aspects of relationships.
Class Notes: Teaching Tolerance at School
Bullying and poor social interactions account for a significant amount of the behavioral problems in schools. The PBIS strategies mentioned in other chapters can help bridge the gap with regard to explicitly teaching social skills that both extroverts and introverts need in order to manage their behaviors and interact with peers appropriately.
Another thing teachers can do to create safe classroom environments that promote prosocial behavior is teaching tolerance. This can be done through cultural awareness weeks, “culture walks,” and promoting diversity. Increasing awareness of various cultures, as well as breaking down typical stereotypes, helps children increase their tolerance for those who are different in some way. It is important to include learning and socioeconomic diversity, as well as cultural diversity. The tips on page 159 outline ways to teach tolerance in the classroom setting, something critical in today’s multicultural world.
Cultural walks, sensitivity training, and diversity awareness work in concert with antibullying programs to promote safer schools for all students. Why not try out some of those strategies in your school?
Building Tolerance
❖ Start with a safe classroom environment.
❖ Embrace diversity and cultural awareness.
❖ Incorporate sensitivity training and “culture walks” into the curriculum.
❖ Teach prosocial behaviors to students.
❖ Manage stereotypes, including your own.
SOCIAL DILEMMAS Q&A
In addition to social development, many of the parents I work with worry about bullying, conflict resolution, and anger management. The questions that follow focus on some of the difficulties introverted children have when trying to manage their emotions and deal with bullies and other social dilemmas.
My son tends to take a lot from his friends and then will suddenly lash out. As a result, he’s often the one getting in trouble even though his behavior is the result of a lot of built-up frustration. How can we as parents help him in these situations?
Introverts typically have a long fuse, internalizing their frustrations rather than dealing with them in the open like most extroverts do. As a result, they often appear to not be bothered by others until they become explosive related to their pent-up frustration. The best way to help introverts regulate their emotional responses with more balance is to help them become more aware of what bothers them, learn how to express their needs to others in socially appropriate ways, and learn how to respond when they are on overload. One way to manage some of this is through the development of an emotional vocabulary, or a way of talking about their emotions. By learning how to talk about emotions, the words to use and when to talk about them, introverted children can begin to learn to express themselves when overloaded. Take a look at the tips on page 160 for quick strategies to teach an emotional vocabulary to children.
Developing an Emotional Vocabulary
❖ Work with your child to define his or her emotions in terms of how the behavior looks.
❖ Come up with a word to describe each emotion.
❖ Define the meaning of the words.
❖ Use the word(s) as a cue when the child is unable to discuss emotions.
❖ Encourage your child to openly discuss his or her emotions.
Another way to assist introverts in managing their emotions is to teach them to journal or use similar strategies to stay in touch with their emotional selves. Teaching children to regulate their emotions before they reach the point of overload is the best gift you can give your introverts.
What strategies should I be teaching my child to help with his social interactions, especially when there are conflicts?
Most introverted children avoid conflicts like the plague. Unwilling to interrupt others when they are speaking or risk humiliation through confrontation, introverts often wind up saying nothing and internalizing the problems rather than seeking a resolution to the conflict. Fortunately, there is a lot parents can do to assist introverts as they learn how to problem solve social situations.
First, remind your introverted children that conflicts should never be dealt with when everyone is angry. Teach your children to take a break and calm down prior to discussing the problems. Finally, go through the conflict resolution and problem-solving tips throughout the chapter. Use these strategies with your introverted children to teach them how to successfully navigate through difficult social patches.
I really want my introverted daughter to have more friends. Is this wrong?
Similar to concerns in the previous chapter, this question speaks to the overriding concern many parents have with friendship and the number of friends their children have. Being concerned with your daughter’s social life is normal. We, as parents, always want our children to develop strong and supportive friendships to help them throughout their lives. However, focusing on the number of friends someone acquires is, in my opinion, a misguided concern, often occurring when extroverted parents have introverted children.
Extroverts typically establish many friendships. Not all of these relationships are deep, but to the extrovert, it works. Introverts don’t develop a significant number of friendships. They tend to build one or two friendships at a time, focusing on the depth of the relationship and not the number of friendships.
One style of friendship development is not better than the other. What’s important is whether or not the relationships are meeting the needs of the child. The degree to which your child has meaningful relationships from which she can derive support is the appropriate focus for parents.
It seems like some cultures don’t view introversion as a bad thing. Is this true?
Yes, many Eastern cultures, especially those in Asia, find the extroversion attributes celebrated in Western culture distasteful. In those cultures, being reserved, quiet, and calm are the attributes held in high regard. This difference in ideals is a reminder that although the attributes of temperament are determined by our hard wiring, whether or not those attributes are held in high regard relates directly to specific cultural definitions.
Bullying is a big deal in schools now. Are introverted students targeted more than extroverted students? Is there something that I can do as a teacher to reduce this?
Most researchers agree that bullying is indiscriminate when it comes to victims. It does not follow ethnic, economic, or cultural patterns. Anyone can be the victim of bullying. The key to preventing bullying from occurring is focusing on positive behavior interventions and supports and establishing safe environments for children. Be aware of students who do not appear to have friends, students who demonstrate sudden changes in behavior, and students who suddenly avoid other students. These could be indicators of bullying and should be addressed. Additionally, teach children how to report bullying behavior they may witness or experience. Children need to know specifically how to act in light of bullying in order to take action.
In a Nutshell …
Big Ideas
❖ Intense emotions present large energy drains for introverts.
❖ Introverts are easily humiliated in many socially intense situations.
❖ Learning conflict management skills and creative problem-solving skills is important for introverts when navigating social difficulties.
❖ Developing an emotional vocabulary, as well as learning the art of journaling, enables introverts to discuss their feelings in some way.
❖ Bullying is a problem for all people. Introverts, in particular, may struggle with knowing how to deal with a bully.
❖ Learning how to set and maintain boundaries is very important for introverts.
❖ Tolerance is the key to creating safe environments for all children, including introverts.
Supplemental Pages
❖ Tip Sheet 24: Problem Solving 101—page 155
❖ Tip Sheet 25: Diffusing Anger—page 56
❖ Tip Sheet 26: How to Deal With Bullies—page 157
❖ Tip Sheet 27: Building Tolerance—page159
❖ Tip Sheet 28: Developing an Emotional Vocabulary—page160