chapter 5
Setting the Foundation
“My parents don’t really understand me. They want me to have a ton of friends. But I am happy just the way I am.”—Olivia, Age 12
Effective parenting begins with both an understanding of the child, as well as an understanding of how the household environment impacts the behavioral reactions of children. The first section of the book focused on explaining the basic attributes of temperament, as well as how to determine which members of your household are introverted. This section focuses on parenting strategies used with introverts. And the best place to start this conversation is with parenting ideas that work particularly well with introversion, ideas that will establish a strong foundation of support for the introvert.
Introverted children function best in predictable environments that are calm, organized, and allow for periods of rest. This is not always easy to find with today’s busy and somewhat chaotic lifestyle. Fortunately, the same conditions that assist the introverted child also form the foundations of effective parenting. Attributes including clear expectations regarding behavior, clearly defined consequences, boundaries, predictable reactions from parents, and opportunities for involvement in the household through chores and input regarding rules and consequences all contribute to laying a strong foundation for the introverted child.
Before I discuss the specific qualities of each of these attributes, take a moment and complete the household inventory worksheet on page 47. This will help you get a handle on the specifics of your household.
My Household Foundation
Directions: Read each statement as it relates to your household and decide if you agree or disagree with the statement. For additional benefit, allow each family member to complete a worksheet.
| I agree | I disagree | I neither agree nor disagree | |
1. Each person in the household knows the expectations or rules. |
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2. The rules have meaning to the members of the household. |
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3. Each household member knows the consequences for breaking a rule. |
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4. Consequences are consistently applied. |
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5. Every household member knows his or her role in the family structure. |
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6. Each member of the household respects the boundaries of the others. |
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7. Parents are predictable and consistent in their reactions to the children. |
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8. Household members have chores and know what the chores are. |
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9. Children participate in some of the decisions in the household. |
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10. Every member of the household has opportunities to contribute to the running of the household. |
Looking through the worksheet, what do you notice? Is there disagreement between any of the household members? Are there areas that need clarification?
Most parents see the value in clear expectations and consequences for behavior. Ensuring that every member of the household understands the rules and consequences for both good and not-so-good behavior will create the predictability that introverts respond well to. It will also help the introverted child understand just what is expected of her with regard to chores and other responsibilities, as well as behavior. This can help to ensure compliance most of the time.
It is important to note that most introverts will comply with family expectations when they are not overextended. However, once they become overwhelmed, the introverted child will get particularly stubborn, refusing to comply with many of the most simple and basic of rules. This situation can be made worse when parental reactions are harsh, demanding compliance with little time allotted to the child to process the request and calm down.
In addition to clearly understanding the rules and expectations of the household, introverted children function best with predictable routines. Having a bedtime routine, as well as homework and morning routines, can do a lot for the introverted child in terms of creating a safe and nurturing environment. Preparing the child for changes to the routine whenever possible can also extend that feeling of safety through times of potential turmoil.
When rules and expectations are clear, and routines are in place, children will often strive to please their parents. But what happens when they don’t? Are there methods of discipline that are more effective than others?
Just as it is important to have clear expectations, it is equally important to have clear consequences for behavior. For example, if the expectation is that their beds are made before the children leave for school, there should be a consequence for both compliance and noncompliance. Many times there are natural consequences to behavior. But when these are too distant or lack sufficient motivation to manage the behavior, it is important to have consequences in place and discuss them with the children. Using the bed-making example above, a consequence for compliance could be earning time to spend on a preferred activity, while lack of compliance could mean not earning the time.
For the most part, better compliance is obtained when the focus of discipline is positive in nature. This type of discipline puts the child in charge of the consequence in that the child’s behavior determines the response, just as it does in life. It removes the emotional hook and power struggle that can often happen with discipline.
This type of positive discipline is particularly effective with introverted children because it keeps the child from becoming overwhelmed by the emotional drama that can ensue when consequences are punitive. Furthermore, it allows for breathing room, planned reactions, and opportunities to cool down for both the parent and the child. All of these work in favor with the temperament of the introvert.
Behavioral difficulties happen with any child from time to time. These difficulties are often a response to feeling overwhelmed with the environment. They can be reduced in introverted children by taking a calm and unemotional approach to correcting behavior. As I mentioned earlier in the chapter, introverts don’t respond well to demands for compliance, especially when they are accompanied by yelling, screaming, or a harsh tone of voice. They often become rigid, stubborn, and explosive. Remembering that behavioral difficulties are a normal part of growing up can help parents keep their cool. Furthermore, reframing the behavior as a teachable moment is a great way to stay focused on positive discipline. The tip sheet on page 49 contains a series of questions you can ask yourself to determine if your methods of discipline are positive in nature.
Positive Discipline
Ask yourself the following questions related to discipline:
❖ What is my current method of discipline?
❖ Keeping in mind your current discipline strategy, answer the following questions:
○ Will this teach my child better decision-making skills?
○ Does the discipline change the misbehavior?
○ Does this reduce the need for more discipline?
○ Am I angry when I discipline my children?
○ Am I impulsive with regard to discipline?
○ What is my goal with regard to discipline?
Positive discipline focuses on teaching or reteaching skills and not punitive consequences. Take time to check your use of discipline whenever you feel it is losing its effectiveness.
Another factor involved in the establishment of a strong household foundation for introverts is the establishment and maintenance of clear boundaries between all household members. This means establishing the parents as parents and the children as children.
The parents’ role in the family structure involves establishing rules and consequences, supporting healthy decision making for all household members, and coaching the children toward the development of strong resiliency and good social skills. Clear boundaries allow the children to remain children within the family structure, something important in our current culture that tends to rush children into adult roles before they are ready from an emotional standpoint. Introverts, in particular, benefit from the predictability of boundaries in the same way that they benefit from clear family structure.
The establishment of clear boundaries is not limited to the roles of parent and child; it also involves boundaries between parents and between siblings. With parents, it is important for each parent to allow the other to form his or her own relationship with the children. Maintaining appropriate boundaries such as not interfering when one parent is disciplining the children or when one parent is coaching behavior is a great way to help children respect both parents equally. When there is disagreement between the parents, it should be discussed outside of the earshot of the children.
With siblings, it is important that the introverted child be allowed personal space, either by having a part of a room that he can call his own or by having a separate room. Having this space enables the introverted child to create a “mini-retreat” that will serve as a sanctuary when he needs to renew.
In addition to establishing personal space, it is important for introverted children to feel like they have privacy. This means teaching the other household members to respect the “alone time” of the child, by remembering to knock before entering a room or respecting a specific time set aside as “quiet time.” Doing this gives the introverted child much-needed space and time for a respite from the busyness of the day or from extroverted family members. The tip sheet on page 51 provides a few questions you and your children can use as reminders when establishing appropriate boundaries.
Boundary Reminders
❖ What is your role in the relationship?
❖ Are you respecting the boundaries of those around you?
❖ Are they respecting your boundaries?
❖ Do you know what to do if your boundaries are being ignored?
I mentioned earlier that introverted children function best when their environment is somewhat predictable. This extends beyond household routines and expectations to the reactions of the parents themselves. The more stable and predictable the reaction from each parent, the more the introverted child is able to adapt to the situation and feel safe within the environment.
Environments in which parents are consistently firm, but calm, when dealing with behavior tend to yield the most positive results with introverted children. Environments in which parental reaction appears random and chaotic often lead to feelings of anxiety in children. And introverted children do not react well to even small amounts of stress, often resulting in behavior that is either withdrawn or rigid and explosive.
But how can parents stay calm and collected all of the time? The answer is, they can’t, and they should not be expected to be calm 24/7. Parents are first and foremost human. As such, they are subject to emotional highs and lows and behavioral ups and downs—just like everyone else.
The key to reacting in a stable, calm manner most of the time is to know your “hot-button” issues—those issues that typically elicit strong, sometimes overwhelming, emotional responses. Now, I know we’d like to think that we don’t have too many of those. And maybe that is true for you when you are well-rested and calm. But in today’s world, how often does that happen? We spend much of our day tired and emotionally drained. And if you are like many parents, you do not consistently take care of yourself. At these times, those “hot-button” issues can be a significant trigger, and when they are pushed, watch out!
Managing your own behavioral response may take some effort, especially during times of stress. But you cannot expect your child to manage her emotions when you are unable to manage your own. The tip sheet on page 52 lists a few self-reflection questions you can use to help get your reactions under control. These are also tips you can use with your children as they learn to manage their own reactions.
Managing My Reactions
❖ Am I paying attention to my emotional reaction to my children?
❖ Have I become emotionally “hooked” by my child?
❖ Am I detached from the drama?
❖ Am I staying focused on outcomes?
❖ Can I remain calm or do I need to take a break?
As I mentioned in previous chapters, introverts tend to develop connections at a deep level. Creating a household foundation that fosters a sense of community enhances the introverted child’s natural ability to develop relationships. One way to accomplish this is by involving the child in the running of the household through chores and input on some decisions (like where to take a vacation or what do to on a family game night).
Chores are important for children for a number of reasons. Having responsibility for things like keeping their bedrooms clean, helping with meal preparations and clean-up, and taking care of the family pet are all activities that teach both respect for one’s things and discipline. Furthermore, chores are a vehicle that can reinforce the child’s involvement in the running of the household.
Another way in which children can build a connection to the household unit is through family meetings. More than a time for parents to share information, family meetings can provide a forum for children to speak out and share their thoughts regarding important issues in the family. It is important to note that such meetings may be difficult for the introverted child at first. Uncomfortable with any form of confrontation or being expected to respond quickly to questions, many introverted children will be reluctant to speak out on issues. However, by making meetings a normal part of the family’s routine, as well as allowing for multiple ways to participate, the introverted child will learn how to utilize this type of vehicle as a means to connect and participate in family decisions.
No chapter covering parenting and introverts is complete without discussion of some of the hard conversations parents need to have with their children. We live in a world filled with potential risks for our children. Sex and drug and alcohol use are all areas teens are confronted with well before they enter high school. How can parents best address some of these things, especially when introverted children shy away from such intense levels of conversation? The answer lies in the development of strong communication skills long before the need for these types of conversations arises. Introverted children, as discussed in previous chapters, are deep thinkers capable of making deep connections. As such, they are seldom impulsive in their decision making. This will work in favor of reduced risky behaviors. But it does not render the introverted child immune to the risks—in fact, his reluctance to be confrontational could place him in bigger levels of risk.
Establish a plan with your children with regard to risky behaviors. Make certain your children understand your expectations and the rules governing such behaviors. Work together on a game plan that addresses what to do if and when they find themselves in the middle of high-risk situations. Talk often and regularly about these topics, making certain your children know that you are comfortable talking with them. At the same time, don’t mandate that they talk with you. Remember that introverts may feel excessively awkward with such conversations and may withdraw. Do not mistake this for disinterest. Continue letting them know your thoughts and opinions as situations arise.
I’ve presented several ways to create a strong family foundation in the preceding pages. The next chapters cover additional areas in which parents are positioned to make a significant impact—building resiliency and responding to stress and anxiety in a healthy manner. But before we get to that, let’s look at the classroom environment and a little parenting Q&A.
Class Notes: Setting the Expectation in Light of Temperament
Classrooms are often microcosms of our society. As such, a teacher can expect to have extroverts and introverts at about a 2-1 ratio. Establishing effective classrooms with mixed temperaments can have its challenges, as each temperament thrives with its own set of conditions. Add things like language and cultural differences, learning differences, and gender differences, and it is not surprising that many teachers often feel like they are just trying to keep up with the demands, let alone establish an environment that enhances and optimizes learning.
Setting expectations in the diverse classroom is difficult, to be certain. But understanding how the different temperaments function can give insight as to how to establish expectation baselines for individual children.
Extroverts often thrive in classrooms that are alive with activity and sensory input. They enjoy the dynamics of collaboration, often have good short-term and rote memory skills and need stimulation in order to engage in learning. The current teaching principles that emphasize group dynamics, quick processing, and mastery of facts are in direct alignment with how the majority of extroverts function in class.
Introverts, on the other hand, perform best when creativity and deep thinking is emphasized. They benefit from learning depth, not breadth. They are often divergent thinkers and thrive when given ample time to both process and demonstrate their knowledge. They do not benefit from the quick quiz format that exists in many of today’s classrooms. Furthermore, they do not respond well to public chastisement or confrontational methods of classroom discipline.
Given the differences, how can a teacher establish expectations for both sets of temperaments? The key, I believe, lies in how the classroom activities are structured. Balancing activities between group and individual is essential. Furthermore, allowing for deeper levels of study on topics and diversity within assignments allows both temperaments to prosper in the educational setting.
Establishing classroom expectations that focus on achieving personal success balanced with small-group activities, as well as allowing for divergent thinking, creative problem solving, and nontraditional learning are all ways that enhance both temperaments. Finally, ensuring that the classroom is safe from bullying in all its forms, particularly the subtle relational aggression that can easily occur without teacher awareness, allows all children to feel safe and be more willing to take academic risks.
PARENTING INTROVERTS Q&A
Meeting the needs of the introverted child can be difficult, especially if one or both of the parents are extroverts. In the parenting classes I’ve conducted over the past decade, questions often arise about how to establish a strong foundation to help enhance the introvert. Couched in phrases like “help my introvert come out of her shell” and “How can I make him more social?”, the questions don’t always focus on strengthening the many skills of the introvert.
Below you’ll find some of the more typical questions I’ve received over the years, along with some specific information designed to promote the strengths of introversion, as well as minimize some of the problems.
Is there such a thing as an “ideal” home environment for an introvert?
It would be great if there was a cookbook answer for things, wouldn’t it? But, sadly, there is no one-size-fits-all answer for this. There are, however, some things that work best for introverted children. First, introverted children function best in a household that is calm, somewhat free from clutter, and organized. They thrive when things are predictable and routine. Introverted children also function best when given their own space—a bedroom or a specific section in a shared bedroom—that they can decorate as they choose. The more autonomy they have over that space, the better. They need a comfortable place where they can unwind and shut the world away, especially if they are involved in a number of social activities or around a lot of people for long periods of time.
A few other environmental things that can help the introverted child include: predictable routines around bedtime, mornings, homework, etc.; opportunities for solitude; reduced pressure when she is overextended; and meal options that are balanced and have protein and regular intervals. All of these things can help restore an introvert and allow her to function at her best.
What is the most effective way to discipline/reprimand an introverted child?
Like all children, introverts respond best to positive behavioral strategies that focus on seeing behavior problems as opportunities to teach or reteach the introverted child a specific skill he is lacking. For example, introverted children often shut down when pushed too hard. This behavior can be mistaken for being rude or unmotivated. In reality, the behavior is both a response to being overwhelmed with environmental demands and an indicator that the child may lack the essential social skill of being able to ask for a break or help. If a parent responds simply by getting angry and punishing the child, the opportunity to teach the missing skill is lost and the child will likely engage in the behavior again at some point. Instead, the parent should focus on teaching the missing skill, as well as setting clear boundaries for behavior.
This is not to say that there should be no consequence for the problem behaviors. Life does not function that way. But the consequence should be administered with an understanding of the underlying function or reason for the behavior and should be congruent with the problem behavior.
Using the example above, I would advise taking a three-step response to the behavior. First, prompt the child to ask for a break or help by saying something like “it seems like maybe you need to take a break.” If the child reacts by taking a break, praise her actions when she reengages. Focus on teaching the missing skill after the problem has passed.
Sometimes the child will not respond appropriately to the prompt. He or she may yell in response or speak in a disrespectful tone. At that point, I would advise that “time away” be given to the child. What the child—and probably the parent—needs is a break to calm down and decompress. Time away can provide that, as well as some of the other strategies already mentioned in the chapter. After the break, a natural consequence could be having to apologize. If the inappropriate verbal outburst was particularly bad, a consequence could also be the loss of a privilege for a short period of time. It is just important to remember that misbehavior is an opportunity for the child to learn a skill. It should not turn into a power struggle, especially with introverts.
What are some strategies you can use to get your introverted children to share news about their day?
As I mentioned earlier in the chapter, we parents love trying to get our introverted children to talk at the most inopportune times, like immediately after school or after a large social gathering. This is one of the worst times to try to get the introverted child to speak. He likely needs downtime to process the day a bit before we insist on news.
Once the timing of when to ask questions about the day is solved, there are a few things you can do to help your child open up. First, stay away from yes or no questions. If given a chance, an introverted child will answer the questions with “no” or “I don’t know.” Also, give plenty of time for the child to answer each question. Finally, ask clarifying questions when your child answers, to assist in the conversation. The tip sheet on page 57 can serve as a reminder when helping your child communicate with you.
Getting My Introverted Child to Open Up
❖ Allow decompression time after school or social activities before initiating conversations.
❖ Be careful of yes/no questions.
❖ Allow for processing time.
❖ Don’t fire off too many questions at once.
❖ Allow your child the space and choice not to answer.
❖ Be aware of other opportunities to communicate, such as during a car ride or while doing the dishes. Many introverts are more likely to open up when the pressure to talk is reduced.
Help! One of my children is an extrovert and the other two are introverts. Do you have any tips for smoothing out the battles that ensue with a mixed-temperament household?
Mixed temperaments is something that almost all multichild households face. The key in managing this is to both set up an environment that is balanced between meeting the needs of the introvert (calm and organized) and meeting the needs of the extrovert (vibrant and social), and allowing all household members to soar with their strengths. For the introvert, this may mean having clear boundaries that allow the introvert downtime, away from the extroverts of the house. For the extrovert, it may mean scheduling some social time during the day and focusing on building connections.
In either case, the more all household members can begin to understand both their own temperament nuances and those of the other household members, the better. Take a moment and revisit the Understanding My Child’s Temperament worksheet in Chapter 1 (see page 10) to remember what the temperaments currently are in your home. The key to balance starts with this information.
My classroom is definitely a mixed temperament environment. What can I do to help ensure the comfort of my introverted students?
Introverts need a calming environment for learning, something I discuss in great length in Section III. A calming environment can be achieved through similar strategies as those discussed earlier for the home. Predictable routines, clear expectations, and an authoritarian approach to teaching are all things that will enable an introvert to find comfort in the classroom setting. Other things that can comfort an introvert include a balance between group and individual activities, flexibility regarding oral projects, and time to process information. These strategies will help bring out the best in the introverted child.
In a Nutshell …
Big Ideas
❖ Introverts thrive in environments that are calm and organized.
❖ Introverts respond best when expectations are clear, boundaries are specific, and there are opportunities to connect to the family unit.
❖ Introverts need personal space and personal time in order to renew.
❖ Behavioral difficulties can arise when the introverted child becomes overwhelmed.
❖ Introverted children respond best to positive discipline, predictable routines, and authoritative parenting styles.
Supplemental Pages
❖ Worksheet 5: My Household Foundation—page 47
❖ Tip Sheet 1: Positive Discipline—page 49
❖ Tip Sheet 2: Boundary Reminders—page 51
❖ Tip Sheet 3: Managing My Reactions—page 52
❖ Tip Sheet 4: Getting My Introverted Child to Open Up—page 57