chapter 8
Introverts and Extroverts, Oh My!
Most households include both introverts and extroverts, including my own. Needless to say, differences in temperament can intensify sibling rivalries. This next story is taken from a conversation that occurred during a parenting workshop several years ago. In that training, parents and their children worked together to decipher the ways in which extroversion and introversion impacted their family. As with the other stories, the names and identifying information have been changed to respect the privacy of the training participants.
Here are some details about the family itself. The mother, Katherine, works from home, and the father, Daniel, works out of town, commuting more than 2 hours daily. There are two children in the family, both girls, ages 8 and 12. Katherine has identified herself and her 8-year-old daughter as being introverts and has identified Daniel and their 12-year-old as extroverts.
The following represents the family’s answers to several questions asked during a parenting workshop. Their answers provide insight into how one family deals with the needs of multiple temperaments in the home.
What is a typical evening like at home?
Katherine: Most nights we have soccer, dance, or other extracurricular activities. We spend time driving around from activity to activity. We are home around 7 p.m. on any given night. The girls settle into homework by 8 p.m. and we try to get them to bed by 10.
Daniel: Katherine disappears before then. She is just tired every night. She goes into the room and watches television with the door closed.
Katherine: I’m not tired. I just need some quiet time. But I don’t always get it. By that time of night, the girls are getting on each other’s nerves. They argue a lot, and Daniel and I get tired of playing referee. They share a room together, so sending them to their room isn’t always an option. I get really tired of the arguments night after night, but we, Daniel and I, don’t know how to solve the problem.
Are there any problems that come up that you think are related to temperament?
Daniel: Based on what I’ve learned here about introversion and extroversion, I think the arguing has a lot to do with it. Also, Katherine and I aren’t always on the same page when it comes to how to deal with the kids. She thinks its fine that our youngest daughter never socializes on the weekends. I think she needs more friends. I want her to be like our oldest, with lots of social activities.
Katherine: Just because she isn’t on the phone all night doesn’t mean she doesn’t have friends, Daniel. See, this is another example of the temperament thing—Daniel and I have really different opinions of why certain things happen in the house. I will tell you this, I am certain now the fighting that happens between the kids is related to introversion.
Tell me a little bit more about that. How intense does it get?
Katherine: It can get really bad: both girls yelling, both girls crying. It’s a mess. But I think a lot of it has to do with sharing a room. Based on what we’re learning about introverts needing time alone and extroverts needing to connect, I think that is a root cause for a lot of the arguments and tension between the girls—they are each trying to reenergize, but they need something different to make that happen.
Daniel: I think it would be worth it to separate the girls and give them their own rooms. At this point, it is just not working with them sharing a room. Katherine?
Katherine: I agree. Maybe we can try that, along with insisting on a little downtime for me.
Two weeks and two classes later, I asked Katherine and Daniel if there had been any positive changes since the girls got their own rooms and since the family tried implementing a few of the strategies discussed in the workshop.
Now that you have implemented a set time for renewal and given the girls their own rooms, have there been any positive changes?
Katherine: Definitely! The girls are getting along much better now that they don’t share a room. I even notice that the youngest is willing to spend time with her sister more often. Of course, they still argue. Especially right after we all get home. But it is beginning to get better.
Daniel: I think splitting the girls was the right choice. I still worry about the oldest. I feel like she doesn’t get enough of Katherine’s time. But I think everyone is really making an effort to understand each other’s temperament and respect each other’s boundaries.
Katherine: Yes, we are all really trying.
What advice would you give other families with regard to temperament?
Katherine: First, figure out who are the extroverts and introverts in the family. It makes such a difference to really understand everyone’s temperament. Then, look for ways to make both feel comfortable: for the extrovert, look for ways to help them connect; for the introvert, look for ways to allow them to be alone. It’ll help the whole family unit if everyone can get opportunities to renew that work with their unique personality.
Daniel: Yeah, and don’t assume that just because you like to be alone at the end of the day, that everyone does. For the parents, if you and your spouse have different temperaments, don’t take your different needs as personal. It probably isn’t personal at all. Also, be willing to learn something new. When Katherine and I started the workshop, I was pretty certain there was little I was going to learn. I mean, we were good parents, so taking the class sort of felt like a waste. But, I was wrong. I learned so much about myself and each other. And our family has really benefitted from everything, especially the whole idea of understanding the various temperaments and thinking about them when parenting.
Extroverts and introverts can struggle in their relationships with each other. This can be especially true in a family setting. This chapter pointed to one family’s experiences with temperament and some of the strategies that have been utilized. The preceding chapters highlighted even more strategies that can help provide a good foundation in which every member of the household can thrive.