My friendless slump lasted the rest of the week. I would have gone to their houses—all except Kat’s: I wasn’t ready to relive that experience—but I didn’t want to seem like a loser, begging for their friendship. Giving Kat some breathing room after Joe’s death and her accusation was the best course. That was until Saturday came around.
Jordan Henry’s annual summer party was that night. He lived in a secluded neighborhood with part of the bay as his backyard. It had been the highlight of everyone’s summer, at least those who were invited. My stomach fluttered every time I thought about going. I wasn’t ready to face anyone from school yet after what happened to Joe. And I wasn’t sure if my attendance would be wanted by Kat or the girls.
I thought my decision had been made until I saw a post from Rachael with a photo of her, Brittany and Kat getting ready for the party. So they were going. A sinking feeling in my stomach made me second-guess myself. If Kat was going after losing her brother, would others look at me any differently after I’d lost my boyfriend?
I really wanted to go, but the guilt festering inside of me wasn’t helping me make a decision.
I took a deep breath and weighed my options. If I was going to apologize to Kat and get over the entire fiasco, it would be tonight. It was her first public event since Joe’s death and no doubt she would be soaking up the attention. At least that would put her in a good mood and hopefully make her willing to listen to me.
My decision made, I headed over to my closet. I lifted the candy-red dress from the hanger that I’d picked out weeks ago. It didn’t look like much when I took it off the clearance rack at the department store, but when I put it on I felt incredible, as if it were made for me. The corset-like bodice and flirty circle skirt made my waist look tiny and legs appear longer, especially with the six-inch gold pumps Kat insisted I buy. At five-four, I welcomed any extra height.
I was in the middle of pinning my hair up when Mom knocked on the door.
“Come in,” I said through my teeth—I didn’t want to swallow any of the bobby pins sticking out of my mouth.
“Sweetheart, you look great.”
“Thanks.”
She was still in her scrubs, just off her shift. She crossed her arms, concern flitting over her face. “Are you sure a party is the best thing for you right now?”
“I think so,” I said, unsure if I was confident in that statement.
Mom gave me a look. “I’m just saying, no one would fault you if you need more time. What you experienced was traumatizing.”
I stared at myself in the mirror long enough that my eyes teared up, focusing on the task at hand. After my not going to the fireworks, Mom asked about my friends. I’d lied and told her that I was still upset and didn’t want to see anyone. It was a better excuse than, “I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for two years to keep my reputation and Kat called me out on it.” Lying was simpler; now it was biting me in the butt.
“I don’t need more time,” I said. “I need my friends. I’m going to the party.”
Mom’s presence was like unwanted cloud coverage on the beach.
I shoved the last pin into my hair, the edge biting at my scalp. It hurt but at least it would hold.
“Is there something else?” I asked after a few moments of silence.
“Actually, yes.”
I glanced at the clock. “Can we talk about it later?”
“Considering the circumstances on where you’re going tonight, we need to talk about this now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your father and I have given you some space to grieve. But the situation revolving around Joseph’s death is a bit alarming for us.”
“I don’t—”
“His drug use,” she said quickly. “You knew all this time?”
“Yes.”
Mom crossed her arms and inhaled sharply. “Cara, I can’t believe this. Are you using drugs, too?”
“No!” I said firmly. “Never.”
“We raised you so much better than this. I can’t believe you didn’t tell us. Or his parents.”
The thought never occurred to me. As it was, I took a lot of crap from Joe to stay friends with Kat. I would have been committing social suicide if I ever told his parents or mine.
“It’s an unfortunate situation that happened because of his recklessness,” Mom said. “It could have been avoided.”
“Yeah, well, Kat could have said something, too.”
Mom came to my side and took my hand in hers, pulling me against her. My hands dropped limply to my sides. “Cara, we love you so much. If something happened . . .” Her voice quivered. “Do you understand why I had to ask?”
I nodded.
Mom stepped back. “You’re almost an adult. You need to start acting like one. I know it might have upset Joseph to tell someone, but it could have saved his life.”
Heat moved behind my eyes. “Wow, Mom. I don’t need the guilt trip.”
“Sweetheart, it’s not a guilt trip. I wouldn’t be a responsible parent if I didn’t ask.”
I sucked in a breath and nodded, not wanting to ruin my makeup by crying. Guilt surged inside me, making my stomach churn.
“Be safe tonight,” Mom said. “I want you home by twelve. Call Dad or me if you need a ride for any reason.”
“I’m picking up Rachael and Brittany.” Another lie. “Don’t worry about me.” The undertone of her questions was obvious. She knew I didn’t drink, in addition to now knowing I wasn’t a drug user. I never cared for the taste or how alcohol made me feel, which always made the girls happy when I told them I’d drive to parties, most of which my parents had no idea I attended. And, if I did want to drink, Mom’s stories about the detached limbs and bloody teens who came into the emergency room kept me away from the keg.
She hovered in the doorway, making my skin prickle. If it had been any other day when Joe was still alive, she might have fought me more on staying home. We both knew I needed to get out of the house and get back to some semblance of normalcy.
“Anything else?” I asked.
She stared at me and then snapped out of her trance as if her mind had gone on vacation for a minute. “No. Have fun at your party.”
“Thanks.”
She didn’t close the door. I stormed over and slammed it shut. I didn’t need any more interruptions. I needed to plan what I was going to say to the girls. The heavy feeling weighing down my insides lifted ever so slightly, allowing me a fleeting moment to imagine how, after tonight, I would be back in Kat’s good graces and we could salvage some of our summer together.
An hour later, I stood outside Jordan’s house. The sound of thumping music was loud enough to vibrate the windows. The dilapidated house matched Jordan’s grungy appearance at school. It was the annual party that kept the loner on the periphery of our group. The house was the perfect place for the rager, set back far from the street and any other homes. The backyard melted into an inlet. Unlike with the public beach, there was no lifeguard present, so the odds of skinny dipping increased to one hundred percent for the girls who intended to really let loose and the guys who were dared to. Every year these parties were a breeding ground for the next year’s reputations. If you didn’t show up, you were nobody.
The thought of falling further from grace propelled my legs forward and across the overgrown grass. The sunburned weeds brushing my legs reminded me of the status I needed to uphold. The girls and I always came dressed up, even though the majority of the others were in various forms of casual. Kat always said we had to make an impression and you could do that through either clothes or the lack of them. I preferred the first option.
“Welcome, welcome, girlie!” Jordan’s voice appeared next to me.
I jumped back. He sat on a beach chair in the middle of the lawn, alone, a hazy cloud of smoke rising above his stringy shoulder-length hair from the joint in his hand.
“You scared me,” I said. “Why aren’t you inside?”
He shrugged. “It’s not really my scene.” His languid pronunciation said “nah really,” which was a clear indicator that this scene was actually where he belonged.
I lifted my skirt away from the weeds for fear of their catching the thin fabric. “It’s your house.”
“It’s your party.” I knew what he meant. I remembered being an outsider like him. He accepted it, though. I never did.
I didn’t want to engage him. “Well, I’ll see you inside?”
His eyes drooped. “You used to work backstage.”
My hand fisted around the fabric of my skirt. “Excuse me?”
He pointed the joint at me and nodded. “Yeah. I remember you. I worked the lighting booth. You used to be quiet and nice.”
I took a step away from him. “You must have me confused with someone else.”
His head cocked to the side and understanding slid over his eyes. He took a drag and leaned back. “Enjoy, girlie.”
I nodded and headed inside. I brushed off the strange encounter with Jordan and focused on my goal to get on Kat’s good side again.