CHAPTER 4

Dear Earthling,

Thank you for your letter and the slice of birthday cake you sent to me. It was very delicious. I shared it with Andi, and he said: “DOES NOT COMPUTE,” which I guess means he liked it, too. Your Earth custom of setting fire to birthday cakes is very strange, I must say.

I tried it with a glueberry muffin, but it activated our smoke alarm and tasted a bit singed.

Anyway, happy belated birthday.

Here on Crank we send our friends and relations birthday poems, so here’s one I wrote for you:

“So, you’re 12 years old.

Not quite a child any more.

Not quite a teenager either.

Kind of... nothing.”

It was nice of your best friend to give you a “football” as a gift. Here on Crank we have oval or round shaped balls. They are easier to handle than ones shaped like feet, surely?

In other news, Andi and I were walking to school yesterday and were shocked to see the new crossing guard—none other than Sergeant Megatron 5000 from Space Cadets! I don’t think he’ll last very long in his new job though.

FASTER MINIONS, OR I’LL COMMAND THE MECHANICAL BEASTS TO CRUSH THE LIFE FROM YOUR WORTHLESS FLESH.

—Sergeant Megatron 5000

Anyway, Sergeant Megatron 5000 asked Andi if he’d be interested in joining Space Cadets too, as there is an opening that was made for him, apparently. To be honest, I was a bit miffed about this because:

a) I’ve been bragging to my school friends about how hard it is to get into Space Cadets, and now it seems like they’re asking anyone to join.

b) I’d painted Sergeant Megatron 5000 as a mean and ruthless leader, which doesn’t really fit well with him helping little kids cross the road while holding up a giant lollipop.

The rest of the day was a total nightmare. I mean, Andi is my bestie, but he does get on my nerves. He spent the whole of munch-time in loudspeaker mode boasting about how he’d been asked to join the Space Cadets “BY SPECIAL INVITATION.”

He said he’d call round for me later that day so we could go to the meeting together, but as the time drew near, I was still in a huff, so I left five minutes before he was due to get to my house.

I felt a bit bad when he turned up really late at Space Cadets HQ though—we were singing the closing anthem when he eventually arrived, glowing red hot from racing all the way there:

“Space Cadets are kind and true,

Friends to others through and through,

Loyal to all our comrades we

Spread good across the galaxy.”

Singing those words and looking at Andi made me glow red hot too…with shame. So as soon as possible I rushed over to say sorry for not waiting. I’ll admit that I told a tiny fib and said I’d forgotten he was coming. Luckily, he never made me take his onboard lie detector test, like he had when I was nine and said our teacher Miss Battlefield had asked me to marry her. (An embarrassing phase—enough said.)

I felt even worse when Sergeant Megatron 5000 revealed to Andi that the opening at Space Cadets was for a

SNACK DISPENSER!!

Luckily Andi seemed thrilled at the prospect of dishing out cheesy puffs to the rest of the cadets and wore his NO CHANGE GIVEN sticker like a badge of honour.

Fate, however, has found its own way of punishing me, and I’ve been given the task of baking ninety-six puffle-sprout flapjacks to raise funds.

On a positive note, the money is going towards Space Camp this summer, and I’m totally smooshed about going to that, as it will be my first ever trip to outer space!

Let me know if you are smooshed about anything when you write next.

Your friend,

Dethbert Jones