CHAPTER 7

Dear Earthling,

I was very interested to read your last letter about the celebration called “Christmas,” particularly the part about the person you call “Father Christmas.”

To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with a bearded man in a red suit breaking into my house at night, whether he was leaving gifts or not. Plus, you say that he delivers presents to good children all over the world in a matter of a few Earth hours? I talked to Andi about this, and we agree that he must have access to a time-freeze portal as there’s no other logical explanation for his activities. I find the whole thing fascinating and would very much like to discuss the portal theory with him. Unfortunately I can’t find his address on The Everything—perhaps he’s recently moved house? I’d be very grateful if you could let me know where he’s staying in your next letter.

In other news, I’m a little bit injured at the moment, as at the Saint Crustard’s day parade I slipped in a puddle of pudding and broke my arm, so was denied the chance to impress Killian after all.

On a more positive note I asked her to sign my plaster cast, which she initially kept refusing to do, but on the seventh attempt she cracked (I have a certain way with the ladies).

Having a broken arm means that I’m excused from Physical Education at school, which is good for me as at the moment we’re playing Scuttleball. Do you have this game on Earth? It involves one player kicking a magnetic ball (a round one; not foot shaped) across the Scuttlecourt while the other players attempt to alter its course by using long metal Scuttlesticks.

I wouldn’t mind the game so much, except that we have a new boy in our class called Stabwell Phillips who finds it amusing to whack my ankles with his Scuttlestick at every opportunity. He seemed to take an instant dislike to me even though I was friendly and took an interest in his bionic hand (which I initially thought was cool but now haunts my nightmares as I’ve seen him crush a stone with it).

My mum says I should continue with the friendly approach and one of these days I’ll grind him down with kindness. I can’t wait that long though and think the best course of action would be to try some detective work to find out why he hates me so much.

Wish me luck,

Your friend,

Dethbert Jones