CHAPTER 17

Dear Earthling,

I found out what hedge-podges eat, and it’s pretty disgusterous. They actually eat FLUPPIES!

Luckily they also enjoy munching on snapples, just like I thought, so while Killian is looking after the hedge-podge (who she’s named Spike), he’s going to be a firm vegan.

I also tried to find out why Stabwell was round Killian’s house when we found Spike, but she avoided my questions, which makes me worried that she may actually like him.

So I went for a different approach and said something unkind about Stabwell to see how she’d react. I mentioned that he smells pretty bad (vinegar and earwax) and is very spotty. Killian replied that this is because he’s turning into a teenager, and hadn’t I noticed that he’s even growing a moustache?

This devastated me. Killian has noted this fact about Stabwell, yet I could grow an extra head and she’d barely raise an eyebrow. Still, I have to be positive. At least now I’ve got a good excuse to go round her house at any time to see Spike.

In other news, it was Great Aunt Grumbeloid’s birthday yesterday, so the whole Jones clan went out for dinner. We visited a family friendly restaurant on the outskirts of Flurm called Nasal Norm’s. As is suggested by its name, it’s a nose themed restaurant. Norm is short for “E-norm-ous Nose” (which the owner has) and is the inspiration for both the menu and décor.

The walls are lined with pictures of different nose types, plus a certificate from the Grimace World Record people, stating that Norm’s mahoosive nose is indeed the biggest one ever recorded on Crank.

As for the food, you can choose from such splendid dishes as Snozzage Casserole, Spaghetti Bolognasal, or Snotzarella-cheese pizza.

Norm greeted us personally at the door and gave us each a fake nose to wear, except for Great Aunt Grumbeloid and Shriekfest. Shriekfest got a “My Pet Nosey” toy, and Great Aunt Grumbeloid somehow got missed (either that or Norm thought she was already wearing a false nose, but I wasn’t going to point that one out).

Great Aunt Grumbeloid had a good old moan about it to our waitress though and was given a free starter to make amends. Great Aunt Grumbeloid then complained that her starter was cold, so she was given a free main meal (I thought salad was meant to be cold?). Then she groaned about her main meal being too wet.

I could tell that by now the waitress’s patience had been sorely tested, but she still brought out some extra bread to add dryness to my Great Aunt’s meal.

When dessert came (white chocolate noses filled with lime ice cream), Great Aunt Grumbeloid grizzled about her nose being smaller than everyone else’s (again, I had to bite my tongue), so Mum swapped with her to keep the peace.

After we left the restaurant, I could tell my parents were sad that Great Aunt Grumbeloid’s birthday hadn’t gone as well as they’d hoped. But then on the way home she surprised us all by saying that it had been the best night out she’d had in a long while.

I guess she just enjoys a good grumble.

Do you have any elderly relatives with strange habits? Please tell me about them in your next letter.

Your friend,

Dethbert Jones.