SELF-LOVE GYM: Your Wants and NeedsWhat Are You Doing for Yourself?
‘What determines the level of self-esteem is what the individual does.’
NATHANIEL BRANDEN, THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM
It’s an important question! Seriously, what are you doing for yourself?
Given you’re reading this book, I’ll take a guess at not very much. Don’t worry; you’re not alone.
Maybe you’ve gone so long without doing anything for yourself, while giving a lot of your time, love, care and attention to others, that if I were to ask you, ‘What do you want?’ or ‘What do you need?’, you’d think for a second and say, ‘Nothing, really.’ But I’ll bet that it’s not that you actually don’t want or need anything. It’s just that you’ve gone so long not doing anything for yourself that it’s become quite difficult, alien even, to think of what you do want. This is a common symptom of ‘I’m not enough.’
But is it really true that you couldn’t do with some time for yourself? Is it really true that you wouldn’t like to organize your life more, or focus a bit more on pursuing a hope or a dream, or reading books that you’ve forgotten you enjoy? Or even making space in your life for a relationship if you’re single or adding more zing to a relationship if you’re attached?
Would you like to have more meaning in your life? Would you like to have a sense of purpose that makes you excited about getting out of bed in the morning because you can’t wait to start your day? Would you like to have mastery over your finances instead of having too much month left at the end of your money? Would you like to be physically fitter or to improve your diet?
It’s hard to think these things when you’re in not enough because it doesn’t seem possible. Normal is being there for everyone else. It’s like a well-worn path. Believe me, I know what that feels like. I’m writing these words from experience. I was that person who always responded with, ‘Nothing, really.’ I actually took pride in not wanting anything. I convinced myself it was an enlightened thing. The truth is, I just wasn’t used to focusing on what I needed, so I no longer knew what I needed. I’d forged an identity as the person who was always kind. I attached my self-worth to that identity. The trouble was, I’d forgotten that I also needed to be kind to myself.
So, why not start being kind to yourself right now? There’s no better time than the present.
SELF-LOVE GYM: Your Wants and NeedsHere are the questions again:
Please don’t read any further. Pick up a pen. Get some paper. If there isn’t any available right now, find a blank page at the back of this book and write on that. Yes, think about what you want and need and write it down. Now. Tap it into your phone as a text message, write it on a notes app on a Smartphone or tablet. Scratch it into the dirt below your feet if you have to, but write something, anything.
Even writing one thing is a step in the right direction. And you have 10 seconds, starting from… No – that was a joke! There’s no time limit. I don’t care if it takes you a month. Just start now.
OK, welcome back to the book. Have you listed your wants and needs?
The next step is to pick some of the ones that are really important to you and decide what you’re going to do about them.
SELF-LOVE GYM: Your Wants and Needs… continuedFor example, if you want to be healthier, you might decide to write yourself a diet plan or get advice on one. Or perhaps you’ve been neglecting a dream of being a published author, so you might decide to sketch out an outline for a book.
For example, you might write out your diet plan by the end of the week. Or you might set aside an hour on a specific day or night of the week to work on your book.
Even making a plan like this sets the ball rolling.
Nothing says not enough more than allowing your life to fall into ruin like an untended house, and few things say, ‘I am enough’ more than taking control of your life and satisfying some of your needs and desires. A big part of self-love is taking your life by the scruff of the neck.
So, how about it?
SELF-LOVE GYM: Taking ControlWrite down what you are prepared to do in the following areas. I can say that straightening them out has given me a huge boost.
Is your bedroom, office, house or garden untidy? Is your life untidy? Your environment reflects your mind. A clutter-free environment reflects an ordered mind.
The goal is to create an environment around you that’s nourishing. Clutter is not nourishing. But once you’ve cleared some of it, you’ll be creating space for things that are nourishing. They might include pictures, ornaments, totems, artefacts, new wallpaper… You might even go for a complete overhaul.
To get started, write in the space below what you intend to do and when:
To clear my clutter, I intend to: _____________________________
And I will aim to do it by: _________________________
You might notice that I wrote ‘aim to do it by’ and not ‘will do it by’. Although I want you to commit to taking some action in your life, I don’t want you to beat yourself up if you set the goals but don’t find the time to follow them through. Do your best, but go easy on yourself if you don’t manage to stick to your plans, because life happens. And you can always come back to them later…
If you’re in debt, work out a payment plan. Do something, anything, rather than sitting worrying. If you don’t know what to do, speak to someone who does. Get their advice and allow them to help you work out some action steps.
If you’re good with money, what would it take for you to elevate your financial mastery to the next level?
Make this an important goal, because control over your finances frees up time and energy to do some of the things that matter to you.
To get control over my finances, I intend to: ______________________________________________
And I will aim to do it by: __________________________
Start by allowing yourself to dream about what it would mean to have purpose in your life. There are two good ways of doing this.
Either way, then sit back and notice what happens. Take particular note of anything unexpected. Unexpected events and chance encounters are often a doorway into something more meaningful, especially if seeking meaning is your goal. Even when the unexpected doesn’t seem meaningful at the time, I’ve found it useful to tell myself, ‘OK, let’s see where this goes.’
I took two teaching jobs while I was writing my first book, as I mentioned earlier. It was because after my ‘enlightened’ phase I was financially broke. It seemed a backwards step, as it was reducing the time I had to write, plus I was going back to doing what I’d done at university rather than immersing myself in my new philosophical ideas. But it turned out to be brilliant for me because it gave me vital teaching experience that helped me to refine how I communicated. It also motivated me to structure my writing time better. I finished the book more quickly as a consequence.
When you’re looking out for meaning, also pay attention to what friends, family and co-workers say in conversation. You might hear things you’ve missed in the past because you weren’t actively looking for meaning in your life.
To get more meaning and purpose into my life, I intend to: ____________________________
And I will aim to do it by: __________________________
Do you say ‘yes’ to everyone out of obligation?
Stop it!
Enough said.
Are there problems in any of your relationships that are weighing on your mind? Do you need to have a conversation with anyone? Have you been neglecting any of your relationships? What do you need to do to put this right?
Ask yourself what you need to do to get things on track. Do you need to apologize to anyone? It takes courage and it makes you vulnerable, but the payoff is a clearer mind and it’s a big step towards feeling you are enough.
Do you want more passion in any of your relationships? Be the source of it. Don’t wait for someone else to bring the topic up in conversation. Plan a romantic dinner. Make more of an effort.
To straighten out my relationships, I intend to: _______________________
And I will aim to do it by: _________________________
Having a backlog of things to do is psychological clutter (as opposed to physical clutter in your environment; see above). It adds a heavy weight to your mind and leads to a feeling of being out of control. Clearing your backlists, whether it’s spending a few days responding to e-mails, tidying the garden, returning phone calls, meeting up with people or having conversations you haven’t wanted to have, is highly liberating. You can literally feel the weight lifting off your shoulders.
A simple way to do this is to set aside a whole day or two for it. It’s more than worth it. If you work full-time, take a day’s holiday. Make it fun. Get excited about it. It will make it much easier.
If you feel you’re too busy to make the time, do it anyway. You’ll probably find that everything else you do is done more efficiently and effectively because you’ll have more energy and your mind will be free to be creative and insightful.
To do stuff I’ve been putting off, I intend to: ____________________________
And I will aim to do it by: _________________________
What are you prepared to do to take your health by the scruff of the neck? Are you prepared to start exercising more? Can you get up early and go for a jog, do a workout or have a swim? Many successful people have an early morning workout so as to fit staying healthy into their schedule.
What about your dietary habits? What changes are you prepared to make to get healthier?
One of the first things we neglect when we’re in not enough consciousness and giving most of our energy to others, is our health. So:
To improve my health, I intend to: _______________________________
And I will aim to do it by: __________________________
It’s admirable being a good friend, parent or Samaritan. The world needs more of them! I passionately believe that a small group of people with compassion and kindness in their hearts can change the world.
But I also believe they will be more effective if they have more energy. And it takes living from ‘I am enough’ to have more energy. Not enough is draining. It’s emotionally draining, it’s mentally draining and it’s physically draining. I know because I’ve lived a lot of my life that way. Adrenaline will only get you so far before you wear yourself out. And self-delusion will only get you so far as well.
What do I mean by ‘self-delusion’? I mean the way we tell ourselves that we don’t need anything and that giving to others is so spiritually energizing that it supplies all our energy needs. If that actually is true for you, then great. If you can honestly say that you don’t sometimes crave a little time for yourself, or a little magic in your life, or control in your life, or just a moment to sit in the sun with a nice glass of wine, then great. It might have been true for Mother Teresa, but I’ve honestly not come across too many Mother Teresas in my time. And part of ‘I am enough’ is being honest with yourself. It’s self-compassionate to do so.
Of course, giving to others is spiritually energizing. It’s one of the most energizing things we can do. I wrote the book on it! In Why Kindness is Good for You, I shared the evidence for how kindness benefits us spiritually, emotionally and physically. Giving creates massive amounts of energy. But we still need to breathe! We still need to eat! And we have many other needs, including the need to have some pleasure, happiness, time and magic in our life.
Self-love isn’t selfish. As I said right at the beginning, it doesn’t mean ‘love yourself instead of others’. In fact, as we love ourselves more, we have more love to give to others.
Self-love is like an internal bar of soap. It cleans out our heart and mind, leaving plenty of space for compassion and kindness. And that kindness itself is cleaner, fresher, more natural, more honest, more direct, more heartfelt and much more effective.
That’s when we become one of that small group of people with compassion and kindness in their hearts who can change the world…
In summary… When we feel we’re not enough, there’s a good chance that we really aren’t looking after our own needs that well. We’re probably ignoring our wants and needs, in fact.
So, a major step forward is taking control of our life and ensuring those needs and wants are met. Once we take control of our environment, our finances, our relationships and our health and learn how to say ‘no’ from time to time, we start to feel better, stronger and more balanced, and we say, ‘I am enough.’
