Because I’m in the top English class at school, I attended a writing workshop at a local literary festival a few months back. It was run by a well-known writer for young adults and children. I got a signed novel and I also learned something about the techniques of writing a book (which this is). She went on quite a bit about establishing a narrative voice. I’ve been thinking long and hard about it.

Hi! My name is Rob C. Fitzgerald (don’t ask what the C stands for – I’m not telling you on the grounds that it’s hideous and embarrassing) and I’m thirteen years old.

Then I remembered what the author had said about tone. I looked at the word ‘Hi!’ on the page. It struck me as way too conversational and informal. I hit the backspace button.

My name is Rob C. Fitzgerald (don’t ask what the C stands for – I’m not telling you on the grounds that it’s hideous and embarrassing) and I’m thirteen years old.

I put my head in my hands. Think. Be critical. Are the brackets and the words in them necessary? If I’m not going to say what the C stands for (and trust me, I’m not), then why mention it? A tip the writer gave came back to me: the delete key is your best friend.

My name is Rob Fitzgerald and I’m thirteen years old.

Yuck. Ugly. Keep it simpler still.

I’m Rob Fitzgerald and I’m thirteen years old.

Two ‘I’m’s in the same sentence. That’s a basic mistake.

I’m Rob and thirteen.

Perfect. If I’m actually determined to be boring.

Look, maybe it’s best if we pretend this first chapter doesn’t exist. If I don’t get any better as a writer, you have permission to come round to my house, tie me to a chair and have at my toes with a blowtorch.

Which is way better than getting your money back if you’re not entirely satisfied.