Then
Lill sat on her bed with her legs crossed beneath her. She looked down at the key in her hands.
You can do it.
Mother Deena had given her the key just one week after she’d sobbed in her arms in the kitchen, but Lill hadn’t used it yet. As Deena’s belly grew, she seemed sadder and more tired, and Lill had made up her mind that she was going to go visit her tonight.
At first, she’d been mad at Jack for tricking her.
“There’s no way I’m doing this,” she said. “We could get in so much trouble.”
But Jack had stared at her, his jaw set, and he’d spoken so softly that it broke her heart.
“I can’t make you do it,” he said. “But please, you have to. I need to know what happened to Mother Breanna. It’s killing me. And Mother Deena—”
“Don’t even try it,” she snapped, and she felt bad, but she knew she was right. “This isn’t about helping her. You’re using her to get what you want.”
“You’re right,” he said, slumping, and he looked up at her. “I didn’t have any other choice. You could give me the key, say you lost it, and I’ll never tell anybody, I promise. But we have to find a way to get upstairs.”
She’d thought about it. And in the end, it had been Mother Deena, the way she looked in the hallways, that had made up Lill’s mind. It was getting worse. Now, it seemed like she was crying every day, her eyes puffy, her stride slow. And every time she saw Lill, she’d smile and raise her eyebrows.
Lill had seen her earlier that day in the cafeteria, and Mother Deena had taken her aside. “Maybe you could use the key I gave you,” she said softly, sniffling and wiping at the corners of her eyes, and Lill had nodded furiously.
But as she sat in her room, she was scared. She didn’t want to get in trouble, and she didn’t want to get Mother Deena in trouble either. But if she didn’t start using it, Mother Deena would just ask for it back, and then Jack would be upset. Lill bit her lip. She still wasn’t sure that she’d help Jack, but she had to help Deena.
Steeling herself, she hopped off the bed and walked out into the hallway.
It would be so much easier if Mother Deena could just come downstairs. Sometimes, when the babies and toddlers in the third-floor nursery had fits, the mothers would bring them downstairs to Lill’s room, where she’d sing them to sleep. Or the mothers would let her spend the night up in the nursery. Lill loved curling up in the bed with the sweet-smelling babies and singing until their eyes got droopy. One of the babies, who they’d nicknamed “Hiccup” due to the strange hiccupping sound he made when he laughed, giggled merrily every time Lill did so much as hum a single note.
“You have the voice of an angel,” Mother Deena had said once while standing in the doorway to Lill’s room as she sang Hiccup to sleep.
The gates would be locked in about an hour, so she didn’t have much time. Mother Deena would be in her room reading or studying before bed. Lill crept through the gates and toward the stairwell. The mothers walked around occasionally, but they weren’t that vigilant until bedtime. Without a key, the kids were stuck on the floor unless they used the elevator, which would alert the guards to their movements immediately. Lill took one look over her shoulder and then moved quickly into the stairwell.
She took a deep breath as she rounded the stairs to the first floor. The adults rarely used the stairs when they could use the elevators instead, and as she peered through the small glass in the door, she was happy to see that the floor appeared empty. Everyone was unwinding before bedtime, and they all thought the kids were safely downstairs. Lill used her key to unlock the stairwell door and stepped inside, letting it close gently behind her.
She walked down the hall slowly, being careful to stay close to the wall in case anyone came around the corner. The hallway was narrow, and there weren’t that many items in it, which didn’t give her anywhere to hide. She moved toward Mother Deena’s room. She’d been there a couple of times before, but what if things had changed? What if she’d moved somewhere else? They hadn’t talked this through well enough, hadn’t figured out all the details, and now Lill was nervous.
She walked up to the door that she thought was Mother Deena’s and took a deep breath before lightly knocking on it. She stepped quickly to the side, hoping she could duck out of sight if it was the wrong room. But a moment later, the door cracked open, and she leaned forward to see Mother Deena standing there, her face covered in tears.
“Lill!” she said softly and then stepped back so the girl could enter.
Lill walked inside and fought the urge to hug her. Mother Deena had always been so kind to her, and while she knew it was wrong to think of her as her mother, there was no denying their special connection.
“I just came to see if you were okay,” Lill said nervously. “I know I shouldn’t be up here.”
“It’s okay,” Deena said, but she nodded, and it was clear that she was also nervous about Lill being upstairs. “I haven’t been able to sleep in three days. I just lie here.”
“What’s…what’s wrong?” Lill asked. “I mean, I know you’re nervous about having another baby. But you’re also happy, right?”
“Of course I’m happy,” Deena said with a sad chuckle. “I’m happy, but I’m also worried about what’s going to happen to my baby.”
“What do you mean?” Lill asked.
“Three out of the last seven mothers who have given birth have lost their babies,” Deena said softly. “Almost half. Don’t get me wrong. I trust Frank, and he says that if it’s God’s will, it’s God’s will and to never doubt it. And I don’t. It’s just…”
Lill waited, watching her carefully.
“It’s just I don’t want that to happen to me.”
Lill nodded and sat down on the bed next to her.
Deena stared past her. It was unlike her, and Lill wasn’t sure how she was supposed to respond. Deena seemed more like a child than one of the adults. Lill hesitated before reaching out and grabbing Deena’s hand.
Deena blinked a few times and looked down at their hands, and the tears began to spill over her cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” Lill said, pulling her hand back.
Deena shook her head. “No, it’s okay,” she said. But the tears wouldn’t stop.
Without realizing what she was doing, Lill began to hum. It was a soft, gentle sound, because she felt uncomfortable and also because she couldn’t take the risk that any of the other mothers on the floor would hear her. But the sound—a hymn she sometimes sang in assembly on Sundays—began to flow from her, softly filling the room. Deena stopped crying immediately, her eyes going to the young girl’s face, and they stared at each other as Lill continued to hum.
Then Lill opened her mouth and began to sing. It was still incredibly low, so soft she could barely hear herself as she whispered the words across the bed. But it was effective. Deena grasped her hands tighter, and a soft, peaceful expression took over her face. She slid down lower on the bed until she was lying down fully. With her free hand, Lill took the book that was sitting beside her and placed it on Mother Deena’s nightstand, then helped arrange the covers over the woman’s body. It felt wrong, tucking her in this way. They both knew it, and yet Lill could see the effect she was having on Deena and knew that she couldn’t stop. She kept going, letting the melodic sounds fill the room, as Deena settled peacefully into bed.
When her eyes drooped, Lill knew that she was going to fall asleep, and she launched into another verse. She trailed off as she saw that her mother was finally asleep.
She stood up, dropping Deena’s hand before turning the light out beside her. She was surprised to find that her own cheeks were damp with tears. She turned and walked back to the door, opening it slowly and scanning the hallways. There was nobody there. Jack was right—the kids definitely would have noticed Mother Deena downstairs—but it wasn’t too hard for her to go unnoticed up here. She slipped back into the stairwell and headed downstairs. She didn’t know how long she could keep this up, but she felt happy, as if she’d done the right thing.
She reached the ground floor and peered into the children’s wing. That door was always unlocked from the stairwell, and she quickly let herself inside. As she stepped through toward the first set of steel gates, she heard a noise behind her.
She whipped around and saw one of the other boys, Ellis, standing there, his eyes glued on her face.
“Hey,” she said, her heart pounding.
“Hey,” he said, stepping closer, a slight frown on his face. “Where were you?”
“Hmm?” she asked.
“Where were you?”
“Nowhere. I’m just going to bed.”
“You just came from the stairwell.”
“Oh, yeah, Mother Deena needed me to tell her about something from class. She just let me back in.”
He frowned. “Why did you all use the stairwell?” he asked. “That’s weird.”
Lill shrugged. “No reason.”
“It’s against the rules,” he said.
“I—” Lill stopped herself and squared her shoulders. “Are you gonna tell?”
Her heart was beating fast, but she knew she could handle this. Ellis was a quiet boy, one year older than her, and he always followed the rules.
But Lill had also seen him staring at her sometimes.
Lill stepped forward and reached out one hand to him. “Tell me you won’t say anything,” she said. “Please?”
Ellis blinked a few times, and a soft smile crossed his face. He reached out, took her hand in his, and nodded, his cheeks turning red.
“Okay,” he said. “I won’t tell. I promise.”