Nº 181 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 319]
12 October 1895. [Yasnaya Polyana]

These past days I have been walking around with a stone in my heart, but I dared not bring it up with you, fearing not only that it would upset you but would also drive me into the same condition which I was in last winter in Moscow. But I cannot help but tell you (for the last time — and I shall do my best to see that it is the last time) what causes me such terrible suffering. Why do you always treat me so spitefully when you mention my name in your diaries? Why do you wish future generations and our own grandchildren to vilify my name as a flighty, evil wife who makes you unhappy? After all, if [you think] it enhances your glory to be a victim, [have you ever considered] how that will ruin me?! If you simply swore at me or even beat me for everything I do which you deem bad, that would be incomparably easier for me — that would pass, but this will all remain.

After Vanechka’s death — (remember [he said]: “Papà, don’t ever hurt my mama”), you promised me you would cross out those spiteful words referring to me in your diaries. But you didn’t do that — quite the opposite. Or are you in fact afraid that your posthumous glory will be less if you don’t portray me as a torturer and yourself as a torture victim, bearing the cross in the person of [your] wife?

Forgive me if I stooped so low as to read your diary.³⁴⁴ I was pushed into it quite by chance. In cleaning your room and brushing the dust off your desk and the cobwebs from underneath, I [happened to] knock down a key. The temptation to peer into your soul was so great that I ended up doing it. And my eye lit, for example, upon words such as these: “S[onja] arrived from Moscow. She thrust herself into a conversation with Bool’,³⁴⁵ flaunting herself. She’s become even flightier after V[anechka’s] death. I must needs bear my cross to the end Help me, Lord.” and so forth…

When you and I are no longer alive, each one will interpret that [word] flightiness in their own way, and each one will throw mud at your wife thanks to your provoking this with your own words.

And this is all on account of [the fact] that I have lived my whole life only for you and your children, that I have loved you alone more than anyone else in the world (except for Vanechka), that I have not behaved myself with flightiness (as you are telling future generations) and that I shall die in body and soul only as your wife. I know that this [word] flightiness relates to religion, but who [else] is going to understand that?

I try to hold myself superior to the suffering which is so tormenting me at the moment; I am trying to face only God and my own conscience, to humble myself before the spitefulness of my beloved and, more than anything else, to remain in communion only with God, to “love them that hate us”, “as we forgive our debtors”, and “grant us to see our own wrong-doings and not to condemn my brother”, and to turn the right cheek when struck on the left… and God grant that I may indeed attain this exalted attitude.

But if it is not too difficult to do, — delete from all your diaries every spiteful reference to me. After all, this will just be a Christian [act]. To love me — that’s something I cannot ask of you, but to spare my name, if it’s not difficult, do this; however, it’s all up to you, even in this. Once again I am attempting to appeal to your heart. I am writing this with pain and tears. I shall never be able to speak it. Farewell. Every time I go away, I can’t help but think: will we see each other again?

Forgive me, if you can.

S. Tolstaya.

Nº 182 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 324]
29 October 1895. [Moscow]

I have just arrived from Korsh’s [Drama Theatre], where they put on The power of darkness.³⁴⁶ But so much depends on the performance and a sympathetic audience, as in Petersburg.³⁴⁷ Here the performance was mediocre, the audience cool, and I was only [able to] find comfort with the elderly Stakhovich,³⁴⁸ who was literally burning with enthusiasm for the play. He was there with his wife and his daughter Ogarëva. I received your little letter³⁴⁹ just before I left. It is brief, but again one that lets me feel the whole of you very close to me, and reachable, and kind, and understandable. Besides, I feel quite ashamed and sorry to tell you this, but for some reason I find joy in the fact that you have become disenchanted with your narrative.³⁵⁰ I’ve felt all along that it was contrived, and that it did not well up from the depths of your heart and talent. It was something you composed, but did not live. I would like something from you in which I can rejoice approvingly at every word of your piece, the way Akim³⁵¹ delights in the confession and repentance of his son. How I would like to lift you higher so that when people read you, they might feel they, too, need wings to fly to you, so that their heart might melt, and so that whatever you wrote would offend no one, but make things better, and so that your work might have an eternal character and fascination.

Here is a whole one-page recipe which you can follow in your writing. [Your] Childhood [Detstvo] was written according to this recipe. I shall be delighted now to read it over again in the proofs. I shall include it in an edition for children.

Today I went with the nanny in a hired carriage to visit Vanechka’s and Alësha’s graves. Perhaps I would not have gone [today], but, in the first place, my longing for Vanechka these days has quite overwhelmed me and, secondly, I had some business there. Kamolov³⁵² urgently asked me to petition for his son, who has [just] been conscripted, [to be allowed to] remain in Moscow. Nagornov³⁵³ promised [to help], but tomorrow is the final deadline, and Kamolov was to have been informed of it today. I went there for this purpose, and I’m very glad I went. It is always good for me to get out of the city to these quiet, solemn little graves, where I have buried everything that was precious to me in this world. It is good to remember [one’s values], although it is painful; and so I raise myself in my heart up to the world whereto my boys have departed. It’s strange, but every time I go, no matter how overcast the day, during those few minutes I spend there, the sun peers through even for just a moment. And that’s how it was today. And the fields are all white, covered with snow, as it was on the day of the funeral, only, of course, a lot less. The little graves are also snow-covered, from under which bright and strong flowers peer out caught by the frost in full bloom.

Tanja is unwell today, but did go to the theatre, and Vera Tolstaja,³⁵⁴ too. The boys are all right, they’re bearable. Misha was bad yesterday, but when I left and lay down, exhausted by the quarrel with him, he repented and asked forgiveness.

Farewell, dear friend. Tanja will tell you all about what’s happening; I simply wanted to have a heart-to-heart talk with you. Thank you, too, for the diaries;³⁵⁵ thanks, too, for the mental composure you have now given me. If only it could last forever! Hugs and kisses.

S. Tolstaya.

Nº 183 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/642]
2 November 1895. Yasnaya Polyana.

I sent the telegram. I very much would have liked to avoid all this fuss,³⁵⁶ but I can’t refuse. Your health is important. Why did you abandon treatment — baths, etc.? For God’s sake, don’t give them up. Nothing is important if you’re suffering bodily and mentally.³⁵⁷ Wouldn’t you like me to come to you? Everything is so insignificant in comparison with your health. Of course you should not receive any [visitors]. And for God’s sake wire me, and I’ll come to you at once. What you write about the boys is sad, but I’m not expecting anything else. And that’s all to the good.

For God’s sake, my dove, don’t hold anything in, don’t think about others, only of yourself. I would be happy to give up a lot for you, but unfortunately I don’t need to give up anything here, since coming to see you will be a joy [for me]. — The whole of the past two days I have been re-reading my diaries so as to delete what is untrue, and I found only one place, but even that is not nearly as dastardly as the ones that upset you.³⁵⁸ Hugs and kisses, my dove, and I await [your] letter.

L. T.

Nº 184 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/648]
22 February 1896. Nikol’skoe-Obol’janovo.

I am sitting down to write letters, and first of all I want to write to you, dear friend; otherwise I might not have enough strength left in me after [writing] the others. I feel very good, quite healthy; though I don’t know why — whether it’s a reaction to the nervous excitement of Moscow or simply old age — [I’m] weak, flaccid, I don’t feel like either working intellectually or moving around physically. True, today, the 22nd, I spent the morning, if not writing, then at least contemplating with interest and making notes…³⁵⁹ I don’t want to admit that I’m old and finished [with writing], but I probably ought to. I am trying to get to this [thought], and not overexert myself and damage my [health]. That’s enough about me. Still, I am very well, I’m enjoying the quiet and the kindness of my hosts. — How are you? Are Serëzha and Manja coming to see you from time to time? Has Masha left?³⁶⁰ How are your eyes? How are you spending your nights? Are you sleeping well? When we arrived here, there was nobody around but the old people³⁶¹ and Matil’da Pavlovna Mollas.³⁶² Liza was actually in Dmitrov at the gymnasium there, where she is a trustee. Yesterday she arrived [here]. — How is Mashen’ka [my] sister? When will she leave? I thought of her since right now I am experiencing the coldness of religious feelings I talked with her about. [You see,] for us oldsters who are close to death, this feeling of coldness is very unpleasant, especially when you know it is a feeling of the expansion of life beyond the borders of birth and death, and something you recently experienced. — I asked that Grot be told that in two places in the published letter³⁶³ where it says “be true in word and deed” the words “in thought” be added, so that it comes out as: “in thought, word and deed”. I forgot Lëvshin’s article³⁶⁴ and photographs; please forward them. Please send [any] letters, too, and anything else you consider important from the brochures and books we have received. And do send Aicard’s³⁶⁵ Notre Dame d’Amour, along with some English novels that were together with it. None of these are really necessary, and so if you don’t locate them right away, not to worry. Farewell for now, hugs and kisses to you and the newlyweds,³⁶⁶ [along with] Misha and Sasha. How’s Andrjusha? I hope he’s not a bother to you?

L. T.

On the envelope: Moscow. Khamovniki. Countess Sofia Andreevna Tolstaya. Private house.

Nº 185 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 331]
26 February 1896. Evening. [Moscow]

Dear Lëvochka, thank you for the long, good, frank letter;³⁶⁷ it is always precious for me to know exactly what kind of mood you are in, though this time it upset me: you write that you are listless and weak both physically and spiritually, that [you’re in] a cold religious mood, and even the natural surroundings and peaceful quiet of the country has evidently not cheered you up. Winter in the country always seems to me not so much ‘all right’ as majestic and peaceful, especially in the woods. I hope you will awake to life and not give in any longer. You yourself said that there is no such thing as old age, — so don’t you give in, that way it won’t happen. Perhaps it will not please you to hear that I, on the other hand, whether from fasting, or remembering the sacred event of Vanechka’s death… — but all this week of my strict fast I have felt remarkably well, quietly in harmony with religion. I’ve been to the church from two to four times a day. [I have heard] wonderful Lenten prayers, and the church service is something special. We don’t have any singers in our church,³⁶⁸ and I like it better when the vicar reads in a monotone — it reminds me of my childhood. At home I read the Gospel and prayer books. I kept thinking that Vanechka was joining me from that heavenly realm, and on the eve of Communion Day I saw him in a dream, only sad — for some reason I always picture him as sad. — On Communion Day I rose at 6 o’clock in the morning and went to mass. They started the service early since at 9 o’clock the priests were called to give their blessing to the Snegirëv Clinic.³⁶⁹ At 9 I came home and slept until 11:30. I seemed to see my whole communion mass as though it had been a dream. When I got up, Sasha and the servants — everyone greeted me — though I didn’t understand at first what the occasion was. — Throughout the week of my fast I hardly saw anyone; both my eyes hurt fearfully, and I walked to church with a bandage on my eye and a lotion-soaked cloth in my pocket. And so I did little writing or reading, and sometimes felt quite bored, pacing the room without purpose, people or [fresh] air. I could not go out in the wind and bright sunshine. I did go to see Krjukov³⁷⁰ and he gave me silver nitrate and mercuric chloride in a cloth. Now [the condition] has all passed, and Sasha and I are going skating tomorrow, although this is not entirely prudent; I am not completely free of women’s complaints — [my period] was three weeks late. It was back at Tver’³⁷¹ that I fell ill, [the period] stopped, but now I feel quite free and physically well; my head has stopped hurting.

Tomorrow it will be a whole week that you have all been gone. Please stay healthy and cheerful, so that your trip is completely successful. My life is not at all difficult; I’m very busy, with lots of friends; I’m not at all bored at the moment, only definitely do write to me. [For my part,] I am to blame for writing so rarely, but brief telephone messages³⁷² are somehow not satisfying, and only provoke disappointment that I am not hearing your genuine heartfelt voice.

Many letters have come all at once, and I am sending them on. I am sending you the book Notre dame de l’amour, please bring it back with you. Mme Junge³⁷³ borrowed the English novel and hasn’t returned it yet. Nothing terribly interesting has come. Still no letters from Lëva.³⁷⁴ Read the letter [I wrote] to Tanja; it will complement what I have written here. In the meantime, hugs and kisses; I am still transcribing your narrative, but my eyes have held me back. There are fewer than three chapters left [to copy]. Well, farewell, dear friend; give everyone my regards, especially Anna Mikhajlovna,³⁷⁵ whom I sincerely thank for [hosting] all of you.

Your Sonja Tolstaya.

Nº 186 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/651]
3 March 1896. Nikol’skoe-Obol’janovo.

It is now Sunday evening, 3rd March, and we have received another letter from you,³⁷⁶ dear Sonja. I knew that when I wrote reproaching you,³⁷⁷ my reproach would be unfounded and that you would [indeed] write. I see that everything is well with you, both outwardly and inwardly. I wanted to tell you that your tendency to forget yourself, though quite natural, is not sound enough in that, when you forget yourself, you only put off answering the question, but the same question remains, and still has to be answered — [if] not in this world, then in the next, i.e. after the death of the flesh. As the spiritualists say, if you kill yourself, you will still have to deal with the same life as in this [world]: you cannot avoid answering the question of life and death for yourself and your loved ones — you won’t get away from that. I wanted to tell all this to you, but I’m not saying it, because you yourself will have to experience all this and come to this [same realisation]. One thing I’ll say: that it is an amazingly good [sensation] when you not so much understand clearly but, [rather,] feel clearly, that life is not limited to this [earthly life], but is infinite. And so right away you have a different evaluation of all things and feelings, like coming out from a confined prison into the light of God, the true light. I [feel] more sprightly and got a bit of work done today, I want to go for a walk and keep drinking in the silence and freedom from human demands. Tanja, it seems, is also doing well. Lëva is very touching;³⁷⁸ I want to write to him again. Hugs and kisses, dear, and to Sasha and Masha.

L. T.

On the envelope: Moscow. Khamovniki. Countess Sofia Andreevna Tolstaya.

Nº 187 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 334]
5 March 1896. [Moscow]

Dear friend Lëvochka, today Countess Miljutina³⁷⁹ came by and didn’t find me in; I was at a music lesson, and now I shall take all the letters to her myself. An awful lot of books have come, too, but I am not forwarding them. I [received] a postcard today saying that you are returning on Saturday, and I got frightened [to think] that possibly I was the one who was calling for you with my question. Please, my dear, if you feel better and work more easily in the countryside, don’t hurry [home] for me. I am living well and am very busy; it’s just that occasionally, when I stop my feverish activity and come to my senses all alone by myself, with my memories, my old age and fear for the future, I suddenly have this unbearable feeling of longing. But that is a weakness, and generally I feel buoyant. Only when people marvel over my energy, so-called, I feel ashamed, and I know within myself that not only do I not have any energy, but I am weak — so weak that very quickly I can revert to last year’s February madness, which I mulled over in horror the other day when I was at the requiem for Nagornov,³⁸⁰ at the same [Novo]devichij convent which has been so strongly etched into my memory. — And see, I keep going on about myself — that’s a weakness, too.

Manja³⁸¹ is sitting here with me and reading your narrative which I am just finishing transcribing. Serëzha and Vasja Maklakov³⁸² are playing a four-handed Mendelssohn overture which I bought. Sasha has just come in from the garden where she was skating; Misha was out riding and has now got down to his studies. [I have just received] a very anxious and fussy letter from Lëva with instructions on sending documents, and questions about who’s coming to the wedding,³⁸³ with particulars as to where and when it will take place (1 June N.S.). I’ll take care of everything for him, but as this event draws nearer, I’m getting just a little fearful and excited. Marriage is a big step.

You were writing me³⁸⁴ that the question of life and death needs to be answered now and not put off, and there should be no attempt to forget it. But the whole point is not in answering the question: as far as I’m concerned, it was already answered a long time ago in the same sense in which you yourself are answering it — i.e. in the sense of eternity and infinite life in God. But it is very hard to stay at the height of this attitude, and the sensations of painful loss, the joys of earthly temptations and feverish activity — and all purely earthly sensations in general — try to snare [us] in a trap on all sides, and this is where my much-touted energy might help me, but I don’t have enough of it, and as a result [I feel] melancholy and frustration.

[Aleksandr Nikiforovich] Dunaev has come; Manja and Serëzha are leaving, no more time to write. Hugs and kisses to you, my dear friend. To Tanja, too; I still haven’t managed to write her, but I think of her a lot, and often miss her, in spite of her strictness towards me. Farewell — if you come on Saturday, I shall be very happy; if not, God be with you. Only don’t travel in a snowstorm or when you’re not completely healthy. Let me know if you cancel your trip. Why on Saturday, when there may be [a lot of] visitors? In any case, I would dissuade [you], even though I myself am afraid I might not see you for a long time.

Your Sonja Tolstaya.

Farewell, you’ll be back soon now.

Nº 188 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 337]
9 September 1896. [Moscow]

Dear friend Lëvochka, I just saw Stasov³⁸⁵ off, who brought me your letter. And your letter would have prolonged my meek, loving mood and attitude to you, if it were not for what [Stasov] told me about the articles you read to him. My whole soul clouded over at once and I was overwhelmed by a dreary sense of despair. Even though Stasov strongly and overly loudly praised your speech and your boldness, along with everything you write, yet I got the impression from it all, including your letter to Van der Veer³⁸⁶ (it seems) and your letter to the liberals,³⁸⁷ that this is a provocative challenge: “Just try and touch me!”

And this challenge (especially from the Christian point of view) is not only [not] helpful to anyone, but is in itself harmful, unkind and dangerous. Besides, it is some kind of boyish tomfoolery, bravado. It turns an artist, or philosopher, or serious religious teacher into a cockamamie hack. If you only knew how such antics and articles (as Stasov outlined for me in detail) tear me apart and frighten me, and how much they diminish my love and respect for you! All at once I cease to believe in your heart and your teachings, and I see [only] that youngster full of untempered zeal, vices and pride that you used to be, judging by your [early] diaries, in your youth. Throw off your zeal, don’t send these letters, for God’s sake, I beg of you. You won’t change anything in people’s lives. Let your writings live on as your legacy, but don’t aggravate anyone, don’t torment me, or put all our lives and peace at risk.

I have never asked anything of you this urgently before. At least wait until I come on Saturday and show me what you want to write. You should write your catechesis³⁸⁸ and be meek and humble; [think] how much better and worthy that would be. It’s time to calm down and love people, and not provoke them.

Farewell. I am very upset and worried, and on account of my pain I cannot love you today.

S. Tolstaya.

Nº 189 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/658]
September 1896. Yasnaya Polyana.

This morning, dear friend Sonja, I received your brief letter,³⁸⁹ and was a little upset by your weakness, but then I was delighted to see that you had overcome it. You have a great deal of strength — not only physical but moral, too — only you are still missing something little and the most important, which will still come, I am confident. I shan’t be anything but sad in the next world, when all this will come about after my death. Many are upset that glory will not come to them until after death; I have no reason to desire that; — I would give up not just a lot, but any glory if only you could agree with my heart during my lifetime the way you will agree with it after my death. The day after your departure I thought of you and wanted to respond to your claim that you have nothing to live for.³⁹⁰ Perhaps I shall write at some point or tell you my thoughts on this. It’s better to write, since I can think things through better. Well, enough of that. I am quite healthy; not only healthy, but my spirit is far more cheerful than it has been in a long time; I have been working splendidly and, it seems, I have completed my rough draft of my outline of faith, at least to the point that, if I should die without correcting it, people will still understand what I wanted to say. Now I want to write something different, and I’ve [already] begun. Not only am I healthy in body but I am completely at peace in spirit, not the way I was during your previous absence. Tanja arrived early this morning cheerful and sprightly, and happy with her trip.³⁹¹ Kolasha³⁹² and Andrjusha also arrived. The Japanese [visitors] have been here since this morning. Very interesting: fully educated, original, smart and free-thinking. One³⁹³ is the editor of a magazine, evidently very rich and a [Japanese] aristocrat, getting along in years; the other, a younger chap, is his assistant, likewise a writer. They had a lot to talk about, and now they are leaving. It’s too bad that you weren’t [here] to see them, too. The weather is still fine. [People] are playing tennis, and taking horseback rides. Yesterday I went to Tula, but Davydov wasn’t there and I returned at once. Hugs and kisses to you and [our son] Misha. I am very glad for him, if the transition to the lycée will help him become more conscientious. — Though I don’t accept the need to rely on external change to [bring about] inner change, but I admit that it can sometimes be useful. God grant. Oh, how good it would be if he really changed a great deal, especially if he could understand that people are not predestined to be served by [others], but to serve [others], and that your joy in life is not in what you take from people but what you give them. That is undoubtedly how our lives are structured, and one would have to be a real dimwit not to see that. Only children up to [our] grandson Misha’s age are forgiven for not seeing it. Hugs and kisses to you both.

L. T.

26th, evening. With the Japanese [visitors].

Nº 190 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/667]
31 October 1896. Kozlova-Zaseka.

I wanted to write you today, dear friend, but I initially fell asleep, then in the evening I went for a walk in the snow, and so I became exhausted, and didn’t manage to [get around to it]. Now I’ve come to meet Tanja at Kozlovka (how grand it is in a two-horse sleigh [travelling] through deep, soft snow). Upon reaching there, I borrowed a piece of paper from the station manager and am writing you. I have just received your wire³⁹⁴ about [Vasilij Alekseevich] Maklakov’s arrival, and hence, if there is no letter from you on the Moscow train, which is late and hasn’t arrived either, Maklakov will bring one, and I shall hear news from you. I never cease living with you in thought. Yesterday I received your letter to Tanja.³⁹⁵ All this past while I have not been in good health — a weak stomach and despondency and dullness of thought — no work [is getting done].

Yesterday I received letters from Chertkov³⁹⁶ and Tregubov³⁹⁷ with descriptions of the calamities being suffered by the Doukhobors. One of them, they write, was whipped to death in a disciplinary battalion, while their families, as they write, have been driven to destitution, and are dying out from homelessness, famine and cold. They have written an appeal³⁹⁸ for help from society, and I have decided to send them a thousand roubles out of our charitable fund. This money will find no better use, and they will thank you that you solicited these funds contrary to my will. So when you come, you can bring this money, or wait until I confer with Chertkov as to where to send it. It will probably be forwarded through Princess Nakashidze,³⁹⁹ who has already forwarded funds to them from the Quakers.

This news is the main event for me at this time. I have also written a letter to the Head of a Caucasus battalion.⁴⁰⁰ The train is coming. Hugs and kisses, dear friend. I await all good and joyful news from you. Our people here are healthy. Dora is disappointed that she will have to wait another month before she can have children.⁴⁰¹

L. T.

31 Oct. 1896.

On the envelope: Moscow. Khamovniki. Countess Sofia Andreevna Tolstaya. Private house.

Nº 191 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/669]
12 November 1896. Yasnaya Polyana.

12 November, morning.

I haven’t written to you for a whole day, dear friend, and I’m already missing you. Writing is better than thinking, it only brings us closer. I received your little letter⁴⁰² in which you write about being exhausted and in ill health, and not getting to sleep until 4 o’clock [in the morning]. That’s all very bad. And this is the hardest thing that torments me when I am away from you. Everything here is fine and peaceful. I shan’t say it is especially cheerful, but it is not bad. Kolja and Mar’ja Aleksandrovna Dubenskaja⁴⁰³ are visiting. In my view, even though they are not a bother, they are still superfluous, and it’s better without them. The girls have been very busy and this makes life here more interesting for them. But they work a lot, and I am always delighted in them. — I heard from Ivan Mikhajlovich Tregubov and [Vladimir Grigor’evich] Chertkov as to where to send money to the Doukhobors, as well as details of their calamitous situation. I’m enclosing this letter. I think that very soon there will be an outpouring of sympathy for them, along with help, and it would be good to get started. The money is to be sent as follows: Tiflis, Malo-Karganovskaja [Street], Nº 11. Prince Il’ja Petrovich Nakashidze, and inside the envelope, on the paper the money is wrapped in, to write: for E. P. N. — E. P. N. is Elena Petrovna Nakashidze, and she gave this address. Please send these funds. They are needed. I think I told you about a particular precious ink-pot which they wanted to send me as a gift from some club in Barcelona. I sent them [a letter] through Tanja, saying that I would prefer the money designated for this be used for a good cause. And here they reply that, after receiving my letter, they opened a subscription in their club and collected 22,500 francs, which they are offering to me to use at my discretion. I am writing them⁴⁰⁴ that I am very grateful, and have just the occasion to use this money — to help the Doukhobors. What will become of this, I don’t know. It’s very strange. And the ink-pot, they say, has [already] been ordered, and “we shall send it in any case, you can sell it and use the money as you wish”.

I feel entirely healthy and buoyant. I go riding after lunch. Yesterday I went to see Gil’,⁴⁰⁵ and petitioned on behalf of a mother whose son perished in a mine, as well as for those who are being sued for legal costs — 270 roubles from one and 250 from the other — for one having broken his back and the other his leg. And it seems my petitions have not been without success.

My works — I write in the plural, since there be many that I have started⁴⁰⁶ — are not going too successfully, but not badly either.

I finished a rough draft of my article on art, and once Masha finishes transcribing it, I shall try to edit it into its final form. — Why do you write so little about [our] mysterious [son] Misha? I’ve been thinking about him all day long. How it’s all changed! For me in my youth life away from home, at boarding school, would have seemed something terrible, but he enjoys it.⁴⁰⁷ How is he? Hugs and kisses to all three of you.

L. T.

Nº 192 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 346]
13 November 1896. [Moscow]

Dear Lëvochka, it’s been so long since I’ve received any letters, and then the other day I received three letters all at once: yours⁴⁰⁸ — a good long one, like the ones I love because I feel you [in them], then one from Lëva, and the other from Masha.⁴⁰⁹ I, too, feel like writing you a good letter but I shan’t be able to, since I am very much in a cranky mood these days (today is better); I’m weeping, running up to four hours [at a time] through the streets to the point of exhaustion (there’s always some business [to take care of]) and having fitful sleeps. Yesterday I cried ever since morning, as they were watering the rink and I had especially vivid recollections of Vanechka, and on top of that Liza and Varja⁴¹⁰ were talking about him, and I was quite beside myself. This can go on for days, especially when I am unable to play or listen to music. Yesterday’s concert was cancelled on account of Gol’denvejzer’s⁴¹¹ illness and, despite my whiny mood, yesterday was especially pleasant for me: Lizan’ka and Varichka and Masha Kolokol’tsova⁴¹² came for dinner, along with Masha Maklakova and her husband⁴¹³ (such dear young and joyful people, so much in love with each other), as well as Masha Tolstaja.⁴¹⁴ Misha also asked for leave from the lycée to attend the dinner, so there ended up being more guests than ever. Most of the time there are just the four of us: Mlle Aubert,⁴¹⁵ Sasha, Jusha⁴¹⁶ and I. Jusha moves the day after tomorrow; his mother was here the other evening, and at the same time Sergej Ivanovich Taneev⁴¹⁷ was here, and later [Aleksandr Nikiforovich] Dunaev came. Taneev, Dunaev and I analysed, that is, together read over and discussed Solov’ëv’s article,⁴¹⁸ and Dunaev cried out with a loud voice, trying to put his own interpretation on everything and saying that I didn’t understand Solov’ëv’s underlying thought and that I was putting my own interpretation on everything — this he could agree with if that’s how it actually was with Solov’ëv. — We took tea upstairs; Sergej Ivanovich played shuttlecock with Sasha, Misha and Jusha, but didn’t play the piano; the children also chased whirligigs. Sergej Ivanovich and Dunaev left quite early, at the same time.

Today I took my music lesson with Miss Welsh, and all day I’ll be staying at home; but this evening I shall go to the Shidlovskijs,⁴¹⁹ whom I have not visited yet. Yesterday Verochka Severtsova⁴²⁰ was here with Miss McCarthy⁴²¹ and reproached me for not visiting my relatives’. Tomorrow there will be a concert by Igumnov,⁴²² and perhaps I shall take Sasha, if her teachers are happy with her [school performance]. Misha, too, wanted to come; tomorrow is a royal holiday,⁴²³ and he will be spending the whole day at home; I don’t know whether they would release him for the evening, too.

Yesterday morning I was awakened by Andrjusha; he was on his way to the Kursk Railway Terminal [in Moscow], apparently to see his girlfriend again. Terribly sad — why on earth do they let him out on leave?! Only for two days; he travelled fourth class, won’t sleep for three days, he’s thin and pale. I feel I should write to the regiment [and tell them] not to allow him leave — though I don’t know whether that would be any better — what do you think? It was his arrival yesterday that drove me into this nervous mental state, but today I feel easier, though I am again waiting to see him on his way back.

None of you have said anything yet about [your] arrival, and I have no opinion whatsoever about that. If it is better for you [personally], and it’s probably better for the girls, then don’t think about me; somehow [my mind] has been dulled to everything, except [to make sure] all my loved ones are fine. Are you working, [Lëvochka,] and how are your spirits, and how is your health? I don’t remember whether I wrote you about Posha, how he was here and went to Petersburg. Petja Raevskij also came once to see me. Tomorrow I shall be paying return visits to some ladies. Yesterday I was at Mme Junge’s; she’s still ill, like Marija Aleksandrovna,⁴²⁴ and really pitiful. I was at Varichka’s, she has her hands full, doesn’t know how to do anything and is worried. Something was stolen from her — a new dress — and she’s very upset. Well, dear friend, forgive my detailed letter; [I wrote it] so that you would understand my life and feel [the real] me. Hugs and kisses to you and the children.

S. T.

Andrjusha has just returned but keeps mum about his trip. Terribly sad!

Nº 193 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/673]
1 February 1897. Nikol’skoe-Obol’janovo.

1 February, evening.

Dear friend Sonja,

Tanja wrote you⁴²⁵ about our trip and how we are living [here], the outward [events], whereas I want to write you about what [really] interests you — about my inner mental state.

I was sad when I left, and you could feel this and so you came, but your [presence] did not dissipate my heavy feeling but, rather, increased it. You spoke to me to calm me down, then said that you weren’t going to the rehearsal.⁴²⁶ For a long time I couldn’t understand: which rehearsal? and had never thought about this. And this was all painful. Unpleasant — actually, more than unpleasant — to know that, despite the amount of time you were deliberating and deciding when to go to Petersburg, it ended up that you are going just at the wrong time. I know that you did not do this on purpose — it was all done unconsciously, as always happens with people obsessed with a single thought. I know that nothing [untoward] will happen on account of your trip, but you are unconsciously playing on this, you are working yourself up, and you’re also being worked up by my reaction to it. And you are playing on this. This game (I admit) is terribly tormenting to me (and humiliating and frightfully exhausting on a moral level). You will say that you had no alternative in planning your trip. But if you think about it and analyse it for yourself, you will see that is not true: in the first place, there was no special reason for the trip; secondly, you could have gone either before or after Lent.

But you do this unconsciously all by yourself. It is terribly painful and humiliatingly shameful that a complete stranger⁴²⁷ — whom we don’t need at all and is of no interest [to us] — is governing our lives, poisoning the last years or [even the very last] year of our life [together] so humiliatingly and tormentingly that we have to take stock of when and where he is going and what rehearsals he is playing.

It is terrible, terrible, repulsive and shameful. And it is coming right at the end of our lives — lives lived well, cleanly, and just when we were drawing closer and closer together, despite everything that could divide us. This coming together began a long time ago, even before Vanechka’s death, and was becoming tighter and tighter, especially in recent times, and then all of a sudden, instead of such a natural, good and joyful conclusion to our life of 35 years [together], this repulsive filth put its horrid stamp on everything. I know that it is hard for you and that you are suffering, too, because you love me and want to be good, but up to now you haven’t been able to, and for me (it is all repulsive and shameful and) I feel terribly sorry for you, because I love you with the very best love, which is not from the flesh nor from reason, but from my very soul.

Farewell and forgive, dear friend.

Hugs and kisses.

L. T.

Destroy this letter.

In any case, write me and write more often.

Why do I write? In the first place, to express myself and relieve myself; the other reason — the main one — is to tell you and remind you about the whole meaning of those insignificant acts which constitute what is tormenting us, to help you save yourself from the terrible hypnotised condition in which you are living.

This can end all by itself through someone’s death, — in any case, that would be a terrible end for both the one who dies and the one left behind, or it can end freely, through an inner transformation taking place in one of us. This change cannot take place in me: I cannot stop seeing what I see in you, since I see your condition very clearly; neither can I be indifferent to this. In that case — [i.e. if I were] to be indifferent — I would have to erase our whole past life [together] and rip out of my heart all those feelings I have for you. And this is something I am not only unwilling to do but incapable of doing. Hence just one solution is left, namely that you awaken from this fearful state of somnambulance you find yourself in, and return to a normal natural life. May God help you in this! I am ready to help you with all my strength — just teach me how [I can help].

For you to drop in on the way to Petersburg — I think you’d better not. It’s better to come and see me on the way back. We saw each other quite recently, and I cannot help having negative feelings in connection with your trip. And I’m feeling weak and am afraid of myself. Better for you to drop in on the way home. You always say to me: “Be calm”, and that insults and upsets me. I trust your honesty completely, and if I desire to know [something] about you, it’s not because I don’t trust you — I just want to determine how bound or free you are.

On the envelope: Moscow. Khamovniki Lane. Countess Sofia Andreevna Tolstaya. Private house.

Nº 194 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 347]
16 February 1897. [Moscow]

If I could have yesterday, during my departure, written you everything that I thought about you and our relationship, you would have clearly understood what is taking place in my heart. Now, however, I can neither remember nor say anything; I have been suddenly overwhelmed by life from all sides with its practical demands, and this letter will be but a piece of paper from me (it makes me feel very sorry), rather than thoughts and feelings.

I am glad that you’ve finally admitted that I live by feelings alone. You keep appealing to my reason and I well know that whatever I have not been able to think through with my reason has [always] been re-arranged by my heart. — Before you exhausted me with this latest unpleasant conversation,⁴²⁸ I wrote our children a very heartfelt [letter] about how, when you have been cut off from so many friends,⁴²⁹ we should be as close to you as possible and try to lessen the pain of their absence for you. And how many times it’s happened in my life, that the more fervently I have approached my heartfelt relationship to you, the more coldly and painfully you thrust me aside. There was nothing particularly insulting in your words, but the animosity in your tone of voice, the reproaches which could be felt in everything, betrayed a lot of spiteful bitterness, which at once fell upon my tender heart and immediately cooled it. And what a shame that is!

How have you been spending this whole day, how is your health? I didn’t want to leave you alone, and now I urge you to send me news of yourself more often. I have 26 printer’s sheets of proofs to go through,⁴³⁰ a mountain of letters [to read] and instructions [to give], Sasha’s costume, other people’s requests — there is so much to be done that I don’t know how I am going to cope. — Again, life will be rushing along at frightening speed and leaving [a trail of] emptiness behind it. Tanja will tell you various stories, like Tanja Nagornova’s wedding⁴³¹ and so forth. —

When I was on the train, a man jumped out the window of a 3rd-class carriage while the train was in motion and ran off so quickly that no one could catch up to him. I was very frightened, when suddenly they stopped the train.

I got a desperate letter from Andrjusha:⁴³² he is not allowed leave and his commander is displeased with him, and I see he is in despair. I already wrote to the commander, asking that [Andrjusha] be given leave for three days; I don’t know whether they will release him [or not]. Farewell, dear friend, hugs and kisses to you. I await your letter.

Sonja.

Nº 195 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/675]
17 February 1897. Nikol’skoe-Obol’janovo.

My letter went out yesterday.⁴³³ I am writing what I think and, most importantly, what I feel. Today is Tuesday — I got up listless, not cheerful, but healthy, and I hope [I can] work. If only I could return to the condition I was in back before Petersburg. — For God’s sake, don’t blame yourself for anything, since neither do I think to blame you; I blame only myself and very much in relation to you. Well, farewell for now, hugs and kisses, and, the main thing, take care of yourself, don’t wear yourself out with proofreading, and be sure to summon me if you’re not feeling well. — Write more details about the children; I don’t know anything but yesterday’s old postcards. So that’s it.

L. T.

I want to write more to you following our conversation on the telephone. Sad, sad, terribly sad. I feel like weeping. There’s probably a great deal of physical weakness involved, but still it’s sad. There’s nothing I want to do or can do. But don’t think you were the cause of anything. The very reason I am writing is because in this feeling there is not the slightest hint of reproach or condemnation of you; [and besides,] there’s absolutely no reason for anything like that. On the contrary, there is much in you — [for example,] your attitude toward Chertkov and Birjukov — that gladdens me. I have said that there is no way to influence you with logic, as [is true for] women in general, and logic irritates you [women], like some kind of illegitimate invasion. But it would be unjust to say that one cannot communicate with women through logic; one should say, [one cannot communicate with women] through logic alone or through basing one’s demands for them on logic. One cannot put logic ahead of feelings; one must, on the contrary, put feelings first. In any case I know nothing; I know [only] that it is painful to me that I have caused you pain, and I would like there to be none of this, and, apart from physical causes or together with physical causes, this makes me very sad. This [mood] will pass from me. And if it should [haunt] you, write [to me], my dear, and I shall have the great joy of feeling that I’m needed. That’s it. I’m being called to dinner.

L. T.

On the envelope: Moscow. Khamovniki. Countess S. A. Tolstaya. Private house.

Nº 196 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 354]
6 May 1897. [Moscow]

Though Masha will be telling you, dear friend, everything about our day-to-day life, I know in myself how pleasant it is to receive a letter when someone comes, and so I’m writing to you.

I spent a marvellous day today as I was with the children and Nature: with children both living and dead. This morning I took the tram to the Arbat Gates, hired a carriage and went to the graves of my children with Sasha,⁴³⁴ Sonja Kolokol’tsova⁴³⁵ and our Verochka.⁴³⁶ Along the way, at Vsesvjatskoe, we bought a whole bunch a flowers (bedding plants) and I brought them all to the graves. There, as usual, a great number of [local] little girls gathered around me and together with our girls they hauled earth and water to make a flower-bed and water the flowers which we planted. Then I took five snapshots of the graves. Then we went to our Kamolovs’⁴³⁷ for tea and eggs; we gave the children candy, gingerbread and pieces of [coloured] fabric, and then went to Pokrovskoe[-Streshnevo] to have a walk. At Pokrovskoe it was sad to see the hostility of the estate owner⁴³⁸ [manifest] everywhere: everything is fenced off by barbed wire; everywhere there are hostile guards, and the only place to go for walks is along wide, dusty roads. In the morning as we were leaving [home], Sergej Ivanovich came to tutor Misha,⁴³⁹ and we left him to work with Misha, for whom Sergej Ivanovich provided great encouragement.

Now it’s after eight, we’ve returned and just had dinner. Sonja Kolokol’tsova and Verochka say that this has been the happiest day of their lives [to date] this year. I can’t get over how joyful they were! It was good for me, too; I heard the nightingales, saw and felt only the children, and today it was as though my heart returned to its normal place, while last night I felt an unbearable longing, as though something inside me had gone completely off track, but today things once again hummed along smoothly and calmly.

I wanted to go to Yasnaya, but I held back. I very much want to see you — [I know that] I’m missing something in this marvellous spring, something that can never be brought back, ever. In any case, I want again and again to layer this feeling of spring onto the feeling of Yasnaya Polyana — of Nature so familiar, beloved and full of memories.

There is a huge amount of proofreading to be done,⁴⁴⁰ of even horrific proportions. Now I shall be reading together with Marija Vasil’evna,⁴⁴¹ who had gone to Serpukhov, and came back this afternoon.

I am sending Lëva 50 roubles. Masha took care of some other requests. That miserable Sukhotin —he has no pity for his wife,⁴⁴² even as a human being. A dry, miserable soul! He is only interested in chasing girls. At some point I shall love him in my own way, as he takes such pains to flatter me, to pull the wool over my eyes. But he will never deceive my true sense, and I still hate him.

But, apart from that, big hugs and kisses to you and Tanja, as well as to Lëva and Dora. I very much want to see you all.

S. Tolstaya.

Nº 197 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/681]
12–13 May 1897. Yasnaya Polyana.

Read by yourself.

How was your trip and how are you doing now, my friend? Your arrival left such a strong, cheerful and good impression, too good even for me, since I am missing you [now even] more strongly [than before].

My awakening and your appearance — this is one of the strongest, happiest experiences I have ever had, and that at 69 years from a 53-year-old woman.

Yesterday I sent several Molokans off with a [special] letter and [some other] letters.⁴⁴³ Methinks this letter should not insult the Tsar. What I read to you and you found risky, I threw out. Twice today we had a marvellous thunderstorm and downpour. Summer is in a hurry to come to life — the lilacs are already fading, the lime-trees are flourishing [in preparation for the bees], turtle-doves and orioles [can be heard] in the thick foliage in the depths of the garden, and the nightingale under the window is amazingly melodious. And now it is night, the stars are clear as though sprinkled [by water], and there is a fragrance of lilac and birch leaves after the rain. Serëzha arrived the same evening you left; he knocked at my window, and I joyfully cried out “Sonja!”. No, [it was] Serëzha. We are all getting along, and everyone’s delighted. My work is coming along not too badly. This evening I feel pretty peppy and my head almost doesn’t hurt at all. Perhaps my illness is simply old age. Today Marija Aleksandrovna [Shmidt] was here. Masha and Tanja are going to Tula tomorrow. If Russkie vedomosti carries Bulanzhe’s⁴⁴⁴ article on the Doukhobors, please send it.

Farewell, hugs and kisses to you — and Masha,⁴⁴⁵ and [our son] Misha — how’s Misha doing? Has he calmed down? If he is in love and his love is returned, he must have been studying very well, since he [should feel] calm and cheerful.

Well, that’s all. It’s now after midnight on the 13th.

L. T.

On the envelope: Moscow. Khamovniki 21. Countess Sofia Andreevna Tolstaya.

Nº 198 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/683]
19 May 1897. Yasnaya Polyana [Letter not received by SAT].

19 May. Night.

My dear and precious Sonja.

Your closeness with Taneev is not simply unpleasant for me — it’s frighteningly tormenting. By continuing to live in such conditions, I am poisoning and shortening my life. It’s been a year now that I have not been able to work and have not been living, but constantly tormenting myself. You know that. I have said this to you with irritation, and with entreaties, and for the last while I haven’t said anything at all. I’ve tried everything, and nothing has helped: [your] closeness [with Taneev] continues and is even increasing. I can see that that’s how it will go on right to the end. I can’t take it any more. Initially upon receiving your latest letter, I decided I would leave [you]. And over the course of three days I lived with this thought and re-lived it, and decided that no matter how hard separation from you would be, I would at least be delivered from that terrible situation of humiliating suspicions, jerkings and heartwrenchings and would be in a condition to live [as I wish] and to do what I feel I need to do [at least] at the end of my life. And I decided to leave, but when I thought of you — not of how painful it would be for me to be apart from you, painful as that might be, — but of how it would upset and torment you, how you would suffer, I realised that I can’t do this, I can’t leave you without your agreement.

The situation is like this: to go on living the way we are living now is almost impossible for me. I say ‘almost’ impossible, since moment by moment I feel as though I am losing self-control and at any moment I might go astray and do something bad: I can’t think without horror about carrying on with these almost physical sufferings which I am experiencing and cannot help experiencing.

You know this, maybe you’ve occasionally forgotten, or wanted to forget, but knew, and you are a good woman and you love me; nevertheless you did not want to — [though] I still think you could have [if you had wanted to] — save either me or yourself from these unnecessary, horrible sufferings.

What to do? Decide for yourself. Think it over yourself and decide what to do. Ways out of this situation seem to me to be the following: 1) the best would be to cease any kind of relations — and not gradually but without imagining how this might appear to others and in such a way as to free ourselves completely and immediately from this terrible nightmare which has been strangling us for a whole year now. No meetings, no letters, no little boys, no portraits, no mushroom[-hunting] with Anna Ivanovna,⁴⁴⁶ no Pomerantsev,⁴⁴⁷ but complete liberation, as Masha liberated herself from Zander⁴⁴⁸ and Tanja from Popov.⁴⁴⁹ That is one [option] and the best. [2)] A second solution would be for me to go abroad and completely part ways with you, and each of us live a life independently of the other. This solution would be the most difficult, though it is nevertheless feasible and, in any case, a thousand times easier for me than continuing with the life we have been living this [past] year.

[3)] A third solution would be [for you] to cease all relations with Taneev, and you and I both go abroad and live there until what has been the cause of all [our troubles] blows over.

[4)] The fourth is not a solution but the most frightening choice, which I cannot [even] think of without a sense of horror and despair; it would be to continue to live as we have this [past] year, assuring ourselves that this will pass and that there is nothing [happening] of any significance. You yourself, not being conscious of this, would seek out all means of getting together [with Taneev], while I would look on, observe, guess and torment myself — not with jealousy — maybe there is that feeling, too, but it’s not paramount. The main thing, as I told you, is shame for you and for myself. It’s the same feeling I had regarding Tanja’s [relationship] with Popov, [her flirtation] with [Mikhail Aleksandrovich] Stakhovich, only a hundred times more painful. [5)] The fifth solution is the one you were proposing: that I should stop looking at the situation the way I do and wait for everything to blow over on its own, if there is anything [to blow over], as you put it. I’ve [already] tried this fifth solution and am convinced that I am unable to destroy in myself this feeling that torments me, as long as the incidents provoking [such a feeling] continue.

I’ve been experiencing this over the course of a year, and have tried with all my heart and soul and could not, and I know I cannot. On the contrary, the blows [I have suffered], all hitting one and the same spot, have brought pain in the extreme. You write⁴⁵⁰ that it is painful for you to see Gurevich,⁴⁵¹ despite [the fact] that the feeling [you imagined I had for her] was completely unfounded and in any case [our working relationship] lasted [but] a few days. How should I feel after two years of distractions with very evident foundations, when you, after all that happened, set up, in my absence, daily rendezvous?⁴⁵² — if they weren’t [always] daily, that wasn’t your doing.

And in the same letter you write out what amounts to a programme of our future life, one that will not hinder you in your activities or joys — when I know what they are all about.

Sonja, my dove, you are a good, kind and just woman. Put yourself in my position and realise that to feel differently from the way I feel — i.e. tormenting pain and shame, is impossible, and think, my dove, of the best way to save us — not so much to save me from this, as to save yourself from even worse torments which will most certainly come in one form or another if you do not change your view on this whole affair or don’t [even] make an effort. — I am writing you this third letter. The first letter⁴⁵³ was full of irritation, the second one I am enclosing. It will give you a better picture of my former mood. I have gone to Pirogovo to give you, and myself, the freedom to better think this over and not fall into irritation or false reconciliation.

Consider it [all] carefully before God and write me [your answer]. In any case, I’ll come [to see you] soon, and we shall try to discuss everything calmly. Only we can’t just leave things as they are; there could be no worse hell for me. Perhaps that’s what I deserve. But you probably don’t. True, there are two other solutions — your death or mine, but either one is terrible if it happens before we succeed in undoing our sin.

I am opening the letter to add this: If you choose neither the first, the second nor the third solution, i.e. if you will not completely sever all relations, will not let me go abroad with the aim of cutting off all relations, or go with me abroad for an indefinite time — of course, taking Sasha with us — but choose the muddled and unfortunate solution that we must leave everything as it was and it will all blow over, then I would ask you never to talk with me about this again. I shall keep mum, as I have this past while, waiting only for death, which is the only thing that can save us from this torture.

Another reason I am leaving,⁴⁵⁴ is that, having gone almost five nights with no sleep, I feel my nerves are extremely weak, that if I didn’t control myself, I would [simply] burst into tears, and I’m afraid I might not survive a meeting with you and everything that might come out of it.

I cannot [simply] attribute my condition to physical ill health, since I have felt extremely well this whole time without any stomach or gall trouble.

Nº 199 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/684]
8 July 1897. Yasnaya Polyana. [Letter unsent] ⁴⁵⁵

Dear Sonja,

For some time now I have been troubled by the discrepancy between my life and my beliefs. [I] was not able to make any of you change your life, or your habits, which I myself accustomed you to, neither have I been able to leave you up to now, thinking that I would be depriving the children, while they were small, of what little influence I might have on them, and would upset you all. Neither can I go on living the way I have lived these [past] sixteen years, either struggling and irritating the lot of you, or else falling victim to those temptations to which I am accustomed and by which I am surrounded. And so I have decided now to do what I have wanted to do for a long time — to leave: first, because this life is becoming more and more difficult for me in my advancing years, and I feel more and more the desire for solitude and, secondly, because the children are [now] grown, my influence in the home is no longer needed, and you all have more lively interests for yourselves, which will make my absence less noticeable to you.

The main thing is this: just as when the Hindus, approaching 60 years, go off into the woods, just as any elderly religious person wants to devote the final years of his life to God rather than to jokes, puns, rumours [or] tennis, so I, upon entering my 70th year, desire this quietude and solitude with all my heart, and [would like to have,] even if not full agreement, at least no crying discrepancy between my life and my beliefs, or my conscience.

If I were to do this openly, there would be requests, condemnations, arguments, complaints, and I would become weak, and might not carry out my decision, which should be fulfilled. And therefore, please forgive me if my actions cause all of you pain, [I would ask] especially you, Sonja, to release me voluntarily in your heart and not come looking for me, nor fret over me, nor condemn me.

My leaving you, [Sonja,] does not mean that I have been displeased with you. I know that you could not, literally could not and cannot see and feel the way I do, and hence could not and cannot change your life and give up something for the sake of something you are not conscious of. And so I do not blame you but, rather, think back with love and gratitude on the long 35 years of our life [together], especially the first half of this period, when you so firmly and energetically bore [the tasks] to which you felt yourself called, with the maternal self-sacrifice that was inherent in your nature. You gave to me and to the world what you could give, and gave a great deal of maternal love and self-sacrifice, and I can’t help but appreciate that. But in the latter period of our life [together], in the last 15 years, we have drifted apart. I cannot think that I am to blame [for this], as I know that I have changed not for myself, not for people, but because I couldn’t help it. Neither can I blame you for not following me, but I am thankful and remember, and will remember, with love what you have given me. Farewell, dear Sonja.

Lovingly yours, Lev Tolstoy.

8 July 1897.

Nº 200 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 363]
19 November 1897. [Moscow]

It is surprising that yesterday I was expecting a letter⁴⁵⁶ from you for certain, dear Lëvochka. It should have arrived yesterday, but for some reason they brought it [only] this morning. And [now] you are responding to the very same questions which I sent you only last night, and which you could not possibly have received yet. That is, what are you writing? at what stage is your article on art? and about your arrival. — The question as to whether I’m angry that you’re not coming is always a difficult one for me to answer. You are quite right when you say that you need solitude for your work, that you quite possibly have not that long to live and that you cherish both your time and your leisure hours. The whole world — indeed, the whole of mankind whom you serve through your writing — will discover that you are completely right.

But as an individual, as your wife, I am obliged to make a tremendous effort to admit that whether something is written slightly better or worse, or whether the number of articles you have written is lesser or greater — is more important than my personal life, my love for you, my desire to live with you and find happiness in this and not somewhere else.

I am writing this to you as reasoning, not as a challenge. I have now accustomed myself both to leading a good life without you and to not letting myself get bored. Often it even seems to me that when we are physically apart, we are more together in spirit, while when we come together materially, it is as though we drift emotionally apart. — You make the argument that there may not be that much time left to live, and I could turn that to my advantage and say: all the more reason to spend our remaining time together. But lately, especially after reading Beethoven’s biography,⁴⁵⁷ I’ve finally awakened to the realisation that people who serve mankind and receive for this the greatest gift — namely, fame, are no longer able to resist this temptation and cast aside anything that stands in the path to this fame or interferes with this service. Beethoven, fortunately, did not have a family — and so he was right.

All this I am mulling over as well as experiencing first-hand. You wanted to feel me, and I’m afraid that you will not like what I write. But somehow we have to cope with all of life’s circumstances, and you will not put a stop either to the workings of your thought nor to the struggle of different feelings.

I live carefully in respect to both myself and others. Ever since we parted, right up to the present moment, I have had no feelings of spitefulness or vexation towards anyone, and I have not been — and am not [now] — angry in the least that you are not coming. Stay [at Yasnaya] for as long as it seems necessary and pleasant to you; everything here would be vexing to you, and that is harder than separation.

For example, I am again doing a lot of playing on the piano — sometimes as much as five hours [at a time]; I go to bed around three [a.m.] every night; today I didn’t go out of the house, except in the evening I went to see Auntie Vera Aleksandrovna [Shidlovskaja] for a couple of hours — I had not been to see her [lately]. Boris [Vjacheslavovich] Shidlovskij came from Yalta and said that Tanja, perhaps, is leaving today, Wednesday, [to return home], and that [our] little [grandson] Andrej⁴⁵⁸ is better. — Strange, today I tried telling my own fortune with cards, and twice I received the death card. We shall see!

But I am still alive, and I send you hugs and kisses. I often think of you, and feel all your days and thoughts and interests passing by me — I see them going off into articles and narratives, to England, to Chertkov’s letters and so forth. Before, your writings would blend with me, and I felt as though I were omnipresent. — Your supplies must surely be running out, and you have no dates or dry breads — nothing. Is there anything I can send [you]? Farewell.

S. T.

Nº 201 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/700]
26 November 1897. Yasnaya Polyana.

Tanja passed through yesterday, and spent one day here. She left me with a joyful impression that she had liberated herself from her obsession.⁴⁵⁹ God grant that she maintain that free state of mind she is [currently] in, and that she find her true heart as well as some good work. Today I received your letter addressed to Dora,⁴⁶⁰ from which I see that you are experiencing difficulties and ill health. And that is very painful for me, especially since I am unable to help you. — Your reasoning⁴⁶¹ that it is much more important and necessary for me to be with you in Moscow than for something to be written a little better or worse is patently unfair. First, the question is by no means what is more important; secondly, I am living here not just because some essay might turn out to be a little better written; thirdly, my presence in Moscow, as you very well know, could not prevent either Andrjusha or Misha from living badly, if that’s what they want. Not even the strictest father in the world can stop people with full beards from living the way they feel is best; fourthly, even if the question lay in what is more important — writing what I write or what I at least think and hope (otherwise I wouldn’t [bother to] work [at all]) will be read by millions and may have a good influence on millions [of people], or living in Moscow without any purpose there, in vanity, nervously and in poor [moral] health, then anyone would decide the question in favour of not going to Moscow.

This does not mean that I do not want to come to Moscow, nor that I do not wish to do all I can to make your life better, nor simply that I do not desire to be with you. On the contrary, this is something I very much desire. In fact, it means that your reasoning is very unfair, as is your reasoning (derived from Beethoven’s biography) that the goal of my [literary] activity is fame. — Fame may be the goal of a youngster or a very empty person. For a serious person, though, especially an older person, the goal of one’s activity is not fame, but the very best use of one’s abilities. We are all called to live and act like a horsecar. Whether we are going to the Slavjanskij Bazaar,⁴⁶² or digging for iron ore,⁴⁶³ or playing the piano, we are all obliged to do something. Any person who is not stupid and is experienced in life — and I count myself among such — cannot help but see that the only good approved by one’s conscience is the carrying out of that work which he is best qualified to do and which he considers acceptable to God and beneficial to people. That is the motive which guides me in my work. As for fame, I have long asked myself: would I work in just the same way if I never knew whether people would accept my work or not, and I sincerely answer: it stands to reason that I would work in just the same way. I am not saying that I am indifferent to [other] people’s approval — I enjoy such approval, but it is not the cause or motive of my activity. I am writing this in particular because I have wished for you, dear Sonja, this same kind of activity, the kind of activity that you knew was the very best you could do, and which would give you peace before God and people. You did have such activity: raising children, which you did unselfishly and did well, and you know the consciousness of a duty fulfilled, and so you know that it was by no means fame which prompted you to [engage in] such activity. You see, this is the kind of activity I desire for you — [something] I passionately desire, and would pray for if I believed that prayer could do this. What specific activity this would be, I don’t know and cannot tell you, but the activity is one that is peculiar to you and important, and worthy, such that one may stake one’s whole life upon, as is such activity for anyone, and this activity for you is certainly not in playing the piano and going to concerts.

How I wish, dear Sonja, that you would accept this letter with the same unselfish love and utter self-forgetfulness, and with the sole desire for your happiness, which I am now experiencing. — Once again, my work [at the moment] is in correcting [my treatise] On art. I need to send it to Maude⁴⁶⁴ and to Grot.⁴⁶⁵ I’m thinking over something. I am quite healthy, and just now I was skating with Lëva and the village boys. And [it was] great! The whole of the Great Pond is like a mirror, after all. Why aren’t you skating? I am certain it would be very good for you. But going to bed at 3 [a.m.] is very bad. Big hugs and kisses.

L. T.

Today an important point in On art was clarified which seemed worthless before.

On the envelope: Moscow. Khamovniki Lane, House Nº 21. Countess Sofia Andreevna Tolstaya.

Nº 202 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/703]
22 March 1898. Moscow.

Sunday, 4 [p.m.]

Sasha wrote you yesterday, dear Sonja, and today it’s my turn. Everything’s fine with us. Yesterday a mass of people [visited us]. It was probably Tanja who invited them: there were the Sollogubs⁴⁶⁶ and the Trubetskojs,⁴⁶⁷ and a regiment of little boys, who sang and played leap-frog.

There is nothing new in my life [at the moment]. I have finished all [my] letters and made some notes, but haven’t got around to any detailed work. This morning Dunaev⁴⁶⁸ came with the news that Brashnin⁴⁶⁹ was dying and wanted to say farewell. I went to see him. He’ll probably die any day now — the dropsy has already taken over his ribs. — And we bade our glorious, serious, simple and touching farewells, “see-you-soons”.

Yesterday an American came to see me, a rich, young cotton merchant and a gentleman.⁴⁷⁰ He is close to the American Secretary of the Interior⁴⁷¹ and promised to find out and let me know about the conditions for the re-settlement of the Doukhobors. — Any news from Ukhtomskij?⁴⁷² Will he decide? How are you doing? Are things fine for you? I was very worried about your travel at night with your nervous condition. Sometimes rail travel can make it worse, and sometimes it acts as a soporific.

How have things been with you? Hugs and kisses, farewell for now.

L. T.

On the envelope: Petersburg. Nadezhdinskaja [Street], Nº 18, Behrs flat. Countess S. A. Tolstaya.

Nº 203 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 369]
28 April 1898. Yasnaya Polyana.

Dear Lëvochka, I have not felt so sorry and sad for a long time at parting from you as on this occasion,⁴⁷³ apart from that concern about leaving you that is constantly with me.

But at Yasnaya it is so intoxicatingly good, such beauty, so majestically calm (even though real spring is slow in awakening) that I am constantly in [a state of] wonder and ecstasy.

Why is it always better at Yasnaya than anywhere else? The grass is already green, the greenery is rich, the meadow is full of dark violets, and there are already little leaves [on the trees]. At Grinëvka I never saw any grass, and Nature is so desolate there. At Grinëvka [my] whole charm and joy are the little children, while in both places the older children ([our] sons and daughters-in-law) are very dear and hospitable to me.

Yesterday I was dashing about [all day], first with Dora and Lëva, and later alone. I ran about the garden, Chepyzh, and the flower-beds; I had great fun picking sweet medunichka apples; today I did some house-cleaning, and was overcome several times by a fretful mood. The visiting boys left quite a number of chamber-pots unemptied, [there was also] dirt, paper and boxes [lying around], and the main thing: in searching for his boots, Misha somehow broke the door lock to my room. Such impudence, it almost drove me to tears. There were screws to take out, repairs to be made, etc. The bottom of your unemptied new wooden pail got warped, and it’s no longer good for anything; there was a large piece of ice [left] in it, which started to melt! — But these are all little annoyances from people, while from God [there is] Nature, warmth and spring — all that is charming! You can move here whenever you wish; today I changed the window [frames] and cleaned your room, which in two or three days will be nice and warm and dry.

I really hope you’ve written me a letter at Moscow. You were depressed all the time and it seems you had even more to say, and it made me feel like I constantly had a stone on my heart. If only I could, how much I would like to cheer you, make you happier, help you in your work, help you to be joyous, healthy and at peace! Apparently I no longer have the ability or capacity to do that, and that is a [source of] great suffering for me. If only you knew how [hard] I always try to do it with all my heart and soul!

There is no news from home, and I doubt that this letter, too, will reach you. I wrote to Andrjusha at Bastyevo, [but] he didn’t receive the letter; Sasha wrote me, [too,] and I didn’t receive it. Yesterday Lëva sent you some spinach and apples at Bastyevo care of a trainman. This evening I am going to Moscow; there’s no need for me to go to Tula. The lawsuit has been settled⁴⁷⁴ and now they are going to send a court official here to summon witnesses concerning the land ownership, and that will be the end of it.

I am now dashing out for a walk and to do some planting; I really don’t want to leave here. And it’s very nice staying on with Lëva and Dora, because they, too, like to plant, decorate and clean, and we would work marvellously [together].

How are you getting along with the soup-kitchens? Dearest, please don’t tire yourself out and do take care of yourself. Hugs and kisses to you and to everyone at Grinëvka. Write me a good, sincere letter, not a contrived one.

Your Sonja Tolstaya.

Nº 204 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/705]
30 April 1898. Grinëvka.

Dear Sonja,

I wrote a few words to you at Yasnaya, along with a postcard from Sasha, but that was probably too late to reach you. Yesterday I received your kind letter⁴⁷⁵ from Yasnaya. — I feel fine — not so weak as I was when you saw me, but not so cheerful as I would like and as I sometimes am. Have written almost nothing. Yesterday I went to Nikol’skoe,⁴⁷⁶ where I finished setting up some soup-kitchens, and to see Varen’ka.⁴⁷⁷ She bustles about with her house-cleaning. Her Tanja⁴⁷⁸ sits in her own room and reads. Serëzha and I sat for more than an hour, but she still didn’t come out. Her husband is here, but wasn’t at home; he’d gone to the village to buy kerosene and nails. Varen’ka is clear-headed enough, but her children are just the opposite.

When Protashinskij⁴⁷⁹ protested against the soup-kitchens the other day, Iljusha went to a Red Cross meeting at Mtsensk, and yesterday he went to Orël to see the Governor,⁴⁸⁰ from whom he received permission for the soup-kitchens. I saw Stakhovich,⁴⁸¹ who wants to come here on Saturday. Today he went off to a fair with Andrjusha. Sonja⁴⁸² is seriously trying to help, but not altogether efficiently, so that for the sake of the conscientious carrying out of these relief efforts in the eyes of the donors, I’m glad I came.

The other day I was in Lapashino, where we also need to open soup-kitchens. Now I’ll go through Bastyevo, where I’ll hand over this letter, again in the direction of Spasskoe,⁴⁸³ where I shall set up soup-kitchens. We haven’t purchased any flour yet. I’m waiting for a reply from Voronezh.

Here I am doing fine in all respects. Everybody’s nice to me, both the grown-ups and the children. Iljusha is much better when he’s at home than when he’s away from it.

I don’t have any [news] from Moscow. It’s been more than a week, it seems. And it’s [probably] better this way. I’d just like to know more about the children, especially our daughters, at least about their teeth. Now you will be writing [from there]. This morning I wrote letters, dealt with old ones, fearing that there might be new demands for replies.

Well, it seems I’ve written everything of importance. My requests to you are the following:

1) The oblong address book on the table — please send it as soon as you can. 2) There should be a book [there, called] Dvadtsat’-pjat’ let na Kavkaze [Twenty-five years in the Caucasus], Part 2 by Ziserman.⁴⁸⁴ It should be on the bookshelf. 3) Tell Ivan Ivanovich Gorbunov⁴⁸⁵ that if the lady who wants to come can pay her own expenses, let her come. There will be a lot to do, and I don’t feel like asking Andrjusha [to help]. He wouldn’t refuse, but he would not do it willingly. 4) Misha promised me he would go to the photographic shop in Tverskaja [Street], near Filippov’s, and ask the retouch artist Krasnov⁴⁸⁶ for [copies of] my book The Kingdom of God [Tsarstvo Bozhie], and have Sasha⁴⁸⁷ bring it to Yasnaya. Well, you see how many requests I have made!

Hugs and kisses to you. I hope they are not bothering you and that you aren’t getting flustered, and are sleeping well, and retiring early. Don’t sit up nights. This is terribly harmful, especially to you. —

My letter is not the one you were wishing for, but I can’t do any differently; by my handwriting I see that I am not in strong spirits.

On the envelope: Moscow. Khamovniki Lane, 21. Countess Sofia Andreevna Tolstaya.

Nº 205 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/728]
19 October 1898. Yasnaya Polyana.

I’m terribly ashamed, dear Sonja, that I have not written to you in such a long time. Lately I have had a cold — either one left over from the last time, or a new one — and I felt sluggish and didn’t get around to it, or someone interfered. Now it is warm and my cold has gone, but my head aches — from stove fumes, apparently. My work⁴⁸⁸ is having its ups and downs. It’s more clear in my imagination, but not yet on paper. I don’t feel myself in full possession of my [creative] forces which are needed for this [work]. We had a visitor — an Englishman from the Hawaiian Islands⁴⁸⁹ — to negotiate the resettlement of the Doukhobors there. Unfortunately [he came] too late. He captivated us all with his description of these marvellous islands. The only other visitor was Andrjusha,⁴⁹⁰ who also captivated us ([at least] me) with the transformation which is undoubtedly taking place in him. The Gospel is so right in saying that one sheep lost and found is worth more than 99.⁴⁹¹ Then there came a remarkable elderly chap from Simbirsk Gubernia, a Christian and a rationalist who is quite remarkable if you understand him. I have news of you through [what I have heard from] Anet⁴⁹² and it seems you are, if not in a completely peaceful mental state, at least not in a disturbed state. Our girls are good, even good-looking; I wish the same for you. I’m joking, that’s not what I wish at all. I wish you tranquillity and stability which will keep you satisfied. It always frightens and troubles me when you talk of your instability. — Don’t believe you are weak, but believe that you are omnipotent, and you will be omnipotent in the spiritual realm.

Lately I have not stepped out of the house nor gone horseback riding. We are having marvellous autumn weather.

Farewell, my dear, hugs and kisses to you, our dear, laughing Sasha, and Misha, who has the capacity to be dear.

L. T.

Nº 206 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 382]
9 November 1898. [Moscow].

It is true, dear Lëvochka, that you are now writing me more often, for which I’m grateful. Archer⁴⁹³ was here today and brought your letter⁴⁹⁴ and he was brought here by a young lady [named] Jenken,⁴⁹⁵ and it was difficult to hold conversation with Archer: you’d ask him a question and he would answer, and then again silence. These English are strange birds! So Serëzha has up and left with Suller?⁴⁹⁶ Poor Serëzha, with no family! All [my] children pull at my heartstrings, each in their own way; if there is no real acute unhappiness, at least each is unhappy in their own way.

I made copies⁴⁹⁷ for the censorship board, and last night I read to a few people your superb and touching excerpt. I really enjoyed it, as did everyone else. And when the excerpt ended, we were desperate to know: what comes next — there is such a strong desire to peer more deeply into the life and soul of this mother, who instantly touches a chord. On Saturday I took one copy right off to the censorship board, then gave another copy to the school trustee for his approval, and then I still had to pass it by the police. It’s simply beastly what they put us through — just to read a fictional story, and have to pass it through a dozen ordeals [to get it published].

Read my letter to Masha; I described there Misha and Sasha. As regards myself I shall only offer this: I remember your saying there is a senior age when you stop and begin to hesitate about which way to go: uphill, i.e. to moral perfection, or downhill, i.e. to an empty, meaningless material life. You cited Vasen’ka Perfil’ev⁴⁹⁸ as an example of this sudden moral fall. And here I am feeling with horror that I am rapidly heading downhill. Sometimes with tears and torment in my heart I feel the desire to rise, to learn again how to pray and be wise, and I can’t; right now I am experiencing a terrible longing and I seek out entertainment, and then I repent for having sewn a [new] dress or gone to the theatre, or chattering nonsense, — and it gets worse and worse. Could it be that this is incorrigible? Yesterday, partly from boredom, partly to make Sunday entertaining for the children, I — didn’t invite [her myself] but — agreed to Lavrovskaja’s⁴⁹⁹ offer to sing for me. And she sang the whole evening, and [Sergej Ivanovich] Taneev played, and I read your excerpt. Besides these two musicians, there was my brother Sasha and his wife, Uncle Kostja, Marusja with her brother,⁵⁰⁰ and Pomerantsev,⁵⁰¹ who turned the pages. We spent a very fine and serious evening — all in art. [Our daughter] Sasha has not been going out anywhere these days and was in ecstasy; my brother Sasha, too. Have you ever heard Lavrovskaja [sing]? She has a marvellous voice, but she is a pitiful woman, devastated by suffering, 50 years old, but when she sings, she comes completely alive; she has a fantastic understanding of music. She paid a visit to me [this] autumn, a visit which I then returned, and afterwards we would meet at concerts, and she said she wanted to do me some kind of favour in return for my tenderness towards her; and so I called upon her to entertain [us], and that was very nice. The guests left before 12 o’clock, and Misha has never gone anywhere astray these days; he’s always either stayed at home or come home early, and been very nice to me.

Why don’t you write anything about Tanja? I’m terribly disappointed in Masha; I feel frightened for her, since her life is not going at all the way it should be. And her husband is not serious, and her child and her health and her situation⁵⁰² — it seems as though it is all just temporary, and will be better later on. But in the meantime it only gets worse and worse.

I’m delighted at being with you again. But it couldn’t be as good a second time as on this [past] occasion. It was so naturally joyful, easy and loving. — Well, we can [certainly] hope that it will be this good again, and maybe even better. I await your directions concerning [my] trip — where [am I] to go? Hugs and kisses, dear friend.

Yours, S. Tolstaya.

Today half my head was aching terribly. Imagine, I sleep only three hours every night, from 3 to 6. It’s got to the point of driving me completely mad. Just these past two nights. You have snow, and we haven’t had even a single flake. Only it feels like frost is in the air, while the sky is clear.

Nº 207 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 388]
9 February 1899. [Kiev]

Well, now I’ve arrived [at Kiev] and I don’t know quite what to say about Tanja’s situation;⁵⁰³ I don’t really know what’s so dangerous about such diseases; [but] we’re all already fearful — [we can] clearly imagine how it could actually be dangerous, and how the end might very well be near — and so we all cheer each other up and don’t allow ourselves to jump to any conclusions.

The bad thing is that the inflammation has today turned out to be creeping, i.e. after yesterday’s crisis, manifested in extreme perspiration, [Tanja’s] temperature had risen to higher than 39º by nightfall; but this morning it was 37.6, and right now it’s 38.1. That means the inflammation has not yet run its course, and nobody can predict what the result will be. The young doctor is staying close to Tanja, and a professor comes three times a day. The professor administering the treatment recommended only Chirkov,⁵⁰⁴ whom we [too] very much wanted, but he is still suffering from an injured lung (not his arm [as was earlier rumoured]), and even though he is now out of danger, he could not be called to participate in the consultation.

Tanja was delighted [to see] me; she repeated several times: “I’m happy, how happy I am [to see] you.” Both yesterday and this morning she kept talking about me and asking that I be called [to her side]. I am terribly glad that I came; [Tanja’s husband] Sasha wept when he saw me. Yesterday, they say, during the time of crisis, Tanja called her husband and all her children together and started to say her farewells; the other day they administered communion and confession to her. Today she says to me: “If I am dying, tell me, and I’ll know and prepare myself; I’m not afraid of death but I want to know.” To Masha⁵⁰⁵ she said: “I’m not afraid of death, but I don’t want to die.” — In general, she is still relatively strong; for example, she writes her wishes on paper so as to avoid talking; it is difficult for her to talk and breathe. Her appearance is similar to that of any ill person; only her eyes are quite dimmed and pitiful-looking. Oh, how painful it is for me to look at her! I know all her thoughts, her emotions; I know how she feels about me, the children, her husband, about life — and all at once you sense this wall, which always pops up between the importance and seriousness of dying and the flightiness of our everyday life. Even if Tanja manages to lift herself out of this disease, nevertheless now, at this moment, her condition is closer to non-life than to life; she is so weak, so concentrated on her disease, listening to what is going on inside her.

[Her daughter] Masha is here, she is efficient, takes good care of her mother and is very precious. Sasha is feeling very tense; he is either crying, or running out to buy her some cotton wool, or talkative and even laughing. The young boys do not feel stressed at all and all four of them⁵⁰⁶ are continuing to look out for their own interests.

Vera⁵⁰⁷ is disturbed most of all. She is frightfully exhausted, and talks despairingly about the possibility of her mother’s death. Of course for her, as well as for Sasha, this would be a terrible misfortune, it would leave them without a single shred of hope or comfort.

What do I think? I don’t know, at the moment. I’m frightened by Tanja’s estrangement from everyone, by her vomiting of the medicine she took. Another bad thing is that her hearing has started to go; that happened to Nastja Safonova⁵⁰⁸ on the eve of her death. — Well, God’s will be done!

I had a good trip with the through-train service; I met some very pleasant ladies. Lëva is doing very well;⁵⁰⁹ he was very nice to me. But my head is going rather wild, and the trip and tension of anticipating what I would find, and Tanja’s appearance — all that did something to me, which I haven’t yet been able to sort out in my mind. Take care of yourself while I’m gone, and do write. Hugs and kisses to all; I’ll be keeping you posted.

S. Tolstaya.

Nº 208 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/741]
15 February 1899. Moscow.

It’s very difficult [for me], dear Sonja, to write to you, [as] I don’t know what situation [you’re in]. Just now I received your 3rd letter⁵¹⁰ — a letter on the verge of hopelessness, and [we] would be in despair if it were not for your encouraging telegram the other day. I cannot read through your letter⁵¹¹ without shedding tears. I also feel how extremely tense your situation is, and my only regret is that I cannot personally be with you. All our news [here] is so pale in comparison with what is going on with all of you. How good and true she⁵¹² was in saying that religious feeling grows in those moments when you come face to face with God. If only we could get accustomed to summoning this increasing faith at times other than death! [Our daughter] Tanja’s caught a cold and has the sniffles. Misha’s been ill. The headmaster⁵¹³ was here; I spoke with him, trying to support his favourable approach to Misha. My spine hurts, and I am experiencing considerable weakness and a runny nose — I am not going out. Nothing special has been happening. No news from Serëzha. Bakunin⁵¹⁴ has arrived [back] from Canada. He didn’t see Serëzha.⁵¹⁵ I only know from an English newspaper clipping which Chertkov sent that they have been released from quarantine and have gone to Winnipeg. Serëzha asked you to write to him in New York, where I wrote him today, along with Crosby,⁵¹⁶ who, I hope, will give him a good reception there.

We are really looking forward to receiving a telegram. If it doesn’t come tomorrow, I’ll make an enquiry. I’m not writing anything [at the moment]. [At the moment] I’m feeling disgusted with my work. I have just finished all my letters, along with a very simple article with an accounting of how the funds were distributed.⁵¹⁷

Still no rest from visitors. — You see, it’s impossible to write to you, as I don’t know the current state of your affairs, or of your mental state.

In any case I offer you tender hugs and kisses and I share all your feelings in my heart. Hugs and kisses to [Tanja’s daughters] Masha, Vera and everyone.

L. T.

On the envelope: To give to Countess S. A. Tolstaya.

Nº 209 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 396]
23 September 1900. [Moscow]

I just got up, and the first thing I wanted to do was to write to you, dear Lëvochka, and remember that day⁵¹⁸ that united us for these many years we have spent together. I feel very sad that we are not together today, but still I look upon you and the reminiscences of our life together all the better, all the more deeply and tenderly, and I do want to thank you for the happiness which you gave me in times past, even while I regret that it has not continued throughout the rest of our life so strongly, fully and peacefully.

It’s terribly disappointing that [our daughter] Sasha did not write me; I am worried about your health; she probably forgot to send it care of the artel worker or didn’t post it in time. How are your furuncles? How has the shift to cold weather affected you?

There’s a lot of boring, fussy work here; I’m coping little by little. For two days I dined at the Maklakovs’,⁵¹⁹ [another] two days at my brother Sasha’s. In the evenings I feel so tired that I stay home, take care of my accounts and notes and play a little on the piano. Yesterday I was invited over by Elena Pavlovna Raevskaja,⁵²⁰ and I spent a very pleasant evening with her, her sister Davydova and two of the Samarins: Aleksandra Pavlovna and Pëtr Fëdorovich. I came home at 11 p.m. since it is hard for the nanny to wait up for me. Today once again I shall be at home, only I wanted to go to mass at the palace church where we got married; I don’t know whether I shall manage that. Back home at Yasnaya I felt bold enough to make plans to go to the theatre, but here I am so exhausted, I’m simply not up to any entertainment.

I went to see Krjukov;⁵²¹ he says that my vision has improved, but that the black spot will not soon go away, as the inner eye has little communication with the organism, and so the exchange of matter within the eye proceeds frightfully slowly. He gave me some ointment to massage my eyes; some drops [to apply] when the eyes are inflamed.

Tomorrow I want to go to Petrovskoe-Razumovskoe with Marusja⁵²² to have a look at my grandson. Tomorrow is Sunday, and so no work is permitted. Also tomorrow morning, I shall be going to the shelter.⁵²³ As for the evening, I still don’t know what I shall be doing. On Monday I’ll be doing some shopping and probably Tuesday evening I’ll head home to Yasnaya. Send [a carriage] for us Wednesday morning to Kozlovka, for 8:30.

How are my projects doing at Yasnaya? How are the diggers? In any case work is more joyful in the country than in the city.

I hope, dear Lëvochka, that you will write me at least once for old times’ sake.

Hugs and kisses to you; take care of yourself and let us live longer and better together.

Yours, Sonja Tolstaya

Nº 210 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/768]
31 December 1900. Moscow. [Preceded by SAT’S Nº 10U, 28 December 1900]

31 Dec.

I’m very sorry, dear Sonja, that because of the holidays my letters and telegrams didn’t reach you on time. I made special efforts, knowing your concern, to keep you apprised right away of everything I knew. But because of a series of co-incidences, you left Yasnaya without receiving anything. Yesterday I got your brief letter⁵²⁴ from Arkhangel’skoe — at least I know where you are. Yesterday I went to meet the express train, hoping to find Westerlund,⁵²⁵ but he wasn’t on it. I only hope that Tanja’s situation⁵²⁶ continues to improve, and that you don’t catch cold in the move; I’m glad you are at Kochety and are resting from the difficult feelings you experienced at Yasnaya. We are completely healthy [here]. Sasha was at the Martynovs’⁵²⁷ yesterday. Misha is here. This evening during the New Year’s celebrations at the Glebovs’⁵²⁸ his engagement to Lina was announced. It’s good that I have no lingering superstitions left. The fact that we are greeting the New Year apart doesn’t bother me in the least, as long as we are close in spirit. Hugs and kisses to you and our dear clever Tanja.

L. T.

On the envelope: Orlov-Grjazskaja Railway. Arkhangel’skoe Station. Tat’jana L’vovna Sukhotina.

Nº 211 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 402]
22 April 1902. Sevastopol’.

Our trip to Balaklava was extraordinarily easy and we were there before we knew it. The Baydar Valley was such a delight to our gaze with its fresh spring greenery; it was green everywhere, and gave our eyes a real rest from the grey, heavy rocks of our Gaspra.⁵²⁹ From Balaklava on a warm wind blew, and through the Sevastopol’ barrens, as well as in the city itself, my face and head were literally burning. We’ve got our tickets and are leaving in an hour. I am concerned about everything that is happening in Gaspra; I worry, but I try not to lose my self-control in this regard.

Hugs and kisses to all. Has Sasha⁵³⁰ sent my telegrams?

Nº 212 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/777]
2 May 1902. Yasnaya Polyana.

It is with great pleasure that I am keeping my promise — to write to you, dear friend Sonja, all the more so since I am able to give you good news about myself and all of us. I am in much better health than when you [last] saw me, though, as always, I have a weak stomach. The weather is damp — I don’t do much walking so as not to get soaked. I’m working⁵³¹ and reading. Last night I had a good chance to work through my longstanding inner thoughts on the definition of life.⁵³² Now I am going to take tea with Lëva, Sasha, Julija Ivanovna⁵³³ and the doctor,⁵³⁴ whose voices I am [now] hearing in the salon. Today [I received] a dear letter from Naryshkina.⁵³⁵ How is Boris Nikolaevich⁵³⁶ doing? Send him my regards through Serëzha.

Farewell, hugs and kisses to you.

L. T.

Nº 213 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 404]
8 October 1903 2 p.m. [Moscow]

This morning I received your telegram, dear Lëvochka, saying that all is well and that Abrikosov⁵³⁷ has arrived. Thank God you are healthy. As I suspected, to get everything done in three days is impossible. A day and a half has gone by already, and I’ve not managed to get much done. Yesterday I was detained for a long time at the bank, where I met Aleksej Maklakov,⁵³⁸ who persuaded me not to go back to Krjukov, but to come to him, right here in Vlas’evskij Lane. I shall go, and, by the way, he has invited me to dinner at their home tomorrow.

After the bank (it was already past 3 o’clock) I did some shopping for Ol’ga⁵³⁹ and myself. I took dinner with Varvara Ivanovna and Fëdor Ivanovich⁵⁴⁰ and went to the [Moscow] Art Theatre to see Julius Cæsar,⁵⁴¹ beginning at 7:30. I was freezing in the orchestra seats and was bored at times, but I cannot deny that the production and the performance were magnificent. I’ll tell you the details when [I see you]. For part of the play I sat with the elderly Strekalova⁵⁴² and [her granddaughter] Princess Liven in the director’s box. I spent the whole morning today going over accounts with the artel worker and [a young lawyer named] Makarenko and from 3 o’clock on we’ll be doing the same thing. We should finish by evening and, if I have time, I shall go see Auntie.⁵⁴³ So that’s my whole day today. Tomorrow I need to choose the wallpaper for the house, drop in there and pick up things.⁵⁴⁴ I shall have to see Maklakov about my eyes, which have become quite inflamed again; I have some shopping to do, and [I’ll be meeting with] Mjasoedova⁵⁴⁵ and so forth. — It will be impossible to get all that done [on time] and so I shall probably arrive Saturday morning, so send [a carriage to Kozlovka] for me [then]. If for some reason I manage to get it done [earlier], I’ll wire you. Naturally, if you are ill or I am needed at home, I’ll drop everything and come [at once].

The Maslovs are extraordinarily dear people, and apart from them I also saw [Aleksandr Nikiforovich] Dunaev at the bank, [but] nobody else. Hugs and kisses to you and my regards to Julija Ivanovna [Igumnova], and Pavel Aleksandrovich [Bulanzhe] and Khrisanf Nikolaevich [Abrikosov].

Yours, Sonja.

Nº 214 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 406]
10 January 1904. Night. [Moscow]

I am writing you once again, dear Lëvochka. I received your reassuring telegram and am happy, but for some reason it seems to me, and I’m afraid, that boredom and loneliness will prompt you to go to [to our daughter] Masha’s or [daughter-in-law] Ol’ga’s. Today it’s warm with wet snow. How is your health? I’d like to know more details.

Sasha began her dental treatment today, and they said she would require treatment and fillings for a whole week. She and Annochka⁵⁴⁶ are healthy and cheerful; they went to look at paintings in the Historical Museum, and in the evening we all went to a concert: Sasha, Annochka, myself, Serëzha, Andrjusha and [Pavel Aleksandrovich] Bulanzhe, and we were all in ecstasy over Chaliapin⁵⁴⁷ and were pleased with the whole concert. We had a fun time at home [afterwards] drinking tea and now everyone is asleep.

The three of us⁵⁴⁸ took dinner at the Maslovs, and Fëdor Ivanovich⁵⁴⁹ — as it turned out, a sole chevalier in the midst of six ladies — made great efforts to attract the girls’ attention and told them jokes.

Today I was at the Rumjantsev and Historical Museums, where I decided to take [your] manuscripts;⁵⁵⁰ but first I want to look at the room [they will be kept in]. Prince Shcherbatov⁵⁵¹ has given me an appointment on Monday at 12:30 for an inspection of the room, and then on Tuesday I shall take over the boxes.

My impression of the administration at the Rumjantsev Museum, headed by Tsvetaev,⁵⁵² was quite negative, while at the Historical Museum Shcherbatov and especially his dear wife and daughter⁵⁵³ and the elderly Zabelin⁵⁵⁴ left me with a very positive impression.

Serëzha, Fëdor Ivanovich [Maslov] and Pavel Aleksandrovich [Bulanzhe] all advise me to hand over the manuscripts to the Historical Museum for safekeeping.

Of the books in the Rumjantsev Museum they are sending you the following at my request:

1)The works of Saint Basil the Great. Parts 3 and 5.

2)The works of Saint John Chrysostom. Volume III. Books 1 and 2.

3)Selected moral principles of Saint Basil the Great.

4)Sayings of the Holy Fathers about the preservation of soul and body in the purity of chastity.

That’s all they sent. Apparently, without Fëdorov⁵⁵⁵ there, nobody knows anything, and Fëdorov has been replaced by some young man.

Well then, farewell, dear friend, time to go to bed; tomorrow all day I shall be going over accounts with the artel worker and I don’t know myself where we’ll be having dinner or [spending] the evening.

We wanted to go see my brother Sasha, but we didn’t let him know; tomorrow morning I’ll send and ask him.

My greetings to your ‘bodyguards’.⁵⁵⁶ I’m thinking of returning Thursday morning; there are various projects I shan’t be able to deal with before then.

Yours, Sonja Tolstaya.

Nº 215 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 408]
17 February 1904. [Moscow]

I didn’t write you yesterday, dear Lëvochka, because I was out of sorts. Il’ja was after me all day long, asking for money; he is in debt to everyone, with endless schemes, and expenses, too. I gave him 400 roubles, and he promised to leave. And in the evening, after dinner with Serëzha, Marusja⁵⁵⁷ came to see me, and soon there came that same young lady⁵⁵⁸ that [Il’ja] has been attracted to, and then followed all sorts of clownishness, jokes and scurrying about the house. I went off to a Wagner concert,⁵⁵⁹ which was not pleasurable: some annoying, self-absorbed Germans singing off-key, coarsely, repulsive music; it was boring and I’m tired.

But my main concern at the moment has turned out well and successfully: I have settled Sasha’s financial affairs; for two days in the museum we have been sorting and recording objects, papers, portraits and letters. The elderly librarian Aleksej Ivanovich Stankevich⁵⁶⁰ is sorting everything smartly and with love, and has laid them out in a magnificent display case, locks everything away, and is meticulous to the point of pedanticism. The Maslovs have known him for some time and commend him highly.

Pavel Aleksandrovich⁵⁶¹ took everything straight from the railway terminal to the museum, which was already open, as we hadn’t hurried [along the way]; besides, the train was late. After washing my hands I went out into the lounge carriage, Buturlin⁵⁶² and Pavel Aleksandrovich were having a leisurely tea, and later we all rode together [to the museum], but with three cart-loads of boxes. Tomorrow I shall be once again at the museum, from 11 to 3, and tomorrow [we’ll do] the sorting of the letters and making a record of them — a most difficult [task]. Today in Mjasnitskaja [Street] I ordered four busts and Robecchi⁵⁶³ said that he would make a bronze [copy of] Troubetzkoy’s⁵⁶⁴ bust (similar to ours) for 80 roubles — very inexpensive. — I don’t foresee any music these days and that is sad. Today I took dinner at the Maslovs. [I spent] the evening at home alone, weary, and now I’m writing to you. It is very quiet; the only [sound is] the clock ticking in the dining room. At the museum a Mr. Salomon⁵⁶⁵ came to see me; Serëzha and Stakhovich⁵⁶⁶ had breakfast with him at the Slavjanskij Bazaar. Misha Stakhovich is going with the Red Cross, as the representative of the Russian nobility, to the war.⁵⁶⁷ The Maslovs told how they saw off the hospital train, with 60 young ladies, many of them from the upper echelons [of Russian society], going as nurses; [there were also] doctors, paramedics, and so forth. The train was huge, and its departure was marked by dead silence, despite the enormous crowd. There is a general sense of gloom about the war; there’s something unspoken, unclear. The cabmen, just like the muzhiks, have strong faith in a Russian victory.

So farewell, dear friend, hugs and kisses to you and Sasha, and my regards to everyone.

S. Tolstaya.

Nº 216 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/785]
14 August 1904. Pirogovo.

I shall be here, dear Sonja, for another two or three days. Don’t know myself [how long exactly]. I don’t feel like leaving, as I think I may be useful to him⁵⁶⁸ in the most important respect, i.e. his mental state, although it is very difficult to be with him and feel my own powerlessness to help him. I am dismissing [the coachmen with his] horses, as Masha⁵⁶⁹ has promised to take me [back to Yasnaya]. In any case, I shall stay here no longer than three days, counting from today, the 14th.

His situation is deplorable in that he does not see — or does not want to see — his [real] situation and he excites himself and acts up with everything, on top of his [actual] sufferings. He’s terribly weak: he can’t walk without stumbling, but still he [manages to] dress himself properly and walk around.

Please tell Julija Ivanovna⁵⁷⁰ that Chertkov writes that, after receiving everything that was sent, he still has not yet received [my] foreword to [his] article on revolution.⁵⁷¹ Apparently it has been intercepted. Could she please send another with a return [acknowledgement of] receipt?

Farewell, hugs and kisses to you.

I had a severe case of heartburn; now it’s better, and the weather is marvellous.

L. T.

I forgot my notebook on the table; do [be sure to] hide it.

I am still working on my Calendar [Kalendar’].⁵⁷² It is easy and pleasant work.

Nº 217 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 412]
15 January 1905. [Moscow]

In Moscow everything is calm,⁵⁷³ dear Lëvochka. Several factories have gone on strike, but even those have started to work [again]. Bakhrushin⁵⁷⁴ and Morozov⁵⁷⁵ have told their workers that there would be no deduction for the days they spent on the picket line, and they began to experience remorse over their action and returned to work. The newspapers came out today. Posha Birjukov still hasn’t come. I tried contacting Pavel Aleksandrovich by telephone for a whole half-hour but couldn’t wait [any longer]. Serëzha, it seems, is in a good mood; he’s gone to have dinner with the Maklakovs, while I’m getting ready to go to a concert.

I was at the bank today and saw [Aleksandr Nikiforovich] Dunaev; today he’s on his way to the countryside for a rest. He’s quite exhausted and is terrified by what happened in Petersburg. I myself feel quite good, though weary; nobody can be peaceful or happy these days anywhere.

Stay healthy, hugs and kisses to you, Sasha,⁵⁷⁶ Julija Ivanovna [Igumnova] and Vera [Aleksandrovna Kuzminskaja], regards to Dushan Petrovich.⁵⁷⁷

And how is Il’ja Vasil’evich?⁵⁷⁸

Yours, Sonja.

Nº 218 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/791]
16 January 1905. Yasnaya Polyana.

Everything’s fine here with us, dear Sonja. Yesterday Nazhivin⁵⁷⁹ was here with his wife. They are both nice people, as well as Orlov.⁵⁸⁰ Il’ja Vasil’evich [Sidorkov] is still under the weather, and he looks terrible, although Dushan [Petrovich Makovitskij] sees no particular danger.

Zhozja⁵⁸¹ is here, and yesterday came Vera⁵⁸² and Nadechka Ivanova.⁵⁸³ I am healthy, but very old, which, despite Avdot’ja Vasil’evna’s⁵⁸⁴ opinion to the contrary, doesn’t bother me. Yesterday I received a letter from your admirer Bourdon,⁵⁸⁵ who is coming to Russia again. [We are having] a severe snowstorm, but I still took my usual two outings close to the house. How are you enjoying [your] music? The other day this thought about music came to me: Music is the stenography of feelings. When we speak, we use rising or falling [intonation] and volume, as well as fast or slow sequencing of sounds to express those feelings associated with what we say — the thoughts, images, events we express in words. On the other hand, music conveys just the combinations and sequencing of these feelings without the thoughts, images or events. — This explains to me what I experience when I listen to music. Do write. Farewell. Hugs and kisses to you and [our] sons.

L. T.

Nº 219 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 413]
19 January 1905. [Moscow]

I was quite delighted to receive your letter, dear Lëvochka, and today I was waiting for Mr. Davitt,⁵⁸⁶ who promised he would come and see me on his way back from Yasnaya, but for some reason he didn’t come. Serëzha and I really liked your definition of music, that it is the stenography of feelings. Unfortunately there won’t be any music all this week, only the opera with Chaliapin on Friday,⁵⁸⁷ and I am planning to go. Every day Pavel Aleksandrovich and I go to the museum; he is there from 11 to 3, and I go at 12, since in the morning I am torn to bits by various activities. Now there is almost nothing left to be done. There is utter chaos in the museum; three boxes with manuscripts have deteriorated, and on one of them the bottom even fell out. We had to hoist the manuscripts onto a shelf, hand over the boxes to be repaired, and I want to order an extra set of shelves for the boxes.

Everywhere in Moscow there are meetings, gatherings and discussions going on. Tomorrow the nobility elections⁵⁸⁸ open and two contradictory messages have been compiled: those of Samarin⁵⁸⁹ and Trubetskoj,⁵⁹⁰ and all the talk is about who will defeat whom. There was also a gathering and a meeting today at Posrednik, and another at Maklakov’s, and Serëzha went to yet a third.

I have considerable pain in my mouth, tongue, throat and palate — everything’s all puffed up, with a burning [sensation]. I know how to treat it, but there’s no prescription here and it is extremely bothersome.

Andrjusha has left for Petersburg after having fun [here] for three days. I didn’t even see him. I don’t see Lina and Misha either; I’ve only been to their place once. Today I had dinner at home with Serëzha and the two Marusjas: Maklakova⁵⁹¹ and Naryshkina.⁵⁹² Our gathering this evening was attended by: Lizan’ka, Natasha, Khrisanf,⁵⁹³ my brother Sasha, Marusja, Katerina Fëdorovna Junge with her son,⁵⁹⁴ Anna Aleksandrovna Gorjainova,⁵⁹⁵ Gol’denvejzer⁵⁹⁶ with his wife — and once again the talk was about the state of affairs in Russia. We sat chatting until 2 o’clock, and now it is 3 a.m.

Tomorrow morning I’m going to the Tret’jakov Gallery, then to the [Historical] Museum; I shall take dinner at home, and in the evening a violinist is coming to play with me. I really want to leave [here] Friday evening and arrive home [at Yasnaya] Saturday morning; I don’t know if I shall manage to, since Posha and I will still not have finished our work at the museum. In that case I shall probably be [home] Sunday.

You complain of old age; I myself feel it in the extreme, and on these snowstorm days it is particularly severe. And I agree with Dunjasha,⁵⁹⁷ whereas you do not (that whatever is old cannot be good). — How are you all doing? How is Il’ja Vasil’evich? How are the snowstorms — has anyone been hurt by them? I hope that you are taking care of yourself. Hugs and kisses to you, my greetings to everyone.

Yours, Sonja T.

Nº 220 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 418]
14 May 1906. Moscow

I’ve [just] come from the graves of my children;⁵⁹⁸ I’m sitting alone in my house and somehow started to feel sad, and worried about all of you, since I haven’t heard any news of you yet, and today a frightful cold came on, along with a north wind. What I feared came to pass: Lëva and his family moved house in bad weather, missing the whole charming, warm spring.

From the gravesite I dropped into see the stanovoj⁵⁹⁹ at Vsesvjatskoe, asking him to issue a warning to the populace of Nikol’skoe, since Vanechka’s headstone has once again been damaged by rock-throwing. He turned out to be a very pleasant, clever old chap (and stanovojs, too, can be good people). He told me that they’ve been expecting all day and are still expecting — it’s now 8 p.m. — considerable unrest. The Sumsk regiment has been returned from their [summer] camps; all the police and groundskeepers are armed; there are so many police that they group together in fours. And the artel worker’s children informed me that starting tonight there will again be a general political strike, that everywhere there’s going to be a commotion the likes of which have never been seen before. Discipline has completely disappeared from the schools; here in Zemledel’cheskaja, at the Smolensk market, there’s practically a riot.

The stanovoj said that if it weren’t for Dubasov,⁶⁰⁰ they would immediately have ransacked all of Moscow and a certain Fidling⁶⁰¹ would be established as governor. All in all, it’s very alarming, and you can feel revolution in the air. Nobody trusts the Duma; these very same children — of the artel worker and Il’inichna’s — were sounding as though [Dmitrij Fëdorovich] Trepov⁶⁰² would be a dictator and then they would secure their control over everyone, and disband the Duma. The cabman [who drove me] from the station was saying to me angrily that Trepov had been appointed commander of all the troops; that it was a disgrace: could a policeman really be appointed for such a position? It turns out [the cabman] is a soldier, who served in the Turkish as well as the latest, the Japanese war⁶⁰³ and was saying: “Look what [kind of] generals we had in the [last] war! They brought in women and girls, lived in luxury, took cognac all day, while we soldiers in the field were dying of cold and starvation. Here I served with Skobelev;⁶⁰⁴ he was practically a father to us: when we went hungry, he went hungry with us; we were cold, and he froze along with us. Wherever the soldiers went, he was there, too.” He doesn’t believe in the Duma either, says they’ll disband it, and won’t allow the land to be given to the muzhiks. — Everyone has their own point of view, but one and the same theme: “they will disband”.

Yesterday we had dinner at the Metropol’ [hotel]: Konstantin Aleksandrovich Rachinskij,⁶⁰⁵ [our] son Serëzha and grandson Serëzha, Miss Genzh⁶⁰⁶ and myself. Then grandson Serëzha accompanied me home, looked all around, and piped up: “Oh, how cozy, how great! I would like to live at Yasnaya Polyana and here with Papa.”

In the evening we had a gathering here: Anna Ivanovna Maslova, [her cousin] Julija Afanas’evna Jurasova, Baroness Taube⁶⁰⁷ with her eldest son, a sailor who has just returned from the war and had a lot to say about the chaos of orders from the [military command] and the government, as well as those from Rozhdestvenskij.⁶⁰⁸ They’re all on trial, these sailors.

All Friday long I waited in [various] banks, did some shopping, took dinner at the Maslovs’, and in the evening went to see Auntie,⁶⁰⁹ who was busy making preparations for her move into our house and today sent [her servant] Tat’jana to see us.

Yesterday I went through the accounts regarding the sale of books and [we] finished today. Friday night, at 3 o’clock Saturday morning I was awakened by severe stomach pains; [mild] diarrhœa, and I took strong measures: opium, mint [tea], fasting — and the trouble passed, although I [still] don’t feel well. And my tooth, too, has been causing a lot of pain during the last hours of its life. The dentist won’t do anything until Monday (tomorrow), he is so busy, and so tomorrow my fate will be decided as to how long I have to stay here [in Moscow]. Apart from my teeth and some spring cleaning, which I wasn’t able to do because of the rain, I’ve got everything done. I don’t believe in the strike — nothing can repeat itself in exactly the same way. Did we get any rain at Yasnaya?

Well, that’s it. I hope to have some news from you all at least by tomorrow. I was feeling sad at leaving everyone, especially our new grandchildren, and at not being able give them any help or attention. God grant we can live together [for a while] longer. [Even] if my teeth keep me [here in Moscow] at the moment, I still shan’t [have to] move anywhere [from Yasnaya Polyana] before August — what happiness!

Hugs and kisses to everyone. I’m writing to everyone no specific addressee, as in my heart I am appealing to everyone.

Your combined wife, Mama, mother-in-law, grandmother and so forth.

S. Tolstaya.

(Like the tsar writes: Emperor of All Russia, Tsar of Poland, Grand Prince of Finland, etc., etc. — I would echo that.)

Nº 221 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/799]
4 April 1907. Yasnaya Polyana.

I am very happy to be writing to you, dear Sonja, since you say it pleases you. Everything’s fine here with us. I am quite recovered from my bout of ill health; today I walked over to the forester’s to talk with Andrjusha⁶¹⁰ by telephone, but there was no answer. I wanted to ask him whether the woman who came to see me whose husband was killed by gendarmes at Zhitovo — where they were dragging merchandise from crumpled freight wagons⁶¹¹ — could count on receiving any [financial] assistance. We took dinner today at Tanja’s. A cheery letter came from Sasha.⁶¹² As usual, I’ve been teaching the children,⁶¹³ and still hope that some kind of benefit will come from this. This kind of contact calls forth one’s best thoughts and feelings. We are awaiting news from you; to date we know [little or] nothing. We received today a [financial] contribution from [North] America.⁶¹⁴ Please send the artel worker to collect these funds and bring them [to me]. I have decided to keep them with me and hand them over to the poor. Farewell. Hugs and kisses to you and Serëzha and Masha.⁶¹⁵

Nº 222 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/806]
16 May 1908. Yasnaya Polyana.

I am writing these lines on the morning of the 16th only to ask you not to give my letter to Koni⁶¹⁶ but to tear it up. It is impossible, unseemly and shameful for me to make [such] a request, c’est une contradiction criante. In any case, dear Sonja, I’m glad of the opportunity to think of you and give you news of us, even though it’s been only one night. It’s now 9 o’clock; I am starting in on some cheerful work.⁶¹⁷ I feel so good in my heart, it’s even shameful.

Hugs and kisses to you.

L. T.

Tell Koni that I very much liked his “Reminiscences”,⁶¹⁸ especially his account of Pisemskij.⁶¹⁹

Nº 223 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 423]
18 June 1909. [Yasnaya Polyana]

Dear Lëvochka, we are living without you here at Yasnaya like a body without a soul. There are no visitors, but lots of beggars, and you can never have enough change for all of them. We are all safe, but I have found two of our children, Lëva and Sasha, to be nervous and morose. Lëva is doing a sculpture⁶²⁰ of Sasha in peasant dress; he has spoilt your bust a little, in my opinion. He is awaiting your return so he can work on it more from life, and doesn’t want to leave without seeing you.

He’s let out his Petersburg house⁶²¹ for two years and has decided — now definitely, since there will be nowhere for him to stay — not to return to Petersburg during this period.

Today is Sasha’s birthday, and she left this morning by troika for Tula with Varvara Mikhajlovna⁶²² and I inadvertently insulted her by not ordering a special breakfast which she was anticipating, as I thought she wouldn’t be returning home in time for breakfast. And I felt sorry for her, and her rude reaction was hard to take. Well, I’m used to that by now!

I’ve started in on household tasks, and I can see that a lot of things went badly while I was away. And it’s simply true that when you return home after being away, everything’s more noticeable, and you tackle it all the more energetically.

I am still cherishing my memories of Kochety⁶²³ and I can still hear Tanjushka’s little voice, and it seems that I should be busying myself with taking care of you.

The road to Blagodatnoe seemed far easier and shorter this time.

Mamontov⁶²⁴ was saying that it’s impossible to go to Mtsensk; [people] are making huge detours, finding themselves stuck in river fords, getting delayed and becoming frightfully exhausted from the long journey and terrible roads. It was raining today, too.

[On the train trip] from Orël to Zaseka one can get some sleep, arrive at dawn and then lie down again, and get a full rest. I recommend going through Blagodatnoe, but, in any case, it’s up to [the lot of] you to decide.

Hugs and kisses to Tanja and our granddaughter and you, and my greetings to all. How is your health?

Yours, Sonja Tolstaya.

Nº 224 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/812]
23 June 1909. Kochety.

Today I received your letter to Tanja,⁶²⁵ dear Sonja. I’m doing quite nicely here, but I do want to come home, too — for your sake, and for Lëva’s, and for Sasha’s (since she is not coming here), and for my own sake as well. I don’t like specifying a time in advance, but I think it will be soon. Today I received a letter from Chertkov⁶²⁶ enclosing a copy of [his] letter to you. He suggests I give the story The devil [D’javol] to the Literary Collection,⁶²⁷ which has been asking for it. I haven’t yet made up my mind.

I don’t really like the story. I’ll have to read it again. It’s pretty quiet here, far quieter than at Yasnaya, in terms of visitors. Today Mikhail Sergeevich [Sukhotin]’s son Misha⁶²⁸ came. I’m feeling fine. I’m working on something,⁶²⁹ and there’s so much that I want [to accomplish] that these are clearly the commonplace unrealisable dreams of an old man. I just want not to waste my remaining months, days and hours, when so much that used to be obscure and concealed has now become clear. Yesterday Natasha Abrikosova⁶³⁰ was here. I repeat my advice not to give too much importance to household tasks, but rather — as you rightly say yourself⁶³¹ — to be a good person. That’s the only thing that’s needed. And the proof that it’s the only thing that’s needed is the fact that it is the one thing that is always possible.

Hugs and kisses to you, Sasha and Lëva, and greetings to Varvara Mikhajlovna [Feokritova].

L. T.

Nº 225 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 425]
24 June 1909. [Yasnaya Polyana]

Yesterday I received your letter⁶³² with the instructions: give as little attention to household tasks as possible, as well as: good feelings towards others are incomparably more important than anything else. There’s a lot to say about this in reply. Good feelings [merely] in words, but not in deeds, have no value whatsoever. I do my own housework only because I have no desire to offend anyone; [I want] to get things done fairly and without judging others as much as I can. For three days in a row muzhiks kept coming to see me from Grumont. They comprise fifteen households in all, and I wrote a letter to the elder, saying that the 37 desjatinas I am giving them must be distributed equally. The village elder and the boldest muzhik, Grigorij Matrosov, were dividing the land through nepotism, and reserved for themselves a far greater portion than for the poor. They were completely unwilling to do it by my method, i.e. equally. Then after I said I would not hand over the land at all, they were left with no other choice — they distributed it my way, and the poor came and thanked me [personally].

That’s one example. There are many others: They don’t accept coupons from the poor for paying their rent, they reserve a part of the pasturelands, so they can give them later to someone more convenient, and those who offer bribes … There’s too many stories to count, let alone the various simple, logical household procedures.

The whole day yesterday was difficult. Andrjusha came, he’d got entangled in his debts. He needed eight thousand [roubles], wept and begged forgiveness; the debts are old, and the lenders were unwilling to wait [any longer]. I refused, and he said: “the only thing left is to kill myself” and sobbed. That’s [the state] he departed in. And you know how distressing this has been over my whole life.

While we were having dinner on the terrasse, a young woman approached and requested help for her one-year-old child: [the baby] had fallen [and struck his head] on a window, there was a terrible cut on his head, right to the bone; it was frightful to look at. Sasha took her to the nurse at the Chertkovs’,⁶³³ but she could do nothing [for him], and tomorrow they’re taking the baby to Tula. The absence of a doctor is very much felt here; they’re accustomed to receiving help from us, and everyone comes [to us]. Later, after dinner, to cap off everything, a letter from Dima,⁶³⁴ saying that Chertkov was at Stolypin’s,⁶³⁵ who decisively refused him permission to return home [to Tula Gubernia]. Chertkov asked if he could visit his wife,⁶³⁶ who was ill, to which Stolypin replied that it was up to the police. What hideous despotism!

All this served to upset Lëva and me; he told me: “I’m off to Sweden as soon as I can.” And so you’ve gone, [dear Lëva,] — you’re living and enjoying yourself; whereas I’ve long forgotten what is meant by the joy of life. My heart is always hurting from something, and I keep feeling a pressure on my shoulders, which are [already] so weary with life. Well, farewell, be healthy and cheerful.

S. Tolstaya.

Nº 226 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 428]
13 December 1909. 12 p.m. [Moscow]

Dear Lëvochka, I am joyfully fulfilling your request and am writing to you. I am completely safe and am now on my way to a day-time concert in honour of Haydn⁶³⁷ — just of his works, and Wanda Landowska⁶³⁸ will be at the keyboard. Yesterday I was terribly tired, mainly from a sleepless night and an overheated railway carriage. My little book⁶³⁹ comes out tomorrow at 9 a.m., and the artel worker will be taking it round to bookshops. I’ve been told that a review has already appeared in Russkie vedomosti; I couldn’t find it, but they say it came in for a good deal of praise. Still, I was far more delighted when, for example, I read my story Vanechka aloud just now to [my] little [grandson] Serëzha. He simply melted over it and kept repeating: “How precious!”; the same with Stëpa’s son,⁶⁴⁰ who bears a striking resemblance to his father.

Now, listen, Lëvochka. I’m asking you, as I don’t feel like writing a separate letter to Sasha. All of Serëzha’s family and two of [my] Behrs [relations] will be coming for the entire [Christmas] holiday season. Do ask Il’ja Vasil’evich [Sidorkov] to start heating the annexe right away; I have arranged with the foreman as to which worker should be detailed for this and which wood to use for heating. Sorry for the bother. The frosts can be heavy, and if we don’t start heating now, the walls will freeze through and then it will be all the more difficult to heat the house.

Everything’s fine here; of the people I know, the only one I’ve seen (at the bank) is [Aleksandr Nikiforovich] Dunaev, who is flourishing. I’ve got rather little done, it’s very hard [to take] extremely warm rooms after [being out in] a biting wind and frost, and wearing a heavy fur coat.

Hugs and kisses to you all; I constantly think of you all and worry about you, [Lëva]. Take care of yourself, dear friend.

Your old [wife] Sonja.

Nº 227 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/824]
14 June 1910. Otradnoe.

I am taking advantage of Dimochka’s⁶⁴¹ departure to write to you, dear Sonja. Sasha⁶⁴² wrote to you about our journey and our arrival. The only bad news since then is that Sasha has somewhere caught a strong case of sniffles, but no cough, and she is fine and in good spirits. I’m quite healthy [myself]. I’m living exactly the way I lived at Yasnaya Polyana, the only difference being the absence of visitors and petitioners — which is very pleasant. This is such an interesting region with its unusual zemstvo⁶⁴³ activity. Just three versts from here there is a huge psychiatric hospital with 700 beds, and another, government-run, with 1,500 beds, also psychiatric; [also] a prison [and] a hospital for political prisoners; besides that, recovering mental patients are distributed among the villages. Today I visited one such village, where there are 50 [recovering patients]. I talked with quite a few of them, and one [in particular] is very interesting. Until now I have not been working on anything special. I still keep digging into old stuff.⁶⁴⁴ But I hope to take advantage of [this] leisure time. — However nice it may be to go visiting, home is still better. And I shall come, as I’ve planned, now no later than the 24th,⁶⁴⁵ if everything is going well with me and with you. How are you and how are your activities both in publishing⁶⁴⁶ and at home? Not too bothersome for you? That’s the important thing — more important than all material affairs. I’m very sorry that [my son] Il’ja did not find me. How is he?

Farewell, my dear old wife. Hugs and kisses. ’Till we meet again, I hope.

Your husband

L. T.

14th, evening.

Nº 228 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/831]
14 July 1910. Yasnaya Polyana.

14 July 1910.

1)My current diary I shall not give to anyone; I am keeping it to myself.⁶⁴⁷

2)My old diaries I shall take back from Chertkov and keep myself, probably at the bank.

3)If you are worried by the thought that my diaries, [especially] those passages written under the influence of the moment concerning our disagreements and confrontations, might be used by future biographers who are prejudiced against you, then, apart from the [fact] that such expressions of temporary feelings either in your diaries or mine cannot possibly convey a true concept of our actual relations — if this worries you, I am happy for the opportunity to express in [my] diary, or simply through this [present] letter, my attitude towards you and my appraisal of your life.

My attitude towards you and my appraisal of you are as follows: just as I have loved you from [our] youth, [I can say] that, despite various reasons for the cooling [of our relationship], I have loved you without ceasing and [still] do love you. These reasons were (I am not speaking about the termination of our marital relations — such termination could only erase deceptive expressions of a false love) — the reasons were, [1)] firstly, my greater and greater distancing from the interests of secular life and my feeling of repulsion towards them, while you did not wish to and were not able to part with them, not having in your heart those principles which led me to my convictions, which is quite natural and for which I do not blame you. That’s first. [2)] Secondly (forgive me if I tell you something you may find unpleasant, but what is now taking place between us is so important that we must not fear to tell and to hear the whole truth), secondly, your nature over the past few years has become more and more irritated, despotic and unrestrained. The manifestation of these character traits could not help but cool — [if] not the feeling itself, [then at least] its expression. That’s second. Thirdly, the main cause [of our difficulties] has been disastrous, for which neither you nor I are to blame — it is our diametrically opposite understanding of the meaning and purpose of life. Everything in our conceptions of life has been diametrically opposite: our ways of life, our attitudes to others, our means of life — property, which I have considered a sin and which you [treat] as a necessary condition of life. So as to avoid a parting of our paths, in my own way of life I have subjected myself to what are to me burdensome conditions, while you have taken these as concessions to your views — [as a result of which] the misunderstanding between us has kept growing more and more. There have been other causes of the cooling [of our relationship], for which we are both to blame, but I shall not bring them up, as they are not germane to the issue [at hand]. The thing is that, despite all [our] former misunderstandings, I have [never] stopped loving or appreciating you.

My appraisal of your life with me is as follows: I, as a licentious person, extremely sexually profligate, long past his first [stage of] youth, married you, a pure, good and clever 18-year old girl and, despite my dirty, profligate past, you have lived with me almost 50 years, loving me, in a laborious, difficult life, bearing children, feeding, educating, caring for them and for me, and not giving in to those temptations which could so easily take hold of any strong, healthy and beautiful woman in your situation. But you have lived [your life] in such a way that I have nothing to fault you for. I cannot and do not blame you for not following me in my unique spiritual movement, since each person’s spiritual life is a secret between them and God, and one cannot demand it of others. And if I have demanded this of you, then I have been mistaken and am quite at fault in this.

So this is a true description of my relationship to you, and my appraisal of you. As for what may turn up in my diaries, I only know that there is nothing to be found there that is rude or contrary to what I am writing now.

So that is point 3), concerning what might — and ought not — to trouble you concerning my diaries.

[Point] 4) is this: that if at the moment you are disturbed by my relationship with Chertkov, I am prepared to stop seeing him, although I will say that this is not as unpleasant for me as it is for him, knowing how difficult that will be for him. But, if you wish, I shall do it.

Now [to point] 5): if you do not accept these conditions of mine for a good and peaceful life, then I take back my promise not to leave you. I shall leave — I shall definitely not go to Chertkov’s. I shall even make it a firm condition that he not come and live in my vicinity, but I shall certainly go away, since to go on living the way we are living now is impossible.

I could continue living this way if I were able to patiently put up with your sufferings, but I can’t. When you left yesterday you were distraught and anguished. I was going to lie down, but began — not so much to think — as to ‘feel’ you; I couldn’t sleep and stayed alert until one or two [in the morning], then would wake up again and listen and see you in a dream — or almost in a dream. Give it some quiet thought, dear friend, listen to your heart, feel it, and everything will work out as it should. As for myself I will say that for my part I have worked everything out in such a way that I cannot, cannot act otherwise. My dove, stop the torture — not torturing others, but yourself, because you are suffering a hundred times more than anyone else. That’s all.

Lev Tolstoy.

14 July, morning.

1910

Nº 229 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 432]
15 July 1910 at Yasnaya Polyana.

Lëvochka dear, I am writing to you (rather than telling you) since after a sleepless night it is difficult for me to speak, and I am overwrought and could easily upset everyone again.⁶⁴⁸ But I want to, terribly want to be quiet and clear-headed. I was going over it all last night in my thought, and it became painfully clear to me that you have been caressing me with one hand while showing me a knife with the other. This knife is a threat, and a very poignant one — a threat to go back on your promise and to secretly leave me if I don’t change my ways. So what am I to believe if you can go back on your word the very next day?

The way I am, as of now — I am undoubtedly ill, and after losing my spiritual equilibrium I am suffering as a result. That means, each night like last night I shall be listening [to hear] whether you have gone off somewhere. Each time you go, even if it’s just for a slightly more extended period, I shall worry terribly that you might have left [me] forever. Just think, dear Lëvochka: after all, this [contemplated] departure and [your] threat are tantamount to a threat of murder. How can I live without you? How can I survive if you, without any provocation on my part, abandon me senselessly in my misery — me, who loves you dearly more than ever before? How can I now recover my health under such a threat, afraid day and night that you are abandoning me? And again I’m constantly weeping, and right at the moment I’m shaking all over, and my whole body, my whole body is hurting. Don’t be in haste to go away; after all I’m hoping that I myself will soon pass on; the Lord will indeed be looking down on me. Right now I am suffering for my sins.

Then in Chertkov’s letter, which somehow provoked you to tears, he apparently hopes that you will hand your diaries over [to him] when you are ready, for [his future] work.⁶⁴⁹ Again I feel torn apart day and night by [the thought] that you will hand them over behind my back. My one hope is that you will give me for safekeeping the paper and key to the safety deposit box at the bank.⁶⁵⁰ Give [them to me], my dove. After all, there’s nothing I can really do; everything will be in your name. Relieve me of these two extreme fears which are constantly eating away at me: 1) that you will leave me behind my back; 2) that you will once again give Chertkov the diaries behind my back. After all, truly, I am telling you in all sincerity that I am still quite ill — [you] have to recognise that, there’s no alternative — [if] you think I have temporarily taken leave of my senses, forgive me and help me! I shall not come to say hullo to you, so as not to irritate you with my presence. I shall not say anything more; I am afraid of myself and feel terribly sorry for you, my poor dear, my beloved, taken away from me, torn out of my heart — my husband! And this is a huge wound which hurts! The most painful part of it is that by suffering I am tormenting you. I am the one who needs to leave, and perhaps I shall leave, [at least] for a while!

S. T.

Nº 230 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 433]
24 night–25 July 1910 [Yasnaya Polyana]

Farewell, Lëvochka!⁶⁵¹ I thank you for my former happiness. You have abandoned me for Chertkov; the two of you have made some kind of secret agreement, and [this] evening you said that you are determined to allow yourself freedom of action and will be totally without scruples. What does that mean? What kind of freedom [are you talking about]?

The doctors have advised me to go away and, now that I have left,⁶⁵² you are quite free to keep any secrets à parte and rendez-vous with Chertkov. I can’t look on any of this any longer, I [simply] can’t… I am tired of jealousy, suspicion and the sorrow that you have been taken away from me forever. I tried coming to terms with my unhappiness, [I tried] to meet with Chertkov, and I can’t. — Humiliated by my daughter [Sasha],⁶⁵³ rejected by my husband, I am forsaking my house as long as my place is occupied by Chertkov, and I shall not return until he has left the scene. If the government [decides] to let him stay at Teljatinki, I shall probably never return. Be healthy and happy in your Christian love for Chertkov and all mankind, which for some reason excludes your unhappy wife.

Nº 231 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/833]
1 September 1910. Kochety.

I was hoping for a letter from you today, dear Sonja, but thank you at least for the brief one you wrote to Tanja.⁶⁵⁴

I constantly think about you, and feel your [presence], despite the distance. You care about my physical condition, and I am grateful to you for that, while I am concerned about your mental state. How is it? May God help you in that work which I know you are zealously undertaking for your soul. Even though I am more occupied by spiritual concerns, I still would like to know about your [current] physical health. As for me, if it weren’t for the alarming thoughts about you, which will not leave me, I would be quite content. My health is good; as usual every morning I take my walks, which are most precious to me, during which I jot down fresh thoughts which delight me, then I do reading and writing at home. Today for the first time I started continuing the article⁶⁵⁵ I began writing long ago about the causes of the immoral life which everybody in our time is living. Then I went for an outing — partially on horseback, but mostly on foot. Yesterday Dushan and I rode over to see Matveeva,⁶⁵⁶ and I got worn out, not so much from the ride over — she brought us home in a carriage — as from her very unintelligent chatter. But I don’t regret my trip. I found it interesting and even instructive to observe this environment — coarse, base, rich — [an island] amidst the [general] indigent population. The other day Mavor⁶⁵⁷ was here. He fascinated me with his tales of China and Japan, but I got worn out with him from the pressure of speaking a language⁶⁵⁸ I am not accustomed to and have little [conversational] familiarity with. Today I took a walk. It’s evening now. I am responding to letters, first of all to yours.

How are you making use of your time? Are you going to Moscow and when? I don’t have any definite plans, but I want to do what would be pleasing to you. I hope and trust that I will feel just as fine at Yasnaya as here.

I await a letter from you. Hugs and kisses.

Lev.

1 Sept. 1910.

Nº 232 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 437]
11 September 1910. Kochety.⁶⁵⁹

Dear Lëvochka, I wanted to say a few words to you before we part. But you get so irritated by your conversations with me that it would pain me to upset you.

I would ask you to realise that all my — not demands, as you put it, but desires — have had one source: my love for you, my desire to be apart from you as little as possible, and my annoyance at the invasion of an external influence, highly unfavourable to me, on our long, definitely loving, intimate marital life.

Now that this is out of the picture — while you, unfortunately, regret it, I am infinitely grateful for the great sacrifice which will return to me happiness and life — I swear to you that I shall make every effort peacefully, caringly and joyfully embrace your spiritual and whole life.

After all, there are hundreds of wives that really demand of their husbands a lot: “Let’s go to Paris to the fashion shows, or for gambling, accept my lovers, don’t dare go to the club, buy me diamonds, legitimise the child I had with God knows who, etc., etc.”

The Lord hath delivered me from all sorts of temptations and demands. I was so happy that I have had no wants, and [for that] I can only give thanks to God.

For the first time in my life I have not demanded [anything], but I have still suffered terribly from your cooling attitude towards me and from Chertkov’s interference in our life, and for the first time I have desired, with all my suffering heart, quite possibly the impossible — [i.e.] a restoration of what we had before.

The means [I employed] to achieve this, of course, were the most vile, awkward, unkind and tormenting for you, even more for me, and it gives me considerable grief. I don’t know whether I was self-willed; I think not; everything about me weakened: my will, my heart and soul, and even my body. Rare glimpses of your former love made me incredibly happy all this time, and my love for you, which serves as a basis for all my actions, even those which smack of jealousy or insanity, has never waned, and it shall be with me until the end of my life. Farewell, dear, and don’t get angry over this letter.

Your wife, and yours for ever, just Sonja.

Nº 233 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 438]
14 October 1910. [Yasnaya Polyana]

It seems that every day you are asking me with concern about my health, about how I slept, and every day there are new attacks which burn my heart; they are shortening my life and constantly tormenting me, and I cannot stop myself from suffering.

This new blow, [your] evil action regarding the denial of copyright [protection] to your many descendants,⁶⁶⁰ Fate deemed me worthy of discovering, although your accomplice in this told you not to convey it to me or the family.

He [Chertkov] threatened to play a dirty trick on me⁶⁶¹ — me and the family — and he carried out this [threat] brilliantly, tricking you into [signing] the paper renouncing [your copyright]. The government, which you and he have excoriated and lambasted in every which way in all your leaflets — will now legally take away from your heirs their last piece of bread and hand it over to the Sytins and various rich printshop owners and swindlers, while at the same time Tolstoy’s grandchildren will die of hunger thanks to [Chertkov’s] evil and vainglorious volition.

And the government, the State bank will not permit Tolstoy’s wife to have access to his diaries.

Step by step, through its various actions, Christian love murders the person closest to one (in my sense, not yours) — one’s wife, on whose part there have never, ever, been any evil actions, and there are none now, apart from the most acute sufferings. I still feel even now various threats hanging over me. And so, Lëvochka, [when] you go praying on your walks, as you pray, think hard about what you are doing under pressure from this evildoer: snuff out evil, open your heart, awaken love and good rather than malice and wrongdoing, or the vainglorious pride (in regard to your copyright), hatred towards me, to the person that, in loving you, has given you her whole life and love…

Should you happen to suppose that I am being motivated by self-interest, then I am personally, officially, willing, like our daughter Tanja,⁶⁶² to relinquish my rights to my husband’s inheritance. What would I need it for? It is evident that I shall soon depart from this life one way or another. I am terrified, if I should survive you, of the evil that could arise over your grave and in the memories of our children and grandchildren. Snuff it out, Lëvochka, while you’re still alive! Awaken and soften your heart, awaken in it God and the love which you preach with such vehemence to mankind.

S. T.

Nº 234 – LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA
[PSS 84/837]
28 October 1910. Yasnaya Polyana.

My departure will upset you.⁶⁶³ I am sorry about that, but understand and believe that I could not act any other way. My situation at home is becoming, has become, unbearable. Apart from everything else, [since] I can no longer live in these conditions of luxury in which I have been living, I am doing what elderly people of my age generally do: give up on worldly life and go off to spend the final days of their lives in solitude and quietude.

Please understand this and don’t come after me, even if you [happen to] find out where I am. Your arrival on the scene will only worsen your situation and mine, but will not affect my decision. I thank you for your 48 years of honest life with me, and I ask you to forgive me for everything for which I am to blame in your sight, just as I forgive you with all my heart for everything for which you might be to blame in my sight. I advise you to come to terms with these new circumstances in which my departure places you, and don’t harbour any unkind feelings towards me. If you wish to communicate with me, do it through Sasha; she will know where I am and will forward to me whatever is necessary. She cannot tell you where I am, since I have her word that she will tell this to no one.

Lev Tolstoy.

28 Oct.

I have tasked Sasha with collecting my things and manuscripts and sending them to me.

L. T.

On the envelope: To Sofia Andreevna.

Nº 235 – SOFIA ANDREEVNA TOLSTAYA LEV NIKOLAEVICH TOLSTOY
[LSA 439]
[29 October 1910. Yasnaya Polyana]

Lëvochka, my dove, come back home, my dear, save me from another suicide [attempt].⁶⁶⁴ Lëvochka, my lifelong friend, I shall do everything you wish; I shall renounce luxury altogether; the two of us shall be on friendly terms with your friends; I shall take treatment, I shall be meek; come back, my precious, my precious! After all, you must save me; after all, it says in the Gospel, too, that one must not forsake one’s wife under any circumstance. My precious, my dove, my soul-friend, save me, come back, come back at least so that we can say farewell to each other before we part for eternity.

Where are you? Where? Are you healthy? Lëvochka, don’t torment me so, my dove; I shall serve you with love and with my whole heart and soul, come back to me, come back, for God’s sake, for the sake of that love of God which you proclaim to everyone; I shall give you that same meek and self-sacrificing love! I sincerely and solemnly promise, my dove, and we shall simplify everything on friendly terms; we shall go away, wherever you wish; we shall live as you wish.

Farewell, forever, perchance forever.

Yours, Sonja.

Have you really left me forever? You know I shall not survive this misfortune, you know you will kill me [by this]. Precious, save me from sin; after all, you cannot be happy and at peace if you kill me.

Lëvochka, my dear friend, don’t conceal from me where you are, and allow me to come and see you, my dove; I shall not upset you, I give you my word; I shall treat you meekly, and with love.

Here are all my children, but they will not help me with their self-confident despotism; I need but one thing, I need your love; it is vital that I see you. My friend, allow me at least to say farewell to you, and tell you for the last time how much I love you. Summon me, or come to me yourself. Farewell, Lëvochka, I am still seeking you and calling you. How my soul is in torment!