1

The first rule of being a McSweeney’s writer is to defy literary conventions. In this case, I have broken with convention by quoting myself in the prelude. In doing so, I evoke a response from the reader that makes him/her think, Now there’s something I ain’t seen before. He sure must be book-smart.

2

Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter was a founder of Spy, a direct competitor of Eggers’s Might Magazine. Many have suggested Carter’s assertion that irony is dead was an attempt to undermine rival editor David Eggers’s career and thus prove that earnest celebrity interviews with Tom Cruise are more literary than sarcastic, self-reflexive short stories and experimental criticism. Actually, disregard this rubbish. I just wanted to add some superfluous footnoting to illustrate how it’s done.

3

Though Heidi Julavits is the official editor of The Believer, Eggers’s fingerprints are all over the publication, and if you breathe deeply while reading, you may even catch a whiff of his English Leather cologne coming from its pages. (Reportedly, he sometimes wears Chaps.) Eggers recently compiled The Future Dictionary of America, coscripted a play, and continues to publish books by other McSweeney’s authors while being fed grapes by lifelike androids with breasts that are “just the right size.”

4

In addition to countless hours studying McSweeney’s texts, the secrets unveiled in this study are a result of undercover research by Blue Lagoon’s Christopher Atkins. A dead ringer for Eggers after dying his hair brown, Atkins posed as Eggers and successfully infiltrated the secret McSweeney’s lair to help us conduct our study.

5

Though this list of rules is intended for anyone who wants to be a writer, tangential interludes (such as the one above) are recommended specifically for the McSweeney’s writer.

6

Despite his popularity and plot-driven style, Stephen King is now quietly embraced by the McSweeney’s literati, since he was embraced by the New York Times as a modern-day Dickens. He is an exception to the “plot is to be avoided” rule.