Paradise
The last three days had been agonizing, with funeral arrangements being made and then Eddie’s viewing. It had been all Vic could do to look at his brother’s cold, lifeless body, lying in an Amish-made coffin inside his parents’ home. Family members, friends, and others in their community had come to pay their respects. Vic felt as if the weight of the universe rested on his shoulders. He couldn’t eat, barely slept, and wasn’t able to work. Fortunately, his boss had given him a week off for bereavement, but it wouldn’t be long enough. Regardless, he would have to return to work when the week was up, or they would have no money coming in. At a time like this, Vic actually wished his wife did have a job that would help pay the bills.
He wandered around the house, wearing nothing but a pair of old trousers. The weather had turned stifling hot and muggy, and he could not stand the feel of a shirt clinging to his body like flypaper. Truth was, he hadn’t been able to stand much of anything the past few days. Nothing took his mind off the image of his little brother’s body facedown in the pond. If I’d just gotten there a little sooner, maybe I could have saved Eddie. If I’d known he was planning to sneak off to the water by himself, I would have stopped him.
Vic’s head jerked at the sound of Eleanor’s voice calling him to get dressed for his brother’s funeral. His neck bent forward as his stomach clenched. He had no idea how he would make it through this day.
“Vic, are you coming?” Eleanor stepped into the living room. “If we don’t leave soon, we’re going to be late.”
Vic swiped a hand across his sweaty forehead and flinched. Short of death or coming down with some serious illness, he couldn’t get out of going to his brother’s funeral service this morning. Then there’d be the graveside committal and a light meal at his parents’ home. He grimaced. If only I had something to help squelch the pain.
“Vic, did you hear what I said?” Eleanor stepped up to him and touched his arm.
“Jah, I heard.” He hesitated a moment then walked out of the room and down the hall toward their bedroom, feeling as though he was moving in slow motion. A part of Vic wanted to pray and ask God to help him get through the day, but then he was reminded that God hadn’t cared enough to answer his prayer to save Eddie, so why should he bother to pray for anything now?
Eleanor couldn’t miss her red-rimmed eyes as she looked in the bathroom mirror to set her white head covering in place. She’d not only shed tears because of Eddie’s passing, but she also hadn’t gotten enough sleep these past few days. Every night, she had lain awake for several hours, worrying about and praying for her husband, as well as the rest of his family. Eleanor couldn’t imagine what it must be like for Susie and Ethan to have lost one of their children. It wasn’t normal—not the natural order of things—for a young child to die before his parents. Even to lose a baby while it was still in the womb would be difficult. She remembered how sad her mother had been when she’d had a miscarriage six years after Eleanor was born. Although Eleanor had been too young to understand it all, she’d seen Mom’s tears and heard her sobs.
Eleanor was thankful that her parents would be at the funeral today. Although they’d only met Vic’s family on the day of her and Vic’s wedding, they’d told Eleanor when she’d notified them of Eddie’s passing that they wanted to attend the funeral to offer their support to her and Vic, as well as to his parents and siblings. Her folks had arrived late last night and insisted on staying at a hotel near Strasburg. Eleanor had invited them to stay with her and Vic, but Mom said they didn’t want to impose. Eleanor appreciated this courtesy on her parents’ part, as it would have been difficult to have anyone at the house last night with the way Vic had been dealing with Eddie’s death. When she’d last spoken to her mother at the hotel, she’d filled her in about how bad Vic felt over the loss of his young brother. Mom had commented that she could ask Dad to speak with Vic, if she thought it would be helpful. But Eleanor simply thanked her mother and explained that the topic was too painful for Vic to discuss with anyone at this time. She hoped that no one would say the wrong thing to Vic at the funeral today.
The whole situation was hard on Eleanor, not knowing what to expect. Vic had been different since the accident, and she wanted her old husband back. But what could she do? She wasn’t sure how to deal with the way he’d closed himself off from the people who cared deeply for him. Eleanor prayed for help in caring for her husband. How long would this trial go on until things turned around and became bearable? Only God knew the answer to that question, and she would have to trust Him through this ordeal.
Eleanor’s thoughts came to a halt when she spotted Vic in the hallway outside the open door of the bathroom. He was fully dressed, in the same black Amish men’s attire he wore on Sundays. Eleanor’s dress was also black, as would be the color of the clothing the other mourners wore on this solemn occasion.
“Is the horse and carriage ready?” she inquired.
With lips pressed together, Vic nodded, making no eye contact with her.
At a loss for words, Eleanor clasped her husband’s arm and walked him to the front door, much like one would lead a child. Although this day would be heart-wrenching for all, she hoped that in the weeks ahead, Vic would come to grips with his brother’s death and stop blaming himself for something that could not be undone.
Strasburg
Susie wasn’t sure how she or their family members had made it through Eddie’s two-and-a-half-hour funeral service, held at their home, but here they were, standing at the Amish cemetery, watching as her little boy’s six-sided coffin was lowered with ropes into the predug grave. The raw, painful emotions welling up in her soul screamed for release. Somehow, by the grace of God, Susie had held herself in check during the funeral service. But the finality of viewing the pallbearers shovel dirt into the hole to cover the pine casket was nearly her undoing. Why, Lord? Why did You allow our son to drown? She kept replaying the nagging questions, even though no answers would come. Susie had always been a cheerful, positive person, but she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to smile or laugh again.
Susie was fully aware that her husband was also grieving, and so were their four remaining children. She heard muffled sobs from Clara and Kate, while Victor and Stephen, along with the other four pallbearers, continued to fill in the grave.
My poor sons, Susie thought, as she continued to observe their sorrowful faces. Although I am certain that Victor and Stephen are hurt in different ways, they are both grieving heavily over the loss of their brother.
Susie glanced back at her husband. The lines of fatigue and devastation showed clearly on his bearded face. Does Ethan think, like I do, that we should have spent more quality time doing fun things with Eddie when we had the chance? Now it’s too late, and there’s no way to undo the past. What’s done is done, and we have to find the strength and courage to move on. Susie closed her eyes in prayer. Lord, please help me and each member of our family to accept Eddie’s death as Your will. Help us in the days ahead not to cast blame upon anyone for the accident—especially not on our son Victor. He already blames himself and is hurting too much.
Vic’s muscles tensed and sweat rolled down his back in rivulets as he stood with the others to silently pray the Lord’s Prayer. He couldn’t do it, however. All Vic could manage was a six-word prayer: Why did You take my brother? No answer to his question came, of course. God was silent and probably pointing a finger at Vic, just as he was doing himself. There was nothing anyone could say or do to change the fact that, for the rest of his days, he would have to live with the guilt he felt over his brother’s death.
When the brief committal ended, Vic hurried off to his horse and buggy to wait for Eleanor. He saw his wife across the way, talking with her parents, but there was no way he could join them right now. All Vic really wanted to do was to be alone with his negative thoughts and pent-up emotions. He had an obligation to go back to his parents’ home for the meal some of the women in their church district had prepared, but the idea of trying to eat nearly made him gag. Even worse was the thought of having to talk to well-meaning people offering their condolences and trying to say the right things. There are no right things to be said at this time, Vic told himself as he swallowed past the lump in his burning throat. I certainly have nothing right to say to anybody, and I have no wish to hear what anyone might say to me.
When it was time to eat, Eleanor went looking for Vic. He’d wandered off toward the barn shortly after they’d arrived at his parents’ house after leaving the cemetery. It was rude not to talk to anyone, but she couldn’t really blame him. He’d told her on the trip from Paradise to Strasburg this morning that he dreaded having to make conversation with anyone today. Vic had stated firmly that he wanted to be left alone.
He needs to eat a little something and spend some time with his family and close friends at least, Eleanor thought as she made her way across the yard toward the barn, where she figured he might still be.
When she entered the oversized building where the funeral service had been held in order to accommodate all the people, it appeared to be empty. The usual smell of horse flesh and nose-tickling straw had been cleaned and swept away in preparation for the benches that had been placed here for the service.
Although the barn was devoid of the usual thump of horses’ hooves in their stalls and the skittering noise of cats scampering across the floor, the sound of gut-wrenching sobs could be heard coming from somewhere near the back of the barn.
Eleanor felt sure it was Vic, releasing the emotions he’d kept bottled up all morning. While it was good for him to get those feelings out, it broke her heart to hear his pain. She felt a deep need to go to him and offer comfort.
Following the sound of his increasing cries, she made her way past the empty horse stalls. When she approached the last one, she found her distraught husband curled up in a fetal position in one corner of the cubicle, shivering and weeping like a small child who had lost his favorite toy and could not be consoled. Only it wasn’t a toy Vic had lost—it was his little brother whom he’d loved so much.
Eleanor knelt beside her husband, cradling him with her arms. “Let it out, Vic, let it all out. You have the right to grieve.”
He continued to sob, rocking back and forth in Eleanor’s arms, and she cried with him.
Once their tears subsided, she stroked his damp cheeks with the palm of her hand. “I’m here for you, Vic—now and for as long as you need me.”
“I need you more than ever,” he murmured. “Can you promise that you will always love me?”
With a gentle touch, she stroked his forehead. “Of course, my love. I’m your wife, and I will always love you.” She took hold of his hand. “Can you go in the house with me now and have a little something to eat? I’m sure there are several people inside who are waiting to speak with you.”
He sat up straight, pulled a hankie from the pocket of his trousers, and blew his nose. “I need to go home.”
“Vic, we can’t go yet. It wouldn’t be right to leave your family so soon after—”
“It might not be right, but I can’t face any of them this afternoon.” A muscle clenched along his jawline. “I mean it, Eleanor. I can’t go in and act as if nothing is wrong.”
“No one is asking you to act a certain way. You just need to—”
He held up one hand. “I’m going home now. The question is: Are you coming with me?”
Eleanor had to make a decision, and quickly, for Vic was already on his feet. If she said no to his request, he would undoubtedly go home without her, and that would be more embarrassing than the two of them leaving together. Besides, it would mean she’d have to find another way home later on.
After a moment’s hesitation, she nodded. “I will go inside and let your family and my folks know that we are leaving. If they ask why, I’ll tell them that you’re not feeling well.” Which you’re obviously not, she mentally added.
“Fine. I’ll be waiting out by our horse and buggy.” He gripped her arm. “Please hurry, Eleanor. If I stay here much longer, I might say or do something to embarrass you.”
“I’ll join you shortly. I promise.” She followed Vic as he hurried from the barn. Before they went their separate ways, she paused and said, “I think it would be a good idea if you sat on the passenger’s side of the buggy, and I’ll take the reins for the ride home.”
Eleanor felt relieved when Vic nodded. It would not be good for him to drive the horse in his emotionally charged condition. Eleanor could only hope and pray that Vic’s family would be understanding, and that in the coming weeks, things would get better for Vic and everyone who had been hurt so deeply by Eddie’s passing.