Throughout the rest of the summer and into September, Vic managed to keep his promise to Eleanor and stayed away from drinking any alcoholic beverages. To combat the continued feelings of self-hatred and blame for Eddie’s death, Vic kept as busy as he could, sometimes driving himself into a state of exhaustion. Instead of coming home after work and collapsing on the couch, he found extra projects to do around their place.
This tactic also kept Vic’s wife off his case, with all the concern she kept saying she had for him. Vic didn’t enjoy being mothered by Eleanor, which she often seemed to do. Telling him what he should or shouldn’t do, as if he were a child, had gotten his dander up on more than one occasion. A little too much mothering, and he’d lose his patience real quick. He couldn’t understand after telling her repeatedly not to treat him like a child why she would turn around and do it again. Vic loved his wife and hoped that one of these days she’d figure out what he needed. But for now it was the same old thing around the house: Eleanor would nag him about what he was or wasn’t doing.
Since today was Saturday and he didn’t have to report for work, Vic planned to build Checkers a bigger, better doghouse that he could go into more easily when he was inside his pen. He could have asked his dad to build the doghouse, since that was one of the many things Dad made in his shop. But building it himself would give Vic another excuse to keep busy. He would get started on the doghouse right after breakfast.
Eleanor placed a platter of scrambled eggs mixed with cubed ham on the table and took the seat across from Vic. After they’d prayed silently, she passed the platter to Vic and smiled. “It looks like it’s going to be nice today, and thankfully, a lot cooler now that fall is here and we’re in the beginning of October.”
“What?” Vic’s head came up, and he set the platter down. “What day is it?”
“October first. I turned the page over from September to October after I came into the kitchen this morning.” Eleanor gestured to the calendar on the far wall.
Vic leaped out of his chair and rushed over to take a look. Sure enough, it was the first day of October. “It’s Eddie’s birthday. He would have … And should have turned nine today.” Vic winced at the realization and thought about the Legos he’d given his brother last year. He had no idea what his mother had done with Eddie’s toys and wondered if she’d thrown them out or given them to some other family’s kid.
“Birthdays, Christmas, and other special occasions are a time when we think about our loved ones who have passed on.”
Although Vic figured his wife’s words were meant to be comforting, they hit him with the force of a freight train. He didn’t need a birthday or some other special day to remind him that Eddie was gone, because the pain was always with him. Even more so today, however. Vic could still see the look of joy on his little brother’s face when the family had gotten together to celebrate Eddie’s eighth birthday. If I’d had any idea it was going to be his last, Vic berated himself, I would have done things differently.
“The eggs are getting cold,” Eleanor said as Vic continued to stand there, staring at the calendar.
He turned to look at her and shook his head. “I’ve lost my appetite.”
“You really should eat something. You’ve gotten so thin since—”
He pointed a finger in her direction. “Don’t start nagging again. I’ll eat when I want, and I don’t need to be mothered. If I did, I’d still be living at home, listening to my mamm telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.” Vic grabbed his jacket off the wall peg near the back door and put it on.
“Where are you going?”
“Out to the barn. I still have some chores out there that need to get done.”
“Can’t they wait until after you’ve eaten?”
Vic’s irritation mounted. “Weren’t you listening to what I said before—I have no appetite.” Vic grabbed his hat, slapped it on his head, and rushed out the door without giving Eleanor a chance to respond. He wanted to be alone, and if he was being honest with himself, he desperately needed something that would quiet his pent-up emotions.
Eleanor looked at Checkers, asleep on the throw rug in front of the sink. She was surprised that he hadn’t gotten up and followed Vic out the door.
I wish I’d never said anything about it being October first, Eleanor fretted. I wouldn’t have mentioned it if I’d remembered that today would have been Eddie’s birthday. She looked at her husband’s empty plate and took a deep breath to calm herself. She’d thought Vic was doing a little better, but seeing him so upset, she couldn’t help but worry. I hope he won’t turn to alcohol again. Drinking is not the answer to Vic’s problems. She released a heavy sigh. What her husband needed most was to talk about his feelings with someone who had been through something similar and had dealt with their emotions constructively. She wondered if any of their church leaders could help Vic deal with his problem.
It was getting old, having him snap at her so often, when all she was trying to do was show some concern for his well-being. I wouldn’t mind talking about my feelings to someone about this, she thought. It might help my nerves to settle down if I could pour out my pent-up emotions. Sometimes when Vic snaps at me, I just want to let out my anger, but I’m sure that would only make things worse.
Eleanor took a sip of tea. Should I go ahead and speak to the bishop or one of the ministers about Vic? She tipped her head, weighing her choices. If I did talk to one of them, they would probably approach Vic, and then he’d suspect that I had turned to the church leader for help, which I am certain he would not appreciate.
Eleanor set her empty cup down. I’d better pray about this before I say anything to anyone. I don’t want to do something that would upset Vic even more, which in turn could affect our marriage in a negative way.
Vic entered his horse’s stall and picked up the brush. “At least you won’t get on my case about anything, will you, boy?” He patted the horse while it munched on some hay. “You’ve got it made, that’s for sure. No worries, just eating, sleeping, and a little exercise to keep you fit.” As he groomed Domino, Vic began devising a plan. If he could just drink one or two beers, he would feel more relaxed. It had worked before, when he was at Tom’s place. Only Vic had learned his lesson and would stop at two. The problem was he didn’t have any beer here, and if he went to one of the local stores to get some, he might be seen by someone he knew while he was purchasing the beer. He grimaced. That would not be a good thing.
Vic stopped brushing Domino and planted his feet in a wide stance. I know just what to do. I’ll hitch my horse to the buggy, drive over to Tom’s place, and see if he has a few beers I can buy. Maybe I could even drink them while I’m there, because if I bring the beer home and drink here in the barn, I’d be taking the chance that Eleanor might walk in, not to mention that I’d have to make sure the empty cans were well hidden beneath other garbage in the can. Then again, I could hide it in the barn. There are places Eleanor never goes.
Vic gave Domino a few pats. “How about it, big fellow? You ready to go for a ride?”
The horse’s response was a little whinny, and then Domino turned his head and nuzzled Vic’s hand.
Vic’s forehead wrinkled. If Eleanor sees me pull out of the yard, with no explanation, she’ll be worried and upset. Guess I’d better go tell her that I’m leaving and come up with some kind of a believable excuse.
Eleanor had cleared the dishes from the table and was about to put the leftover scrambled eggs in the refrigerator when the back door opened and Vic entered the house. She assumed he had changed his mind about eating.
“Did you get your chores done in the barn?” she asked.
He nodded.
“There are plenty of eggs left. Would you like me to put them in a skillet and reheat them for you?”
“No, that’s okay. I hitched my gaul, and I’m going into town, so I’ll be gone for a while.”
“Oh?” Eleanor poked her tongue against the inside of her cheek. “I didn’t realize you’d be going anywhere today. You never said anything about it before.” She picked up the egg container and put it away in the refrigerator. Eleanor waited for his response and wondered if he was still upset with her from the things she’d said earlier.
Vic reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. “I … um … didn’t know I’d need to go until now.”
“Would you like me to go with you? I can soak the dishes and be ready to leave shortly.”
Vic shook his head. “No, don’t bother. I can get done with my errands a lot quicker if I’m by myself.”
Eleanor’s voice dropped as she whispered a quiet, “Oh, I see.” She couldn’t help feeling disappointed. What had happened to the man she’d married, who used to enjoy spending time with her? Had his brother’s death changed him so much that he didn’t want to be with her anymore?
“Don’t look so down in the mouth. I’ll be back before you know it. Besides, I’m sure you have plenty of things here to do that’ll keep you busy while I’m gone.”
Eleanor didn’t bother to refute what he’d said. She just told him goodbye and went to the sink to wash the dishes. A few seconds later, she heard the back door shut and knew that Vic had gone.
Hot tears pricked the back of her eyes. Will anything ever be right in this house again?
As Vic neared Tom’s place, he thought after he’d had some beer and left Tom’s house, he should go into town to purchase something. That way he would return home with whatever he purchased and Eleanor wouldn’t suspect that he had lied to her. Vic had set a tarp in the back of his open buggy to cover up the beer if he was able to buy some from Tom. When he went to town, the alcohol would be out of sight from anyone who might look in the back of his open rig. It wouldn’t be good if another Amish person walked by Vic’s buggy and saw beer inside. No doubt the news would get out and around pretty fast in their community.
He gave the reins a jiggle. I’ll just swing by the hardware store after I’m done at Tom’s and take a look at some paint for Checkers’ new doghouse. That way my wife won’t give my errand any thought.
When Vic guided his horse and buggy onto his coworker’s driveway, he was relieved to see Tom’s truck parked in front of the garage, which meant he must be home. I sure hope he has some beer I can buy.
Since there was no hitching rail in this English man’s yard, Vic got out of his buggy and tied Domino to a fence post. Then, after taking the porch stairs two at a time, he knocked on the front door. Several seconds passed, and then Tom, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, pulled the door open.
“Well, this is a surprise.” Tom pointed to the fence post. “I see you found a place to secure your horse.”
Vic nodded. “I hope you don’t mind.”
“As long as he doesn’t pull the fence down, it’s perfectly fine.” Tom stepped onto the porch in his bare feet. “So what brings you to my house this morning?”
Feeling a bit unsure of himself all of a sudden, Vic stuck both hands in his jacket pockets while shuffling his feet a few times. “I—uh—was wondering if you might have some beer I could buy.”
Tom’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding, right?”
Vic shook his head.
“Have you forgotten how things turned out the last time you were here?”
“No, I remember.”
“Then what are you looking for today—a repeat performance?”
“Course not. I just want some beer, which I’ll pay you for, of course.”
“Why are you asking me? Why don’t you go to the store and get your own beer, which I’m guessing you think you must need.”
Without commenting on how badly he needed the beer, Vic replied, “I can’t take the chance of anyone I know seeing me at a store with beer in my hands.”
“So you’re man enough to drink it but afraid to let anyone know?”
Vic shrugged his shoulders. “I guess so, if that’s how you want to put it.”
Tom leaned against the doorjamb. “Why now? What’s brought you to the point that you think you need alcohol again?”
Vic explained about it being his brother’s birthday and said he needed the beer to help him relax and hopefully forget.
“It’ll do that, all right,” Tom said. “But remember, it’s only a temporary fix. When the buzz wears off, reality always sets in.”
“I know.” Vic pulled out his wallet. “Do you have some I can buy or not?”
“Yeah. I bought a whole case after I dropped you off at your home yesterday. I can sell you half, if you want that much.”
“I do.” Vic bobbed his head, feeling a mixture of guilt and relief.
“I assume you’ll be taking it back to your home?”
“Yeah, but I don’t want my wife to see it, so I won’t take it in the house.” Vic pulled his fingers through the ends of his ever-growing beard. “I can hide my beer in the barn.”
“How do you know your wife won’t find it there? I’m sure there must be occasions when she goes into the barn.”
“Yeah, of course.” Vic held on to the brim of his hat as a gust of wind came up. “There are plenty of places to hide things there, so I’m not worried.”
“Okay, whatever you say.” Tom stepped into his house and told Vic to follow him.
Vic’s throat tightened and he swallowed hard. Sure hope I’m not making a mistake, keeping the beer in the barn. But I’m fairly certain I can find a safe place to hide the stuff there, and Eleanor will be none the wiser. The only thing I’ll have to worry about is making sure she doesn’t smell the booze on my breath. And I can’t allow myself to get drunk again, because then she would know for sure what I’ve been up to.