Sunday morning, as Vic sat on a backless wooden bench, listening to their bishop, Michael Zook, preach, it was all he could do not to bolt. Although Vic had not said the words out loud, he dreaded going to church every other Sunday. Sometimes on their off-Sundays, Eleanor would suggest that they visit another church district, but Vic always made up some excuse not to go. It was too difficult to sit for three hours, listening to songs and sermons he wasn’t sure he believed anymore. He couldn’t help feeling that the Lord had let him down. Vic struggled with this issue day in and day out. If only there was a way to fix what had happened, but the truth was, he couldn’t do a single thing about the past. It was gone and lost forever.
The bishop’s sermon today was on the topic of faith and how Christians should not allow their faith to waver during difficult times.
That’s easy enough for him to say, Vic thought. He’s not responsible for the death of his brother.
“Without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him,” the bishop quoted from Hebrews 11:6.
Vic still believed in God and had acknowledged Christ as his Savior the day he’d gotten baptized and joined the church. But he’d never fully committed his life to Jesus and rarely took the time for Bible reading and devotions at home. This had been especially true since Eddie’s passing. Although Vic felt responsible for his little brother’s death, he was angry at God for allowing it to happen.
His jaw clenched and he dug his fingers into the palms of his hands. Why, Lord? Why did You take my little brother? Why couldn’t it have been me? Vic swallowed hard. How many times had he asked those questions? Of course, no answer had ever come.
A young child sitting on his father’s lap on the bench in front of Vic began to fuss. Vic watched as the Amish man gently patted the baby’s back. It seemed to do the trick, for the little one quieted right down.
I hope Eleanor and I never have any children, Vic thought, because I’m not dependable and would not be a good father.
After church was over and the noon meal had been served, Vic went out to check on Domino. His horse had acted kind of spooky on the ride to church, and Vic wanted to be sure the animal hadn’t broken free or become tangled. When he got to the line of horses, Vic was relieved to see that Domino was okay and appeared to be quite docile. Vic concluded that the horse should be fine until Eleanor was ready to go, which he hoped would be soon, because he didn’t feel like socializing with anyone today.
Vic walked over to where his buggy was parked, thinking he might get in and take a nap, but before he could put one foot into the buggy, his dad showed up.
“Hey, Son, you’re not leaving already, are you?” Dad questioned.
Vic shook his head. “Not yet. I’m feeling kind of tired today and thought I’d rest for a while, until my fraa is ready to go.”
“Busy week at work, huh?”
“Jah. Always busy, and some days more than others.”
“I understand.” Dad gestured to Vic’s carriage. “Why don’t we both get in? We can rest our weary bones and visit awhile.”
Vic was not in the mood to talk, but he could hardly tell his dad no. He and Mom weren’t a part of this church district, since they lived in Strasburg. However, Vic was sure they’d come all this way today so they could see him and Eleanor, and he would not turn his dad aside.
“Okay.” Vic climbed into the driver’s side, and Dad went around to the left and took his seat on the passenger’s side. He didn’t mind a little idle chat with his father, but it appeared from the expression on Dad’s face that it was going to be more of a serious talk. I hope he doesn’t mention anything about Eddie. I’m not up for that today. In fact, I’d like to avoid talking about my little brother with anyone, because all it does is increase the agony I feel over his untimely death.
“Other than being tired from work, how are you doing in other ways?” Dad placed his hand on Vic’s arm as he looked over at him.
Vic shifted on his seat. “I’m getting by. How about you?”
“Yesterday, with it being Eddie’s birthday, was kind of tough.”
Vic just swallowed around the thickness that had formed in his throat. He really did not want to talk about this.
“Was Saturday kind of hard for you too?” Dad persisted.
He’s not going to let the topic drop. Releasing his father’s hand from his arm, Vic stared straight ahead. “Yeah, it bothered me a lot.” He felt his facial muscles quiver and wished he could control the action. “Eddie should not have died. He was cheated out of his whole life.”
“But he’s in heaven now. I’m certain of it. Don’t you find that comforting?”
Vic shrugged. “Guess I would if I was there with him.”
Dad clasped Vic’s arm again. “It wasn’t your time to go.”
“Maybe it should have been.” Vic couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his tone.
“Please don’t talk that way, Son. I’m sure you don’t mean it.”
“Jah, I do. And can we please change the subject? I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
Dad opened his mouth like he was about to say something more when Eleanor stepped up to the buggy. “I saw you come out here and figured you must be ready to go, Vic, but now I have a feeling I’m interrupting something.”
Vic shook his head. “We weren’t saying anything important, and I am more than ready to go.”
She glanced over at Vic’s father. “I’m truly sorry for the interruption.”
“It’s fine,” he said. “There are some other people here today who I’d like talk to, so I’ll do that right now.” He gave a nod and sprinted across the grass to where a group of men stood talking near the barn.
Vic’s brows lowered as he turned to Eleanor and said, “Go ahead and get in the buggy. I’ll be back soon with my horse, and then we can be on our way home.”
Eleanor sat rigidly on her seat as they headed in the direction of home. She wished she knew what Vic and his dad had been talking about but thought it would be best not to ask. If Vic wanted her to know, he would tell her.
Well, maybe not, she told herself. Vic hasn’t shared much of anything with me lately. I really wish he would open up and talk to me about his feelings—or anything else, for that matter.
Eleanor reached over and placed her hand on his knee. “What did you think of the bishop’s sermon today?”
“It was okay, I guess.”
“I think we all needed the reminder that without faith it’s impossible to please God.”
Vic kept his gaze on the road ahead.
Eleanor folded her hands in her lap. “I sat next to your mamm during our noon meal today. She didn’t say too much, other than that yesterday had been difficult for her. I’m sure it was hard for everyone in your family.”
Once again, Vic did not comment.
What is wrong with him? Why won’t he talk to me? Eleanor released a heavy sigh. What was the point in trying to communicate with her husband when all he did was sit there not saying a word? She decided to remain quiet for the rest of the way home, but tomorrow, after Vic left for work, Eleanor would definitely make a trip to see the bishop and his wife.
An hour after Vic left for work the next day, Eleanor had hitched her horse to the buggy and was on her way to Michael and Letty Zook’s home. She hoped they would be there and have some free time to talk to her about Vic. Eleanor had also written another letter to Doretta this morning, asking for continued prayer. She still had not mentioned anything about Vic’s drinking episode, but since he hadn’t gotten drunk again and to her knowledge had not indulged in drinking any more alcohol, she’d chosen not to mention it to Doretta. But if Vic had kept drinking, she probably would have felt the need to tell her friend about it, because she trusted Doretta not to say anything to anyone about the things Eleanor wrote in her letters.
Eleanor’s thoughts took a new direction when she approached the Zooks’ home and guided Buttons up the driveway. Michael was getting up in years and no longer worked at the shoe-and-boot store he owned, so she hoped he might be home.
After securing her horse to the rail, Eleanor climbed down and reached inside the buggy to get the container of cookies she’d brought along.
Letty and Michael lived in the newer addition that Eleanor had been told was added onto their original home a few years ago, for the grandparents to live in. Their son, David, and his wife, Salome, now lived in the big house with their four children. David had taken over the shoe-and-boot store, but on occasion Michael would go there to help out. Their business sat out in front of their home, and coming in today, Eleanor had seen several buggies parked outside, which meant that the shop had customers.
Eleanor wondered how things would be when she and Vic were Letty and Michael’s age. Would they have any children to take care of them?
As she made her way up the path to the daadihaus, Eleanor stepped around several hens clucking and scratching at the ground.
Maybe I should raise some chickens, she thought. It would give us fresh eggs, and maybe I could even sell some to the neighbors or other people in our area who might enjoy getting eggs that aren’t store bought. I’ll talk to Vic about it soon.
Eleanor stepped onto the porch and knocked on the door. It didn’t take long until it opened and Letty greeted her with a welcoming smile. “It’s nice to see you, Eleanor. I didn’t get the chance to speak to you yesterday after church, so I’m glad you came by.” A few strands of gray hair peeked out from under the sides of the elderly woman’s kapp, and she pushed them back into place before giving Eleanor a hug. “Please, come inside and take a seat.”
“These kichlin are for you.” Eleanor handed the container of cookies to Letty.
“Danki, how thoughtful of you.” Letty smiled. “Would you care for a cup of tea or some coffee? We could have some of your cookies to go with it.”
“Maybe later.” Eleanor removed her plain dark-colored jacket and hung it on a wall peg near the front door. “Is Bishop Michael here? I was hoping to speak with him about something important.”
“Certainly. He’s in one of our guest rooms, which he uses for his study. I’ll put the cookies in the kitchen and go get him.”
After Letty left the room, Eleanor took a seat in one of the living room chairs. She picked at a hangnail on one of her fingers, feeling a bit nervous all of a sudden. Eleanor hoped that coming here had not been a mistake. What if the bishop or his wife mentioned her visit to any of their family members or someone in their church district? If Vic found out she’d told Michael and Letty about the problems they were facing, he’d be quite upset.
Well, I’m here now, she told herself. So I may as well state what I came for. I will just kindly ask that the Zooks don’t repeat anything I’ve said or mention to anyone that I came here seeking their advice.
A few minutes passed before Michael and Letty entered the room. He shook Eleanor’s hand and said, “My fraa said you wish to speak with me about something.”
Eleanor nodded. “That’s true, but only if I’m not interrupting anything and you can spare a few minutes to talk.”
“I have plenty of time.” He took a seat in a chair across from her.
“If you’d like to speak privately to my husband, I’ll wait in the kitchen until you’re done.” Letty looked at Eleanor, tipping her head to one side a bit.
“No, it’s fine if you stay. Maybe the both of you can help me figure out what to do.”
“About what?” Michael asked after Letty took a seat on the couch.
“My husband, Vic.” Eleanor moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue. “As you may realize, Vic’s been quite depressed since the death of his little brother, and he blames himself for the accident.” Eleanor swallowed hard, struggling for the right words to continue.
“I am aware of his sadness, and that of the rest of his family too,” the bishop said. “But why would Vic blame himself because Eddie drowned?”
Eleanor explained about Vic’s promise to teach his brother to swim, and also how neither she nor Vic had watched Eddie close enough that dreadful Saturday in June. “We had no idea, of course, that Vic’s brother would wander off to the pond and get in the water without either of us being there with him.”
“Children can be very spontaneous sometimes,” Letty put in. “Quite often they don’t think about whether what they want to do is safe or not.”
“That’s right,” Michael agreed. “Neither you nor your husband can be held accountable for Eddie running off without telling you where he was going.” He paused and rested his hands on his right knee. “If the boy did not know how to swim, he was wrong for going into the water without an adult there to supervise.”
“While that may be true, it doesn’t change the fact that Vic is still grieving and it’s affecting everything he says and does.”
“Would you like me to talk with him?” Michael questioned.
“I–I’m not sure. You see, I don’t want Vic to know that I’ve spoken to you about this matter. I’m sure he would not like it.”
“We will definitely pray for your husband,” Letty interjected.
“And perhaps if I ask Vic how he is doing the next time I see him, he will open up and tell me what’s on his mind.” Michael sat very still for several seconds. “If he does, I won’t hold back from sharing my thoughts and some verses from the Bible with him.” He glanced at Letty. “And as my wife said, we will be praying for Vic, you, and the whole Lapp family.”
“I appreciate that.” Eleanor managed to smile as she wiped tears from her eyes. She felt a bit better after sharing her concerns with their bishop and his wife.
“Umm … one more thing before I go,” she said. “Would you please not mention to anyone that I was here or repeat what I have said to you today? Vic would not appreciate it if he knew I had come seeking your help.”
“Don’t worry,” Michael was quick to say. “Letty and I will not mention this conversation to anyone at all.”
Eleanor sagged against the back of her chair, feeling such relief. She felt confident that she’d done the right thing by coming here today. Now, if Vic will just open up and share his feelings with Bishop Zook the next time they talk, maybe his emotional pain will lessen and our marriage will improve.
Vic arrived home from work early that evening, feeling tired and out of sorts. He let Checkers out of his pen, said a quick hello to Eleanor, and headed straight for the barn. Without bothering to do any chores, Vic quickly climbed the ladder to the loft, pulled out the cardboard box he’d hidden, and took out two beers. I’ll need to get more of this stuff before I run out, he told himself after he’d consumed the lukewarm liquid in the first can. After a couple of beers I feel like I can cope. I just need to make sure I don’t drink too many and end up getting drunk again. And I don’t dare let Eleanor get a whiff of my breath. Vic figured the smart thing to do was to keep a safe distance from his wife. It was the best way to be sure she wouldn’t catch on to the fact that he’d been drinking.
He drank the second can of beer and reclined in the straw with his eyes closed. I wonder if what my dad said yesterday is true, about Eddie being in heaven. Is he better off there than here? Has he forgiven me for not teaching him how to swim?
So many confusing thoughts swirled through Vic’s head. If only he had some answers.