“Are you sure you’re feeling up to having supper at my folks’ house this evening?” Vic reached across the buggy seat and touched Eleanor’s arm.
Truth was, she’d been dealing with this terrible nausea for a good many weeks, and it hadn’t really improved. Eleanor had been trying the peppermint and ginger teas, along with eating some ginger cookies—anything to curb the feeling of wanting to vomit. It was hard to know from hour to hour how she would feel throughout the day, but for the moment things were okay.
“Eleanor, did you hear what I said? Are you sure you’re up to having supper at my folks’ this evening? I can turn the horse and buggy around and head for home. You just have to say the word.”
“I’m fine.” Eleanor fought the urge to ask Vic if he really cared. He’d said he did a few nights ago when he’d come from work with a bouquet of red roses. Vic had also apologized for the things he’d said and done to upset her, and once again he’d promised that he would quit drinking, but she doubted his word. After all, he’d made that same promise before and then went right back to drinking as soon as she’d announced her pregnancy. Eleanor had no reason to believe her husband now. But the only right thing to do was give him the benefit of the doubt. Her other choice would be to say that she didn’t believe him, which would undoubtedly make him angry, and then they’d most likely end up in another argument. For the sake of the baby, as well as Eleanor’s health, she would accept Vic’s apology and make every effort to be the kind of wife her husband needed. She also wanted to please God with her words and deeds, which would hopefully set a good example for Vic.
“Sure will be glad when spring comes and brings in some warmer weather. I’m kind of sick of the schnee.”
For a brief moment, Eleanor would’ve liked to simply state that she was sick and tired of Vic’s lies. But her honesty would have provoked an angry response, which neither of them needed. If only I could trust Vic. Eleanor gripped the handles of her black handbag. Is he incapable of being honest with me?
Eleanor eyed the glistening scenery out the buggy’s window. “Snow is pretty, but I don’t care much for it anymore. When I was a young girl, I thought it was fun to play in the snow, but not now. As an adult, I prefer warmer weather or to be inside during the cold winter months.”
“Same here.” Vic kept a tight hold on the reins as a big truck went past on the opposite side of the road, going much too fast. Dealing with crazy drivers, like the man behind the wheel of that truck, was enough to put Vic’s nerves on edge. Of course, a lot of things made him tense up—including his obligation to spend an evening at his parents’ house. Being in the home where he grew up was a reminder that one of their family members was gone.
Will the pain of losing Eddie ever go away? Vic asked himself. Will I ever stop missing him or quit feeling responsible for his death? Can I ever walk past our pond without reliving that fateful day? He’d asked himself these same questions so many times and always with no answers. Vic wished he hadn’t promised Eleanor that he would quit drinking, because it was getting more difficult to keep his word. Whenever he’d had a hard day at work, he craved a drink. If Vic’s boss got on him about something he hadn’t done to his satisfaction, it filled him with the desire for a can of beer. Every day without drinking had become a big challenge.
Maybe if I only had a few drinks once in a while, when I’m not at home, Eleanor wouldn’t know. Vic contemplated the idea. Of course I’d have to come up with a better way to cover the evidence on my breath. I would also have to limit it to just one or two drinks and never come home drunk again.
Ever since that truck had sped by, aggravating Vic’s horse, Vic had seemed to be concentrating on the road and controlling Domino. Eleanor had no problem with that. It was important that they arrive at their destination safely. She hoped the evening would go well, and that whatever meal her mother-in-law had fixed would not cause any stomach upset. It was bad enough when she got nauseous and vomited while at home, like she had when she’d fixed cabbage rolls two nights ago. Just the smell of the cabbage cooking had made Eleanor feel queasy, and the tangy tomato sauce covering the ground pork and beef that had been rolled up in the cabbage had given her a severe case of indigestion. Eleanor wouldn’t want either of those reactions to happen at the Lapps’ home. That would be most embarrassing. Well, it would do no good to worry about it now. Maybe whatever food had been prepared wouldn’t bother her at all.
Eleanor glanced at Vic, noticing the firm set of his jaw. Was it from concentrating so hard on the road, or was there something else bothering her husband right now?
Eleanor thought about the letter she’d received from Doretta a week after she’d written to her about Vic’s drinking problem. Would her friend’s suggestion about the possibility of Vic attending AA meetings be helpful, even if he wasn’t drinking right now? If he began attending the meetings perhaps it would help him if the urge to drink crept back in.
Of course, she reasoned, I can’t make Vic go. That’s something he will have to decide for himself. Eleanor pressed her lips together as she stared out the buggy window at the snow that had begun to fall in heavy, thick flakes. I could definitely start attending Al-Anon meetings for spouses of alcoholics if Vic’s drinking should start up again. At least there would be other people in attendance who have experienced the same kinds of things as I’ve had to deal with.
Strasburg
As Vic sat at the supper table in his parents’ dining room, he forced himself not to look at the seat Eddie used to occupy. Of course it wasn’t easy when he had to pass the food in that direction.
“How are things going in the construction business?” Vic’s dad asked. “Has work slacked off due to the colder weather, or does your boss have plenty of jobs for you and his crew to do?”
“Everything’s been inside work lately, so Ned’s managed to keep us all fairly busy,” Vic replied.
Dad nodded. “Good to hear.”
“How are things in your shop here?” Vic asked as he helped himself to another piece of chicken breast.
“We don’t have as much work as we do during the warmer months, of course, but there’s still some work to be done.” Dad looked across the table at Stephen. “I’m keeping you busy enough, right, son?”
“Jah, Dad. If not in the shop, then there are always other things to do around here and in the barn.”
Vic thought about the days he’d still been in school and had worked for their father on Saturdays and even some late afternoons or evenings. For the most part, they’d gotten along okay, but sometimes Dad got on Vic’s case, saying he wasn’t working quickly enough or hadn’t sanded a piece of wood as smooth as he would like. It all boiled down to one thing—his father was a perfectionist. Vic had always done the best job he could and still did. But he had learned early on that working for a boss he wasn’t related to was a lot easier than working for a close relative who scrutinized everything he said or did. Vic figured if Stephen ever decided to go to work for someone other than their dad, he’d figure that out too.
“How are you feeling these days?” Clara asked, looking at Eleanor.
“Somewhat better. I get tired if I try to do too much, and I’m still dealing with stomach upset from time to time.” Eleanor took a drink of water, and when she set the glass down, a sigh escaped her lips. “I’ll be ever so glad when the baby comes.”
Eleanor glanced over at Vic as though expecting him to agree with her, but all he could manage was a brief nod. With the way he still felt about becoming a father, it was hard to get excited about the big event. No matter what anyone said, Vic was still convinced that he would fail miserably as a parent.
When the meal was over, Clara and Kate volunteered to clear the table and do the dishes. While they were doing that, Eleanor excused herself to use the bathroom. After Ethan and Stephen went out to the barn to check on the animals, Susie saw her chance to speak to Victor alone. “Let’s go into the living room, Son.” She gestured in that direction. “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”
Victor’s eyes narrowed, as if in confusion. “What’s up?”
She started down the hall and motioned for him to follow. When they entered the living room, Susie took a seat on the couch and asked Victor to sit beside her.
“What’s going on, Mom?” he asked after seating himself.
She moved closer to him and spoke quietly. “I sense that there may be a problem between you and Eleanor and thought you might want to talk about it.”
Victor looked down at the floor, avoiding eye contact with her. “What makes you believe that Eleanor and I have any kind of a problem?”
“Your lack of enthusiasm about her pregnancy is quite obvious.”
He lifted his gaze and nodded. “It’s not the right time, Mom. It’s not even a quarter to the right time.”
“Do you think there is ever a perfect time to have a child?”
Victor shrugged.
“That precious baby your wife carries in her womb is a gift from God. Surely you must realize that.”
“A gift I’m not worthy of fathering,” he muttered.
“That’s lecherich.”
“It’s not ridiculous. It’s the truth.” Victor pointed to himself. “I do not have what it takes to father any child.”
In her mind, Susie retorted, If you didn’t feel ready to have a child yet, then you should’ve been honest with your wife and not been trying to procreate. She could see that her son showed selfishness and a certain lack of maturity. This didn’t set well with her. The effects his actions were having on Eleanor were obvious.
Susie sat for several seconds, letting his remark settle into her brain so she could process it correctly and come up with the best response. “Do you think that your daed felt ready to raise a child when I got pregnant with you?”
“That was different.” A muscle on the side of Victor’s jaw quivered. “I bet Dad had done nothing to prove that he was irresponsible around kinner. Am I right?”
“Nobody is perfect, and accidents happen to a good many people. No one is immune to bad things while living in this world, either, but when they do happen, we need to allow God to work His power through us. Besides, this isn’t about your daed, Victor. I suspect that this is about you piling the blame on yourself for your brother’s accidental death. Is that correct?”
Victor stared straight ahead.
“It is. I can tell. And I’m also aware that things are not right between you and your fraa.” She placed her hand on his knee. “You need to find a way to get past all this guilt and anger you’re still harboring over losing Eddie. It’s not doing you or your marriage any good.”
Her son’s facial features tightened. “I don’t need a lecture, Mom. My wife and I are getting along just fine, and even if we weren’t, it would be our own business.”
Susie’s jaw slackened as her mouth dropped open, but she held back from saying the words on the tip of her tongue because she heard footsteps coming down the hall. A few seconds later, Eleanor entered the room. Her face looked so pale, and she held both hands against her stomach. “I’m sorry,” she said, looking at Susie, “but I think Vic and I need to go home. I’m not feeling well.”
Susie’s pulse quickened. “Do we need to call one of our drivers to take you to the hospital?”
Eleanor shook her head. “I’m sure it’s nothing serious. I became nauseated soon after we ate, and unfortunately, I lost my dinner when I went to your bathroom.”
Victor got up from the couch and went over to stand beside Eleanor. “You’re right. We’d better go home. I’ll get the horse hitched to the buggy while you put on your things.”
“Danki.” After Victor put on his jacket and went out the door, Eleanor turned to Susie and said, “Please don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine once I get home and go to bed.”
Susie gave the young woman a gentle hug. “I hope you get a good night’s sleep, and I’ll be checking on you tomorrow to see how you’re feeling.”
Eleanor’s eyes teared up. “I appreciate your concern.”
“And I appreciate the fact that our son chose you to be his fraa. Ethan and I couldn’t ask for a better daughter-in-law.”
“I am grateful for both of you too.”
Susie got Eleanor’s jacket and outer bonnet for her. When she saw that her son had his horse and buggy ready, she stood in the doorway and watched as Eleanor walked carefully down the porch steps and across the snow-covered lawn to get into the carriage. Susie hoped the nausea would end soon and that Eleanor would be feeling much better. It didn’t seem fair that the poor girl had to deal with that on top of Victor’s ongoing self-guilt. To make matters worse was his negative reaction to the birth of their future child. If I could, she thought again, I’d ask my daughter-in-law to stay with us right now. Then she’d get the proper care and support she needs.
Susie reduced the opening of the door, trying to keep out some of the cold while she watched them get into their buggy and head out. I hope I did the right thing by talking to Victor, Susie told herself. I only wish I could have gotten through to him. If he doesn’t get rid of the guilt he feels about Eddie, things will never be right between him and Eleanor. and then he’ll probably be right—my son Victor will not be a good father.