Seth had woken with Connor’s knobby knee in his back and an arm half across his face, and the three of them had grumbled about it being way too hot in the room.
But there hadn’t been any real fire to the complaints, and although it was a little awkward and stilted, they’d gotten ready for breakfast in companionable-enough silence, the TV still on and playing the Mormon choir singing carols.
Breakfast was spent smiling and nodding at all the well-meaning inquiries into their well-being, and Seth was relieved when they boarded the buses back to Albany. Connor sat with Ian and buried his nose in the games on his phone, and Seth drowsed next to Logan, their arms brushing.
The fragile peace continued as they drove back to Seth’s house after bidding Angela farewell. The next day was Christmas Eve, and the office was closed until the twenty-sixth. Seth was relieved to have the time off, although his stomach fluttered thinking about the conversation he and Logan had to have. And would Connor’s quiet calm hold?
It had snowed more, and the midafternoon skies were gray. Seth’s long driveway had been freshly plowed by the man he hired. Inside, he dropped his bag and looked around in foolish surprise at the new decor. He blurted, “I almost forgot that it’s finished now.”
Logan chuckled as he unzipped his leather jacket and hung it in the closet. “Still like it?”
“Yes.” Seth smiled as he walked through to the kitchen, flipping on lights. “Definitely.”
Connor followed, peering around. “Wow. Looks awesome.”
“It was all Logan,” Seth said. “He did an amazing job.” Please be nice, he willed Connor.
Standing in the entrance to the great room, where the decorated pine tree waited, Connor nodded. “It’s really good.”
Logan’s smile was shy and tentative, and Seth wanted to kiss him so badly he felt like a swooning teenager. Logan gruffly said, “Thanks.”
“Can I hang out in my room?” Connor asked Seth. “I mean, like, upstairs.”
“Of course. We’ll order something in for dinner in a few hours. Any requests? Chinese or Thai or pizza and wings? Or anything you like.”
“Sweet and sour chicken balls and fried rice would be cool. Can I have Coke?”
“Absolutely,” Logan said.
A little while later, Connor locked away upstairs, Seth and Logan took what had become their places on the couch, the middle cushion between them. They watched football, the colored lights of the Christmas tree reflecting on the glass as the afternoon grew dark early.
There was so much to say, but maybe they both needed some quiet before they said it. But Seth got more and more anxious, finally blurting, “If we like each other, does that mean we’re—” He tried to find the right words, settling on, “Not casual?”
Logan seemed to have been holding his breath, and he exhaled in a slump of shoulders. “Yeah.” He shifted over on the couch and muted the TV with the remote. He spread his hand over Seth’s right thigh, and electricity zipped through Seth. “You know how they say ‘fake it ’til you make it’?”
“Uh-huh.”
“It doesn’t feel like we’re faking anything now.”
Seth slid his arm around Logan’s broad shoulders. They were both in jeans and sweaters, and the worn wool of Logan’s was soft under Seth’s fingers. “You said you want me,” Seth whispered.
“Hell yes.” Logan squeezed his thigh. “I wanna bust a nut all over you.”
Seth had to laugh. “Thank you?”
Logan laughed too, his eyes crinkling beautifully. “I just mean… You get me really hot. I wanna do things with you I never have with a guy.” He glanced at the entry to the great room, leaning forward and apparently making sure they were still alone.
Clearing his throat, Logan went on. “What I mean is, I meant it when I said I like you. As more than a friend.”
Seth’s heart thudded. “And not just for casual sex?”
“No.” He frowned. “You don’t want that, do you? I got the feeling you’re not very good at it.” He quickly added, “The casual part! You’re excellent at sex.”
Now Seth’s face was hot, but he said, “Thanks. And yeah. People tell me I should be going on the hookup apps and dating and having fun. But I don’t want to hook up with a dozen men. That’s not who I am. I want to be with you.”
“Yeah?” Logan grinned.
Seth’s heart soared. Tracing the shell of Logan’s ear with his finger, arm snug around him, he whispered, “I love having sex with you. It’s…liberating.”
They kissed, moving toward each other in unison, mouths opening and tongues exploring. It was languid and sweet, and Logan rubbed his hand over Seth’s thigh lazily. Seth tingled all over but was content to keep it slow and PG-13 for the moment.
“Never kissed a guy,” Logan mumbled, nuzzling Seth’s cheek. “Turns out it’s not so different from kissing a woman.” He leaned back. His smile was soft, his eyes vulnerable. “Definitely never fallen for a guy before you.”
Seth kissed Logan deeply, tilting his head and wanting to climb right inside his body. With a soft moan, he whispered, “I’ve fallen for you too, just in case that’s not crystal clear.”
“Still like hearing it.” Logan squeezed Seth’s thigh. His face grew serious, and after nuzzling Seth again, he leaned back. “I don’t want to fuck this up. I know I rushed into it with Veronica, but I swear it’s not my MO. And with her…”
After a few moments of silence, Seth said, “You don’t have to talk about it.”
“I want to.” Logan rubbed his face wearily. “Honestly, I knew it was a mistake. I knew it. She was the one who proposed, and I didn’t want to say no. She’d made sure she didn’t work as my nurse anymore so there was no unethical shit, but I was still in the hospital. I was fired and none of my friends from the railway had even visited. I felt like garbage, and Veronica was like this angel. And she had insurance, and I was going to be bankrupt from the hospital bills otherwise. We both got swept up in the idea that getting married would fix our problems.”
“I understand.”
“She was a good woman.”
“Of course!”
Logan shook his head, his voice low. “I can’t imagine what it was like for him, finding her dead.”
Seth couldn’t either. Poor, poor Connor. “At least he talked about it. We’ll be here to listen and support him.”
“I want that. When you two went through the ice—I thought that might be it, that you were both dead and I’d never get the chance to make it right with Connor… Or make it real with you.”
Seth could barely breathe as he waited for Logan to finish.
Taking a deep breath, Logan peered at him intently. “The deal was we’d stay until January. Do you—what do you think about that?”
“I think we clearly need a new deal. One involving a lot of very non-casual sex and you and Connor staying here indefinitely. We’ll see what happens. We don’t need to put any limits or deadlines on it. Except that we’ll be partners who don’t sleep with anyone else. I know open relationships can be great for some people, but…”
“Hmm.” Logan seemed to be pondering it.
The hair on Seth’s neck stood up, an icy chill slipping down his spine. Maybe that was a deal breaker for Logan?
“Holy shit, the look on your face!” Laughing, Logan pressed a wet kiss to Seth’s cheek. “Sorry. I was just messing with you. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t do open. Never have.”
Seth elbowed him. “Jerk. So I guess we have a new deal?” He removed his right arm from around Logan’s shoulders and extended his hand formally. “Boyfriends-slash-partners-slash-whatever we want to call it. Indefinitely. Living together, because why the hell not?”
They were old enough to know what they wanted, and if it was a disaster, so be it. They’d cross that bridge if it ever appeared.
Logan shook his hand firmly. “That’s some salty language from you.” He waggled his brows. “Makes me want to fuck your brains out.”
Seth grinned. “Such a sweet talker.”
“Don’t pretend you don’t like my talk.” Lips at Seth’s ear, he added, “Later, I’m going to tell you all about how much I want to fuck your tight hole and—”
They both seemed to register the soft thuds on the stairs at the same time, springing apart. They burst out laughing, and Seth felt like a teenager in the best possible way. Connor appeared at the top of the few steps down into the great room.
“What?” he asked warily.
Seth tugged Logan closer on the couch, sliding an arm around him again. “Nothing. Come join us.”
“You guys are weird. But yeah, okay.” He came and flopped down on the other end of the couch, Logan in the middle. “Hey, can we watch the new season of Stranger Things? It just dropped on Netflix. They didn’t give any warning.”
“Absolutely.” Seth nodded at the remote. “It’s the button on the top. You’ll need to know how to work it since Logan and I have decided you’re both staying. Of course, you’ll be going back to school in the new year, but we’d love it if you came here on weekends.”
“Yeah?” Connor picked up the remote, toying with it. “That’s pretty fast. But that’s cool.” He turned on Netflix and settled back. “Can we order dinner? I’m hungry.”
“Are you ever not hungry?” Logan asked, clearly going for teasing.
Connor visibly bristled. “So what?”
“Nothing.” Logan lifted his hands calmly. “Sorry. Just trying to joke.”
“Okay,” Connor mumbled, his pale cheeks going beet red. He fidgeted with the remote, shoulders up around his ears. He blurted, “Mom said I was hungry like it’s my job and I’m trying for a raise.”
Seth and Logan laughed, and Seth said, “She had your number, huh? Well, don’t worry. We’ll keep the pantry stocked.” Maybe Connor could feel comfortable enough to talk about his mother more.
Connor gave him a little smile. “Cool. Thanks.”
Seth knew it would be a long road, but maybe Connor was ready to start healing.