Nineteen

One For the Team

The mom chat room was busy with lots of talk about the upcoming holidays, getting kids through the winter, and dealing with cabin fever. I read different threads, but nothing caught my eye, and no Cheerleader, aka Lee. Maybe I could get something going, entice her.

It was even easier than it looked. Minutes later I’d made an anonymous account and started a thread: “Party Lists: how many is too many?” That was right up Lee’s alley. I’d been chatting with a woman from the Midwest about her fourth grader’s ice-skating party. A few people chimed in, voting for a large gathering where no one was excluded, especially in elementary school, and I decided to sign off.

If not today, next time. Being blackballed had reinvigorated me, and I was now all in, and swinging. I hated Lee. If there was a way to take her out while modeling decency and kindness for Rachel in other areas of my life, I was going to find it. I had the photos in my arsenal and would continue to gather intel until I figured out exactly what to do to get even with Lee for bullying Rachel and coming between me and Jim.

Which reminded me, I’d been putting off talking to Rachel about that. It was time. First, I’d have to sort out my feelings. And there were so many.

I hadn’t fully grieved when my parents had died. After the car accident, Aunt Pearl and I had checked out a library book about orphans. I’d devoured it, and watched “Annie” a thousand times, becoming terrified about how alone I really was. At the time, I’d said goodbye and focused on moving forward. But burying feelings made it hard for me to get close to others and brought a whole new set of problems.

Compartmentalizing clearly hadn’t worked when I was a teen, and it did not provide all the answers with the man I’d loved—that I now knew for sure. For the first time in my adult life, I’d make it a priority to process my grief.

I made myself remember everything about Jim from his blue eyes, strong jaw, and the way his arms engulfed me when we had sex, to all the laughter. There were tears sliding down my cheeks as I sobbed. I’d lost him for good.

Other losses ached in unison: our last apartment, the dining alcove where I’d nursed my daughter, memories of her with her BFFs, Zoe and Savannah, playing softball and hanging out at the science club. And Aunt Pearl. I missed her every day. She’d clapped and cheered at my college graduation, presenting me with an envelope from the bursar’s office, a receipt signifying my tuition had been paid. She’d adored Rachel, insisting our girl would be the first woman elected president.

The hurt was there when I thought of my parents too. It was just a duller, broader version. I’d never gotten to find out about their childhoods, hear how they fell in love, or ask for advice.

People always seemed to go to their mothers in times of need. I’d learned to lean on my friends. Birthdays were particularly hard; I forced myself to ignore the sad and empty feelings. But no more. I allowed my mind to process the losses even further. My parents would never hear Rachel giggle, or know I’d gotten a PhD. The tears fell until my head hurt and I couldn’t think anymore.

Rachel finally texted. She was almost home from the library. Maya’s mom was dropping them off.

I went downstairs and opened the door. “Hey, honey. How are you?”

“Good.” She put her backpack down in the hallway and turned around to look at me.

“Lots of homework?” I asked.

“Some. We also hung out.”

“I still want to have Maya and her mom over. Is that okay?”

“Maybe. I’ll see.” She raced up to her room. At least she seemed happier.

Later in the day, I was in the living room plodding through my billing, anything to distract myself. I wasn’t used to the heaviness that had settled in my chest, the shadows playing in the corners of my mind. Rachel came into the room. “Mom?” She waited until she had my full attention. “Everyone plays soccer, fall and spring. I’m done with softball and I’m switching this coming season.”

After being in my head for so many hours, it wasn’t easy shifting gears from my parade of losses to my child’s real-world concerns. Rachel was folding her arms and stuck her chin out. “Can you please find out what the other girls are doing to get ready for the soccer season?”

I sighed. “It’s probably better if you ask them, Rach.”

She shook her head. “They might not tell me.”

Then why would you want to be with people like that? Preteens were mystifying. Though I did understand that she didn’t want to be the only one who hadn’t adequately trained. “I’ll do my best to find out, but you should try to ask around.”

“No! I want you to do it for me.”

As she dug her heels in, I found myself thinking again of Jim, how I’d taken a stand and blown it, and still hadn’t told Rachel. She’d asked if he was coming over again and I’d said something innocuous like “not sure,” and changed the subject.

I made a mental note to reach out about preseason soccer and be sure to discuss the Jim breakup with Rachel.

The following afternoon I was at pick-up and overheard a couple of fifth grade moms discussing a carpool. “Hey,” one said, looking cornered, as she brushed past. “You were on that email, right? See you at soccer.”

When Rachel appeared, we started walking to the car and I told her there were probably clinics we didn’t know about. She texted Maya, and they decided to check with Collette.

We were now belted in and driving. “So, hon.” she didn’t look up from her phone. “Well, I’ll just say it. Although there were a lot of nice things about Jim and he’s a decent guy, it didn’t work out between us.” I exhaled and quickly brushed a tear from my eye.

She looked off to the side, thinking about how to respond. “I’m sorry because I know you liked him and he seemed nice. What happened? Was he like Colin?”

I shook my head, worried my worst fears were realized, and that she’d gotten used to having him around and would now be scarred. “He was nice. But we had a disagreement and couldn’t settle it,” I told her.

I wiped my eyes as my daughter responded, “Remember how you told me to be friends with Maya, even when I wasn’t sure? Well, maybe you should take your own advice and work it out. People deserve a second chance.”

I felt a surge of pride. Rachel was compassionate and valued people—not like some of the kids I’d seen around. “I’ll think about it,” I said as we drove up the hill to the house. At this point, I doubted whether Jim would even take my calls.

A couple of days later, she showed me an entry on her phone’s notepad app. She and Maya had approached Lee during pick-up and asked about soccer. Lee had spelled the practice turf’s name and dictated the time and day slowly, waiting until each girl had typed in and saved all the info. She’d made them read it back just to be sure. The note said everyone was practicing on Tuesday evenings at seven o’clock.

“Mom, are you listening?” I hadn’t been. Hearing Lee’s name brought me right back to the dinner party, the night she’d caused my fatal argument with Jim. “Sorry, honey, what were you saying?” Rachel gave me an annoyed look. “Please pay attention. Lee gave us the info. Can I go tonight?”

“Sure.”

Had I not been so preoccupied I might have thought twice; after all, it was Lee we were dealing with.

We arrived at the turf a few minutes early. Rachel scanned her phone. “Maya just texted. Her mom left late; they’re almost here.” As we waited, Rachel strapped on her shin guards and sipped water. Suddenly the facility door opened and I started to get a funny feeling. Several moments later there they were: all the girls in the class exiting the facility. Running two-by-two toward the parking lot, they were all in matching shorts and cleats.

Lee had intentionally told Rachel and Maya the wrong time, ensuring they’d miss the practice.

I told Rachel to wait in the car and then got out and walked in the direction the girls had gone, until I found Lee’s giant black SUV. She was in the passenger’s seat, reading something on her phone. I motioned for her to open her window.

“This was really low, Lee, even for you.”

“Ah have no idea what you’re talking about.” She was smirking.

My stomach clenched as I tried to stay calm. “Rachel and Maya. Spelling out the name of the turf, dictating slowly and checking twice; only you gave them the wrong time. They missed the practice and probably pissed off the coach. You made sure of that.”

My palms were sweating and my heart was hammering in my chest. I could barely contain my anger.

“Mah stars. You give me way too much credit, Victoria. And since you and Rachel are here, ah don’t understand whah you’re so worked up. All’s well that end’s well, isn’t that right?” She was smirking again.

I imagined slapping her and leaving finger marks on her perfectly rouged cheeks. “Stay the hell away from my daughter, Lee,” I said, a little more loudly than I would have liked, before turning on my heel and walking back to the car.

“What happened after that?” Julie asked. We were having coffee near my office at a city Starbucks a few weeks after it had all fallen apart with Jim. She and her family were in the city for Christmas, visiting relatives in New Jersey.

“I took Rachel and Maya out for a smoothie.”

I rubbed my temples while pausing for breath. The holidays were lonely this year, depressing without Aunt Pearl and Jim. I decided to tell Julie how I’d made things festive by handing Rachel a box the size of a kayak and watching as she unwrapped it to reveal a smaller box, repeating this exercise several more times, until coming upon a small jewelry case. She smiled when I described the scene: Rachel jumping up and down after discovering the pair of gold heart earrings, centered in a tiny velvet nest. “Pierced?! Thank you,” she’d screamed. “You know, Jules, it was a bright spot in an otherwise joyless month, make that year.”

Julie was making soothing sounds. “You guys have been through a lot. It will get better. I know it. These women are a bunch of assholes, Vic. Rachel will come through this and it will all be fine.” She waited for me to go on. “What did Rachel say about missing the practice?”

I barely had the energy to recap. “Later when we were alone in the car, Rachel was upset. She asked if Lee had made a mistake about the schedule. I said ‘perhaps,’ and bit my tongue.”

“Why didn’t you tell her it was deliberate? Let her see what lowlifes you’ve been dealing with—better yet, make a plan to get even,” Julie wanted to know.

“Rachel asked if we could organize a soccer class and not include Collette and a few of the others. I told them that we shouldn’t stoop that low. We’re really better than that. But between you and me, I’d love to get revenge.”

“I would have told Carly the same thing. But the nastiness you describe makes me burn.”

“Things were good in the city.” I sighed. “I pushed the move to Mayfair, and since that day I haven’t done anything right.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Vic. What happened between you and Jim isn’t your fault. And as far as the soccer thing, I can’t blame you for being furious. They’ve made your daughter miserable and lied about the practice location. I wonder how these women sleep at night.” She paused for a breath.

“I wish you lived here.” I said, speaking rapidly, cramming it all in before our short visit was up.

“Next time, I promise I’ll stay longer.” We hugged and said goodbye.

Later on at dinner, I told Rachel that it was time I put Lee in her place, and tell everyone in town who didn’t know what a bully she was.

“Please don’t say anything! They already don’t like me and you’ll make things worse.” Rachel’s eyes were panicked. “Promise me you won’t do anything. I can handle it.”

It was a dilemma, choosing whether to let the world know how aggressive and nasty Lee had been, or respect Rachel’s wishes for me to put Lee’s treatment of us to the side. I told Rachel I’d never intentionally do anything that would harm her, but reiterated that I had to figure out something to make sure Lee stopped picking on her.

While we were speaking, Rachel asked if I’d called Jim. I told her that I cared about him, but we weren’t suited for a long-term relationship. She nodded, and in her characteristic preteen way, displayed no further interest in my love life.

That made two of us. Given how dispirited I felt, I couldn’t imagine entering into a romantic relationship ever again.