Chapter 17
It was early morning, and Maddy sat in her kitchen with a cup of coffee. She’d been up for hours after a sleepless night. Boxer sat close by her feet, another coffee mug sat across from hers, and scones lay on a plate. Boxer stood suddenly at attention.
“It’s me, honey—Kate.” A warm voice rang through the house.
The kitchen door opened, and Maddy extended her arms.
Kate immediately pulled her close. “How are you, sweetie? Are you okay?”
“No. I’m not. I’m sorry I dragged you away from your family this early.”
“It’s no problem. Sam took the kids out for breakfast. I’m concerned about you.” When Kate let go of Maddy, Boxer stood tall, wagging his tail.
Kate laughed and rubbed behind his ears. “Lie down, boy. Relax!” Kate pushed back a chair and sat down, and without warning Maddy began to cry.
“Oh, honey.” Kate reached behind her for a box of tissues on the kitchen counter. “Why did he come now? Did he tell you? Why the soul-searching?”
“He said he only recently discovered my whereabouts.”
“How recently?”
“A week, I guess. Maybe less. When Daddy found us at the café, he blew up and I asked him to take me home, so I didn’t get the whole story. I just felt as though my trust had been completely violated. It terrified me, made me doubt myself. It’s taken me so long to build confidence in my instincts again, to rely on them so I didn’t have to rely on others. Then that morning I felt like I was starting all over again.”
“I’m so sorry, honey.” Kate pulled her chair closer to Maddy and sat down, dropping her purse to the floor. “But you can’t allow your feelings to intimidate you. Maybe you trusted him and felt comfortable with him because, somewhere in your subconscious, you felt your attachment to him. Maybe your karma recognized his.”
“I’ve never believed in karma, Kate.”
“I do. You recognized him in your heart.” Kate took Maddy’s hand. “That’s why it was so easy.”
“But yesterday when he came to the house, it confused me even worse.” Maddy squeezed Kate’s hand painfully. “He said he was sorry, that he never meant to deceive me or hurt me, he just wanted to know what had happened to me, if I was okay.”
“That’s it?”
“He kissed me.” Maddy paused. “I kissed him back.” Her voice betrayed her. She wiped her tears with her wrist. “Kate, I want to know why he came. Did he come just to see if I was okay or did he want closure or seeking atonement? Then the biggest question is does he want another chance with me?”
“If he told you he wanted another chance, what would you have said?”
“I don’t know. He’s Peter, the love of my life. There was no one else in my heart, no one else I ever imagined myself with.”
“And after being with him, how do you feel now?”
Maddy turned her head back and forth uncertainly. “When I left Chatham, I was in a state of shock. I was so preoccupied with those migraines, with my eyes, I didn’t think about losing Peter. Part of me assumed I’d be right back, or I’d be in touch with him as soon as it was all over, and I could only think about what could be wrong with me. Was I going to be diagnosed with a terminal illness or was I was going to—to die.” She tipped her head yearningly toward Kate. “I wanted Peter so badly, and yet I didn’t want to pull him down with me. He had a future, a life to live. Then after that surgery was a failure, I was certain he would never want me again. I felt so sorry for myself. Maybe I was just selfish. I don’t know.”
“Madeline, we were all in shock.”
“Do you know what I was thinking this morning, Kate? This is the first time I’ve ever really sat down and thought about what it must have been like for him. Isn’t that strange? All these years I’ve been struggling, and that idea never crossed my mind.” Tears ran down Maddy’s cheeks.
“Well, he wasn’t faced with a life-altering condition. He didn’t lose his sight and have to begin again, relocate, and embark on a whole new life path.”
“No, but his life was altered in a different way. I was thinking last night about something he said at the school, when I didn’t know who he was. He said he had known what it was like to lose someone, the one he loved most. He said it with such pain in his voice. Katie, he was talking about me. Without any warning or explanation, what we had—what we shared—was gone. I know people live together, have sex, get married, but how many can honestly say they’ve found their soul mate? I can. There were moments, times where we were utterly consumed with one another—spiritually, mentally, physically.”
“Yet, we never heard from him.”
“I made Mom promise not to contact them. All I could think of was tying him down to a miserable wreck like me, when he had so much to live for. Kate—” Maddy turned to her. “Did I ruin my own life out of cowardice? Was it only my own insecurity that destroyed everything for both of us?”
“Oh, darling.” Kate took her hand. “My darling Madeline.” Kate shook her head softly back and forth, tears in her eyes.
They sat together in silence.
“Madeline, a lot’s happened in the past couple of days,” Kate finally said, taking Maddy’s hand in both her own. “It’s going to take some time for things to become clear. You’ve been doing so well. Just give it time.”
“But don’t you understand?” Maddy straightened. “I don’t need time. I need answers. I need to know what he wants.”
“There must be some way we can find him. It’s not going to hurt us to try, right?”
“What if we found him? What could I possibly tell him?”
“If he’s your soul mate, then you won’t need to wonder. I’m going to make a few calls. You just rest.” Kate let go of Maddy’s hands and pulled the Yellow Pages out of the back of a kitchen drawer, reaching for the phone.
Maddy sat back in her chair. She carefully picked up the coffee pot and poured Kate another cup, one finger over the rim, listening as Kate asked for a Peter Michaels, waited a few seconds, said thank you, and asked again, over and over. When Kate called the last hotel, the delay was a little longer than the others.
Maddy sat quietly listening to Kate write after she hung up. “Katie, did I ever tell you? He was my first.”
“Peter?”
Maddy nodded. “My first and last. We made love on the beach one afternoon at the end of that summer, and that was when I knew I wanted to be with him forever. He was so tender. So much a part of me.”
Kate leaned forward. “Maddy, what if Peter came to tell you he longed for that, too? What if he really was sincere? Maybe his motive for lying to you—maybe it was real fear, maybe he thought it was the only way he could get close to you.”
“What if? What if? How do I know the answer to what if? My head hurts from all the what ifs.”
“Remember, Maddy. We were the ones who moved away.”
Maddy frowned. “But why didn’t he try to find me or write or call? He says the Grants knew where we were. They still live right down the street from his parents. It’s been twenty years.” Maddy shook her head. “He just couldn’t see himself with me blind and helpless.”
Kate began to laugh. “You may be blind, but the last thing you are is helpless.”
“Do you see what I’m doing?” Maddy’s voice broke. “I keep second-guessing myself. One minute I think I understand Peter, and the next minute I don’t know him at all.”
Kate picked up the phone and started to dial.
“Who are you calling?”
“There’s only one person I can call,” Kate said. “Daddy.”