Chapter 19
Peter parked in front of Tara’s apartment, the light of the television flickering inside. Her car was in the usual spot. She must be home early from the caterers’ dinner. He turned the engine off, took a deep breath, and walked up the stairs, hesitating at the top, remembering the trepidation he’d felt when he had reached the Marsdens’ front door.
It was the right thing to do.
He used his key and stepped through the doorway quietly. Tara sat on the couch staring out the window.
She had been crying, tissues scattered around on the floor, and when he walked toward her she looked straight at him with tears running down her face. “My father died.”
“What? When?”
Tara burst into tears.
Peter sat next to her on the couch and put his arm around her back as she struggled to sit up.
“I was supposed to pick up my mother after I left your office, but I stopped by your house, and Amanda had left a message on your machine. They’d taken my dad to the hospital. I rushed over to the hospital, and they were in the waiting room with my aunt. The doctor had to give my mother a sedative.”
“What happened to him?”
“Mom says he was sitting in his chair when he let out a loud sound like a yell, and by the time she reached him he’d passed out, his hands clutching his chest. She called an ambulance, but it was already too late. The paramedics said it was a massive heart attack.” Peter held Tara in his arms as she began crying wildly. “I was waiting for you so we could go back to my mother’s.”
“How’s Amanda?”
“She’s a mess, almost as bad as I am. But I was the closest to Dad. Amanda was always closer to Mom.”
Peter glanced at the answering machine on the table at the end of the couch. “There are messages on your machine.”
Tara took Peter’s hand in hers. “They’re all Jake, calling to tell you about my father. I sat here and listened to him leave them while I cried. Peter, I need you to be with me. I can’t go through this alone. I need your help.”
His eyes filled as he rocked her against his chest. He held her tightly and brushed her hair away from her face. “I’m sorry,” he murmured soothingly. “I’m here. I won’t leave you.” He said the words he knew he had to.
Tara had packed a suitcase and a bag, and he carried them for her out of the apartment to his car. She cried all the way to her parents’ house. “I’m sorry, Peter,” she said in between bursts of tears.
“Please. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’ve put you through a lot these past few days. I never meant to hurt you.”
“I don’t care about that. I’m just thankful you’re here with me.” There were cars parked already outside Tara’s parents’ home when they arrived. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” She turned her face up to him, and for the first time Peter saw her scared and shivering. He kissed her gently on the forehead.
As they walked up the front stairs Jake greeted them by the door. Tara offered her cheek for a kiss and went into the house, sniffling into her tissue.
“Hey.” Jake patted Peter’s back.
“How’s Amanda?” Peter hugged him.
“She’s taking it bad. I don’t know what to do, man. It’s so sudden.”
“Where are Hope and Janie?”
“With the neighbors. This is no place for them right now. They wouldn’t understand the sight of Grandma crying uncontrollably.”
Peter ran his hands through his hair and leaned against the side of the house. “Jake, I was going to do it tonight,” he murmured after a moment. “I had the words ready, all set in my mind. It was all going to be said and done, and then this happened.”
“I’m sorry, buddy. I don’t know what to tell you. She’s going need some time to grieve.”
“I must sound like the most insensitive jerk right now.” Peter banged his fist on his leg. “God knows I have no desire to be. I can see Tara’s hurting, and I do care what happens to her. But I can’t be the man she wants in her life.”
“No one’s telling you to be, Peter. All I’m saying is give her some time. Her world just caved in.”
“You’re right, Jake. I know. Thank you for listening and for being there for me. I appreciate it.”
“Dude, you would do the same for me. We’re brothers.” Jake rubbed Peter’s arms, looking into his eyes. He opened the front door, and a burst of voices and light came from within. “Shall we?”
Peter nodded and followed Jake inside.
The house was full of family, moving and talking in low voices. Tara and Amanda sat on either side of their mother on the living room couch crying. Tara blew her nose into her tissue and threw her arm around their mother’s neck with a loud sob. Amanda leaned over them, speaking quietly and looked up past Tara’s shoulder as Jake and Peter came in. Her wet eyes lit up. She straightened, and Jake crossed the room quickly to kiss her.
“How are you?” Jake said softly.
Amanda tried to smile, and Peter wrapped his arms around her. “I’m sorry,” Peter whispered as she began to cry into his shoulder. “Honey, I’m so sorry.”
Jake stroked her back while she cried. She turned to Jake and leaned into him. “Let me get you something to eat.” Jake put his arms around her and led her toward the kitchen door. “My poor babe.”
Peter knelt by the couch and laid one hand on Tara’s knee and one on her mother’s. Tara burst into fresh sobs, but her mother nodded slightly.
“Anything you need, you know I’m here.” He pitched his voice low.
Tara’s mother patted his hand. “We appreciate it, Peter. Thank you for coming.” Her voice was uneven, and her gaze wandered to an ashtray on her Queen Anne table. Tara sobbed loudly into her mother’s neck and shifted so that Peter’s hand slipped off her knee.
Peter shook his head sadly. He stood and moved toward the kitchen, feeling like an intruder.
In the kitchen, Jake leaned against the counter holding Amanda protectively as she picked at a paper plate of carrots slices. “Just a bite,” Jake was saying, “for me and Mr. Bunny.”
Amanda looked up at him, and they smiled faintly.
Peter made his way across the kitchen to them as Jake kissed Amanda’s head and she turned to speak to an elderly woman with blue-tinted hair.
“This is surreal.” Peter glanced around when Jake put his hand on his arm. “I don’t know what to say to Tara. She’s looking at me like I can save her, and all I can think of is—”
“Maddy?”
“I can’t tell her, and I can’t comfort her. Amanda’s your wife, Jake. This family is part of your life. But these people are strangers to me. Even Tara. I don’t belong here. I don’t know where I belong right now.”
“Go home.” Jake was keeping an eye on Amanda, who had stopped to speak to a balding man with trembling hands. “Get some rest. I’ll cover for you.”
Peter looked at Jake. “You’re always the man, aren’t you? You know I can never thank you enough.”
Jake touched Peter’s shoulder. “You’ll get your chance.”
When Peter returned to the living room where Tara sat on the couch wedged between her mother and an aunt, he moved close and whispered in her ear. “I’m going to go.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know, but you and Amanda have a lot to do, and I’m just in the way. You’re going to stay here the next few nights?”
“My mother needs me.” Tara wrapped her arms tightly around his neck to kiss him.
“I’ll call you later. But you call me if you need anything. Anything at all—okay?”
“I will.” Tara smiled through her tears, holding Peter’s hand. “You go back to your place and wait for me. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
As he started his car in the darkness Tara’s words resonated in his head. He didn’t want to be alone in his empty apartment. He felt a longing to a drive through the dark, to sort through things in his mind. He wanted the familiarity of his own family. He didn’t have that with Tara’s family. He didn’t even want that with them.
He needed the comforts of home.