Bethany rises from the porch swing with a small smile upon her face. My heart rapidly pounds inside my chest, I am light-headed, and my palms are sweaty as I open the door. Alma sits near the front door in her reading chair book in hand. Libby is on her blanket, arms fully extended, chest and head held up, looking my way, a huge drooling smile on her face.
Alma doesn’t rise from her chair. “Bethany it is so nice to see you in person. I hope your drive was good.”
“Thank you,” Bethany responds a large smile upon her face. “It feels like I’ve been here many times before. I love our video calls.” She leans to her left peeking around me. “Who is this precious baby girl?”
Alma looks to me. I only have a moment to decide to share the truth or lie stating we are babysitting. “This is Liberty.” I scoop her into my arms. “Libby this is mommy’s friend, Bethany.” I turn her back against my chest to face our guest. Libby’s arms extend toward Bethany.
“May I?” Bethany asks, extending her arms and I pass Liberty to her. “Aren’t you just the most precious baby girl ever? Yes, you are. Yes, you are.” Bethany’s sadness quickly morphs to happy baby talk. The two sit on the blanket where Bethany offers a plastic teething ring decorated with Teddy bears to Libby.
Unsure what to do, I awkwardly choose a seat near Alma. After long, nervous moments Bethany turns her attention to me. “She looks like her father.” That’s all she says. She wears no smile, no sign of being mad. It’s a statement. My face wears my confusion.
“She has Hamilton’s dark curly hair and his beautiful brown eyes.” She smiles at me. “I’m right aren’t I?” I nod. “You really fooled us when we talked about his actions at the reception.”
I prepare to explain, but Alma jumps in. “Bethany do you like grilled hamburgers?” When she nods, Alma excuses herself to the kitchen to fix dinner. I know she is giving me time to confess everything to my friend.
“You’ve been keeping your daughter from all of us. Why?” With Libby in her lap facing me, Bethany moves a bit closer.
“No one knows, not even Hamilton.” I pause for a shocked reaction but see none. “On Hamilton’s last night in Athens we were together—it was only the one night. Then he went to Des Moines and I didn’t see him again until Adrian’s wedding. I wasn’t lying when I told you I didn’t see him in the off-season.” The tilt of Bethany’s head and her smirk let me know she still thinks it is a lie if even by omission.
“I freaked the end of July when I took the pregnancy test. I knew Hamilton would drop everything, return to the farm, and take care of me and our baby. Bethany, I couldn’t be the reason he gave up on his dream. He is talented. He deserves to play Major League Baseball—I couldn’t ruin that.”
“He wouldn’t have seen you as ruining anything. Hamilton loves you, he’d love a baby the two of you created even more, it wouldn’t have been your fault.”
I shake my head. “I met with my college advisor, she suggested I meet Alma, and so here we are. I plan to tell Hamilton everything at the end of this season. I just wanted to allow him enough time to settle in baseball in hopes he might continue even after I introduce the two of them.” I hope Bethany understands.
“She’s gorgeous and you gave her such a pretty name. Liberty Armstrong.” Bethany looks to me for confirmation I gave our daughter Hamilton’s last name before she picks Libby up pecking her on each cheek. Baby talk returns. “So, you are the reason your mommy didn’t allow video calls for several months. She’s so sneaky. Yes, she is.”
I love the happiness Libby brings out in my friend. Bethany’s struggles this past month banish as the light that I now see returns to her eyes.
“When is your birthday?” Bethany asks my daughter.
“March 10th,” I answer.
“Five months old, Libby you’re a big girl like your daddy aren’t you. You’re gonna be tall just like your daddy.” Bethany stops baby-talk and looks my way. “Adrian is going to kick your butt for this. You know that, right?” she laughs. Yes, my friend laughs for the first time since the miscarriage and it’s because I’m going to be in big, big, BIG trouble with our blunt and bossy friend, Adrian. When her laughter fades she states Libby seems like a happy baby.
“She really is very easy going. Our only major issue was really for me more than her. When I returned to my spring classes, I struggled with her three-hour nursing schedule. I attempted to pump twice between my morning and then my afternoon classes on campus. It was difficult. Add to that the constant interruption to my attempts to sleep,” I still have a pit in my stomach when I think of my dilemma. “I felt like a bad mother for having to change to baby formula and stop nursing. It felt selfish. I felt like I was already letting her down in the second month of her life.”
“You did the right thing. You made a decision that caused less stress on you, so you could be the best mom you could be. You’re not the first woman to choose formula over breast milk.” She holds Liberty up in front of us. “She’s happy, she’s healthy, and she has a mommy that loves her. You, my friend, are a terrific mom. I have no doubts about it.”
I love her faith in me. I strive to be the best mom possible. I refuse to let her down as my mother did me. Even with money tight and my being a single parent, I spend every moment I can reading, learning, and practicing parenting for her.
“Hey, Bethany,” I need to make one thing crystal clear and the sooner the better. “I need you to keep my secret until I talk to Hamilton after September. You can’t tell Troy, you can’t tell the girls, and you can’t tell your family.”
Bethany turns her attention back to the prettiest girl in the room. “Liberty please assure your mommy I can and will keep this secret. But it will cost her. I require a video call with you every week and the open invitation to come visit anytime.”
“Deal,” I give my friend a side-hug. “Let’s go help Alma with dinner.”
Bethany’s overnight stay passes quickly. Liberty is only away from Bethany while sleeping. I think my baby girl has proven to be the cure for Bethany’s blues. We’ve talked about her upcoming conversation with Troy, and how the two of them should decide mutually when to try again. She’s shared her fears and how she now has hope again. She claims Liberty reminded her how much she wants a baby. She can’t do it alone. She understands she needs Troy’s help and support to have a family.
After lunch she excuses herself to phone Troy. In the front room I can hear her happy voice and even a giggle. When she returns, she tells me Troy is cooking for her tonight. He’s planned a romantic evening for the two to talk and share everything. She’s excited to return home, so I am happy for them.
On the porch, Bethany says goodbye to Alma, to Libby, and to me. She snaps a picture of the three of us to hide on her cell phone before she walks to her car. She pauses with her door in hand, turns, then she returns to kiss, hug, and say goodbye one more time to my daughter before climbing into her car and heading for Athens. I can only hope that Bethany remains strong, so she may keep my secret.
Late that evening I’ve tucked Libby into her crib, have the monitor next to me, and am enjoying a glass of wine with Alma as we watch the end of the Cubs game. My phone vibrates next to the baby monitor.
“Who could that be?” Alma wonders out loud.
Troy: I can never thank U enough for what U did for Bethany
Troy: I know she’s not completely healed
Troy: but she seems like herself again
Me: I think she was ready & some time away did the trick
Troy: whatever your conversations were
Troy: know I can never thank U enough
Me: I know she asked to visit me more often
Me: she is always welcome
Troy: thank you, thank you, thank you
Me: please take care of her. she’s still very fragile
Alma asks why I am smiling. I read Troy’s texts to her. We both agree our little Libby had an effect on Bethany. We are so happy she did. We believe a higher power guided her to drive to us in Columbia.
Horrible nightmares haunt me for several days following Bethany’s visit. The topics of the dreams range from another miscarriage for Bethany, me having a miscarriage instead of a healthy Liberty, and Bethany telling everyone in Athens about Liberty. I struggle to fall asleep and wake up often when I do sleep. Lack of sleep begins to disrupt my days.