Me: R U awake?
Hamilton: Yeah, what’s up?
Me: I have too much on my mind
Hamilton: Want me to call?
I hesitate in my response. I would love to talk to him about everything but hearing his voice over the phone before bed will just add more thoughts, although very pleasant thoughts, to my long list to worry about. Maybe he can distract me from everything else.
“Hey,” I greet when he answers my call.
“Hi, why didn’t you video call?”
“Are you crazy? It’s after eleven on Thanksgiving night. We’ve been up and cooking since seven. I’ve chased dogs and kids most of the day. I’m exhausted, my hair is in a messy bun, and I’m in my pajamas.”
“None of that matters to me and you know it. I’ve seen you…”
I want it to matter. I want him to desire me, to find me sexy, to think I am beautiful, and at this moment I am anything but beautiful.
“Spill it,” his deep gravelly voice prompts. “What has your mind swimming instead of sleeping?”
I share how much Alma loves having her family here for the holiday weekend and how they’ve somewhat adopted me as a little sister. For an only child it is both comforting and overwhelming. I tell Hamilton about the four resumes and applications I’ve submitted for open teaching positions in the spring in the Columbia area. I convey my worry that I will have to wait until fall to find one. I share my conversation with Cameron about my books. Hamilton knows I write to relax and work through things in my life. He’s very excited that I might be published. I speak of Bethany, Troy, her new pregnancy, and that she is keeping it from Troy. I’m both excited and scared for them. She so desperately wants to start a family. Then I talk about Adrian’s pregnancy and the approaching wedding of Latham and Salem.
I leave out my confusion at his actions. Am I his friend? Or am I more? I also do not share that I have a life-altering secret I need to share with him and I’m worried how he will react. I don’t reveal my insomnia is back and I fear the darkness of depression is creeping in again.
“So, you can see I have many reasons I can’t fall asleep tonight.” I roll onto my side with my cell phone between the pillow and my ear, then turn off the bedside lamp.
“You’ve always worried too much about those around you. You can’t solve everything for everyone and I love your loyalty to family and friends. Let’s focus on Madison’s items in your list.” He is both stern and caring.
“Have you applied to school districts outside of the Columbia Metro Area?” I wonder if his question includes areas very far from the Columbia area, like Athens. “I’ve only applied in the metro so far. As it is mid-year, most districts won’t have openings until late-spring and summer when contract renewals occur.” I don’t share that I have free childcare and living accommodations here versus me moving to another town.
“Remind me again what endorsements you have.”
Endorsements? Have I spoke of these enough that he remembers? It’s not usually a term those outside of education use. “I can teach in Kindergarten through eighth grade. I have endorsements in Social Studies and Mathematics. I’d love to find a history or math job in a middle school.” I roll to my back, once again holding my phone in my hand. Staring at my dark ceiling I wonder if he is doing the same in his room. Is he in pajamas or just boxers? Is his chest bare? Stop it! Focus Madison!
“I only have seven school days left in my student-teaching,” I sigh before yawning. “I think I am too attached to my students. I will have spent fourteen weeks with these middle schoolers and I already dread never seeing them again.”
“This is what will make you an excellent teacher. You care about their learning, their development, and them as people. The students lucky enough to get you as a teacher are blessed.” His faith in my teaching abilities causes me to smile. He is my number one fan, just as I am his.
“I’m sure like anything else, it’s a numbers game. The more resumes and applications you send, the calls for interviews will start rolling in.” I hear his yawn through the phone prompting me to yawn. “Think back to middle and high school. Did we have a single teacher that graduated from the University of Missouri?” While I think he continues. “All of our teachers attended Missouri Western, Northwest Missouri, and Truman State—all excellent teaching programs but not the University of Missouri. I have to believe your degree will set you apart from other applicants when you apply outside of Columbia.”
I had not thought of that. Why does he keep mentioning for me to apply outside of Columbia? He’s not in Athens. We shared a desire to leave and never return. Does he want me closer to his family? If so, why?
“Now, about those books.” Hamilton must stretch because I hear a satisfied groan escape him. It causes my belly to flutter as I imagine him without a shirt, his abs on display. “From what you’ve shared in the past, Cameron is accomplished—she’s well known in the publishing community. If she feels your books are good, they must be. You need to believe her.”
“Once the shock wore off, I did believe her. She both flattered and scared me. I had only thought of publishing once or twice and never looked into it. I had too many other things in my life that needed my attention. Now that she opened my mind to the possibility, I want it. I want it bad.” I close my eyes for a moment. I Imagine my books on a library shelf, on a bookstore shelf, and in a school library.
“When is her pitch meeting?”
“The second week of December,” I inform him.
“Wow, this could happen fast then.”
We continue to talk about finding out by December 14th if they want to pick me up as a new author, about the meetings with me that might follow, and how this might all occur before Christmas.
Next our conversation moves to Latham and Salem’s wedding. Hamilton will be in Athens visiting his mother and sister, so he will be at the wedding. At least I know ahead of time, so I can prepare for this encounter. I briefly flash back to my shock and reaction at seeing him at Adrian and Winston’s wedding last spring.
We chat about how our group of nine have changed so much from high school graduation. Two couples are already married, and both are expecting a baby. Another couple will marry in December. Little does he know two members of our group already have a daughter.
Our yawns grow more frequent. We decide I am now ready to fall asleep and say good night. Our conversation did the trick—I immediately fall asleep to dreams of Hamilton and I together raising our daughter Liberty.