As I walk back toward the barn, I remember anxiously awaiting Madison’s arrival this morning. I wish I could turn back time. I’d sweep her into the barn immediately when she arrived. I’d kiss her breathless and while she caught her breath I’d spill my heart to her. I’d tell her I love her, I’d tell her I want her in my life every day, and I’d ask her to consider moving our relationship forward.
When she began to argue, I’d share I imagine us married, starting a family, and living in Chicago year-round. In my dreams, she teaches in Chicago, she’s actively involved in the middle school, and often shares stories from school at our dinner table. I’d explain my strong desire to ask her to marry me, but realize we need to date, to solve our long-distance issues, and reconnect first.
I climb on the four-wheeler and peel out of the barn much too fast seeking the open pasture. As I drive my heart aches at her excitement of her new temporary teaching position. In my ear I hear mom saying, ‘if you snooze you lose’. Because I hesitated in sharing my feelings, I can no longer share as it will make her choose career or me.
The excitement on her face and in her voice as she shared about her temporary job, I can’t ask her to give that up to be with me. I want her near me and I want her happy. I know how hard she worked in high school, throughout the past year to earn her degree, and to secure this job. I can’t cause her to lose that light in her eyes. I can’t ask her to choose me over the temporary position.
I’m such an idiot. I’m out here zooming around on an ATV that my coach and agent would have a coronary if they knew about when I want to be with Madison. My goal is to spend as much time with her this weekend as I can. It’s time to stop pouting, man up, and enjoy the weekend with Madison while I can be near her.