Nicholas and I stared at each other. That telltale rush of adrenaline down my spine told me I went pale. He recovered enough to speak first.
“What are you doing here?” He raised one hand and ran his fingers through his dark hair, leaving a pleasing tousled look.
I pulled myself back into professional mode and tried to gauge his mood. We hadn't spoken since the morning after the party, and I was sure there was plenty he wanted to say to me. But he kept his eyes carefully blank as he waited, anticipating my answer.
The coldness of the outside air finally snapped me out of my reverie, and I opened the door wider, shivering. “Come in,” I said quietly. “Jessica asked me to go through some of Emily's things for her.”
He squinted at me through pain-filled eyes. I closed the door slowly, taking the opportunity to haul in a deep breath. When I finally faced him, he still studied me. That fact made me nervous, but whatever he needed to say to me, I would listen. I knew more than anyone how therapeutic clearing the air could be. I didn't owe him much, but I did owe it to him to let him say his peace.
“Where is Jessica?” He tucked his fingertips in the pocket of his jeans.
I hooked my thumb over my shoulder. “Passed out on her bed, drunk as ever.”
His eyes rolled in an insufferable expression. “Guess I better go check on her.”
“I already did when you rang the door bell. She was about thirty seconds away from burning down the house with a cigarette in her hand when I found her.”
“Geez,” he mumbled and ran his fingers through his hair again.
“She needs help, Nicholas.” It suddenly occurred to me that despite her folly, he'd once had a relationship with her. Did her state of mind bother him? Did he still love her?
His eyes met mine again and he finally nodded, looking sad. “I know. But I guess you can never stop hoping, no matter how bad the situation is that she’ll want to change.”
I could only nod my agreement. “I know this is hard on you.”
He huffed. “Well, Jessica and I haven't talked much over the years. It's hard to see her like this, yeah. When we were together before, she was a different person. She liked to drink a lot, but I never dreamed it would turn into this.” He waved his hand toward her bedroom and shook his head again, disgust etched in the grim set of his mouth.
“Guilt has a way of doing that to a person.” I tried to focus on Jessica instead of the fact that he acknowledged not talking to her much, despite having had a child with her. It made me doubt him even more.
“Well, I was just finishing up Emily's room. I'll grab my things and be out of your way.” I still didn't know why he was here and didn't ask. It was none of my business. I hurried to rush past him but his gentle grasp on my arm stopped me.
When he didn't let go, I looked up at him. His eyes were full of sorrow. His thumb rubbed against my skin back and forth until I tugged it for him to let go. I didn't want his touch. I couldn't want his touch. And I didn't deserve not to be yelled at after lying to him.
“Thank you.” He swallowed. “For everything you did for Emily and for going above your call of duty to help Jessica, too.”
He finally let go and took a step back, tucking his hands in his jean pockets again. “I haven't done anything I didn't want to do.” Ok, maybe I hadn't wanted to go through Emily's things, but I was glad I had. I might never have recovered the picture of the two of us otherwise.
“Thank you,” he said again. With a nod of his head, he walked toward Jessica's room. I followed his movement, the wide expanse of his shoulders moving languidly with each step. His hips moved with grace, almost like a cowboy's long stride, but those jeans hugging his thighs certainly weren't cowboy. They were nothing but rock and roll.
I forced myself out of my reverie and went back to Emily's room to gather my things. My eyes caught the bag Jessica said was Nicholas's and I grabbed it, too. It was then I heard the low murmurs of voices and knew Nicholas had managed to wake Jessica. The sound of her laughter met my ears and while I was shocked to hear it, I knew Nicholas was capable of charming any kind woman, drunk or sober, shy or aggressive.
I hurried out of the room with my things and the bag for Nicholas, turning the light off with a quick backward glance. Her room was empty now. I alone had erased Emily's life and the sorrow ate at my last nerve. But I hadn't touched her bed. That was something not even I, someone who dealt with death on a daily basis, could do. The bed was her haven, a place she could rest and feel safe. I couldn't be the one to take that away.
I placed the bag next to the door for Nicholas to see and closed the front door softly behind me. Seeing Nicholas again caught me off guard, and I didn't like to feel this way...so out of control and emotional. I felt something during my time with him, something profound and unexplainable that I didn't want to think about again. My life wasn't about feelings or makeshift relationships in a hotel room, it was about getting through each day at a time with as little complication as necessary. I wasn't relationship material that much I knew, and it was clear from the beginning Nicholas wasn't looking for forever. Sure, he might have dazzled me and made me think crazy things about forever, love and commitment, but when all the layers were chipped away to nothing but bare bones, those things were better left for someone other than me. Once, many years ago, I tried to do forever and it ended less than three years later with the discovery of another woman sleeping on my side of the bed.
Working third shift definitely had its disadvantages.
I was over him now. Completely. I didn't think about him at all, in fact, except for times like this when I couldn't help compare situations. I was a quick study and wouldn't make the same mistake twice. I never wanted to be in that kind of relationship again. I was over the man, but not the circumstance. Trusting in someone like that again would no doubt be the end of me. When I loved, I loved deeply. It was my fault I gave one man that kind of power, but I couldn't undo it now.
As I sat inside my car, I noticed for the first time that it was snowing. Not much, more of a flurry, but it reminded me of the coming storm. I still had to run by the store for a few canned goods in case the power went out or I wasn't able to leave.
Turning the engine, it made a wheezing sound and died. When I twisted the key again, it just clicked at me like a dying porpoise. My heart sank and I put my head in my hands. The cold wasn't even bothering me yet with so much adrenaline flowing, although I did realize it was well below freezing. My thoughts were only on getting as much distance as I could from Nicholas and Emily.
So the knock on my window scared ten years off my life. I yelped and saw Nicholas's hand pressed against the glass, his face looming near it so he could see in. Since it was dark and there were no streetlights in the neighborhood, I knew he couldn't see me.
“Everything ok?” he called.
I nodded but realized he couldn't see it. “Yes.” Just peachy fine. Go away and leave me alone.
“Car trouble?”
Wasn't he one to point out the obvious? “Yes.”
This time he opened the door and let even colder air spill in. “Come on.” He took my hand without waiting for permission. “I've got a rental. I'll drop you off at your house.”
I didn't want his touch, not even through the black leather gloves that were so warm as they encased my hand. But I didn't want him to let go, either. I grabbed my purse and keys with my free hand and allowed Nicholas to lead me to his car. He opened the door for me, light spilling on the interior. I noted the black leather interior and the suave silver of the car, but I couldn't tell much more about it in the darkness.
I sat down and he closed the door firmly behind me. I held on to my purse with both hands, trying to calm my marathon heart.
When he got in and cranked up the engine, a blast of warm air hit me in the face and I closed my eyes, realizing for the first time how cold I was. I held my hands up to the vent and sighed.
“I see you got your bag,” I said, trying not to think too much. When Nicholas and I were together before, conversation came easy. I hoped that was still the case, but feared it wouldn't be.
“Yeah, just a few things of Emily's I wanted to keep.”
I didn't invite any further conversation, and I kept my mouth shut over my curiosity of what he could possibly want.
“I heard on the radio coming over the storm is supposed to be pretty bad. Do you need to stop by and get any firewood or anything?”
I made a face, comfortable that he couldn’t see me in the dark. Wouldn't it be my luck he was so thoughtful? “Um, I could use a few canned goods. If you could just drop by a convenience store, I won't take up much of your time.”
“I don't have anything going on right now. I don't mind. Which way am I going?” he asked as he backed out of the driveway.
“North,” I replied. “There's a Chevron up the road a little bit.”
We drove in silence. I refused to stare, but I couldn't help watching him from the corner of my eye. He handled the wheel of the car with skill and negotiated the streets with ease, while casually leaning his elbow against the driver side door. His other hand was draped over the steering wheel and his legs were spread wide. And as the car heated up to near sweltering temperatures, the scent of pine assailed me and had me thinking about our time together in Atlanta.
He pulled into the Chevron and I ran in, taking the last three cans of soup they had, along with a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk and a twelve-pack of bottled water. Nicholas saw me struggling with my purchases and was out of the car in a flash, taking some of the load and putting it in the back seat. Again, he opened the door for me.
His kindness killed my resolve to keep my distance. I was almost ready for him to yell at me for lying to him. Why wasn't he mentioning it? One thing was for sure, I certainly wasn't bringing it up.
I quietly gave him directions to my apartment complex. By then, the snow was falling so hard we could barely see anything. We slid on the road and Nicholas maneuvered the car to a sideways stop just before we hit the ditch. Both of us were breathing heavy and when I glanced at him, he had the nerve to chuckle.
“Well, that was interesting.” He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “You okay?”
I took a moment to make sure everything was still intact. My shoulder burned where the seatbelt caught but otherwise I felt fine and said so. I was surprised when he grabbed my hand and squeezed until I met his kind stare.
“I'll try to be a little more careful,” he promised as he released me and turned the car back onto the road.
We weren't far from my apartment and soon enough we pulled into a parking space. I expected this to be the moment he turned to me, all serious, wanting to talk about the picture. But he surprised me yet again by cutting the engine, getting out of the car, and grabbing my pack of bottled water from the back seat. I already had my milk and plastic bag full of soup.
“I'm in 14A,” I said and closed the door of his rental with my hip, shaking my hair out of my face so I could see as good as I could past the fat snowflakes. As I walked to my door, I mentally calculated if I had left any underwear lying out or dirty dishes in the sink. I didn't think so, but I wasn't expecting company so I hadn't paid attention.
I turned the key in my door and flipped on the light. Doing a quick survey, I saw things were fairly tidy. I quickly put the milk in the refrigerator and the soup in my cabinet and turned to Nicholas to unload the water. He was already opening it and pulling out the bottles. I stood and watched him, seemingly at ease in a home he just walked into. I figured it was from all the women he spent the night with over the years.
Clearing my throat, I said, “Thank you. You didn't have to do that.” I didn't have the heart to tell him I usually drank them at room temperature. He winked at me over his shoulder when he squatted and put the last of them inside.
He stood, suddenly looking at me so intently that I walked away and turned on the TV. I couldn’t stand to see him looking that way because I wanted it to mean something else. But it couldn’t. It wasn't an invitation for him to stay but rather a way for me to avoid that stare. I didn't sit down, either. I just stood awkwardly in the room, waiting for him to leave. I figured he would take that as an invitation, too.
I turned my attention to the newscaster on TV speaking in a harried tone about the falling snow as though it signaled the end of the world. The population in the southern United States generally panicked at the mention of snow. Even though it was after eight in the evening and it just began snowing a few hours ago, schools had let out at noon. No doubt these same schools would be closed for a few days hence. I considered myself lucky to find a loaf of bread at the Chevron because people stocked up enough food to feed an army at the hint of snow in the forecast.
“Looks like they upped the amount of snow. It was only a foot of snow earlier today.” Nicholas said as he walked up beside me to stand, all Green Giant-like with his legs spread wide and his arms folded across his chest. His blue eyes narrowed as he studied the TV.
With great effort, I drew my gaze away from Nicholas and focused on what the news anchor said. Sure enough, they now predicted up to two and a half feet of snow. I had only been twelve the last time we saw that kind of snow.
We stood in silence, listening.
“This just in for our viewing area. The city of Huntsville has let us know that all side roads and overpasses are icing quickly. They are taking precautions and closing down roads that pose a threat to our community. For your safety, please do not try to go around roadblocks. It's best for you to stay inside if at all possible.”
Nicholas and I looked at each other. “Guess I better head on before it gets any worse.”
I just nodded my head and took a step in the direction of the front door, relieved that it was about to be over. But Nicholas didn't move and the step forward only put me closer to him. The look in his beautiful blue eyes stopped me. It was clear he was trying to figure out how to say something to me.
Clearing my throat again, I decided I would help him out. “Aren't you going to yell at me?” I dropped my gaze to our feet and waited for his answer.
“Yell at you? Why?”
“For not giving you the picture right away.”
At his chuckle, I looked at that smiling mouth, so beautiful and perfect. “I should be asking you that question.”
“Why?”
“Because I owe you an apology.”
Floored, I could only gape at him.
“I've already yelled at you once, and I don't want to do it again, Sophie. I'm sorry I lost it when I saw Emily's picture. It caught me off guard.”
I frowned at him. “What?”
He smiled again, that dimple in his cheek winking at me wickedly. “It wasn't fair to you. Especially after all you did for Emily.”
For once, I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I hated it when people felt obligated to me after someone died. I often received five-page thank you notes, flowers, and chocolate for my services. I guess I should feel lucky that I made an impression on the families of the sick, but it mainly just cheapened the experience for me. “I did what I did for Emily because I wanted to, not because it was expected. And you're forgiven.”
He looked at me and crossed his arms. “You're not going to get all hormonal on me and play the estrogen card? Now's your chance, you know.”
I chuckled at that. “No. I think I’m the one who owes you an apology anyway. I should have told you on the roof, when we were talking about her.”
“Maybe so, but we can't change it now.” He shrugged. His eyes roamed my face and I got the impression he was sizing me up in light of the new information he had about me. When they finally settled on my lips, I knew I was in trouble. I needed him to leave. Soon.
“It's getting late.” I pointed at the TV. There were road closings scrolling across the bottom of the screen now.
“Yeah,” he said and snapped his fingers together. He pushed away from the couch and walked the short distance the front door. He turned to me at the last minute and I almost collided with him.
“Thanks again,” he murmured and gathered me in his arms. I didn't want to admit how good it felt to be there after so many months of imagining it, but I closed my eyes and allowed myself to melt into his embrace. I allowed myself to enjoy the brief connection I swore I didn't want. But in that moment, all I wanted was for him to stay with me and hold me just like this.
Our friendship was still oddly placed in my mind. We spoke in circles about Emily, avoiding anything too deep. It was like we were afraid of each other. I suppose when I thought about it, that was the exact emotion I felt toward Nicholas.
Fear.
Mainly because he was a representation of all I hoped to avoid.
He pulled away and I read the intent in his eyes but I couldn't be weak like I was at the hotel. I turned my head at the last minute and his lips touched my cheek.
The frustrated exhale of his breath against my face touched me, but I knew Nicholas wasn't feeling anything emotional, only physical. I felt the blood slogging through my veins and tampered it down.
“I don't do casual, Nicholas, remember?” As I looked at him, my heart danced all funny in my chest, like it was closing up and I couldn't breathe. Those electric blue eyes bore a hole straight through me. I couldn't really read what he felt just then and that bothered me. I relied a lot on physical communication in my line of work and when I couldn't read someone, I felt a little inept.
“Right,” he drawled, a sarcastic grin quirking one corner of his mouth.
He opened the door behind him and slipped out, letting a burst of cold air in. I shivered but focused on locking the door and turning back to the TV for the latest weather update. My brain worked overtime. I tried to push the feel of Nicholas's lips against my cheek out of my mind, but my heart kept coming back to it.
I sat there for a while, wondering how on earth I was going to survive this. I hadn't even thought to ask Nicholas why he was here.
So lost in thought, I almost didn't hear the knock at my door. I didn't get visitors and the few I did usually had the wrong apartment number.
Through the peephole, I saw Nicholas stood at the door. I opened it, waiting for an explanation. He briskly rubbed his hands together and blew on them, narrowing his eyes from the cold on me.
“The highway is closed and they won't let me through.”
I continued to stare at him, not really understanding what he tried to say. When I raised my eyebrows, he assumed the manly stance with his hands on his hips.
“I'm going to have to stay with you.”