The next evening, I was lying on the floor reading when Kole came into my room, his tank top on awkwardly and his hair down, Ma just behind him, her cheeks pink and her grey tooth making a shadow in her smile.
‘You kiddies coming or what?’ he said.
‘Not a kid.’
‘Don’t start.’
‘Where, though?’ Blue was asleep. I had my hand on his hair. Ink on my fingers. Before his nap, we’d been drawing.
‘To the old Town Hall museum thing. Nev just called.’
Ma came over and picked up Blue. She could barely get him up to her waist sometimes.
‘Free drinks down there, Cha,’ she said. ‘Some party thing. Nev said.’
‘What do you mean free drinks?’ I said. ‘Fucking last thing you need.’
‘Look at her,’ Ma said to Kole. ‘I’ve created a monster.’ She shook her head, turned back to me. ‘Don’t be rude. Kole thought we could go down together. Like a family.’
‘What a lovely family,’ I said. ‘But is it actually for kids or what? Blue’s tired.’
But Kole was in a big, happy mood, knocking on downstairs doors to pass the invite on, then coming back and doing this kind of dance thing like he was shaking dice in his hand and then letting them out in a throw. Ma was wearing eyeliner and when she walked past me she smelled of wood and bubble gum. Another present.
‘Jesus,’ I said.
‘What?’
‘You smell like eight different prostitutes.’
‘Don’t be a—’
‘All of them trapped in one car.’
‘Bitch.’ She tried to hit me but I ducked away.
Outside, on the stairs, we bumped into Viv and her son Bob, as well as Lace and Aran and Tom. Lots of other people from the building were going, too. Viv picked up Blue and rocked him like he was on a swing. ‘Helloboyhelloboyhelloboy,’ she said, fast, like it was all one sound. ‘I’ve missed this hot little head.’
Once we were out, it felt good, everyone walking together like that. It was a big group. Male legs making their owners stride to the front, women a bit behind, some wearing high heels that crunched over shells and old sand.
People were dressed up. Clean T-shirts, short skirts. Jewellery, and big stuff, too. Lace had a gold ring on nearly every one of his fingers, and when Kole shook his hand he said, ‘Got your clichés on, mate. It’s good to see!’
The tide was high – we could hear the wet smacking of the water hitting the first sea barrier – so we walked the back way, over and out through the car park. Quickly, too, and I remember thinking, it’s funny how fast people will walk towards something, especially when they don’t know what it is.
When we got to the town square, in front of the main building there was already a big crowd waiting to get in. There was a queue, but it wasn’t a line, it was a mash of people, with kids sheltering between legs like door frames in a storm.
I thought of you – I wondered if you’d heard about it. I looked for a flash of blonde among all the heads.
‘Tell them not to run out of beer, faggot!’ Kole shouted to a guy he knew up the front. I think it was Jase Jackson who used to hang out with JD and Kole back in the day. He always used to tag the s’s in his name as dollar signs. Jase gave Kole the finger, but nicely. Being with Kole, we could have gone straight to the front of the queue, but we stayed back, Kole shouting hellos at people he knew, shaking hands, rough-patting backs.
Kole came back from talking to someone who was just leaving. ‘What happens is, they give you these little token things, few each, and when you get inside you swap one for a beer – or something soft if you’re a kid – and that’s it. Free as the day.’
Ma looked happy. She found a pillow in Kole’s shoulder.
‘Why, though?’ I said.
‘Nev said it’s the government.’
‘What do you mean, the government?’
‘That new lad. Meyer. I don’t know. People who want to help, anyway.’
‘Who want to help throw a party?’ I said.
‘Yeah?’ Kole said.
‘“Yeah,”’ I copied his voice, ‘but why? That’s fucking weird.’
‘Don’t look at me like I’m stupid.’
At the door, we got given our tokens. Grey for the adults, orange for Blue. We wandered in, went upstairs. The main bit of the party was happening in the old council chamber, with these tall arched windows. Some kind of ceremonial dock was being used as a bar. There were a few hundred people inside. Maybe more. Some type of silky music running through the air, nothing you’d play at home.
Kole saw Nev and shouted over lots of heads till he came to join us. We were in the queue for the bar.
‘Your hair, Nev…’ Ma said. She was sucking in her cheeks so she didn’t laugh. Nev scratched at one side of it – it really did looked chewed. ‘It looks good, Nev. New, I’d say. A new kind of style. A lewk.’ She squeezed me on the leg. Soft nails.
‘You’re a lovely person, Jas. Don’t know why you put up with this bag of rocks.’ Nev did a knock-knock on Kole’s pecs, then slipped Kole five or six more tokens and told him there was more where that came from.
‘Is he coming, then?’ Ma asked Nev. ‘Someone said he might be.’
‘Is who coming?’ Nev said.
‘Meyer,’ Kole cut in. ‘Look at her face. The suspense!’
‘Haha, I don’t know, mate,’ Nev said. ‘But this lot seem alright though, honestly. I was put in touch ’cos they were looking for liaisons. Told ’em beer would be a good idea, if they wanted to make friends.’ They cheersed, this soft plastic clink. ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ he said. ‘London men, the cuntiest that come. But these lot seem different. Talking about reconciliation. Reparations.’
‘Six syllables, Nev!’ I said.
‘Well I dunno,’ he said. ‘But anything’s better than how it’s been.’
‘What do you mean liaisons?’ Kole cut in. ‘Like a hooker?’
‘No, no,’ Nev said again. ‘Not scabs or nothing, more power than that. Giving advice more. “Community links.”’ He did the speech marks and rolled his eyes. ‘Oh, you know. Good money. Easy work.’ He winked then in a way that made him look nervous. ‘I can hook you up, mate, if you’re interested. If you wanna…’ Nev said to Kole. ‘I could do that.’
It always got me how big men, men with scars on their knuckles and necks, would offer Kole things, even if he wasn’t asking. Kole ruffled Nev’s hair, then pretended to kick him, so he scuttled away.
We drank from plastic bottles with screw-tops. They came from a fridge, but they hadn’t been in there long. I pushed mine against my arm – it was only a tiny bit colder than my skin. Kole took a swig of Blue’s bottle and handed it back to him. They both drank the same way, with the entire screwy bit of the bottle in their mouth.
‘I can feel that on my teeth. Phwwwoo. Kid’s gonna be walking up the walls,’ Kole laughed, and took Ma’s waist like they were about to go dancing. ‘Fun, this,’ he said. ‘Even if it’s for narks.’
The beer went to my head quickly. It wasn’t very fizzy. The sound of cheers, people knocking together plastic bottles. The kids were still winding through adults’ legs. It made it feel like there were two worlds operating at different heights. There was one fight, but it was broken in half quickly, and soon the two men were chatting again.
There weren’t many people there my age. A few of the girls from Manston got there later. We nodded at each other and that was it. I thought about you. I stood on my tiptoes, then when I didn’t see you, I asked a couple of people if they’d seen Davey. No one had.
I stood about a metre away from Kole, Ma and Blue. Kole was lairy but in a good mood, Blue was holding his leg. Kole was saying things into Ma’s ear and she was laughing. She wasn’t steady on her feet and she looked very young and very old at the same time.
‘Have you looked at the signs?’ I asked them.
‘Ain’t come here to read,’ Kole said.
‘Only ’cos you can’t.’
‘Yes, I fucking can. LandSave,’ he said, reading from one of the posters on the wall. ‘Easy.’ He crushed his empty bottle, and burped at the same time. ‘Fuck knows what dumb shit it is, though.’
Ma’s eyes had started to glaze, look milky. It happened more quickly than usual. The music got louder, the lights picked up pace a bit.
Everyone was moving through into the next room. There was a first-floor passageway between the two buildings, no glass in any of the windows. I looked out. Loads of people were trying to get in. Someone stood on a friend’s shoulders and a bunch of people pulled him in through a missing pane. It was funny walking with Kole. People would smile at me, see Kole, their faces would drop, then they’d try to smile at him too.
I’d never been inside the Town Hall before. In the second room, there were more of the signs everywhere. It smelled of fresh paint, that chemical cut grass smell, and there was a weird stage at the front, bouncer types standing on either side. Even Kole said they were big lads.
I don’t know how long we were in there for before the show started. It had all got a bit foggy since just before then. But I remember feeling Kole’s hand grab my jumper. He left Ma to the side and pulled me forward.
It’s broken-up pictures more than anything. There were some dancers. Some fat guy who told jokes. Kole got us two more rounds of the plastic beers, then more, then more. It was colder now. It made the top of my mouth feel dry and my heart feel bigger, somehow. Even more, I thought about you. I asked Nev if everyone in town was invited, even new people.
‘New people?’ he said. One of his eyelids was starting to dip. ‘Why would any fucker choose to come here?’
I wondered if you were here already, or if you’d be here soon, and suddenly I would feel a hand on my back, and we would be able to go somewhere together. I thought about the last time we’d been alone and my stomach did these flips. Perfect circles, getting bigger each time.
But like I said, it got blurry. I hate myself for that. The beer made my eyes feel like pinhole cameras. But when I pulled Blue up onto my hip, his pupils looked like the hugest things, wet black ink. A man walked onto the stage, and a screen lit up behind him. He was wearing a suit. I hadn’t seen one of those in ages.
I tapped my mum’s arm. ‘Is that Meyer?’ I asked her.
‘No, no, I told you – Meyer’s fit,’ she said.
‘Fuck’s sake,’ one of Nev’s friends shouted out at the same time, ‘it’s not a wedding, is it?’ and you could see who’d said it because the people around him leaned back in laughter.
The man on stage continued without looking up. There were sunspots on the bald parts of his head. ‘A lot of you have been frustrated for a long time,’ he said. ‘But tonight? Tonight is the opposite of that. Tonight is a celebration.’ He paused, took a breath. His chest swelled. ‘We’re asking you to take a step. A step with us. A step closer to a brighter future.’ Between each of his sentences there was a gap big enough for a cheer. It started coming. Because, in a way, it doesn’t really matter what’s being said. You can make anything sound good by speaking slowly like that.
I looked over at Kole and my mum. He was pretending to slap her face, doing a hard run at it, then only tapping her cheek lightly.
‘LandSave is going to change this country,’ the man said. ‘LandSave will change all of your lives.’
The cheering went crazy after that. I couldn’t see the stage now, because everyone’s hands were in the air. I pushed forward to get a look. And then the crowd surged forward even more. I held still and it felt like standing against a wave. How drunk I was, it hit me when all those people did. I couldn’t stay there. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, and the worst thing was, I was so out of it I didn’t even look for Blue, I just turned around, and pushed through the forest of bodies.
I vaguely remember a hand on my shoulder, a voice from behind me. ‘There you are. Is it rubbish in there or what?’
It was Davey. He was covered in sawdust from work. He blew matte hair out of his eyes. I can’t remember everything I said, just that it was slurred. I remember my tongue feeling too big for my mouth.
‘You alright?’ he asked. I could see him looking at all the different parts of my face like he would be able to work out what I wanted to say.
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Just have to – might be sick.’
‘Chance…’ he said, and he started to follow me.
‘Just a moment on my own, Davey,’ I said. ‘On my own.’
Outside, empty bottles were blowing in bumps along the cobbles. A group of young teenagers sat around sharing cigarettes or drink or kem. They made a tent over it.
I remember I couldn’t walk straight. I remember my eyes watering. I wiped my eyes on the back of my wrists. I could taste the salt in them. It was warm out. The type of thick air that makes people fight. I made my way towards a bench.
And from then on, it’s black.