‘I’m almost embarrassed,’ I told you next time we were at the China House together. ‘You’ve arrived at a real high point. Honestly, it’s normally a lot more rubbish than this. Don’t tell your people – they’ll stop all the charity.’
‘Don’t worry,’ you said. ‘I’ll keep it quiet.’
‘What’s it like down at the food bank though? Meyer putting you out of business?’
‘Not yet. It’s been busy. Look at this, by the way.’ You held out your hand and there were dents on your fingertips. ‘You grind your teeth in the night, you know. It’s awful. Makes the sound of heavy machinery.’
‘That wasn’t the night.’
‘Well, when you sleep then. Open your mouth. Just here—’ your thumb against my molars ‘—flat at the back. That side’s the worst. I had to put my finger in there to stop you. And you bit me so hard.’
‘Do people like him in London?’ I said. I spoke with my mouth full, then kind of spat your finger out.
‘The way you say that word…’
‘How do you want me to say it?’ I said. ‘Lahn-don? Lon-dahn?’
‘It’s just – I don’t know. A city isn’t one place. Lots of people are still really upset about what happened.’
‘Crying oceans sitting in their penthouse palaces…’
‘Or trying to help?’
‘Okay,’ I said, ‘point taken. And these people, they like Meyer?’
‘Yeah,’ you said.
‘You don’t sound sure.’
‘Well it’s never simple, is it?’
‘Kole…’ I said. ‘Kole’s drinking the Meyer Kool-Aid like it’s a beer keg, fucking deep throat.’ I opened my mouth, stuck my tongue out. ‘My mum, too. It’s like my friend Davey says – there’s a mug in every cupboard. In my case, two.’
‘And what do you think?’ you said.
‘I’m kind of like come, go, it’s always the same old empty shit-all with these people.’
‘I don’t know,’ you said, shrugging. ‘People say he’s clever. That he, like, gets things done.’
‘Action Man,’ I said.
‘Exactly.’
‘It’s a dumb nickname.’
‘Honestly, Chance, you going to kiss these broken fingers or what?’
Later that afternoon, I saw Davey using a janky-looking scaffolding to replace a window above a cafe, one of the old ones, think it was Beano’s.
‘Glass!’ I said. ‘Not even chipboard. Look at you go, boyyo. High roller.’ He had the pane in his hands, finger smudges on it that caught in the sun. He looked through it at me. It was heavy and even though his arms were strong, the tension in them made them vibrate as he held it above his head. He laid down the glass as carefully as if it were a baby. I asked where Trev was. They normally worked together. ‘Didn’t you hear?’ he said. ‘He’s over at the Pearl.’
‘The Pearl’s reopened too?’
‘He was the last one who had the keys. The LandSave lot came round and offered him to open it back up.’ Davey lowered himself down to me on a rope he had wrapped round in a reef knot. ‘It’s happening all over. Where you been hiding? Hello,’ he said, because he hadn’t said that yet. He hugged me. Stepped back. ‘He’s back on the juice in a big way. Trev, I mean. Like loads. Not that it’s bad,’ he said. He was biting on one of his cuticles. ‘It’s just life. Living. But I found him yesterday on the floor behind the bar. Lying on the floor. Cracked open his eyebrow like it was an egg. I mean, it was the size of an egg when I found him. All swolled up.’
‘Swelled. Swollen.’
‘Yeah. Not that I mind. It’s cool, you understand. I’m happy for him. It’s just a bit sad.’
Davey could say one thing and then the opposite in the same sentence, but I always understood what he meant. The black and the white to get to the grey, which is always the hardest thing to say. He spat out the little bit of cuticle he’d bitten off and then he looked up and worked out whether he could leave the window he was working on. ‘Walk with me for a sec?’ he said. ‘Come see?’
We went up Dane Hill.
‘You wanna be careful out, by the way, when you’re off at work,’ Davey said. ‘The LandSave lot also brought a whole raft of forcies in. Saw a couple of boys proper bashed about. Like, not strung up exactly, but left for show.’
‘Anyone we know?’
‘Fuck knows by the time I saw them. But no, don’t think so. Westgate boys, I reckon,’ he said. He burped and blew it out in a thin stream. ‘Coming here, stealing our opportunities.’
‘The Westgate boys or the LandSave lot?’
‘Both, I suppose. Tough times. Fucking hell!’ he shouted. ‘Look at that!’ And his eyes darted up to just behind my shoulder.
‘What?’ I said and I turned, and that was when Davey made a grab for my boob, and I spun round and knocked his cap off.
‘Honestly, you’re on fire today,’ I said. ‘Idiot. Wish you were actually on fire.’
‘What did I tell you? I should have been on TV. I coulda been a contender.’ He made his cheeks puffy.
‘A pretender.’
‘A total bender. One can but hope. All these lives we’ll never have, eh, Chancey.’ And he licked the line of a crisp white Rizla.
We’d just got to the Pearl. The windows were open. The sound of voices, softened by carpets, fell out onto the streets. Looking through the windows I could see us there as kids – Davey smashing up a packet of scampi fries with the bottom of his glass so he could pour it into his mouth like powder.
‘All this talk,’ he said. ‘Do you want a drink or what?’
When we stepped inside, Trevor welcomed us in, and pulled us behind the bar so we could serve ourselves. He had sores on his face, and his nose was so red it looked a little angry. Still, he himself seemed happy as anything. At one point, he even played air guitar. He took us downstairs into the cellar and showed us the kit he’d been given.
‘Got these nozzle things,’ Trevor said. ‘Add them to the pumps to make the beer go further. Means we got a sea of the stuff.’
‘Like I told you, a sea he’s taking as a personal challenge,’ Davey finished.
Before the pubs had shut the last time, they’d all been so quiet. In those days, people made a pint last hours. But that day, the Pearl was packed. It reminded me of the short time someone found a patch of oil not far from the coast. They did a real cowboy job on it – noticed a patch of black sea and used normal construction stuff to crack open the hole until it spurted – but suddenly a few guys had had mad amounts of money, until the patch of sea was sold off whole.
But this was a different crowd. In the main bar, Davey was the only young guy. Everyone else was older, or a girl like me.
‘They saying it’s alright then, Trev?’ I asked. ‘The boys down at the LandSave sites? Seems like everyone and his brother’s down there, apart from slacker Davey.’
‘Alright I think,’ Trev said. ‘From what I heard, they’re staying out there mostly. Hence this mob squad of oldies propping up the bar.’ He gestured to the two guys closest to him. ‘Mob for mobility vehicle.’
‘All tussling for it, these young ones,’ one of the old men said. ‘Getting all fit. But you’ve seen the vans. Looks random enough how they’re picking. More like whether lady luck’s looking at you.’
‘Think she’s got cataracts, my one,’ his friend said, then accidentally burped as he laughed.
There were LandSave beermats along the length of the bar. Davey had scratched half the letters off his, so it said ‘d ave’.
‘It’s sick in a way,’ he said. ‘Buying everyone back with party time.’ He took a chunky gulp of his pint.
‘Mate, the way you open your gullet…’ I said.
‘Austerity to Faliraki – over-fucking-night! It’s fucked up.’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Fucked up. Also a tiny bit fun.’ I raised my glass. ‘Like a centimetre or something.’
It was a funny night. There was a good feeling in there. That was the evening I was supposed to come and meet you, and didn’t. A few drinks in, someone put a paper full of kem on the table. I don’t know who from, but no one was asking for money.
It’s the first second of it, when you can’t work out if you’re falling or flying. Good, though. It does feel good. I took some, took more, chased that feeling and forgot all the things I was supposed to do. But I didn’t do it because I was sad. I did it because I was happy. That happens too sometimes.
After that, though, when I got home, the other stuff I told you about why I couldn’t see you that night, that was true.
Kole was just as wasted when he got back. He slammed the door so hard a bit of the lock detached from the wood. I only noticed that in the morning. ‘Open your eyes,’ he said when he saw me passed out on the sofa. He slapped me awake. Hard fingers. He shook his head. ‘Always a fucking mess.’
I managed to get my hands up over my face. He kicked the sofa. Reached for my cheek, then my ear, then my neck. Normal stuff. When he pulled me off the sofa with one hand, I tried to tell him not to. I put my arms around myself.
‘Don’t what?’ He grabbed me by my top, brought my face next to his mouth. ‘Don’t fucking what? You’d be lucky.’ He dropped me back down again. ‘You always got inside my head.’ I could taste his breath. ‘Did it on purpose. I know you did.’ I had my eyes tight shut.
‘No self-control,’ he said then. ‘Shitty little tease.’ I heard him spit, and I felt it land wet and solid on my chest.