It’s Monday and I’m supposed to be meeting Ethan after school. It’s all I can think about. I worry that I won’t be able to lip-read him properly this time. I worry that he’ll think I sound like a retard when I talk.
In my last class for the day I start thinking I’ll cancel.I draft a text to Ethan, but for some reason I just can’t send it.
I pack my bag with all the books I need and put it on my back. It’s really heavy. The sign for ‘turtle’ jumps into my head. It’s one hand on top of the other, all the fingers aligned. The thumbs wag for flippers.
It’s a cute sign but hardly the look I am going for.Anyway, I need to start thinking like a hearing girl.
I walk slowly towards the milk bar. I stop at the corner.I can see him. There’s a whole bunch of kids there, but Ethan is taller than anyone else. A girl is hitting him with a flat palm on the chest. The same girl is now hugging him.It’s like she’s hitting him so that she can hug him afterwards.It happens twice before I realise who it is.
Horse Girl.
I take a step backwards. I think I might be able to slink away before he sees me. But he suddenly looks over at me, raising his arm in a wave. He walks away from the group towards me. Horse Girl’s eyes follow him. My bag feels like lead. My mouth is dry as I try to return his smile.
Horse Girl’s eyes are small to begin with, so when she squints at me they practically disappear. Her mouth, though, is extra large. Unfortunately, she’s not that hard to lip-read, even from a distance.
‘Oh … sweet!’ she says to another guy nearby. ‘Ethan must be … project for SOSE. I … a homeless shelter.’
It takes me a minute to process, my mind perhaps refusing to follow her logic. But then it hits me.
I feel like slapping her in the face. Either that or running in the other direction. Once, I would have seriously considered the first option, but right now the latter seems to be the stronger impulse. It’s only knowing how clumsy and turtle-like I would look, doing that with my heavy bag, that stops me.
Ethan turns back to Horse Girl so I can’t see what he says to her, though I can see him shake his head – maybe like he doesn’t know what she’s on about. I hope.
Horse Girl stands with her hands on her hips, staring at us. We turn and head in the other direction. I don’t look back. Ethan offers to take my bag. I’ve never been one of those girls who gets guys to do things for them, but it’s super heavy, so in the end I let him.
We walk along the footpath, Ethan carrying both of our bags. When I sneak a look at him, I can see his mouth moving. I try to lean forward so I can see what he’s saying, but it’s no good from this angle.
I’d like to be able to fumble on. Even if I got half of what he was saying, I could be all right. But I’ve missed the main point so I’m not even getting that much. I stop walking.He does too, turning to look at me. We are standing face to face. Up close I see his green eyes are flecked with hazel.I take a deep breath.
‘I can’t lip-read you from the side,’ I say.
I’m paranoid about how I might sound. Paranoid that those eight small words might throw him, but I don’t really have a choice. He’ll hear me speaking sooner or later.
‘Oh, sorry!’ he says. ‘I should know that. I always make sure Luke can see my face.’
He puts my bag on the ground, and then hitches his own to his back and mine to his front. Then he moves in front of me and walks backwards, so he’s facing me.
‘I was asking what’s in your bag,’ he says. ‘It’s so heavy.
I need to balance out the weight or I’ll feel like a turtle.’
I feel lighter, and it’s not just because he has my bag.
‘It’s just homework,’ I say.
‘You know,’ he says, and then he pauses, like he’s decided to stop himself from saying something.
‘What?’ I encourage.
‘Oh, it’s dumb,’ he says, but his mouth and his eyes are half-smiling at something and I want to know what it is.
‘What?’ I ask again. His half-smile is contagious.
‘You probably won’t have any idea what I’m talking about,’ he says.
‘Try me.’
‘OK, but you might think I’m weird. I’m warning you.
It’s just that, the first time I saw you … swimming. You were … lane … next to me. And it was like … kind of like … in sync. Like … arms … kicking … same time …’ he trails off, looking sheepish. ‘Stupid, hey?’
I shake my head. I love his words. I wish, wish, wish I could hear his voice as he uttered them.
‘Not stupid,’ I say.
I probably shouldn’t say anything else about it. I’m not sure I should let him into my mind this early. But maybe it’s his worried face that spurs me on, because I keep talking before I’ve even thought about what I’m going to say.
‘I felt it too.’
His half-smile expands. It’s fully grown now. It forms two dimples on his cheeks.
‘So, where do you live?’ he asks me.
I tell him. He suggests we go through the botanical gardens.
Neither of us talks as we walk up a narrow pathway with rolling green hills and trees on either side. I feel unusually calm. Like the million thoughts that normally pump through my head have finally slowed and only this, being here with Ethan, really matters.
I feel his hand touch the small of my back. It’s the exact spot where the needle went into my spine all that time ago, and it’s strange but I almost feel like the two things are connected. It’s a light touch, and it’s only for a second, to get my attention, but I still feel the warmth of his hand there after he takes it away. Lingering.
He points to a turtle up ahead. We both watch as it leaves the pathway and heads down to the lake. I’ve been here before. I’ve never seen a turtle. It feels like a gift.
‘What’s the sign for turtle?’ Ethan asks. I show him.
‘That’s so cool,’ he says, copying me. ‘So cool.’
We find a spot on the rise next to the lake. Ethan dumps the bags and we sit down. After a moment Ethan lies on his back and talks up to the sky. I lie next to him and tilt my head to the side. All I get is ‘function’ and ‘Saturday’ and I feel like he might be asking me to something. I sigh. It’s too hard, and I’m starting to feel exhausted with all the lip-reading, especially from this angle when I miss so much.
I sit up and take my laptop out of my bag. I rest it on my knees and start typing.
Too hard trying to lip-read. Can we write? What were you saying?
Ethan takes the laptop and types.
Don’t worry. Was talking about boring footy stuff.
I feel myself tense up. People telling me not to worry about something I’ve missed is one of my pet hates. But I watch as he keeps writing. There’s quite a bit of glare on the screen.
I have to lean across to read what he’s written.
Wish I brought my camera. The light is really good today.
U a photographer?
Yeah, I guess so. I love playing with old cameras.Reckon I could get a really good shot of the lake today.
It makes me think of Stella.
I have a friend who wants to be a photographer."For a career. She’s pretty amazing.
Would love to see her stuff. Would be cool to try and do it for a career. But mine’s only a hobby. Am going to work in the family business.
???
Dad has a chain of hardware stores. Earl’s Hardware?Wants me to manage the admin side.
I know the stores. They’re all main-street businesses. Good locations. I imagine his family must be well-off.
U reckon you’d like that? Admin?
No. lol. What about you? What do you want to do?
I reach out to take the laptop, thinking he’s finished. But his hands hover above the keyboard, and now my hands are there too. I’m about to pull them back when he puts the laptop down on the grass and holds my left hand with his right.
It’s like the touch on the small of my back. Warm.Like a promise.
Still holding my hand, he leans forward and types left-handed.
I like you.
I’m deaf.
Really? No kidding?
He smiles at me, as though he really doesn’t care, but I still doubt it all. I know what a big thing it is.
What about that girl at the milk bar?
Sonya? She just likes to hit me for some reason.
Maybe so she has an excuse to hug u afterwards?don’t think she likes me. don’t think she likes deaf girls.
She probably doesn’t like hot girls, actually.
I laugh, and for once I don’t worry about how I sound.