Chapter 18 - Marni

Like I’m Gonna Lose You ~Meghan Trainor, John Legend

 

“Mama!” My ecstatic girl ran straight into my arms.

“Hello Ali-Girl. Were you a good girl for Grandma?”

“Hi Mama.” She laid her head on my shoulder and wouldn’t let go of me. It felt wonderful to be loved.

“I missed you, Precious. I’m so glad to be back. I promise never to leave you again.”

“Cweam?” This savvy girl understood this was the perfect time to ask.

“Have you had lunch?”

“She sure did,” Mom answered. “She did a great job on her lunch, and we made strawberry ice cream about an hour ago. Why don’t you both sit and I’ll get you a bowl.”

“Cweam!” Ali announced proudly.

“I love you, Ali-Girl. It’s good to be home.”

While Ali dug into her ice cream with her spoon and fingers, Mom asked, “What happened?”

A helpless laugh escaped me. “Ben and I kissed. He ran away in fright. I spent a few days in San Diego and sorted myself out.”

Mom stopped eating her ice cream and stared. “Did you go there to see Noah?”

“What? Where does Noah fit in this story?”

“Why San Diego?”

“Because that’s where I’d find solace when life got tough with Dad, Jean, and Melody. When I’d come visit you on the weekends, I’d sit on the beach while you were at work. You know how much I love listening to the waves. Sitting there staring into the vast ocean soothed my heart. I thought it would have the same effect.”

“Did it? Is your heart soothed?”

“Funny thing, Mom. I realized life was all in how I perceived it. Before Noah and I were to be married, Ben came to me with fanciful talks of us possibly getting together again. Back then, I believed him, or at least I wanted to believe him because I wanted to be Ali’s mother.”

“His parents and I knew he had feelings for you.”

“He doesn’t. I think he only said those things because he didn’t want to lose me as Ali’s caretaker. As soon as he accepted me as our daughter’s mother, he never mentioned a relationship again.”

“You’d be a fool not to see it on his face.” Mom had become an optimist.

“No matter, Mom. During my time on the beach, I told myself you and Ali were all I needed. If I have no expectations of a relationship, I can’t be disappointed. That kiss proved Ben and I can’t work ever again. I don’t know why I was tempted to try. After Noah, I swore I was done with men.”

“Don’t think that way, Marni. You’re so young. If not Ben, there will be other men to come along.”

“Thanks for the encouragement, Mom. For now, I’ll worry about taking care of this little one.” Picking up my dirty daughter was the best way to leave this conversation.

 

“Marni. You’re back.” Ben walked in the door and gave me an unexpected hug. He actually acknowledged me before asking about his daughter.

“Hey. Yeah, I got back around lunch time. I took Alice to the beach and we played hard. She’s actually down for the night. Sorry. You can walk into her room and watch her snore if you like. Since you’re home, I’ll get going.” That huge, nervous mouthful came out rapidly.

“Stay, please? I want to go give our daughter a kiss on those chubby cheeks and I’ll be right back.” I didn’t want to stay, but I had no reason to refuse. “Have you had dinner?” I shook my head no. “Good. I brought some food home. Get your swim in and I’ll heat it up. Meet me on the balcony when you’re done.”

Like a masochistic fool, I stayed.

I didn’t understand how and when these indefinable feelings first surfaced. I wasn’t in love with Ben, but judging from the kiss, I also wasn’t indifferent toward him. I confused myself. What happened to being content with my child and mother? All these jittery feelings told me that somehow Ben had crawled under my skin. I didn’t ask for it. I preferred not to have any feelings for him, but unfortunately, they were there. What sane woman wanted to compete with a dead one?

The only way to clear my head was to punish myself in the water. I’d swim laps until my lungs burned and my body waved a white flag.

 

“I’ve had to reheat dinner three times, Marni. Not cool to make a hungry man wait for his meal, especially when Chinese food smells so good.”

“No wings?”

“No wings, but yes beer. Dig in.” He handed me a plate and chopsticks.

We ate in comfortable silence, but something didn’t feel right. We sat on the balcony listening to the waves but my eyes kept looking back in the bedroom.

“What do you keep looking at, Mar?”

“Something’s different and I can’t pinpoint it. What’s changed in your room?”

“I’m surprised you noticed anything had changed. Walk in the bathroom,” he suggested. “That’s the only way you’ll understand.”

I only had to take one step into the bathroom to see all that had changed. Ben had cleared out Melody’s belongings. What did this mean and why did he do it? This didn’t make sense to me.

“Your food’s getting cold,” I heard him call out. “I’m not going back to the kitchen to heat it up for you.”

“Why?” was all I could say.

Ben smiled and answered, “I thought it was time to move on. Melody would have approved, or so I like to believe.”

“You were all right?” This huge step couldn’t have been easy.

“I cried like our daughter did when she realized her mama wasn’t home.”

“I’m sorry, Ben. You didn’t have to change anything. Melody is still so much a part of your heart.”

“She always will be, and that’s all right. There’s nothing wrong with loving my late wife. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t move on and eventually love another person. If roles were reversed, I’d want my wife to find happiness again. I wouldn’t want her to grieve the rest of her life.”

“What does this all mean?”

“It means I was blessed enough to have loved and lived with a fine woman for the past ten years. If the Lord sees fit, He’ll bless me again with another fine woman. Preferably, I’d like to be with her longer than a decade, but the choice seems to belong to the Man upstairs.”

I wanted to ask where I might fit into all this, if at all.

I didn’t ask.

With a content heart and guilty conscience, I dug into my Chinese food with zeal.